Telling the children
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I am currently almost 10 months post Knock. I have avoided telling my children anything although my eldest was awake when the police came. Police suggested I tell him that Daddy was helping them with an investigation and he was happy with that. We waited two weeks to tell them that we had broken up, with me simply saying he had moved to his Mum’s as she was poorly. We explained it simply as Mummy and Daddy don’t love each other any more which always felt somehow wrong as he had never seen any arguments or nastiness and I was said that he would understand that relationships can break up just like that. Of late our Social Worker has said I should tell him more as the court date is coming up. I have ummed and aahhhhed about dating anything as I feel that once it is out there I can never take it back. The SW has produced a booklet to help but I simply don’t want police, law, arrests, prison to be part of my children’s worlds and always maintained I would say that Daddy had gone away to work. I just want to protect them from this. However SW says that it coming out at a later date/state could do more damage. 3 weeks ago, my ex got his charge sheet and court date. Until this point I had not known the exact nature of the charges apart from possesssion of IIOC. He told me his charges were pictures in each of the three categories plus a charge for video in category c. Somehow I understood this to be 9 picture and a video. However a week later the SW told him he had to tell me the exact charges or she could not discuss it with me and the truth was worse than I could ever have imagined in terms of numbers. I was convinced them he would get a custodial sentence and it would be in the papers so I would need to tell the children. Spoke to SW and police officer who both don’t seem to think custodial - first offence, admitted guilt, taking steps to help himself (although can’t discuss these with me???). So now I am torn again. I am going to magistrates court as want to know exact nature of what he possesed, to see if press are there and to see if my address is mentioned. Police feel press will not be there so that I have time to discuss this with the kids between magistrates and crown but I simply don’t know. It upsets me so much to think about telling them as life will never be the same for them again. My eldest still hasn’t told any friends that we have split up as he feels stigmatised by it let alone once he knows reasons. Any advice gratefully received thank you.
How old are your children? Are the old enough to understand what the nature is?
Do NOT feel pressured by your social worker to tell them. They cannot make you. If they are young it is only going to bring up more questions about mature situations that is far beyond their years.
Do NOT feel pressured by your social worker to tell them. They cannot make you. If they are young it is only going to bring up more questions about mature situations that is far beyond their years.
My eldest is 10, youngest is 6. Eldest keeps asking why the social worker keeps coming - I told them it was something that schools arrange to just check that children are ok when Mummies and Daddies split up - such a web of lies but at the time o had no advice and was just desperate for them not to have this on their life and was trying to protect them. Oldest would understand in basic terms of Daddy had something on his computer he shouldn’t have but it leads to questions of what, why, is Daddy going to prison etc. I am just so worried it will come to them a different way and it’s the last thing I want. We have different surnames to their Dad which helps but he worked until recent dismissal with 3 women whose children are in the same class as my oldest - they weren’t on his shift but will recognise the name of it gets out. If my children HAVE to know, it HAS to be from me but if they don’t need to I don’t want them part of this horrible world.
Rosa, my eldest is also 10 but was 6 when we had that dreaded knock. In my opinion it's too much to tell them. It's far too young, it's going to raise so many questions. My children know "daddy done something naughty on the computer" and that's it. Our social worker came because "since he done something naughty we have rules to follow". It's not a lie, its just a very simple form of the truth.
When it comes to prison there is a lot of support there. My husbands sentence was relatively short so we said he had to work away. He spoke to them once a week and wrote letters. They were happy enough with that. If you decide to tell them there are age appropriate books you can buy ir there are fact sheets from organisations. I found Families Outside were a valuable asset. Your social worker should be able to point you in the right direction.
As you have chosen not to continue with your relationship social work *should* be easier on you. Don't be scared to use your voice. Make your views and opinions heard to them!
When it comes to prison there is a lot of support there. My husbands sentence was relatively short so we said he had to work away. He spoke to them once a week and wrote letters. They were happy enough with that. If you decide to tell them there are age appropriate books you can buy ir there are fact sheets from organisations. I found Families Outside were a valuable asset. Your social worker should be able to point you in the right direction.
As you have chosen not to continue with your relationship social work *should* be easier on you. Don't be scared to use your voice. Make your views and opinions heard to them!
Thank you to you both for your replies, they are very helpful. Poster, I think you have hit the nail on the head with the social worker’s concerns - in a world where Daddy lived a lie, I feel I have become somehow complicit in it by not being more upfront but there really was no guidance and support at the time. My eldest has always expressed his anger at me as he feels I must have done something wrong and i’m afraid I accepted that rather than let him know the truth. I was let down badly by my Dad as a child and I think I have wanted to protect them from the same realisation that people do stuff knowing the risk to family. I have no sympathy and understanding for my ex and don’t plan to explore that avenue soon - anger has fuelled me through the last 9 months. The way I see it is that he chose to sacrifice his own kids’ happy futures and I can never forgive that. My counsellor would like to explore the loss of a 20 year relationship and hopes and dreams for the future but i’m not ready for that yet. I just wish I had known what the right thing to say to the children last May was.
