4 Years Later
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Hi everyone. I want to start off by being up front that I am a man, and was in a homosexual relationship with the offender I am going to talk about. I posted my story on another sight only a couple months after everything happened and was met with minimal engagement and support, and over half the posts had homophobic things said in them. As anyone who has been through this can understand this is not a gay specific issue. Please do not post anything homophobic or that alludes to my ex-partner doing what he did because he is gay. It took me almost 4 years to seek support again in this type of space because of how it went last time.
I was with my partner at the time of discovering his internet browser history, for 2.5 years. We had met at a time when I was just starting to perform and eventually became somewhat known in our local community. We were definitely known as a couple, almost exclusively went out together and eventually ran a monthly nightlife event together as well. He has told me quite early on in our relationship that he found children sexually attractive but reassured me he had never done anything illegal regarding it. I chose to believe him, which looking back on I feel incredibly ashamed and emberased of.
He had a history of deception and cheating in our relationship, so one night when I felt him get out of bed around 2 a.m. and not come back for an hour, I figured he was online chatting with someone and now actually seeing someone long term behind my back. The next morning when he left for work I decided to check his chat history on Facebook, as well as his email and found nothing. I got confused about what he must've been doing so I checked his internet history and found thousands of links on Dropbox to CP that he had viewed. I freaked out, as a couple months beforehand I had opened up to him about how I was sexually, physically and mentally abused by my father for about three years off and on.
It took me three full days to decide what to do but eventually I chose to report him to the police, without telling him I saw anything. I spoke with the police the next two nights in a row, and stayed at a friend's apartment I was conviniently watching who was away at the time. I eventually had to go back and stay at our apartment but made the excuse that a new anti depressant I was on mademe feel weird so I slept on the couch. I started the med hours after I had seen what he was viewing.
This went on for two months, me sleeping on the couch while the police were less and less in contact with me regarding the progression of my report. I was coping horribly and smoking weed on-top of an anti depressant that caused mild psychosis for a period of time. I had told a couple friends since my partner at the time was working some events where children were, so they quickly replaced him. People's reactions were strange to me, no one seemed as shocked, outraged or panicked as me.
After two months of waiting I decided I had enough and on Halloween of 2017 I confronted him about it and asked for as much details as I could. I recorded the entire thing, partially to help the police as it's legal to do this in my country but also for my own reasurance that he couldn't say it never happened later. He moved our shortly after and I felt a small sense of relief but I remember not being able to sleep in our bed for a few nights after he left. It felt dirty to me.
In the coming months I copied horribly. I crashed off my anti depressants near Christmas after I had alerted one of his jobs about what had happened. He worked around kids at this job frequently and he was in a position of power over them where they idolized him. I sent his job the recording and they fired him the next day. While it gave me some sense of peace that he would be out of that space and away from them I still think he will pursue his interests in person one day, if he hasn't already. That's his personality; take what he wants even when he knows he's not to.
Eight months after this all went down I was losing friends closest to me because of my poor coping and lashing out emotionally, so I finally decided to out him publicly for what he did. I posted a status on Facebook that looking back was far too sympathetic to him, asking that people be kind to him since he is "sick." I don't feel this way anymore. I made the mistake of calling him a P, ten days later he sent me papers filing for defamation. It was a scare tactic for me to take the status down, which I did, but the damage was done to both of us as everyone knew at that point and him filing defamation made me feel I was in the wrong. Since then, I have slowly been spiraling worse and worse.
The community here doesn't seem to understand why this was so hard for me. I don't think they understand the level of break this caused in my personality and my heart. I had talked about marrying this person. I no longer perform locally because of how poor my mental health got after all this, and the community I worked in making fun of me and my mental health issues publicly.
I haven't been able to have intercourse with anyone since him. My body feels tainted from him touching me and sexualizing me. My trust in men is less and less each month. I use to want to be a parent more than anything but now I feel unfit to do so because of what he did. I feel disgusted in myself for ever liking, loving and trusting this person. I don't feel anyone will ever be able to understand me and how I work after this.
I am so lonely. I want to be seen, heard and loved so badly but I feel like I can not have that now. I hope someone is out there, who's taken the time to read this who might understand, who might talk to me about this in a way only people who have gone through this can do and understand. I don't know why I cant heal and move on from this, I think about it and him every day. I miss my life and who I was before him.
