Longest days in our lives. It just the begining
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Hi everyone.
I don't know how to start as I am still confused and shocked what happend.
We had knock 4 days ago. We have one year old together, so he had to leave the flat and lives in hostel in town near his job. Luckily he is still able to work, so we have some income. Until social services comes, he is not allowed to see our child.
Here is my first question: how long does it take them to come? How the visit looks like? When can we expect any decision about seeing the child and under what conditions?
He is not a bad man. I have been reading this forum and few other sites, and he is a standard case: he is addicted to porn, for years. We had many conversations and arguments about that. It made me feel unsure about myself, so I didn't wanna have sex with him, it was causing physical pain. We struggled for years, but we were working on it. I know that he was still watching, getting images from web, but never found any underaged there. That is why it is so unbeliveble that he could do something that horrible.
Also his mental health wasn't greatest. At job he was for 5 years he was used and there was a mobbing. He was working 14-15h a day. In September he changed the job and started to feeling better.
When he came to collect his belongings, he addmited to me, that some of the things happend, but he couldn't tell me exactly as Police officer was in another room. We were advised not to discuss anything over the phone. I am seeing him this Wednesday, to have quick chat before we go to work.
He calls me everyday before work, during break, after work, no matter how late it is. It helps him, somehow it helps me. Knowing that he is coping. He says that I don't deserve any of this, he is an idiot who destroyed our family. He deeply regrets, he wants to get help and fix everything. I want to believe him. He is scared he will have to go to jail and will never see our daughter again.
He loves our daughter very much, she loves him too. I know he has never done anything to her.
We don't have any family or friends around, so it is just me and baby.
We haven't told our families yet. I am not going to tell my parents, he's parents are coming to visit us in 3 weeks, so we don't know how to handle that, as he is not going be here. They will know something is wrong. He says he will have to confess.
As for me, I don't eat, cry all the time, don't want to leave the house, but have to keep it together for our child. Luckily I get to sleep.
My brain is still blocking everything.
I don't know how I am holding together. He is surprised how strong I stayed. And greatful that I decided to go through that with him.
He got silicitor at Police station, but I assume we should get someone else.
Also, we want to get on touch with GP, what should he say to get appoinmet and what kind of appoinmet he should get?
I want to believe that we can fix everything and still be a family.
I am reading your stories and they give me some hope that it is possible.
I don't know how to start as I am still confused and shocked what happend.
We had knock 4 days ago. We have one year old together, so he had to leave the flat and lives in hostel in town near his job. Luckily he is still able to work, so we have some income. Until social services comes, he is not allowed to see our child.
Here is my first question: how long does it take them to come? How the visit looks like? When can we expect any decision about seeing the child and under what conditions?
He is not a bad man. I have been reading this forum and few other sites, and he is a standard case: he is addicted to porn, for years. We had many conversations and arguments about that. It made me feel unsure about myself, so I didn't wanna have sex with him, it was causing physical pain. We struggled for years, but we were working on it. I know that he was still watching, getting images from web, but never found any underaged there. That is why it is so unbeliveble that he could do something that horrible.
Also his mental health wasn't greatest. At job he was for 5 years he was used and there was a mobbing. He was working 14-15h a day. In September he changed the job and started to feeling better.
When he came to collect his belongings, he addmited to me, that some of the things happend, but he couldn't tell me exactly as Police officer was in another room. We were advised not to discuss anything over the phone. I am seeing him this Wednesday, to have quick chat before we go to work.
He calls me everyday before work, during break, after work, no matter how late it is. It helps him, somehow it helps me. Knowing that he is coping. He says that I don't deserve any of this, he is an idiot who destroyed our family. He deeply regrets, he wants to get help and fix everything. I want to believe him. He is scared he will have to go to jail and will never see our daughter again.
He loves our daughter very much, she loves him too. I know he has never done anything to her.
We don't have any family or friends around, so it is just me and baby.
We haven't told our families yet. I am not going to tell my parents, he's parents are coming to visit us in 3 weeks, so we don't know how to handle that, as he is not going be here. They will know something is wrong. He says he will have to confess.
As for me, I don't eat, cry all the time, don't want to leave the house, but have to keep it together for our child. Luckily I get to sleep.
My brain is still blocking everything.
I don't know how I am holding together. He is surprised how strong I stayed. And greatful that I decided to go through that with him.
He got silicitor at Police station, but I assume we should get someone else.
Also, we want to get on touch with GP, what should he say to get appoinmet and what kind of appoinmet he should get?
I want to believe that we can fix everything and still be a family.
I am reading your stories and they give me some hope that it is possible.
