Family and Friends Forum

Hi Hope,

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. It sounds like your partner has made a very silly mistake. Has your partner admitted everything to the Police? I'm assuming from what you've said the police won't find any indecent images of children or anything similar on his phone which will definitely help towards not getting more charges. My advice to you would be to definitely focus on yourself and let time decide what you want to do about the situation. Make sure your partner doesn't speak to the police without a solicitor. My partner is yet to have charges brought against him. The police will be waiting for forensics of the phone to be done I would imagine before they take your case to the CPS which takes anywhere from a few months to two years. Sending lots of love x

Hi hope

you might have seen from my recent post that I'm still in the early stages but everything you've said seems very like my situation. And I truly could understand everything you wrote and everything you are feeling - as right now, that's how I feel.

I'm sorry I don't have anything practical to offer as I'm, like you, reading up on what I can expect, understanding the reactions from others and trying to deal with my own feelings towards this and towards him.



I guess I just wanted to let you know that as horrible as it is, I'm in the same place and I wanted to send you love and support.



Bee x

Hope394 - first of all well done for reaching out, I know how hard it can be but you will find this forum is full of supportive partners feeling exactly the same as you.

Our stories are the same, my husband of 28 years was arrested in March for sexual communication with 2 minors (both police decoys). My emotions have been so up and down, 1 minute I want to leave him, the next I want to help him. I'm now 7 months in and have decided to stay with him. He is so remorseful and has completed Stop So and Lucy Faithful course, as well as attending many counselling sessions. He has acknowledged that he, at the time, gave no regard to who he was talking to, as long as he was getting attention it was good for him. I have also research sex addiction and this has made me realise it was never my fault.

He received 3 charges - one of communication with minors, and 2 charges stating the girls ages and it was intent to encite sexual behaviour. We have Crown Court on Friday. We are hoping for suspended sentence, but it can carry a 2 year prison sentence!

I will keep you posted on what he gets, although it's not guaranteed your partner will get the same, it will give you an indication.

The one piece of advice I would give you, and I'm sure many others will say the same, is don't make any life changing decisions just yet. A book I have recently read says that after such a trauma you should wait at least 6 months before deciding your future. Take time for yourself, I know this sounds daft but you may find yourself almost trying to protect your partner (I know I did), I made sure everyone ekse was OK and didn't really look after myself.

Always here if you need a chat xxxx

Hi hope 394,

your case sounds like our case, we have 3 young children as well so SS are involved but have told us not to worry as they are happy with things at the moment, unless they find anything else,

we are hoping that he will be allowed to stop at home again soon as he is sleeping in the car, (trying to get a caravan for him to sleep in ) but I think I know deep down he will not be allowed back until our daughter is a lot older as she is only 10 but we just keep on hoping and thinking positive.

Keep been strong and talking to each other my Husband is the kind of person who try’s to work things out himself and is a closed person, but this has made us stronger as we talk a lot more and share things and feelings, we have even told our children together about what is happening and prepared them for the worst if it happens. Some days I do feel mad/ angry with him about what he is putting us all through I feel it’s harder seeing the kids so upset and worried as it’s a very long process and then watching my husband crumble in front of them. We are still at the early stages of the investigation but will keep you updated as to what happens

I second that Bob, as a couple we have never been as open with each other if something is on our minds..... It really does help to talk.

Hi hope,

Your situation sounds similar to mine. Been with my husband 8 years when we got the knock, no kids but want them in our future etc.

Our case lasted just under 2 years from knock to crown court, we'd been told 3-6 months initially, but the Pandemic probably didn't help. His charges are from 2 police decoy conversations, but weirdly there are essentially 3 charges which are worded identically but as they were in 2 different conversations he got 6 charges (if that makes sense?) There will be images as an extra charge per category if your partner sent or received any.

We were told all along it was likely he'd get 2 years suspended sentence. Then when cps finally released the evidence, the ages mentioned in the conversation increased the severity level, and if your partner can't remember what he said in the conversations, there are certain things which can be more serious and lead to a longer sentence. My OH ended up with 3 years (so 18 months inside). A Shpo on devices and indefinite register notification. We've been told that this was quite harsh but I think it is genuinely partly down to which judge you get on the day.

I had all the same thoughts about my/our future as you are having. I decided to stick by him, but since he's been in prison and the media hit, it has been a lot harder and loads of my friends found out from the media which was really unhelpful. Most have been very supportive of me, but a lot are unsure how to feel about him.

Family life from what I've heard is again dependant on who your social worker is and also what risk level they perceive your partner to be. I've been told it is likely ambitious to think that he will be able to live in the family home should we have children, no idea for how long that would be the case.

