hi
ive tried to post something and it did not work. Trying this to see if it posts.
ive tried to post something and it did not work. Trying this to see if it posts.
I wrote a very long post but I can’t find it now. Can anyone explain how I find my replies to any posts I put up for advice please. Thanks everyone
I am have the same problem too wrote a lengthy post last night and it seems to have failed to post or has disappeared
It’s a bit strange.ill try again tomorrow I think.
I did the same earlier today and can't find it, a bit annoying!!!
Hi, this is my first post. Not sure why now but here goes. My world as I know it changed in 2013 when the police arrived at my door. It was my son who offended, admitted it straight away. Life changed forever, I felt my world crashed in, family fell apart. I found it very stressful & at times didn’t think I could go on & certainly did not feel strong. After going through a lot of emotions over the years, time & hard work has helped our family be more open & closer although I wouldn’t have thought that at the start of all this. So I would just like to pass on some help & hope to all in this situation, just a shortened version of my story
Thanks so much for sharing your (abridged) story with us. It’s so nice to hear that someone has come out “the other side”. Sometimes it feels like there isn’t an other side, so thank you.
You super mum ( you do need to re register with a nicer name) like Jayne said it’s so ni e to have a story of hope and connection. These last years must have taken a tremendous amount of strength. It’s positive to see your family are closer now that’s a big deal, this offence can destroy lives as I am sure your well aware off. It’s nice that you bring hope and an honest perspective
Nice nanna keep trying to post we can read the message. They have changed the forum a bit recently and think they still have some re jigging to do to get it being functional x
Hi to everyone
thank you all for commenting. I thought I’d come on and update what’s happene since I tried to post. Long story but I’ll shorten it.
my adult son was charged with communicating with a 14 year old. My daughter has a toddler child. Two weeks after being charged daughter got a call to say no unsupervised contact. We were fine with that and said that’s what we had planned to do anyway. Nobody from social services came out. It was just a phone call.
fast forward nine months to a month ago when my son was sentenced to a year in prison. Health visitor rang and said she’d have to refer to social services as her brother was due to be sentenced. She refereed it and social services said they did not need to come out. After the sentence my daughter called health visitor to say she wanted to take her son to the prison for a visit once a month. She asked if social services would have an issue with it. Health visitor was not sure and said she’d call and ask.
social services said they’d come out to discuss it in ten days time. This led to ten days of the most terrible terrible stress. I don’t think any of us slept more than an hour a night from worry that the little one would somehow be taken away. We knew we were a good family who look after the little one as we should but it’s amazing what a pending social services visit can do. It turns your whole life upside down.
anyway, social worker came out, went through our sons offence with our daughter which she already knew all about and had a normal chat with her about the little ones safety. My daughter told her about the plans we have for when our son comes home to keep the little one safe. The social worker was amazed at the thought we’d put into things even before she had come out. The result was she said the little one was clearly safe and would not be going on any lists. She also said that they would not be coming out after our son comes home because she could see we have very good plans in place to safeguard the little one. She also advised it was up to my daughter whether she took him to visit her brother in prison or not, telling her he would not be put on any lists if she did.
i cannot tell you the relief we felt when the social worker left. We have had nine long hard stressful months. At times I honestly to god felt I would not come through it. In our case it hit the press with a photo. We were fortunate that we moved within two weeks of charges being made so nobody knew us where we moved to. Had I not moved I don’t think I would be here today.
Nobody knows what it’s like until it happens to you. The terrible thing is that some people think the family are the same as the offender which is not the case. I’ve never done a thing wrong neither has my husband and daughter but we were looked at in our village like we were child abusers. I could not and cannot get my head around that.
Things are still not great but they are much better than they were. We are getting on where we moved to and trying to piece our lives together again.
As far as social services go, we couldn’t have asked for more or better. I don’t know if this is because it was the child’s uncle who commited the offence and not the step dad or not. I can’t really give advice on social services because they literally turned up for half an hour, told my daughter case closed and left.
thank you all for commenting. I thought I’d come on and update what’s happene since I tried to post. Long story but I’ll shorten it.
my adult son was charged with communicating with a 14 year old. My daughter has a toddler child. Two weeks after being charged daughter got a call to say no unsupervised contact. We were fine with that and said that’s what we had planned to do anyway. Nobody from social services came out. It was just a phone call.
fast forward nine months to a month ago when my son was sentenced to a year in prison. Health visitor rang and said she’d have to refer to social services as her brother was due to be sentenced. She refereed it and social services said they did not need to come out. After the sentence my daughter called health visitor to say she wanted to take her son to the prison for a visit once a month. She asked if social services would have an issue with it. Health visitor was not sure and said she’d call and ask.