Husband called today as he couldn't wait until Wednesday. He told me the truth. So he said at first he was searching for adult pictures on sites and on side there were different categories and suggestions. He clicked on one, downloaded it and it happend to be pack of pictures and video's with underaged. At first he got scared and deteted it, but then he started to look for them. He was using peer to peer, so he won't avoid sharing charges. That was going on for 2-3 years he says, on and off. One months breaks and he was back. He was taking whole packs, so he didn't know exactly what was there, but he knew, that there will be underaged. So they are going to find a lot. Making and sharing.
He wants to cooperate 100% with Police, but for now we have to wait for charges.
He wants to cooperate 100% with Police, but for now we have to wait for charges.
Hello, I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know you are not alone. It's a really long process and don't let Social Services bully you into making any hasty decisions. You will be all over the place emotionally for a long time ( I'm ten months since the knock and still have little meltdowns) but things do get easier.
I have found this forum a big support and I know my partner has found the courses and therapy helpful in understanding how he got to this stage. Like many others in his case it was a long term porn addiction and he just wanted more and more depraved images to get the kick. Keep your chin up and look after yourself x
I have found this forum a big support and I know my partner has found the courses and therapy helpful in understanding how he got to this stage. Like many others in his case it was a long term porn addiction and he just wanted more and more depraved images to get the kick. Keep your chin up and look after yourself x
Thank you Heartbroken.
I try my best to stay strong, but it is very fresh.
I was looking for courses, therapies, any help he can get, but I am not sure if he should start them as soon as possible, even before the charges?
I am on this forum since day one, reading, searching, and it gives me some hope.
I try my best to stay strong, but it is very fresh.
I was looking for courses, therapies, any help he can get, but I am not sure if he should start them as soon as possible, even before the charges?
I am on this forum since day one, reading, searching, and it gives me some hope.
So sorry you find yourself in this situation littlebird. Pleased you have found the stories on this forum to be useful already. The helpline is also a valuable resource for you and your partner can also get in touch with Stop It Now for support and information if he really wants to begin his journey of recovery. My husband had found regular contact with a Stop It counsellor invaluable and is currently on their Inform course. Stop It can also recommend suitable therapists.
The RUI period is lengthy. We waited 8 months and I know others have waited longer. However you can both put the time to good use by starting your respective recoveries. Your feelings will be up and down constantly but advice I was given, and still bear in mind is be careful who you tell, don't make any really big decisions whilst in mental distress and don't be pressured by family or friends into doing something that may not be right for you.
Take care.
The RUI period is lengthy. We waited 8 months and I know others have waited longer. However you can both put the time to good use by starting your respective recoveries. Your feelings will be up and down constantly but advice I was given, and still bear in mind is be careful who you tell, don't make any really big decisions whilst in mental distress and don't be pressured by family or friends into doing something that may not be right for you.
Take care.
Hi Judith,
Yes, he called stop it now helpline on second day I believe, he is about to call them again to get advise what to do, where he can find help. He is off today, so we are constantly on the phone talking, crying, reassuring each other.
We have our daughter best interest in mind.
Thank you for advice, we are not going to tell anyone about that for now.
Yes, he called stop it now helpline on second day I believe, he is about to call them again to get advise what to do, where he can find help. He is off today, so we are constantly on the phone talking, crying, reassuring each other.
We have our daughter best interest in mind.
Thank you for advice, we are not going to tell anyone about that for now.
Thank you Lee.
He managed to call one of the charities, don't know which one, but will ask, they said they will call him back in couple of days with help available in our area.
I tell him that he should call stop it now helpline whenever he feels low. He can always call me anytime day and night.
For now I am quite scared to call them myslef as I will just cry. It is difficult to be on phone with husband, try to stay strong for him, but we are both breaking.
I am going on holiday in couple of weeks, for a week, to see my parents. He is obviusly not coming with us, just don't know how will I cope there. I will tell them he is ill. After that his parents are coming to visit and we will have to say something. How do you break such a news? Any advice ?
He managed to call one of the charities, don't know which one, but will ask, they said they will call him back in couple of days with help available in our area.
I tell him that he should call stop it now helpline whenever he feels low. He can always call me anytime day and night.
For now I am quite scared to call them myslef as I will just cry. It is difficult to be on phone with husband, try to stay strong for him, but we are both breaking.
I am going on holiday in couple of weeks, for a week, to see my parents. He is obviusly not coming with us, just don't know how will I cope there. I will tell them he is ill. After that his parents are coming to visit and we will have to say something. How do you break such a news? Any advice ?
Hi,
I was in the exact same boat as you in terms of the amount of images and how he got them. My partner has done the inform course and fortnightly counselling with a stop so therapist. His crown court is next week.
