Thoughts please
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So my soon to be ex husband is due to be sentenced in a couple of weeks and I've been having a thought that I want to see what you guys think!
As you all know it's a secretive, awful secret we keep whether we stay or go from our husbands/partners. I don't think people realise the affect it has on so many and the ripple that just keeps going, the way our lives change so dramatically and of course the terrible emotions that go with it.
Anyway, I've been thinking about contacting my local press and asking if they would like ''the unseen people' effected by this, the secrecy involved and the impact it has on lives.
I would ask for it to be anonymous but there is a chance that people could put 2 and 2 together and realise it's me or certainly my ex.
I suppose I just feel this while situation is so unjust and none of us have asked for this or deserve it, the repercussions etc and also it may open people eyes to the fact that we also need support.
Thoughts please everyone??? Am I mad, stupid or just too simplistic in my thinking?
By the way my boys are not his and they are in their late 20's early 30's - I wouldn't consider it if they were little and his
Xx
As you all know it's a secretive, awful secret we keep whether we stay or go from our husbands/partners. I don't think people realise the affect it has on so many and the ripple that just keeps going, the way our lives change so dramatically and of course the terrible emotions that go with it.
Anyway, I've been thinking about contacting my local press and asking if they would like ''the unseen people' effected by this, the secrecy involved and the impact it has on lives.
I would ask for it to be anonymous but there is a chance that people could put 2 and 2 together and realise it's me or certainly my ex.
I suppose I just feel this while situation is so unjust and none of us have asked for this or deserve it, the repercussions etc and also it may open people eyes to the fact that we also need support.
Thoughts please everyone??? Am I mad, stupid or just too simplistic in my thinking?
By the way my boys are not his and they are in their late 20's early 30's - I wouldn't consider it if they were little and his
Xx
While I think it would be a positive thing to put stories like that out there I think you would need to be exceptionally emotionally strong. The press can have their own a agenda without you even realising. Misquoting is very very common in press articles of all kinds. Also people make hideous comments when sat behind their computer screens, even on stories that are trying to out across positive information/stories. I think if you really wanted to do it I would do it with a skilled press officer, maybe lucy faithful have press officers that could. Although you would be anonymous sometimes you might say something that gives a clue as to who you are or the reporter may write something about your situation you didn't realise they might write. I think its a good idea in principle but one that would need research and help. I think you might bring a whole load of stress, anxiety and upset to your life if you just go straight to the press and ask to do an article like that.
Hi Andrea,
I get the frustration you feel and of deeply wanting others to be aware of our stories. However I think Maria is right, I wouldn't do it unless an organisation like LF was supporting you. I certainly wouldn't approach a local toilet paper, sorry I mean local paper to try to give a proper appraisal of the situation. I think a recognised, national probably TV production would be better.
There was a recent documentary type thing on C4, I think LF were invloved but frankly I was dissapointed in the portrayal of the women involved. It was a simplistic portrayal of those that stay in relationships and those that end theirs. It churned out the usual narrative of go = good and strong woman, stay = weak and naive woman. It was a great opportunity missed by LF to promote our stories in my view.
It's a deep shame that no-one wants to really hear our stories. It's a total scandal that innocent family members are sacrificed in order for the authorities to use us as a deterrent or warning to men not do do this.
Our politicians should be up in arms about the way us and our children are discriminated against in a range of scenarios but they're gutless, supporting us doesn't win votes does it.
I get the frustration you feel and of deeply wanting others to be aware of our stories. However I think Maria is right, I wouldn't do it unless an organisation like LF was supporting you. I certainly wouldn't approach a local toilet paper, sorry I mean local paper to try to give a proper appraisal of the situation. I think a recognised, national probably TV production would be better.
There was a recent documentary type thing on C4, I think LF were invloved but frankly I was dissapointed in the portrayal of the women involved. It was a simplistic portrayal of those that stay in relationships and those that end theirs. It churned out the usual narrative of go = good and strong woman, stay = weak and naive woman. It was a great opportunity missed by LF to promote our stories in my view.
It's a deep shame that no-one wants to really hear our stories. It's a total scandal that innocent family members are sacrificed in order for the authorities to use us as a deterrent or warning to men not do do this.
Our politicians should be up in arms about the way us and our children are discriminated against in a range of scenarios but they're gutless, supporting us doesn't win votes does it.
Tracey,
I have huge respect for you. I think jaded is right. Maybe a recognised production team. Your face and voice can be hidden.
i am feeling a little low this week and people wanting to stand up for friends and family makes me smile, we do need a different voice out there.
i agree with jadeds portrayal of that Chanel 4 show. To me it doesn’t matter if women stay or leave what matters is the husband son or brother, can recognise the offending and take steps to rehabilitate.