social services said they’d come out to discuss it in ten days time. This led to ten days of the most terrible terrible stress. I don’t think any of us slept more than an hour a night from worry that the little one would somehow be taken away. We knew we were a good family who look after the little one as we should but it’s amazing what a pending social services visit can do. It turns your whole life upside down.
anyway, social worker came out, went through our sons offence with our daughter which she already knew all about and had a normal chat with her about the little ones safety. My daughter told her about the plans we have for when our son comes home to keep the little one safe. The social worker was amazed at the thought we’d put into things even before she had come out. The result was she said the little one was clearly safe and would not be going on any lists. She also said that they would not be coming out after our son comes home because she could see we have very good plans in place to safeguard the little one. She also advised it was up to my daughter whether she took him to visit her brother in prison or not, telling her he would not be put on any lists if she did.
i cannot tell you the relief we felt when the social worker left. We have had nine long hard stressful months. At times I honestly to god felt I would not come through it. In our case it hit the press with a photo. We were fortunate that we moved within two weeks of charges being made so nobody knew us where we moved to. Had I not moved I don’t think I would be here today.
Nobody knows what it’s like until it happens to you. The terrible thing is that some people think the family are the same as the offender which is not the case. I’ve never done a thing wrong neither has my husband and daughter but we were looked at in our village like we were child abusers. I could not and cannot get my head around that.
Things are still not great but they are much better than they were. We are getting on where we moved to and trying to piece our lives together again.
As far as social services go, we couldn’t have asked for more or better. I don’t know if this is because it was the child’s uncle who commited the offence and not the step dad or not. I can’t really give advice on social services because they literally turned up for half an hour, told my daughter case closed and left.
Nicenana thank you. I’ve read nothing but horror stories about social workers, so hearing someone say that they did their job, did it well and were human about it gives me faith.
I’ve always been so independent - I went out to work as early as I could, I paid my own way through university, I bought a beautiful house and I have a good job, all of which I’ve worked hard for, and the thing that terrifies me is that someone else can make the decision, based on the actions of another individual, that I don’t deserve to have what I’ve worked for. That’s what gives me the most anxiety, I think, so hearing your mention of social services is invaluable. Thank you.
I’ve always been so independent - I went out to work as early as I could, I paid my own way through university, I bought a beautiful house and I have a good job, all of which I’ve worked hard for, and the thing that terrifies me is that someone else can make the decision, based on the actions of another individual, that I don’t deserve to have what I’ve worked for. That’s what gives me the most anxiety, I think, so hearing your mention of social services is invaluable. Thank you.
Hi Jayne
im sorry to hear what your going through. Rest assured there are plenty on here who know exactly how you feel and what your going through including myself. Like you, I have mainly only heard horror stories about social work involvement. Whether that is because it is mainly horror stories or not I’m not sure. it’s possible that some people are so relieved when the social worker leaves that they want to forget about it and forget to post an update. I could understand that to be honest.
I really really hope things work out for you. Especially as you yourself have done nothing wrong. That was the one thing I could not get my head around. We had done not a thing wrong but still we were put under the spotlight.
On the other side I think social workers also have it hard. They have to walk into a house and wonder if they can trust the person in front of them before they leave. If they get it wrong it must be gut wrenching for them. I also believe there are good and bad social workers. Some know just by looking and listening to the person that there are no worries. Others perhaps don’t want to know whether ther person is fine to safeguard or not. I do believer from reading on here and frg that some are nothing short of power hungry.
i am still not sure whether the fact it was the little ones uncle who commited the crime saved us from some of the horror stories or not. All I can say is have a plan ready for them stepping over your door. In our case our daughter told them that she wouldn’t have our son in her house unless there was another adult in her house to supervise while she went to the toilet etc. Our son will be staying with us when he comes home. The social worker was told that while the little one stays with us two nights a week our son would be staying at the little ones mums. I honestly believe that all our plans we put forward helped them to decide to close the case.
I really do hope you get everything sorted out. Do let us know how you get on and keep coming back for advice .x
im sorry to hear what your going through. Rest assured there are plenty on here who know exactly how you feel and what your going through including myself. Like you, I have mainly only heard horror stories about social work involvement. Whether that is because it is mainly horror stories or not I’m not sure. it’s possible that some people are so relieved when the social worker leaves that they want to forget about it and forget to post an update. I could understand that to be honest.
I really really hope things work out for you. Especially as you yourself have done nothing wrong. That was the one thing I could not get my head around. We had done not a thing wrong but still we were put under the spotlight.