Throughout the whole process I've done what felt right for me at the time, at the end of the day it is your life and your choice to make. My husband showed remorse and was totally honest with me too, which helped me to realise I wanted to stay with him. I wasn't able to just turn off my love for him and walk away.

But I must admit that especially now he's in prison and I have to adapt and wait for him etc, I genuinely don't know what the future holds for me and for us, I'm hoping time and 'living' this new world will help me to decide.

Not sure if that is helpful in any way, but reading your story, it resonated with me as it sounds so similar. Your partner's outcome may be less severe, it really does depend on the content of the chat logs too.

Hi Hope,

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Your story is sadly almost identical to mine, but I'm at the 'end point' as it were.



We'd been married 15yrs, own home, pets and a toddler when we got 'the knock.' It was a police decoy, pretending to be 12yrs old and only 6 msgs shared. Unfortunately, in those 6msgs, my husband had sent sexually explicit pics/video, encouraged pictures back (obviously not sent to him) and suggested a meet up which he didn't pursue.



Case took a year almost to the day, no other inappropriate communications with minors were found on devices seized. Other communications were on there, but with adult women.



Our solicitor led us to believe with his clean record, no priors, courses completed on bail, counselling and medication for depression sought, husband would be looking at a suspended sentence. We couldn't have been more wrong. Sentencing guidelines were altered while he was on bail and charges at Crown Court from May 2021 are now more harsh when in relation to decoys. They are now treated with the same gravity as if they were genuine victims. He had 3 charges - 2 relating to causing/inciting a child to engage in sexual activity and 1 to cause a child to look at sexual imagery.



The judge took the dimmest view possible and decided on an immediate custodial sentence of 15mths, so he's serving 7.5mths (we're 4 mths in). He has an SHPO for 5yrs (restricted online access and supervised access to children) and is on the sex offender registry for 10yrs. The real icing on the cake was the courts/police (unsure which) released the info two weeks later to the local press to publish. He lost his job and many friends and family found out. I'd say for me, the custodial sentence and exposure was the nail in the coffin for our relationship. I fell down the darkest hole of humiliation, devastation, pain and hurt and I'm only just, with the help of a counsellor, climbing out of it.



While he was on bail and we limped along trying to keep things as normal as possible, I genuinely did wonder if we'd be able to rescue our marriage. I still loved him, I tried to minimise the crime in my head (only a decoy, no real victim, only 1 conversation etc.) I knew he had low self esteem and depression, but once he went to prison and I heard the full story in court (and read the transcripts) how he'd been advised by the decoy they were 12, yet he went on to pretend to be 16 and tried to communicate with her sexually, I'm not sure that's something I'll ever come to terms with. Hes very, very sorry, he's horrified at what he's done. But for me, he's a parent, he has a little boy. When you became a parent there's a certain 'stewardship' you feel towards all children in general. You understand exactly how upset and horrified you'd be if someone tried to hurt your child and that's what this decoy said she was - a child of 12 and he carried on sexually abusing her regardless. My niece is 12. I simply cannot look at him in the same way. I would have staked my life that he was the least likely candidate to ever do something like this, knowing what I do now, I don't know if I'll ever trust him again.



If I'm completely honest - I'm still reeling that this is my actual life. That other people also know what he did. That social services are picking up with me in the New Year to discuss safeguarding my son from his own father and having to disclose all of this to his school. I burn with humiliation and hurt every time I think about it. It was only when he went to prison, was no longer in my daily life making everything seem 'normal,' that finally the gravity of the crime hit me. But this is just my scenario. I know many members have stayed with their partners. I have no idea how they've found the strength or love to push on, I'm in awe of that and wish them lots of luck.



There's only you can decide if you can salvage your relationship, but don't do what we did and expect a light sentence. Tie up any financial messiness if you can, make sure you have access to all bank accounts etc. just in case, so you're better prepared. Put utilities, Sky/Virgin etc in your name etc. so you can communicate with them all. It smoothes the ride a bit practically.



Lastly, take it day by day. You don't have to make hard and fast choices immediately, but I do recommend counselling. I've flitted between love and hate and all the shades inbetween. It takes time to find your feet and a real sense of yourself again. Wishing you all the best.

I would agree with everyone saying not making big decisions while in a state of heightened emotions.

Bob you wrote how strong and loving it is to stay with the person. It can be. But it can also be strong and loving to leave them too.

Within a few days of the knock I clearly recognised how I would make his life a misery if I tried to make it work. He would never be able to be good enough to make up for this. I gave him everything and he kept this huge secret addiction for a lot of our 10 yr relationship. He shattered my trust. And he should have sorted his sh*t out the moment he knew he was going to be a father. Or at least the moment he held her. My kids are worth more than that and so am I. I don't want to be an angry resentful person so I don't want to be in that relationship.