Not everyone who looks at these images is going to commit a contact offence. They have their own inner issues, and as Madeline pointed out earlier portnography can be attictive and alter their minds so they don’t think rationally.
tracey I know March is your big month. It may be best to see how it goes and then put your thoughts out there. We need more advocates for the impact on friends and family especially children. If my partner is charged my daughter has a sexual offender for a father and I am pretty sure he would not have ever harmed a child. It upsets me that the label can portray the wrong impression of people. Making and distributing just means coping the file and having a copy not taking the photo.
yes it’s bad he had acccess but looking does not mean acting on these things.sorry for the response as I said my feelings are all over the place at the moment I am so frustrated with it all.
How you feeling now tracey. I can’t imagine what this month is like for you xxx
I have huge respect for you. I think jaded is right. Maybe a recognised production team. Your face and voice can be hidden.
i am feeling a little low this week and people wanting to stand up for friends and family makes me smile, we do need a different voice out there.
i agree with jadeds portrayal of that Chanel 4 show. To me it doesn’t matter if women stay or leave what matters is the husband son or brother, can recognise the offending and take steps to rehabilitate.
Not everyone who looks at these images is going to commit a contact offence. They have their own inner issues, and as Madeline pointed out earlier portnography can be attictive and alter their minds so they don’t think rationally.
tracey I know March is your big month. It may be best to see how it goes and then put your thoughts out there. We need more advocates for the impact on friends and family especially children. If my partner is charged my daughter has a sexual offender for a father and I am pretty sure he would not have ever harmed a child. It upsets me that the label can portray the wrong impression of people. Making and distributing just means coping the file and having a copy not taking the photo.
yes it’s bad he had acccess but looking does not mean acting on these things.sorry for the response as I said my feelings are all over the place at the moment I am so frustrated with it all.
How you feeling now tracey. I can’t imagine what this month is like for you xxx
Thanks guys, that all makes sense, I'll give it some more thought and not rush in!!
Bethlou23, I'm so sorry you're having a rubbish week, you know it happens to us all, don't worry you will come through it. Emotions are so up and down, I just thank God I'm on anti depressants otherwise goodness knows how I'd be!! Just take time for yourself and do what you want to do and make you feel comfortable.
I'm feeling okay about the sentencing at the moment but it's usual about 2 days before I seem to spin out of control.
Take care ladies xx
Bethlou23, I'm so sorry you're having a rubbish week, you know it happens to us all, don't worry you will come through it. Emotions are so up and down, I just thank God I'm on anti depressants otherwise goodness knows how I'd be!! Just take time for yourself and do what you want to do and make you feel comfortable.
I'm feeling okay about the sentencing at the moment but it's usual about 2 days before I seem to spin out of control.
Take care ladies xx
Hi Tracey,
Personally I would avoid contacting the press at all costs. At the moment we are in the midst of historical offences coming to the press, everything is published online and removing it is tricky. If they decide to take a different direction on the story you give it is there available for all to see. It takes one person to say "oh I know this person" and give their neanderthal opinion then everyone jumps on the bandwagon.
I saw a documentary on channel 4 many years ago called "the peodophile next door". It was very informative but it didn't go down very well. Many saw it as being a sympathetic portrayal.
It's awful as our stories matter, people should know about them. Wether we stood by the offender or not. Those who have stood by them are often thought to have accepted their offending and be involved in some way or another. It's a disgrace but with charities like LFF slowly things will change.
Personally I would avoid contacting the press at all costs. At the moment we are in the midst of historical offences coming to the press, everything is published online and removing it is tricky. If they decide to take a different direction on the story you give it is there available for all to see. It takes one person to say "oh I know this person" and give their neanderthal opinion then everyone jumps on the bandwagon.
I saw a documentary on channel 4 many years ago called "the peodophile next door". It was very informative but it didn't go down very well. Many saw it as being a sympathetic portrayal.
It's awful as our stories matter, people should know about them. Wether we stood by the offender or not. Those who have stood by them are often thought to have accepted their offending and be involved in some way or another. It's a disgrace but with charities like LFF slowly things will change.
I had thought to do the same but deep down I know it wouldn't be beneficial as they wouldn't want to print something that would make them look bad as 99% of the time what they print is rubbish!
I have suggested anonymously that at the end of each of these stories they print they should have the Stop it now logo and contact info but they weren't interested which shows they are just after gossip!
I have suggested anonymously that at the end of each of these stories they print they should have the Stop it now logo and contact info but they weren't interested which shows they are just after gossip!
Tracey
thanks for your kind words. Yes it’s very up and down for us all. I do try and keep busy but it’s a rollercoaster of emotions. Xx
thanks for your kind words. Yes it’s very up and down for us all. I do try and keep busy but it’s a rollercoaster of emotions. Xx
Tracey I understand totally where you are coming from, but heed all the advice from the others. And hold back from doing this at the moment, certainly with a local paper, and without support from someone who can make sure it’s done correctly. Our stories need to be heard and there will be a way to do this.
Paula xx
Paula xx
Hi, Tracey.