On the other side I think social workers also have it hard. They have to walk into a house and wonder if they can trust the person in front of them before they leave. If they get it wrong it must be gut wrenching for them. I also believe there are good and bad social workers. Some know just by looking and listening to the person that there are no worries. Others perhaps don’t want to know whether ther person is fine to safeguard or not. I do believer from reading on here and frg that some are nothing short of power hungry.
i am still not sure whether the fact it was the little ones uncle who commited the crime saved us from some of the horror stories or not. All I can say is have a plan ready for them stepping over your door. In our case our daughter told them that she wouldn’t have our son in her house unless there was another adult in her house to supervise while she went to the toilet etc. Our son will be staying with us when he comes home. The social worker was told that while the little one stays with us two nights a week our son would be staying at the little ones mums. I honestly believe that all our plans we put forward helped them to decide to close the case.
I really do hope you get everything sorted out. Do let us know how you get on and keep coming back for advice .x
Nicenana,
Thanks so much for sharing. We already had a plan outlined to discuss with the SW and we had the meeting this morning. She met with the children's mum last night, and with us this morning. I honestly don't know how SWs do their job - the things they must see would break me beyond repair. She was lovely and seemed human, at least; she seemed to listen to us and I think us having already thought about logistics definitely helped. (I must also add that, having read your post before she arrived this morning, I went into the meeting feeling much more positive, so thank you).
We're waiting to hear back, but fingers crossed she seemed happy with me supervising the contact between my partner and his children when they're at our house, meaning that we'll be able to see them again and we can start to find a new normal. My stepkids have always felt a bit like my shadow anyway, never leaving my side, so hopefully things will just feel the same as before our world fell apart! They need to run their checks on me, understandably, but then hopefully we can make plans to see the children. Right now, this feels like a real positive.
Thanks again and sending everyone positive vibes today.
Xx
Thanks so much for sharing. We already had a plan outlined to discuss with the SW and we had the meeting this morning. She met with the children's mum last night, and with us this morning. I honestly don't know how SWs do their job - the things they must see would break me beyond repair. She was lovely and seemed human, at least; she seemed to listen to us and I think us having already thought about logistics definitely helped. (I must also add that, having read your post before she arrived this morning, I went into the meeting feeling much more positive, so thank you).
We're waiting to hear back, but fingers crossed she seemed happy with me supervising the contact between my partner and his children when they're at our house, meaning that we'll be able to see them again and we can start to find a new normal. My stepkids have always felt a bit like my shadow anyway, never leaving my side, so hopefully things will just feel the same as before our world fell apart! They need to run their checks on me, understandably, but then hopefully we can make plans to see the children. Right now, this feels like a real positive.
Thanks again and sending everyone positive vibes today.
Xx
Tried again to reply. Big long post twice but it does not post. Think there may be an issue with the site. I’ll try tomorrow again
Seems to be long posts that the issue as short ones are getting posted
Hi jayne
that is very good news that you will be allowed to supervise contact. Obviously the social worker has seen you have the kids safety as first and foremost just like every other person who finds themselves in our position.
is your partner allowed to stay overnight when the kids are there. I ask simply because that conversation never came up when the social worker came to see our daughter.
well done you for showing the social worker that your perfectly capable of protecting the children x
that is very good news that you will be allowed to supervise contact. Obviously the social worker has seen you have the kids safety as first and foremost just like every other person who finds themselves in our position.
is your partner allowed to stay overnight when the kids are there. I ask simply because that conversation never came up when the social worker came to see our daughter.
well done you for showing the social worker that your perfectly capable of protecting the children x
Hi Nicenana,
Yes, he's allowed to stay overnight when the children are with us, which is a good thing, particularly as they don't have a clue that anything is any different right now.
In terms of supervision, any advice from anyone would be incredible - I know it's selfish, but I found myself feeling quite claustrophic at times over the weekend. I adore my stepchildren, but it's also scary knowing that, if it all gets too much, I can't disappear to have a little cry, but my partner can! I swear, without exaggeration, that they must have told him 20 times this weekend how much they love him, which broke my heart over and over again. My partner is trying to distance himself, in preparation for losing everything, but I'm trying to cling on and keep some hope. I feel like, if I try to prepare, I'll collapse. Does that make sense?
Yes, he's allowed to stay overnight when the children are with us, which is a good thing, particularly as they don't have a clue that anything is any different right now.
