Family and Friends Forum

Hello everybody..

Im just going to use this post as a ramble spot.

I think it's a year to the day tomorrow since the knock.

A lot has changed.

My mum passed away (my best friend) and I have a great deal of trauma about it which I'm wading through month by month.

I haven't heard properly from my best friend since I told her. I have reached out a few times and I respect her right to time. It's just sad and lonely to think that this is it but I respect that if she no longer wants anything to do With me or my husband then that's her choice.

My husband is on a drink reduction program but has been stuck at home due to a leg burn. Which means most night the program he's on isn't followed. It's not new anymore and is getting to the hard bit. The odd night where he does follow it gives him liberty to say that these things take time. Which winds me the Frick up. Drink played a large part in the reason I'm on this forum and he's taken responsibility for the fact that he's basically a high functioning alcoholic.

His depression (imo) couldn't be any worse because he's stuck inside all day, hates his job when he actually goes there, is under investigation, has no self worth or value of himself. Need I go on...

He is trying to take up new hobbies in the house which works but by spending money on lots of little things it adds up. Of course his parents very kindly lend him money but it's not going to solve the problem of him learning to control his spending.

I often wonder whether because he's inside all day and I see him literally every minute of the day that I'm expecting to see that change faster and faster.

Im having personal problems with my job, my sexuality, my gender, identity as a whole really.

To top it all off we're both potentially autistic in vastly different ways.

I'm in therapy but that stopped due to funding from work, I'll be getting some more help privately.

I'm at my limit most days, I hate myself for putting myself in this position but I suck it up and keep marching on. Times moves forward. We don't get a reset button. We can give people chances but right now... The chances I'm giving out are mine to take...

One peice of advice... Focus on yourself, what you can do to better your life?

Read books about it when you're in the mood, go to therapy, do something different.

It's really hard, espeically since I personally have no self regulation and putting in everyday to get very little out is tiring. I am an emotionally reactive person who doesn't consistently do change.

Im terrified of the end to this only because I don't know what that end will look like, whether it'll be a small court hearing or a caution like the police said it would most likely be.

Until that day Ill suck up up all the sh*itake I'm being fed and swallow it because nothing and no one gets to tell me I'm not getting back up again, that I'm not one of the world strongest women for everything I've been through.

When that days comes I'll decide on what to do then. I don't want to leave because of the fear of a court case so I'll not think about it until it become a certainty. I don't need that added stress of whatifs.

I'm starting again with the trying to avoid this forum because it doesn't help to ruminate too much all the time.

Ramble finished.