So lost and lonely
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My husband has been RUI for the last 7 months for IIOC.
He tried to commit suicide twice straight after arrest. SS have allowed him how saying they don't feel there is a risk to our 2 children. I have allowed him to stay at home for their sake but there is no relationship between us. I can't bear the sight of him. When I am at home I ask him to be out and vice Versa. A few friends know we are having some marital problems but no idea of what is really happening.
his therapist is telling him to keep working on his marriage and to keep trying to make amends which I actually feel is wrong. There is nothing in this world that he could do to make up for the destruction that he has caused. All the love and trust and respect we had had vanished. I am so frightened to make the break from him but we are now arguing in front of the kids which I swore I would never do.
I can never forgive what he seems to think is just a mistake.
we have been together for 20years and yes I have found some stuff that I didn't know for the whole time we have been together but I don't believe it's an excuse for what he has done and the destruction.
No point to my post other than it has been a particularly bad weekend and I feelmlikeni have no handle on anything and what I really want to do is tell him to bugger off for a while. Problem is the children idiolise him!
He tried to commit suicide twice straight after arrest. SS have allowed him how saying they don't feel there is a risk to our 2 children. I have allowed him to stay at home for their sake but there is no relationship between us. I can't bear the sight of him. When I am at home I ask him to be out and vice Versa. A few friends know we are having some marital problems but no idea of what is really happening.
his therapist is telling him to keep working on his marriage and to keep trying to make amends which I actually feel is wrong. There is nothing in this world that he could do to make up for the destruction that he has caused. All the love and trust and respect we had had vanished. I am so frightened to make the break from him but we are now arguing in front of the kids which I swore I would never do.
I can never forgive what he seems to think is just a mistake.
we have been together for 20years and yes I have found some stuff that I didn't know for the whole time we have been together but I don't believe it's an excuse for what he has done and the destruction.
No point to my post other than it has been a particularly bad weekend and I feelmlikeni have no handle on anything and what I really want to do is tell him to bugger off for a while. Problem is the children idiolise him!
Hi, hope you are ok, I split with my husband about 20months ago after an online sting, there was no going back for me I couldn't look at him in the same way and 20 years together just all seemed a lie and one I couldn't continue, I understand some can stay and support and even get past in some way the shame they put us threw, my children lost a father and now totally rely upon me, but I wouldn't change a thing now, well apart from the reasons we split and everyone knowing my business, I've rebuilt my life and yes it's lonely and difficult being solo but I do believe it was the best for me and the children to remove ourselves from what had come from the toxic relationship I now know I was in, I'm still awaiting for an outcome/charges and my youngest does have supervised contact by myself with her dad ( my older two opted not too) it's only once a fortnight for an hour and a few phone calls a week, he's never asked for more and doesn't really make an effort with the time he has, he hasn't excepted what he has done nor seeked any help so I'm unwilling to push any more contact, sorry I'm blabbing on but will say do what's right for you and the kids you deserve happiness in life no matter how it will make him feel, I've come to the conclusion we only get one shot at life and it's totally up to you to choose what's right for you xx keep strong xx
I'm sorry things are so tough starry.
You definitely have the right to put yourself first. It's entirely understandable that you are angry, your life as you knew it has been ripped apart. If you do stay together that is something he has to acknowledge and accept.
I would say that part of that is respecting how you feel and giving you space to process.
Perhaps an open conversation with your husband about how you feel right now and the suggestion that some space may help you process and decide how you feel without resentment intruding on your feelings.
If you feel you need to tread carefully due to his emotional state, you could talk about being overwhelmed rather than angry, and worrying about the impact of this on your children and him, rather than yourself? I think you're well within your rights to be blunt with him but I do understand its not always that easy.
Alternatively, is there anywhere you and the children could stay for a while to give you some space? Even a day or 2 might be beneficial.
I haven't been in your situation but I did have an ex threatening to kill himself after we split. His was an attempt to manipulate rather than genuinely suicidal but I did feel the fear and weight of responsibility for his life at the time.
It's so easy to fall into the trap of taking responsibility for preventing someone who is feeling suicidal from ever taking action but you cannot control someone elses actions.
This applies to the choices he has already made and any choices he makes in the future. The only choices and actions you are responsible for, are on control of are your own. You did not break the law, you did not betray your spouse.
Sending lots of love, I hope things get easier, no matter what you decide x
You definitely have the right to put yourself first. It's entirely understandable that you are angry, your life as you knew it has been ripped apart. If you do stay together that is something he has to acknowledge and accept.
I would say that part of that is respecting how you feel and giving you space to process.
Perhaps an open conversation with your husband about how you feel right now and the suggestion that some space may help you process and decide how you feel without resentment intruding on your feelings.
If you feel you need to tread carefully due to his emotional state, you could talk about being overwhelmed rather than angry, and worrying about the impact of this on your children and him, rather than yourself? I think you're well within your rights to be blunt with him but I do understand its not always that easy.
Alternatively, is there anywhere you and the children could stay for a while to give you some space? Even a day or 2 might be beneficial.
I haven't been in your situation but I did have an ex threatening to kill himself after we split. His was an attempt to manipulate rather than genuinely suicidal but I did feel the fear and weight of responsibility for his life at the time.
It's so easy to fall into the trap of taking responsibility for preventing someone who is feeling suicidal from ever taking action but you cannot control someone elses actions.
This applies to the choices he has already made and any choices he makes in the future. The only choices and actions you are responsible for, are on control of are your own. You did not break the law, you did not betray your spouse.
Sending lots of love, I hope things get easier, no matter what you decide x
Thank you both
x
x
Starry,
Are you on Mumsnet?
Are you on Mumsnet?
No I'm not. I know a lot of you talk on there for support
Ah ok. I was reading you story and was going to reply but someone is reading my messages on here