I was with my partner at the time of discovering his internet browser history, for 2.5 years. We had met at a time when I was just starting to perform and eventually became somewhat known in our local community. We were definitely known as a couple, almost exclusively went out together and eventually ran a monthly nightlife event together as well. He has told me quite early on in our relationship that he found children sexually attractive but reassured me he had never done anything illegal regarding it. I chose to believe him, which looking back on I feel incredibly ashamed and emberased of.
He had a history of deception and cheating in our relationship, so one night when I felt him get out of bed around 2 a.m. and not come back for an hour, I figured he was online chatting with someone and now actually seeing someone long term behind my back. The next morning when he left for work I decided to check his chat history on Facebook, as well as his email and found nothing. I got confused about what he must've been doing so I checked his internet history and found thousands of links on Dropbox to CP that he had viewed. I freaked out, as a couple months beforehand I had opened up to him about how I was sexually, physically and mentally abused by my father for about three years off and on.
It took me three full days to decide what to do but eventually I chose to report him to the police, without telling him I saw anything. I spoke with the police the next two nights in a row, and stayed at a friend's apartment I was conviniently watching who was away at the time. I eventually had to go back and stay at our apartment but made the excuse that a new anti depressant I was on mademe feel weird so I slept on the couch. I started the med hours after I had seen what he was viewing.
This went on for two months, me sleeping on the couch while the police were less and less in contact with me regarding the progression of my report. I was coping horribly and smoking weed on-top of an anti depressant that caused mild psychosis for a period of time. I had told a couple friends since my partner at the time was working some events where children were, so they quickly replaced him. People's reactions were strange to me, no one seemed as shocked, outraged or panicked as me.
After two months of waiting I decided I had enough and on Halloween of 2017 I confronted him about it and asked for as much details as I could. I recorded the entire thing, partially to help the police as it's legal to do this in my country but also for my own reasurance that he couldn't say it never happened later. He moved our shortly after and I felt a small sense of relief but I remember not being able to sleep in our bed for a few nights after he left. It felt dirty to me.
In the coming months I copied horribly. I crashed off my anti depressants near Christmas after I had alerted one of his jobs about what had happened. He worked around kids at this job frequently and he was in a position of power over them where they idolized him. I sent his job the recording and they fired him the next day. While it gave me some sense of peace that he would be out of that space and away from them I still think he will pursue his interests in person one day, if he hasn't already. That's his personality; take what he wants even when he knows he's not to.
Eight months after this all went down I was losing friends closest to me because of my poor coping and lashing out emotionally, so I finally decided to out him publicly for what he did. I posted a status on Facebook that looking back was far too sympathetic to him, asking that people be kind to him since he is "sick." I don't feel this way anymore. I made the mistake of calling him a P, ten days later he sent me papers filing for defamation. It was a scare tactic for me to take the status down, which I did, but the damage was done to both of us as everyone knew at that point and him filing defamation made me feel I was in the wrong. Since then, I have slowly been spiraling worse and worse.
The community here doesn't seem to understand why this was so hard for me. I don't think they understand the level of break this caused in my personality and my heart. I had talked about marrying this person. I no longer perform locally because of how poor my mental health got after all this, and the community I worked in making fun of me and my mental health issues publicly.
I haven't been able to have intercourse with anyone since him. My body feels tainted from him touching me and sexualizing me. My trust in men is less and less each month. I use to want to be a parent more than anything but now I feel unfit to do so because of what he did. I feel disgusted in myself for ever liking, loving and trusting this person. I don't feel anyone will ever be able to understand me and how I work after this.
I am so lonely. I want to be seen, heard and loved so badly but I feel like I can not have that now. I hope someone is out there, who's taken the time to read this who might understand, who might talk to me about this in a way only people who have gone through this can do and understand. I don't know why I cant heal and move on from this, I think about it and him every day. I miss my life and who I was before him.
I think most people on here can relate to that awful feeling if shock and horror about someone they love(d).
I'm afraid I can't really offer you much other than my sympathy and a recommendation that you seek counselling or therapy of some sort to help you move past the trauma of this event.