I hope one day we can be friends, though there is a lot to work through. I want to do what is best for the children and it is so hard having to arrange contact and invite him into my home via video call when the children want to speak.

It has been a traumatic and devestating year. Leaving is in no way the easy option. Emotionally, practically, financially. But whatever feels right for the situation, that's the thing to try. And what is right can change and evolve.

Everyone's story on here is unique and the decisions made reflect that.

Guidance on here on this forum is really valuable, having so many people in similar situations. However, I've found for me at times it can start normalising this sort of crime a bit when you read so many stories. It's important to have time away from it too. Talking to a counselor or trusted friends and family is really important too

Dear Hope_349,

When I read your post it resonated with me as I too was in a similar situation; together for 8 years, engaged and with a wedding impending in the 3 months before the knock. I am a teacher and am currently writing a book inspired by my terrible experiences and those of women like us. (My earlier post is a few pages back called 'Open Letter 2 years on') I am 2 years on the journey now, justice was served in the end he pleaded guilty at crown court and got the consequences he deserved.


Lost post ahead! Sorry! :)


Like you, I am quite young and it adds another ‘layer’ of damage to what is already an awful situation which is so isolating in itself, let alone the lack of information of how to support young women/life direction after this impact!! It feels so unfair. I really struggled with the same life decisions you describe, telling family/friends and cancelling a wedding was humiliating of course and spent a long time in therapy to come to terms with it all and where it left me – starting from scratch early 30s and traumatised just felt like a massive gut punch having my life ripped from under me.

You mention your partner's family are supportive but ultimately, their loyalties lie with him as their son and his best interests will always come first - your best interests will sadly come second in comparison if that makes sense. My doctor advised me that I must have a support network of my own (I was so scared to tell people at first) - he said 'your mental health will pay a heavy price' by keeping this secret and not allowing my family in on what was happening - You must allow yourself a supportive network around you, Sadly this is the way it is, you need someone on your side too that can have your interests at heart too.


My gut instinct in my situation however, was to leave – our stories differ perhaps because my ex was in constant denial/toxic shame about his crimes and gaslighted and emotionally blackmailed me to stay silent about what he did. He never took responsibility and I was never given a genuine apology for what he did to me in the process; He even went to the extent of telling me I had imagined the entire ordeal… With that in mind, the anger, injustice and the audacity alone made walking away my only option. I felt it was not a foundation in which to salvage a relationship nor was it possible to build a happy future into marriage/family life without ramifications later on. I am also a teacher, so all of this did not sit well with me professionally either.

Hope_349, I completely understand everyone is different, and some women do choose to work through things and forgive for various reasons that is their choice to make which we must respect as we never know the right thing to do; you just do what feels right for YOUR situation. There will be endless streams of advice coming your way I am sure from well meaning friends etc and even on this very forum and in reading this post! Lol but ultimately you have the power to choose YOUR life.

Irrespective of your partner’s requests/pleas and no matter how many vulnerable conversations he has with you – the cards are ultimately in your hands, not his. I apologise if this sounds a little direct. From your post it sounds like the burden of responsibility for choosing a life path is understandably plaguing your headspace the way it did mine.

I just want to illustrate the positive silver lining that you have control here even though it feels like your world has exploded, working on my self esteem through therapy was a comfort to me and helped me flip my thinking to feel more empowered and able to cope better.

In therapy I learnt that we can never be responsible for someone else’s behaviour, my ex threatened suicide at one point too. By extension and association we as women feel the need to fix things, to nurture, not to desert the ones we love etc and I certainly drained myself trying to damage control for the mistakes HE made. It was really shocking and sobering to hear my therapist say ‘you are not responsible if he lives or dies, he is responsible for his own behaviour and actions. Nothing you do will ever control that’. That was a huge wakeup call and took me a long time to understand and no matter what I did would never change the FACTS that this DID happen and IS happening and I cannot control his actions.

If that were true none of this would have happened in the first place! Could never save him from himself – That first click/download spiral which began the chain of events long before I ever knew about it clearly highlights there was never anything I could have done to change the course of events. Just like many of us torture ourselves with the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ of something more we could have done to prevent this.

There is a lot of reference to viewing child pornography as a ‘mistake’ on this forum –
Perhaps it makes people feel better calling it a ‘mistake’… I wonder if the parents of the child victims would share the same view…? The actual abused child themselves, do they see this as a ‘mistake?’
We must not diminish this crime to a ‘mistake’ which implies a flippant error made one time.

Sadly this is not the case in this level of serious crime and is an ongoing habit across considerable time. Time long enough in fact to get caught. Part of my healing process was to not make excuses for this man who I believed I could trust. We all think ‘I’d never have thought him capable of this’ don’t we?

