Family and Friends Forum

My son was arrested in February last year and about 10 days ago had the first Magistrates Court appearance.

Some background: In 2014 we found out he was self-harming, he will have been 15 and in last year of school. We thought it was just exam pressures and the like, spoke to the school and they got him to see their counsellor regularly. We thought he was ok and he went onto college and then we were contacted by one of his friends telling us he was struggling. He had continued to struggle with his mental health and also his sexual identity. He was very conflicted about who he was, not really knowing if he was gay or trans or just scared that something was wrong with him. Again, we sort help and managed to get him some counselling specifically for gender identity. He attended all the sessions they could offer and while he still was unsure of himself, we thought he’s been given the coping mechanisms he needed.

Then the arrest came, he had just turned 21. He opened up to me as much as he could and told me he had previously has some pictures on his phone, but not many and on no other device. He’d used an app to get the images and he told me he had stopped and deleted everything well before his arrest. After the 18 month police investigate this has been confirmed by the charges, 2 cat B and 20 cat C images of a child (girls) anytime between 2016-19.

Since the arrest he has really tried hard, completing the Inform for Young People programme in June last year. He also included me (dad) at the start of each session which couldn’t have been easy for him, this was so I could get a better understanding of what happened and to help us improve our communication.

He came out to us a gay a few months ago and told us he’s had a boyfriend since the start of this year. Again, not an easy thing for him to do.

The first I heard more details was at court prior to going in we had a meeting with the solicitor and he read parts of my son’s statement to the police. He’s quite young and naive for his age, at his arrest the police told him if he cooperated with them no one had to find out so he spoke to them without a solicitor. Anyway, in part of his statement he said he wasn’t even interested in girls like that and I suddenly realised that this is all to do with his mental health and gender identity issues he was going through back then.

Since the first court appearance he has told his boyfriend who is being fully supportive for him. We found out over the weekend that his name was in the paper so yesterday he also told his boss. I was there to help my son, his boss was really shocked and did say if it was anyone else, he would have been over the desk knocking 7 bells out of them. He listened to what has happened, we described the charges in full which wasn’t easy for him being the father of young girls. However, he knows my son, he started working there when he was in college. After a long 45 minutes of talking, I was leaving and turned round to see him hugging my son and telling him if he needs to talk, he will be there for him.

Everyone who really knows him understands he made a terrible mistake but are being supportive to him. But after his name was in the paper and the way the charges were described, he was contacted on Facebook by his “best friend” from school. The abuse he said was awful and he just didn’t want to hear anything my son said. This morning while at work, my son has texted me to say some more of his friends have found out with similar results. I really don’t know what I can say to him other than let him know I’m here for him.

The reason I am posting here is I need support advice. I am so scared his mental health will deteriorate and he will go back to self-harming or worse. I have tried the Stop It Now helpline again but they are too busy to take calls at the moment. Have also tried an NHS helpline, waiting for a call back from them. Who else can I talk to?

Thank you all for your replies, it means a lot to hear people being kind. Not ashamed to admit I had a bit of a cry as I read them.

Removing photos is something I’d not thought about, have mentioned it to him and he did it straight away. Unfortunately, the LFF helpline really is that busy. You get through to the first message and then it says someone will answer but eventually it rings out and cuts you off. Tried a few times yesterday, I’ll try again later in the week.

After I posted yesterday, I did try an NHS helpline and managed to get a call back in the afternoon. They gave me some advice on various things including having an honest chart with him about self-harm or worse. Had that talk last night and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but it did reassure me that he’s not at that point. However, he did open up about feeling very anxious and not wanting to leave the house. I think he’s also contemplating leaving his job because of it which I really don’t want to happen as I think he’ll just spiral then. He wasn’t working today so tried the NHS helpline again so they can give him advise direct but unfortunately they can’t talk to him till Monday.

Gonna take a look at all the support you guys have suggested, we both definitely need it. I did contact the doctor today for me but they can’t see me for over 2 weeks, I guess that is what it is.
Think we just need to get through the next 3 weeks and hopefully court will then be done with and he’ll know where he stands.

Thank you all again, it means so much x