Calling the helpline may be beneficial for talking to someone non judgemental and also signposting to specialist support services available in your area.
It's such an all consuming and devastating thing to go through and I think everyone here can relate to that.
I'm sorry you've been judged elsewhere, I'm confident you'll find nothing but support here.
Sending love and support x
I'm afraid I can't really offer you much other than my sympathy and a recommendation that you seek counselling or therapy of some sort to help you move past the trauma of this event.
Calling the helpline may be beneficial for talking to someone non judgemental and also signposting to specialist support services available in your area.
It's such an all consuming and devastating thing to go through and I think everyone here can relate to that.
I'm sorry you've been judged elsewhere, I'm confident you'll find nothing but support here.
Sending love and support x
Hello EmptyTime,
It's so brave of you to tell your story and I'm so sorry you haven't received support and you've received negativity from speaking about it before. I personally cannot understand why anyone would connect sexual orientation to this type of offence as it couldn't be a more incorrect assumption. I think you did the most difficult thing by both leaving and reporting your partner but it was definitely the right thing to do and you should be so proud of yourself. Have you spoken to your GP about how you feel? I wish I could hug you through the screen.
xxx
It's so brave of you to tell your story and I'm so sorry you haven't received support and you've received negativity from speaking about it before. I personally cannot understand why anyone would connect sexual orientation to this type of offence as it couldn't be a more incorrect assumption. I think you did the most difficult thing by both leaving and reporting your partner but it was definitely the right thing to do and you should be so proud of yourself. Have you spoken to your GP about how you feel? I wish I could hug you through the screen.
xxx
I also wanted to add that in absolutely no way can you blame yourself for what he did. I don't think a single partner of an offender I've come across on here had any clue that their partner was involved in viewing CP and it certainly has no relevance to you as a person. It's a very complex issue which holds no bearing on the partner at all. Somebody will love you and accept you for exactly who you are. Many people struggle to understand what it is like to be involved with someone either accused or guilty of offences like this which is why many of us carry the burden alone if possible and don't tell anyone but you've got a safe place here and we care deeply about anyone who has been affected in the ways that you have <3
Hi EmptyTime,
I am so sorry to read your story and that you have not been met with appropriate support in the past. I cannot add much anymore to what others have said but wanted you to know that you will always find support on this forum so well done for posting your story and reaching out.
There is no book telling us how to feel, how to react, what to say etc, when we find oursleves in these situations so be proud that you have come this far. It must have been incredibly difficult to report your partner but this was the right thing to do.
There is one thing I want to recommend though and that is the "bloomforwomen" website which explores healing from betrayal- Lee1969 recommended. The courses are free and you can work through them at your own pace. I have not found the confidence to speak with a professional yet but find the resources invaluable for my own wellbeing and mental health. I also appreciate that the resources will be from the view of a woman but I personally feel the material will resonate with anyone experiencing betrayal so I hope this helps.
x
I am so sorry to read your story and that you have not been met with appropriate support in the past. I cannot add much anymore to what others have said but wanted you to know that you will always find support on this forum so well done for posting your story and reaching out.
There is no book telling us how to feel, how to react, what to say etc, when we find oursleves in these situations so be proud that you have come this far. It must have been incredibly difficult to report your partner but this was the right thing to do.
There is one thing I want to recommend though and that is the "bloomforwomen" website which explores healing from betrayal- Lee1969 recommended. The courses are free and you can work through them at your own pace. I have not found the confidence to speak with a professional yet but find the resources invaluable for my own wellbeing and mental health. I also appreciate that the resources will be from the view of a woman but I personally feel the material will resonate with anyone experiencing betrayal so I hope this helps.
x
Hi
As others have said this is a highly stigmatising offence and makes speaking with others very difficult. Social media can exacerbate the situation so many of us stay away from that. But a CBT course might help you with day to day coping strategies whilst a person centred counsellor could help you reflect on what has happened and find a more positive way forward. Your GP might be able to refer you for both these or you might want to shop around for an accredited counsellor in your area.
Although you have acted with the very best of intentions it has come at great cost to you. I would therefore suggest you try to separate yourself from what your ex partner has done or might do and focus on your own recovery. Letting the feeling of responsibility go is difficult but you have to now put yourself first.
Sending best wishes.