Again, this might be direct and is my view only, but like I say, therapy helped to disentangle my anguish of feeling lost and helpless by flipping the thinking to be more reliant on fact – it puts you in a position of power and logic and clearer thinking on what you choose to do next, whatever that may be.

My conclusion in my story was that my ex was maker of his OWN undoing and facts are facts. I was due to marry this man in a few months before the knock – I just felt heartbroken that THIS was my future husband I was supposed to feel proud of? To be the father of my children one day? That was a step too far for me. So I made my choice and that may differ from other women, and that’s fine.

The point is, Hope_349 – You can only do what feels right for you, the number 1 advice I can give you is to maintain your self esteem and worth because without it your sense of self will be consumed by the enormity of what YOU want and becomes all about what makes HIS life easier. You have earned the right to take your time and you do not have to answer to anyone, even him, on what your decisions are until you’re ready. In the meantime I strongly recommend therapy or counselling – it saved my life.

Again, this is direct but said with love :) ….. he created this mess, so he must wait until you are ready to respond in whichever way you choose. Don’t rush and take your time.

Useful videos I watched may help a lighthearted watch to help with self esteem :) xx
Videos by Iyalna Vanzant on self esteem and another one of hers about pain - clips on youtube from the Oprah show :)

Sending lots of hugs and love for you all

Best wishes and good luck xxx

Bird 19. xx

So to answer your question, yes he has a job that he has been able to keep. He is fortunate enough that at the moment, he has not needed to disclose. He works from home the majority of the time (this is what led him to feeling very isolated when the first lockdown hit). Thankfully now he is able to get out and about with his job which is helping.

He had his court appearance on Friday, but it was just another plea hearing! Absolutely bonkers waste of everyone's time! Anyway, he is back for sentencing at the end of November. His barrister says will will be extremely lucky to get a suspended sentence and has advice him to expect a custodial! I'm so so scared, not only at the thought of him going to prison, but also because there was a press officer at the plea hearing, I'm fully expecting him to be back again for sentencing. I live in a small village, and bad news spreads like wildfire.

Hi all,

Thanks lost123, equally I would be interested in reading your work too, I wish you luck in your writing journey and can’t wait to read more, work like this is so important. Writing has been a cathartic experience and I hope one day there will be more literature of this kind to help women like us deal with the situation we find ourselves in.

As you say, this forum is a godsend and we are so lucky to have each other for mutual understanding albeit everyone’s experiences are so different. Thank you to all who have posted – I hadn’t really participated in any forum chats until now 2 years on, but I found a lot of comfort reading other people’s posts when I was at my lowest points. (Perhaps seeking answers I never received from my ex?) reading other people’s stories gave me a lot of hope and light knowing I wasn’t alone in my suffering, so thank you. Lost123 I absolutely agree with your points about addiction etc, as you say the level of remorse and accountability taken by the offender is key. Sadly this was not the case in my situation, but for many women, I understand that an open dialogue and communication with their partners could facilitate any potential reconciliation and eventually forgive if that is what people choose to do.

Personally I could not forgive and would have been morally at odds with my profession as a teacher. That's just me. Fortunately I had a lucky escape for any marital obligations or kids that made it very easy to leave although terminating a shared mortgage was a massive headache- Bernie is right in aligning any practicalities i.e bills/banks and paperwork which makes things a little more streamlined for you later. Nonetheless decisions are not taken lightly, like Bernie said earlier, I too am in awe of these amazing women who can find it in their heart to forgive and wish them lots of luck.

Hope - I felt your post struck a chord with me as I too was very young when this happened to me and can relate very much to your dilemma of deciding your life path. I felt it twisted the knife further when my social circle were celebrating life's milestones in happiness around me when my world had come crashing down was too much to bear. So I get it and it will take time, my directness earlier comes from a place of love, care and experience I do hope that comes across xx It will feel overwhelming to have the millions of ‘what ifs’ and worse case scenarios in your head all at once 24/7 there is no real right way to deal with this. I spent so long searching for answers but found there is a distinct lack of information for emotional support besides this website/forum which is a lifeline and thankful that it exists, but more should be out there by way of mental health support for the secondary victims and family/partners left behind. (Of course the police/law/SS can advise only so far) but coping with day to day life and emotions is really where the work begins and mental health/wellbeing takes its toll.

The enormity of all this consumed me and took me a long time to reach a level where I could even talk about it without crying – hence why I advocate having a support network of your own to unpick this at pace that feels comfortable to you, perhaps through therapy, counselling or with a trusted friend etc to help see objectively at all your options. Lots of love and good luck xxx