In terms of supervision, any advice from anyone would be incredible - I know it's selfish, but I found myself feeling quite claustrophic at times over the weekend. I adore my stepchildren, but it's also scary knowing that, if it all gets too much, I can't disappear to have a little cry, but my partner can! I swear, without exaggeration, that they must have told him 20 times this weekend how much they love him, which broke my heart over and over again. My partner is trying to distance himself, in preparation for losing everything, but I'm trying to cling on and keep some hope. I feel like, if I try to prepare, I'll collapse. Does that make sense?
Hi Jayne
All of what you say makes perfect sense so don’t worry about that.
Really good news that he can stay overnight. In our case we wonder what happens when our son comes home. I’m not sure if he will be allowed overnight under the same roof as our grandson. We are lucky that if he’s not allowed we will stay the night at our house while we spend the night at hers with our grandson.
As far as advice about supervising goes. I promise you it gets easier with time. We felt just like you for the first month until we got the hang of it. Summer is coming in which can make it easier by being out in the garden, out to park or day trips. Believe it or not it’s a lot easier to supervise contact outside because there’s so much space outside rather in the house. At the park for instance your partner and kids can have some them time while you discreetly watch. In our case we watched from a bench simply because my husband became disabled while all this was happening.
i can totally relate to what you say. The first ,moth we supervised I honestly felt like I would suffocate and that was only having to supervise one two and a half year old. I can imagine it’s worse when there are two older kids to supervise.
We allowed our son to make cakes with grandson while we were sat at the kitchen table. We also positioned our kitchen table so that it overlooked the part of our garden where our grandson played. This made it easy to supervise as per instructed to while also putting a bit of distance between us. Somehow you learn little ways to try and make it easy for you, your partner and the kids. It can never be what it was before but you do learn a new normal. It takes a lot of patience, understanding , planning and time but it honestly does get a whole lot better.
id advise that you be honest with your partner when your feeling suffocated or the like. Perhaps try some different activity when your feeling like that. An activity where you can watch discreetly rather than in your face. I found an hour here or there of doing that helped a lot.
Always remember you did not choose the way of life you have right now. Your partner made a stupid mistake that has effected you all. I’m sure he feels just as you do and would love even just half an hour alone to be a ‘normal’ dad again but sadly thatwont happen for a while from what others have said on this forum.
remember to take a deep breath when it all gets to much and come on here to rant if you have to x
All of what you say makes perfect sense so don’t worry about that.
Really good news that he can stay overnight. In our case we wonder what happens when our son comes home. I’m not sure if he will be allowed overnight under the same roof as our grandson. We are lucky that if he’s not allowed we will stay the night at our house while we spend the night at hers with our grandson.
As far as advice about supervising goes. I promise you it gets easier with time. We felt just like you for the first month until we got the hang of it. Summer is coming in which can make it easier by being out in the garden, out to park or day trips. Believe it or not it’s a lot easier to supervise contact outside because there’s so much space outside rather in the house. At the park for instance your partner and kids can have some them time while you discreetly watch. In our case we watched from a bench simply because my husband became disabled while all this was happening.
i can totally relate to what you say. The first ,moth we supervised I honestly felt like I would suffocate and that was only having to supervise one two and a half year old. I can imagine it’s worse when there are two older kids to supervise.
We allowed our son to make cakes with grandson while we were sat at the kitchen table. We also positioned our kitchen table so that it overlooked the part of our garden where our grandson played. This made it easy to supervise as per instructed to while also putting a bit of distance between us. Somehow you learn little ways to try and make it easy for you, your partner and the kids. It can never be what it was before but you do learn a new normal. It takes a lot of patience, understanding , planning and time but it honestly does get a whole lot better.
id advise that you be honest with your partner when your feeling suffocated or the like. Perhaps try some different activity when your feeling like that. An activity where you can watch discreetly rather than in your face. I found an hour here or there of doing that helped a lot.
Always remember you did not choose the way of life you have right now. Your partner made a stupid mistake that has effected you all. I’m sure he feels just as you do and would love even just half an hour alone to be a ‘normal’ dad again but sadly thatwont happen for a while from what others have said on this forum.
remember to take a deep breath when it all gets to much and come on here to rant if you have to x
Nicenana, thank you for your words - they are so helpful. We've only done one weekend of supervision so far, so I know it's early days and we'll find ways of coping, but you're totally right - I didn't sign up for this! I know he's finding it hard, too - he just wants to be able to put his kids to bed, to watch a movie while I jump in the shower, to play uno while I make tea! I can see his heart breaking and I know we're going to have to find a new normal. The being outside part makes total sense, provided I can persuade him to leave the house - he's utterly paranoid at the moment.
Thanks again - I needed to read this this morning. Xx
Thanks again - I needed to read this this morning. Xx