I am taking on his guilt...
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Hi,
I don’t really know where to start. My partner has just told me that, prior to meeting me 4 years ago, he was arrested for accessing indecent images of teenage girls and is now a registered sex offender.
I am struggling because I can’t reconcile what he’s done in the past with the person he is now. I’m in shock. I realise this is part of denial as a coping mechanism, but I just can’t believe the person I know and love would do this (as I’m sure everyone else feels).
The other reason I am struggling is because, a couple of years ago, I used to work for a charity that supported victims of sexual abuse. I have seen the affects this has on the victims and how devastating it can be.
I feel like by even considering trying to move forward with him makes me a hypocrite, makes me feel like I am abandoning my morals and that I am almost as guilty as he is.
Part of the work we supported at the charity was rehabilitation and therapy for offenders. He has been through all of that, is disgusted and remorseful of his behaviour and I believe him. I also believe that, with proper rehabilitation, offenders can go on to live good lives. On a personal level, though, I think this can only be true if nothing physical ever took place, because for me that crosses a line.
Basically, I am fighting a battle between my morals and my heart and I have no idea what to do and I can’t speak to anyone I know because of my previous charity work - they would judge me very harshly, probably moreso than him.
Any responses would be appreciated. I apologise if I am not exactly coherent - I found this out yesterday and I am not coping well.
I don’t really know where to start. My partner has just told me that, prior to meeting me 4 years ago, he was arrested for accessing indecent images of teenage girls and is now a registered sex offender.
I am struggling because I can’t reconcile what he’s done in the past with the person he is now. I’m in shock. I realise this is part of denial as a coping mechanism, but I just can’t believe the person I know and love would do this (as I’m sure everyone else feels).
The other reason I am struggling is because, a couple of years ago, I used to work for a charity that supported victims of sexual abuse. I have seen the affects this has on the victims and how devastating it can be.
I feel like by even considering trying to move forward with him makes me a hypocrite, makes me feel like I am abandoning my morals and that I am almost as guilty as he is.
Part of the work we supported at the charity was rehabilitation and therapy for offenders. He has been through all of that, is disgusted and remorseful of his behaviour and I believe him. I also believe that, with proper rehabilitation, offenders can go on to live good lives. On a personal level, though, I think this can only be true if nothing physical ever took place, because for me that crosses a line.
Basically, I am fighting a battle between my morals and my heart and I have no idea what to do and I can’t speak to anyone I know because of my previous charity work - they would judge me very harshly, probably moreso than him.
Any responses would be appreciated. I apologise if I am not exactly coherent - I found this out yesterday and I am not coping well.
Hi - you must be in shock. It is a feeling you will see a lot on this forum. What is also said a lot is not to make big decisions when you are in this state. Only you can decide what to do. Some people stay with their partners and some don’t. But I think I am right in saying that on this forum we all respect each other’s choices. We all have our lines which we don’t want to cross and they are all individual to us. Some of us can see what brought our partners to a place where they accessed indecent images - for some it is drugs, others drink and then for some it is pornography. I think what we all have in common is that we don’t think our partners were in a ‘good’ place when then did whatever they did.
if you feel you need to know the details then you could ask for the judges summing up.
My partner hasn’t been charged yet, it I am sticking by him. It is possible I believe. But for others the journey isn’t worth it. Take your time. X
if you feel you need to know the details then you could ask for the judges summing up.
My partner hasn’t been charged yet, it I am sticking by him. It is possible I believe. But for others the journey isn’t worth it. Take your time. X
My husband was charged after we had been together for over 10 years so I cant comment on what it is like to start a new relationship with an offender. What I can do is say you are not a hypocrite if you decide to continue with the relationship. I work within a charity sector that focuses on womans right, sex trafficking and such like. My husband has paid the price for his actions. He's served his time, understands the harm that is caused. He has done some terrible things but is still a good person, much like a horrible person can do something good but still be awful.
In the end this is your choice, know there are many wives, partners, husbands, parents and children of offenders. You wont be alone.
In the end this is your choice, know there are many wives, partners, husbands, parents and children of offenders. You wont be alone.
Hi isolated86
Please listen to big sigh, she is taking a lot of sense.
You're struggling with your head and heart at the moment, no one can make this decision for you unfortunately, only you can do that and I would echo, don't make a rash decision but go with your gut, it's usually right.
I felt I couldn't stay with my husband, he was different in as much as he's been doing it for over 15 years, appears to be addicted to pornography and the children with absolutely no recognition of what he's done and no remorse - that is what I couldn't live with!
Read some of the posts, it may help you
We're all in this together, stay strong xx
Please listen to big sigh, she is taking a lot of sense.
You're struggling with your head and heart at the moment, no one can make this decision for you unfortunately, only you can do that and I would echo, don't make a rash decision but go with your gut, it's usually right.
I felt I couldn't stay with my husband, he was different in as much as he's been doing it for over 15 years, appears to be addicted to pornography and the children with absolutely no recognition of what he's done and no remorse - that is what I couldn't live with!
Read some of the posts, it may help you
We're all in this together, stay strong xx