My piece of advice would be not to rush into telling people because once they know, you can't take it back. If you're one of the lucky ones and don't get any media coverage then only the people you have told will know.
I was in the exact same boat as you in terms of the amount of images and how he got them. My partner has done the inform course and fortnightly counselling with a stop so therapist. His crown court is next week.
My piece of advice would be not to rush into telling people because once they know, you can't take it back. If you're one of the lucky ones and don't get any media coverage then only the people you have told will know.
I agree with Lolamoo - don't rush into telling people. We kept it within close family for as long as we could until the media reared its ugly head.......
I'm sorry that you find yourself her, little-bird. You're still at the shocked stage so just breathe, don't make any rash decisions, arm yourself with information, don't rush to tell anyone. Come on here and talk to us, we understand what you're going through xx
Thank you all for kind words, that means world to me.
We are not telling anyone, but we have a small problem, as his parents are staying at our place for a week in November, so they will notice that their son is missing. We probably won't be able to see each other, as we don't know when SS is coming.
I am just praying that there will be no press.
Lolamoo, do you mind me asking if you have any children? If yes, how does it look with visits?
My husband is trying to get GP appoinmet, he called one charity that adviced getting in touch with other one, which we are going to do. We just try to stay focused on getting him help as fast as possible.
We are not telling anyone, but we have a small problem, as his parents are staying at our place for a week in November, so they will notice that their son is missing. We probably won't be able to see each other, as we don't know when SS is coming.
I am just praying that there will be no press.
Lolamoo, do you mind me asking if you have any children? If yes, how does it look with visits?
My husband is trying to get GP appoinmet, he called one charity that adviced getting in touch with other one, which we are going to do. We just try to stay focused on getting him help as fast as possible.
Sorry you have had to come here (like us all)
Main advice I can give with SS is when they come to speak to you do not say you don't think he could harm your child! You can say things like you have seen no signs or indications that he would/ has but you have to put your child as priority with them and everything you do is to keep them safe (including from your partner)
for us he was allowed supervised contact first just at his parents house where he was bailed to and I think it was another month or so before we got it broadened to contact at the family home but again supervised
do as much research as you can on signs of abuse and look into courses, I am just finishing a safeguard and prevent online course that was free (advised by someone on this forum) and SS seemed pleased I have been proactive
you are still very early on so try to take each day at a time and if you don't have anyone else to talk to I would definitely ring the helpline even if it is just to vent and cry they are very good listeners
Main advice I can give with SS is when they come to speak to you do not say you don't think he could harm your child! You can say things like you have seen no signs or indications that he would/ has but you have to put your child as priority with them and everything you do is to keep them safe (including from your partner)
for us he was allowed supervised contact first just at his parents house where he was bailed to and I think it was another month or so before we got it broadened to contact at the family home but again supervised
do as much research as you can on signs of abuse and look into courses, I am just finishing a safeguard and prevent online course that was free (advised by someone on this forum) and SS seemed pleased I have been proactive
you are still very early on so try to take each day at a time and if you don't have anyone else to talk to I would definitely ring the helpline even if it is just to vent and cry they are very good listeners
Hi. I was awoken to a knock at my door at the end of April this year. My husband was suspected to have uploaded an indecent image on Snapchat. The account was connected to his email address and verified with his correct date of birth. Police searched the house and took devices. Took mine and the kids details and naturally social services were called as is standard when there are children in the family home. I was initially told he couldnt come to the house to visit and that he would be escorted to collect personal belongings. Over that weekend he was not brought to collect belongings and police didn't seem to know where he was just that he was released on bail. Someone from social services called me a few days later to let me know they were allocating a social worker to come and do a family assessment. Due to the social workers need to meet all of the children together along with myself at home she had to wait for a day that she was available when my eldest daughter had a day off college so she didn't come until 2 weeks after the police had been here. She did our family assessment, said I was to supervise his contact with the children away from my home and in a public place then called me about 2 weeks later informing me that supervised contact was only to happen with his biological child and not my other children who aren't his biological children. After the family assessment our social worker was happy to close the case and have no further involvement due to the fact that I wasn't giving my ex any unsupervised visits therefore putting the children first rather than defending the accusations made against him as I could not honestly say whether or not I thought that he had done what he was accused of. It's taken up to last week for him to be cleared of all charges and his bail conditions lifted but our marriage is long gone and we are now in the process of divorce proceedings. I didn't want my marriage to end like this but then I also cannot live with a husband I no longer trust due to the fact that he had already spent 2 years being secretive about his online activities which included signing up to dating sites
Hi little bird, you mentioned about different courses your husband could look into. Stop So course and counselling us a good start, they will also recommend the Lucy Faithful Foundation course. Both have helped my husband come to terms with how his actions have caused so much devastation and also looks at future triggers. Maybe worth giving it a look?