Hi thought I would give you how I have handled telling my children the whole situation
So October is when we had the knock so all the kids where awake when it happened but daddy had gone to work so did the same as you daddy is just helping the police. Then because he was not allowed to be bailed to our home address he stayed at his mum's so we just said that daddy was working nr nanny's house so would be better for him to be closer but he came every night for tea supervised by me. Children's services have been very quite with me I was always ringing them for advice/help and support. Then came night before Xmas Eve and he was charged with making by downloading iioc over all categories thousands of them. He was up in magistrate court in janJanu for a plea hearing where he had plead guilty over a four year period. Sorry to say but the papers where there and did write about it and even tho he was not at our address the street name was printed as well as his mum's . So I sat down with my daughter who is 10 soon to be 11 and explained that daddy was in trouble with the police and had downloaded something that is illigal off the internet and that is why he is not allowed to live with us but it dose not stop him from loving her any different and she was fine a little up set that daddy was in trouble but after a cuddle she was ok I did brake the news with hubby there to as I feel that they have to see what there action has done. The other two are 9 and 5 so I didn't think it was right to say anything as they had just got on with the fact daddy works away. So 3 weeks ago crown court he was sentenced to 8 months in prison now children services have been out I told them that I told my 10 year old daddy had gone away and the pin dropped with her that daddy had gone to prison but is still not awear of why but if and when she is older and asks me why I will tell her age appropriate obviously and the two younger ones I said daddy is working away for a while so we won't see him and as I thought five minutes later they asked if daddy was coming for tea I just said no he has to work away and now they have just got on with it.
I hope this helps a little I don't have any input from Cs at the moment untill hubby is released but they said with the children at least I am trying to keep them in the loop as best as I can for there age and I want the to have as normal a life as possible so doing what is best for them X
So October is when we had the knock so all the kids where awake when it happened but daddy had gone to work so did the same as you daddy is just helping the police. Then because he was not allowed to be bailed to our home address he stayed at his mum's so we just said that daddy was working nr nanny's house so would be better for him to be closer but he came every night for tea supervised by me. Children's services have been very quite with me I was always ringing them for advice/help and support. Then came night before Xmas Eve and he was charged with making by downloading iioc over all categories thousands of them. He was up in magistrate court in janJanu for a plea hearing where he had plead guilty over a four year period. Sorry to say but the papers where there and did write about it and even tho he was not at our address the street name was printed as well as his mum's . So I sat down with my daughter who is 10 soon to be 11 and explained that daddy was in trouble with the police and had downloaded something that is illigal off the internet and that is why he is not allowed to live with us but it dose not stop him from loving her any different and she was fine a little up set that daddy was in trouble but after a cuddle she was ok I did brake the news with hubby there to as I feel that they have to see what there action has done. The other two are 9 and 5 so I didn't think it was right to say anything as they had just got on with the fact daddy works away. So 3 weeks ago crown court he was sentenced to 8 months in prison now children services have been out I told them that I told my 10 year old daddy had gone away and the pin dropped with her that daddy had gone to prison but is still not awear of why but if and when she is older and asks me why I will tell her age appropriate obviously and the two younger ones I said daddy is working away for a while so we won't see him and as I thought five minutes later they asked if daddy was coming for tea I just said no he has to work away and now they have just got on with it.
I hope this helps a little I don't have any input from Cs at the moment untill hubby is released but they said with the children at least I am trying to keep them in the loop as best as I can for there age and I want the to have as normal a life as possible so doing what is best for them X
Vic
thanks so much for sharing your journey. It really helps, I think you have handled everything perfectly.
thanks so much for sharing your journey. It really helps, I think you have handled everything perfectly.
Vic87, I have scrolled through all your posts and am amazed by how quickly everything went for you. The Knock came for him in May last year and he only had first magistrates this Tuesday. No press and no address mentioned - my 2 main fears temporarily allayed. Both CPS and his solicitor whilst arguing the charge both up and down declared that they thought it could be dealt with at magistrates - I didn’t Think this sort of crime could be sentence at magistrates? So 6 weeks till next hearing which is again at magistrates and at least some breathing space in regards to if I decide to tell kids. Then if not dealt with then, I guess it will go to crown - but it will be a year at least that it has all taken and I know of others that have taken longer. With the number of images, I am just amazed they got through it in that time. I feel at least have had periods of quiet and calm so have been able to gather myself for the next battle but it sounds like yours was just a high speed train, so I feel for you. Xxx
Sorry typing on my phone and so not always clear as I can’t read back!!!