To ex-partners with children
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After deciding to go through the process of being assessed by SS I have been providing supervised visits for the last 3 months. My ex is awaiting sentencing for possession of IIOC (thousands - mostly c but all cats). He seems to think that once sentenced he will be able to contact SS and at some point down the line have joint custody of our children (currently under 5).
I have been providing supervised contact as I do think it is in the children's best interest to have contact with him rather than turn him into a mystery figure and cause them drama down the line. However I can't ever imagine being okay with them staying over with him. Especially alone.
I know that it is small percentages of online offenders who actually turn into contact offenders but one in a million would be too much risk for me to let my little girl stay with him. I haven't looked into porn addiction literature etc yet - I'm not ready to. And even if he's got a bunch of psychological reasons for ending up here, I still feel like his poor judgement makes him an inappropriate carer without supervision. I don't mean to offend anyone who does trust the person - every situation is completely unique but this is how I feel.
I can see this heading towards a situation where I get portrayed as the evil ex wife. I'm trying to keep everything as amicable as possible for the kids, despite the utter heartbreak and destruction of this year.
I just wondered if anyone else has similar experiences.
I have been providing supervised contact as I do think it is in the children's best interest to have contact with him rather than turn him into a mystery figure and cause them drama down the line. However I can't ever imagine being okay with them staying over with him. Especially alone.
I know that it is small percentages of online offenders who actually turn into contact offenders but one in a million would be too much risk for me to let my little girl stay with him. I haven't looked into porn addiction literature etc yet - I'm not ready to. And even if he's got a bunch of psychological reasons for ending up here, I still feel like his poor judgement makes him an inappropriate carer without supervision. I don't mean to offend anyone who does trust the person - every situation is completely unique but this is how I feel.
I can see this heading towards a situation where I get portrayed as the evil ex wife. I'm trying to keep everything as amicable as possible for the kids, despite the utter heartbreak and destruction of this year.
I just wondered if anyone else has similar experiences.
Thank you for responding lost123. Ive followed your story and know you would have done thorough research. Thinking about a forensic assessment might be good down the line.
I remember reading how much effort you have gone through to help your children get contact at different times. I think that is amazing and another part of this process for partners that can get so overlooked.
When SS were involved to assess me as a protective parent I had a two hour interview at home where they asked me about everything in my life. He had a 15 minute phone call basically to confirm who he was and check that he would listen to my wishes.
With no guidebook I'll keep on trying to do what I think is best for the children x
I remember reading how much effort you have gone through to help your children get contact at different times. I think that is amazing and another part of this process for partners that can get so overlooked.
When SS were involved to assess me as a protective parent I had a two hour interview at home where they asked me about everything in my life. He had a 15 minute phone call basically to confirm who he was and check that he would listen to my wishes.
With no guidebook I'll keep on trying to do what I think is best for the children x
I had the same discussion with social services as I think my ex would try for custody or at least more contact
I was advised that regardless of the police outcome, I can approach them again and they would assist
I am not risking the children being any form of a risk no matter what I think of my ex. So I will never agree to it. Social services were supportive and said they will help me with any future legal situation. It gave me much needed reassurance
I was advised that regardless of the police outcome, I can approach them again and they would assist
I am not risking the children being any form of a risk no matter what I think of my ex. So I will never agree to it. Social services were supportive and said they will help me with any future legal situation. It gave me much needed reassurance
Lost123
I hope you don't mind but I just wanted to ask how your ex has been about the support you've provided? I was reading some of your old posts and youve done so much to support him. Has he been open to this support?
My ex has recently been very angry and upset if we speak about anything other than specific meet up details for contact time. He said if we are not together he doesn't see why he should have to talk to me. I think he is finally starting to process the loss of the relationship but it means I can't support in any way (other than trying to look past his current actions and still provide access time for children).
I'm hoping it gets better at some point.
I hope you don't mind but I just wanted to ask how your ex has been about the support you've provided? I was reading some of your old posts and youve done so much to support him. Has he been open to this support?
My ex has recently been very angry and upset if we speak about anything other than specific meet up details for contact time. He said if we are not together he doesn't see why he should have to talk to me. I think he is finally starting to process the loss of the relationship but it means I can't support in any way (other than trying to look past his current actions and still provide access time for children).
I'm hoping it gets better at some point.
Thank you for replying with such detail. You've been through so much and I really admire the way you have dealt with things head on. I'll keep the 'safer living' stuff in mind for the future.
You asked how long it's been - knock was in January. He's been charged, made his plea, awaiting sentencing. I'm trying to take his actions and reactions with a pinch of salt. I feel so stressed about sentencing and know he must feel awful.
You have done so much work with your ex to work out why. I think that is incredible and will help him in the future. I know my ex was disappointed with my lack of support in the first few months. I just didn't have it in me. I felt like I could barely survive putting my kids first and trying to scrape together some form of new life. Maybe in the future I'll have more space for understanding and less anger. I still can't believe it has happened and I know that while it still feels this raw a part of me feels like any reason is an excuse. And that isn't fair on him as he needs to process his actions and his past in a judgment free place if he's going to truly face it and work on himself.
What happened in your ex's past sounds truly terrible. I hope he finds the answers he needs to find peace and bring about a positive future for himself x
You asked how long it's been - knock was in January. He's been charged, made his plea, awaiting sentencing. I'm trying to take his actions and reactions with a pinch of salt. I feel so stressed about sentencing and know he must feel awful.
You have done so much work with your ex to work out why. I think that is incredible and will help him in the future. I know my ex was disappointed with my lack of support in the first few months. I just didn't have it in me. I felt like I could barely survive putting my kids first and trying to scrape together some form of new life. Maybe in the future I'll have more space for understanding and less anger. I still can't believe it has happened and I know that while it still feels this raw a part of me feels like any reason is an excuse. And that isn't fair on him as he needs to process his actions and his past in a judgment free place if he's going to truly face it and work on himself.
What happened in your ex's past sounds truly terrible. I hope he finds the answers he needs to find peace and bring about a positive future for himself x