We are currently preparing a series of articles with the Yorkshire Evening Post about this and the affect of arrest on family members. If you'd like to be involved please email me at jenny@saferlives.com
Everything is being done on an anonymous basis and as it is just a Yorkshire publication that may help you have more confidence that your anonymity wull remain?
Best wishes, Jenny.
We are currently preparing a series of articles with the Yorkshire Evening Post about this and the affect of arrest on family members. If you'd like to be involved please email me at jenny@saferlives.com
Everything is being done on an anonymous basis and as it is just a Yorkshire publication that may help you have more confidence that your anonymity wull remain?
Best wishes, Jenny.
Hi Jenny,
I realise your question isn’t directed at me so really I shouldn’t reply. However as a user of this forum I’m intrigued as to the motives of the Yorkshire Post in promoting articles on this subject? I also understand a bit about the charity you work for. It looks like positive work, well done.
Mom intruiged about your motivation for looking at/posting on a family and friends forum. I’m a bit uncomfortable about links to the press rooting around here too, sorry but that’s the way I feel.
Just a quick google of the Yorkshire Post shows the cheap, torch bearing language associated with the press when reporting on convictions of offenders caught up in this behaviour, words like ‘pervert’ is used frequently, that inflammatory language hardly helps families caught up in this, it actually makes the vigilantism more likely and harmful to the families involved. Why do they now want to know more about the impact on families? Are they also interested in innocent men caught up in it or just the salacious ‘click bait’ details? I have my doubts that they’ve all of a sudden developed some altruistic change in their approach to actually learning some of the facts around this type of offending. Are they interested in the WHOLE story or just the one sided stories reported in the press and by the police?
If it is an approach to help these ‘journalists’ to learn and to choose their language more carefully when reporting this then good luck. I won’t hold my breath though.....sorry for my cynicism.
I realise your question isn’t directed at me so really I shouldn’t reply. However as a user of this forum I’m intrigued as to the motives of the Yorkshire Post in promoting articles on this subject? I also understand a bit about the charity you work for. It looks like positive work, well done.
Mom intruiged about your motivation for looking at/posting on a family and friends forum. I’m a bit uncomfortable about links to the press rooting around here too, sorry but that’s the way I feel.
Just a quick google of the Yorkshire Post shows the cheap, torch bearing language associated with the press when reporting on convictions of offenders caught up in this behaviour, words like ‘pervert’ is used frequently, that inflammatory language hardly helps families caught up in this, it actually makes the vigilantism more likely and harmful to the families involved. Why do they now want to know more about the impact on families? Are they also interested in innocent men caught up in it or just the salacious ‘click bait’ details? I have my doubts that they’ve all of a sudden developed some altruistic change in their approach to actually learning some of the facts around this type of offending. Are they interested in the WHOLE story or just the one sided stories reported in the press and by the police?
If it is an approach to help these ‘journalists’ to learn and to choose their language more carefully when reporting this then good luck. I won’t hold my breath though.....sorry for my cynicism.
Well that freaked me out that somebody is on this forum who isn’t going through this (or has been through it). I presume the person from Safer Lives is trying to be helpful but it has heightened my paranoia that people trawl this forum. Remember to keep your details unidentifiable people - you just don’t know who is on here
I am slightly concerned too Big Sigh. I'm sure Safer Lives has good intentions but looking on a forum where those at their weakest may be seeking solice isn't a very good move.
Hi everyone,
Thank you, as ever, for reading and posting on this forum. Following the post from Safer Lives about the article in the Yorkshire Evening Post, we have contacted Safer Lives and asked them not to make further posts on this forum in a professional capacity. This is because the forum is primarily intended as a form of peer support, and to reduce people’s sense of isolation. It is not intended as a space for other professionals to highlight their services or to engage directly with forum users, and so forth. We provide this type of information via the Stop It Now! helpline / email service.
Finally, we are also reviewing the wording of the forum agreement, which currently states that the advertisement and/or promotion of commercial products and services is not permitted.
I hope this offers you all some reassurance.
Best wishes, Lucy
Thank you, as ever, for reading and posting on this forum. Following the post from Safer Lives about the article in the Yorkshire Evening Post, we have contacted Safer Lives and asked them not to make further posts on this forum in a professional capacity. This is because the forum is primarily intended as a form of peer support, and to reduce people’s sense of isolation. It is not intended as a space for other professionals to highlight their services or to engage directly with forum users, and so forth. We provide this type of information via the Stop It Now! helpline / email service.
Finally, we are also reviewing the wording of the forum agreement, which currently states that the advertisement and/or promotion of commercial products and services is not permitted.
I hope this offers you all some reassurance.
Best wishes, Lucy
Thank you for doing that. I think it’s been a good reminder that although we all feel positive about the support we give each other we must be mindful that anyone can read the posts we make so for us to ensure we don’t reveal anything where we could be identified.
Thank-you too. I would still feel happier if we were screened first, to know that we are genuine, and the forum protected by a login. Just my two penneth.