As others have said this is a highly stigmatising offence and makes speaking with others very difficult. Social media can exacerbate the situation so many of us stay away from that. But a CBT course might help you with day to day coping strategies whilst a person centred counsellor could help you reflect on what has happened and find a more positive way forward. Your GP might be able to refer you for both these or you might want to shop around for an accredited counsellor in your area.
Although you have acted with the very best of intentions it has come at great cost to you. I would therefore suggest you try to separate yourself from what your ex partner has done or might do and focus on your own recovery. Letting the feeling of responsibility go is difficult but you have to now put yourself first.
Sending best wishes.
Just wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone and it's a world none of us have expected to find ourselves in.
For a moment I thought I was reading my own personal story when you gave your background. I'm a gay man too and I also found another forum making judgements and homophobic comments - I've not that found that here at all - and although I post very little, I take comfort from reading everyone else's comments and updates. I only found out a few months ago (although the knock was a year ago) which means the plea hearing next week has come round while I'm still trying to process everything. I have my one-to-one tomorrow for doing the luncy faithful course as well.
You're not alone and I hope that you find the same amount of comfort and support from this forum as I have. We may not know each other personally but there's a whole network here of love and support waiting for you. I was anxious about being a man on this forum but it's proven to be irrelevant as we are all going on similar journeys.
For a moment I thought I was reading my own personal story when you gave your background. I'm a gay man too and I also found another forum making judgements and homophobic comments - I've not that found that here at all - and although I post very little, I take comfort from reading everyone else's comments and updates. I only found out a few months ago (although the knock was a year ago) which means the plea hearing next week has come round while I'm still trying to process everything. I have my one-to-one tomorrow for doing the luncy faithful course as well.
You're not alone and I hope that you find the same amount of comfort and support from this forum as I have. We may not know each other personally but there's a whole network here of love and support waiting for you. I was anxious about being a man on this forum but it's proven to be irrelevant as we are all going on similar journeys.
Thank you so much everyone for your replies of support, suggestions and hope. I've come back here a couple times to read all the replies but was struggling to reply. It's still such a hard thing to discuss even among people who understand. I've read everyone's replies and to those with suggestions I'm definitely looking into them. Unfortunately money is a bit of a barrier when it comes to things like CBT and such, but maybe I'll be able to down the road.
I was thinking about this space today, I woke up seeing a different ex on Instagram post about being on a date and am spiraling a bit; how come I can't have that with someone. I said it above I'm sure but it's especially present on days like today where I feel so lonely for romantic companionship and love. It's hard to get outve bed and do the things I need to today.
I was thinking about this space today, I woke up seeing a different ex on Instagram post about being on a date and am spiraling a bit; how come I can't have that with someone. I said it above I'm sure but it's especially present on days like today where I feel so lonely for romantic companionship and love. It's hard to get outve bed and do the things I need to today.
I'm sorry you were having a tough day yesterday, empty time.
I hope today is a little better for you.
You can get referred for CBT or talking therapy for free through your GP but unfortunately the waiting lists are very long.
I empathise a lot with feeling unable to carry on and that no support is available.
It's an awful way to feel, I know its exceptionally hard and my words may be of little help.
All I can say is keep going. You may have to wait for help but it is there and you are entitled to it and deserving of it. Things will get better xx
I hope today is a little better for you.
You can get referred for CBT or talking therapy for free through your GP but unfortunately the waiting lists are very long.
I empathise a lot with feeling unable to carry on and that no support is available.
It's an awful way to feel, I know its exceptionally hard and my words may be of little help.
All I can say is keep going. You may have to wait for help but it is there and you are entitled to it and deserving of it. Things will get better xx
It's so easy to look at others through the rose tinted lens of social media and feel as though you're missing what they have but it isn't always as it appears. Love will find you when you least expect it as corny as it sounds, it's true! Focus on yourself and building yourself back up and you'll attract who is meant for you. There's a lot of positivity accounts on the app which rhymes with Click Clock (don't know if I'm allowed to cite it lol) which you may find helpful until you can access some CBT. Take time to indulge in things you enjoy and try to learn to enjoy your own company, it can be done!
You can get through this!
You will find love!
You are amazing and strong!
You can get through this!
You will find love!
You are amazing and strong!