Thank you for your replies.
Husband called Lucy Foundation, but they told him that they don't do courses on our area, so it will have to be online. But - they don't have dates yet, they couldn't tell him when next courses will be available. That is a problem.
He will try to call stop so again, hopefully they do therapies online.
Calling GP is a nightmare. Still nothing. Impossible to do this.
Tomorrow is a week, still nothing from SS.
Husband called Lucy Foundation, but they told him that they don't do courses on our area, so it will have to be online. But - they don't have dates yet, they couldn't tell him when next courses will be available. That is a problem.
He will try to call stop so again, hopefully they do therapies online.
Calling GP is a nightmare. Still nothing. Impossible to do this.
Tomorrow is a week, still nothing from SS.
Hi little bird
We managed to see a social worker within a few days of the knock (I was 24 weeks pregnant with our first). I had to call them to arrange as I was super keen to get things sorted.
We have now had our daughter and she is 5 weeks old. Hubby is allowed to stay at home but I have to supervise him at all times. We have a very detailed safety plan in place. We are still waiting on devices to be checked and when they are and he is charged we will reassess with social services. If nothing else is found we can potentially relax some of the restrictions and if there is anything else found he will probably have to leave (and I would probably kick him out anyway as it would probably mean he has lied again!).
We are looking at around 12 more moths before we have a conclusion to our case. But hopefully less.
Hubby was put in contact with a therapist from stopso in person. It has been incredible for him. He also wants fo do the Lucy faithful courses but they advised not to do therapy and the course at the same time. So don't worry there is no dates right now - focus on the therapy.
Are you looking after yourself? Make sure you are taking the time to ensure you are ok.
We managed to see a social worker within a few days of the knock (I was 24 weeks pregnant with our first). I had to call them to arrange as I was super keen to get things sorted.
We have now had our daughter and she is 5 weeks old. Hubby is allowed to stay at home but I have to supervise him at all times. We have a very detailed safety plan in place. We are still waiting on devices to be checked and when they are and he is charged we will reassess with social services. If nothing else is found we can potentially relax some of the restrictions and if there is anything else found he will probably have to leave (and I would probably kick him out anyway as it would probably mean he has lied again!).
We are looking at around 12 more moths before we have a conclusion to our case. But hopefully less.
Hubby was put in contact with a therapist from stopso in person. It has been incredible for him. He also wants fo do the Lucy faithful courses but they advised not to do therapy and the course at the same time. So don't worry there is no dates right now - focus on the therapy.
Are you looking after yourself? Make sure you are taking the time to ensure you are ok.
I will ask him to call stop so again. He tries 111 and our GP, but nothing.
I try to look after myself, but can't eat at all. It is difficult with absorbing 1yo. Don't have much time for myself, and when she is finally asleep, I just go to sleep myself.
I worry about husband as he is really low right now. He is completly different. Since the knock i feel that I have to do something. Keep reading this forum, checking things online. He can't. He keeps calling me crying, that he ruined everything and that he should be strong for me, not the opposite. That i do everything for him. And he is grateful, as he was thinking about taking his life. Told him that it is the worst thing as he will leave me in even worst position that we are now. Told him to call me straight away, all the time. We talk a lot.
I just want ss to finally come or at least give me a call. Second he can start see her under any conditions, I think will help him. He misses her so much. Don't think they will come anytime soon.
I try to do safety plan, to be trasy ahead, and sign into courses, but have some problem. Will call provider tomorrow.
Congratulations on your baby xx
I try to look after myself, but can't eat at all. It is difficult with absorbing 1yo. Don't have much time for myself, and when she is finally asleep, I just go to sleep myself.
I worry about husband as he is really low right now. He is completly different. Since the knock i feel that I have to do something. Keep reading this forum, checking things online. He can't. He keeps calling me crying, that he ruined everything and that he should be strong for me, not the opposite. That i do everything for him. And he is grateful, as he was thinking about taking his life. Told him that it is the worst thing as he will leave me in even worst position that we are now. Told him to call me straight away, all the time. We talk a lot.
I just want ss to finally come or at least give me a call. Second he can start see her under any conditions, I think will help him. He misses her so much. Don't think they will come anytime soon.
I try to do safety plan, to be trasy ahead, and sign into courses, but have some problem. Will call provider tomorrow.
Congratulations on your baby xx
Also i tried to sign up into maximise course: googled safeguarding and prevent. Found what you said. Clicked to enroll the course, did the sign up form, received na email, clicked link, gives me choince of Scotland or England and then list of courses, but it isn't there, safeguarding and prevent. Should I give them a call? I will later. Or is it usder different name there?