Struggling To Cope
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So my partner told me after 2 weeks of being together that he has been using IIOC since he was on 17 on and off. He's now 41. He usually does when he's single and being rejected by adults (he has Asperger's and there's a correlation). My friends don't understand why I am sticking by him, especially since not knowing him for long. But it's hard for me. He's been so honest - most people find out by the knock, he admitted it. I reported to the police and hes on RUI. Just lost and confused as to what is going to happen. And whether or not I have the strength to go through it all.
Hi,
Sorry to hear about your struggle. You did the right thing to report. I'm going to be brutally honest and I'm not sure everyone would have the same opinion (and it is just an opinion I'm no specialist)... if it's not been that long I would leave and move on with your life. It is such a huge burden on your life to go through the investigation process let alone the sentencing, court, possible media attention etc. It's something that nobody would wish on their worst enemy. If an investigation would've commenced on my partner I wouldn't have stuck around if it had been within the first few months, not because I'm an uncaring person but I've been through partner's addictions and issues in the past and the lasting effects it has on you as an individual is immense. From what you've said he's been doing it for a long time so I expect the police will find a lot of evidence on his devices which could result in jail time and being on the sex offender's register which has implications you should look into. Just have a think about what your future may look like and weigh it up against the initial heartbreak of ending things now and see how you feel. I'm just being honest, maybe some of the other users might have different opinions.
Always look after yourself first xx
Sorry to hear about your struggle. You did the right thing to report. I'm going to be brutally honest and I'm not sure everyone would have the same opinion (and it is just an opinion I'm no specialist)... if it's not been that long I would leave and move on with your life. It is such a huge burden on your life to go through the investigation process let alone the sentencing, court, possible media attention etc. It's something that nobody would wish on their worst enemy. If an investigation would've commenced on my partner I wouldn't have stuck around if it had been within the first few months, not because I'm an uncaring person but I've been through partner's addictions and issues in the past and the lasting effects it has on you as an individual is immense. From what you've said he's been doing it for a long time so I expect the police will find a lot of evidence on his devices which could result in jail time and being on the sex offender's register which has implications you should look into. Just have a think about what your future may look like and weigh it up against the initial heartbreak of ending things now and see how you feel. I'm just being honest, maybe some of the other users might have different opinions.
Always look after yourself first xx
Hi charmz.
I'm was in a similar situation. My partner told me within the first month of dating he was under investigation and admitted he did offend. We have been together three and half years and engaged.
In a way I do wish I had the mentality to walk away, but for me the fact he was very honest and was seeking therapy and was co operative with the police made me want to give him a chance. I have said he offends again I'm out.
I have kept it a secret as best as possible, my friends and majority of my family do not know. My partner was sentenced in 2019, has just finished his suspended sentence and will be on the register and sexual harm prevention order for another 8 years at most.
I recommend reading through the forum and asking as many questions you need to help you be informed and make a decision. Knowledge is power. And ease do not feel because you have decided to stick by doesn't mean you can't ever walk away.
In my opinion, Key things to consider through are:
Do you ever want to have kids? - this will be damn hard and social services will be in it and not make life easy at all. I was told if I wanted a child my partner would not be allowed to live with me and the baby for the first year and would need to be supervised etc (I don't want children but have said if I chnage my mind I have to leave my partner)
Are there children in your family and friendship group? It is likely tour partner will be restricted from interacting with anyone close to you with children. My partner cannot be around children without the permission of the parents and social services.
The media might get ahold of the info- and it might back fire onto you e.g. work
Being with an offender can make it hard for them to get jobs - can you be financially Independent if he lost his job or sent to prison?
He is going to have limits to his travelling- how important is it to you to have a partner to go on holiday?
Friendship groups- you already mentioned you disclosed tovsome people- can they be trusted? You might get pushed out.
What if he hasn't told you all the truth? - many offenders don't disclose everything at once. My partner told me he could not remember the age ranges but knew they were quite young for some. I sat in court to hear ages I didn't expect and felt unprepared.
Finally- investigations can take years. There will be a lot of uncertainty and there is always a real chance of custodial sentence (especially of distribution is involved).
I'm was in a similar situation. My partner told me within the first month of dating he was under investigation and admitted he did offend. We have been together three and half years and engaged.
In a way I do wish I had the mentality to walk away, but for me the fact he was very honest and was seeking therapy and was co operative with the police made me want to give him a chance. I have said he offends again I'm out.
I have kept it a secret as best as possible, my friends and majority of my family do not know. My partner was sentenced in 2019, has just finished his suspended sentence and will be on the register and sexual harm prevention order for another 8 years at most.
I recommend reading through the forum and asking as many questions you need to help you be informed and make a decision. Knowledge is power. And ease do not feel because you have decided to stick by doesn't mean you can't ever walk away.
In my opinion, Key things to consider through are:
Do you ever want to have kids? - this will be damn hard and social services will be in it and not make life easy at all. I was told if I wanted a child my partner would not be allowed to live with me and the baby for the first year and would need to be supervised etc (I don't want children but have said if I chnage my mind I have to leave my partner)
Are there children in your family and friendship group? It is likely tour partner will be restricted from interacting with anyone close to you with children. My partner cannot be around children without the permission of the parents and social services.
The media might get ahold of the info- and it might back fire onto you e.g. work
Being with an offender can make it hard for them to get jobs - can you be financially Independent if he lost his job or sent to prison?
He is going to have limits to his travelling- how important is it to you to have a partner to go on holiday?
Friendship groups- you already mentioned you disclosed tovsome people- can they be trusted? You might get pushed out.
What if he hasn't told you all the truth? - many offenders don't disclose everything at once. My partner told me he could not remember the age ranges but knew they were quite young for some. I sat in court to hear ages I didn't expect and felt unprepared.
Finally- investigations can take years. There will be a lot of uncertainty and there is always a real chance of custodial sentence (especially of distribution is involved).
As the ladies have said, I too would be very cautious building a new relationship (2 wks????) with a guy that has a 'long' history of offences. Ok he has been honest but can love conquer all, it is truly an horrendous journey..... you have to think of your future too.....