I’m the one feeling guilty
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Good evening ladies.
My husband is Rui for iioc and has been for the last 9 months since the knock.
I have let him stay at home as we have 2 young chikdren.
He is working hard to help himself, has been seeing a stop so therapist And has done the Lucy faithful modules.
I know his therapist is telling him to try and make his marriage work and help me out where he can etc...... the problem is, I can't bear to look at him, I don't want to speak to him and make small talk. I am devastated by all that has happened and the rules and regulations that will be placed on my life also once he is charged due to SHPO and SOR. None of this is my fault and I will not be punished for his actions. But now I am the one that is left feeling guilty for not being able to forgive him or cut him any slack.
I feel like the enormity of this has been played down and I am the one catastrophising this but honestly my world has fallen apart.
I am left feeling so so guilty that I do not want to be the supportive wife
My husband is Rui for iioc and has been for the last 9 months since the knock.
I have let him stay at home as we have 2 young chikdren.
He is working hard to help himself, has been seeing a stop so therapist And has done the Lucy faithful modules.
I know his therapist is telling him to try and make his marriage work and help me out where he can etc...... the problem is, I can't bear to look at him, I don't want to speak to him and make small talk. I am devastated by all that has happened and the rules and regulations that will be placed on my life also once he is charged due to SHPO and SOR. None of this is my fault and I will not be punished for his actions. But now I am the one that is left feeling guilty for not being able to forgive him or cut him any slack.
I feel like the enormity of this has been played down and I am the one catastrophising this but honestly my world has fallen apart.
I am left feeling so so guilty that I do not want to be the supportive wife
Starry I really feel for you. I seperated from my husband the day of the knock for fear of ending up feeling trapped and angry which I knew would destroy both of us. Despite efforts to stay on good terms (we also have young children) he has become so angry with me over the last few months. He feels abandoned by me and furious that I 'left' him - though the way I see it is that he turned out to be incompatible with our marriage.
There is no easy way forward in this situation. Seemingly we lose whatever we do - or at least in some eyes. I'm choosing at the moment, after another really dark month, to accept a bit more that I can't control how he feels towards me. But through trying to make decisions that are best for the children and best for me then hopefully one day he'll see that was the only decision to make. And if he doesn't then I can't control if he stays angry or bitter, though I hope so much that he finds a way through that.
I couldn't have done what you are doing. I'm not judging I'm just reflecting on myself. I'm rubbish at hiding emotions and would have spent way too much time in such an angry place. If it is what you choose to do for you then you will get through this. You'll make it work. I guess if you are only doing it for him then in the long run that's going to be really tough.
It's so hard being a single parent. Going into it thinking it would be a two person job and then having that turned upside down is really hard. But I hope looking back I feel like I made the right decision - I sort of feel like it was the only decision for me.
A rambling post but the main thing would just be that I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best xx
There is no easy way forward in this situation. Seemingly we lose whatever we do - or at least in some eyes. I'm choosing at the moment, after another really dark month, to accept a bit more that I can't control how he feels towards me. But through trying to make decisions that are best for the children and best for me then hopefully one day he'll see that was the only decision to make. And if he doesn't then I can't control if he stays angry or bitter, though I hope so much that he finds a way through that.
I couldn't have done what you are doing. I'm not judging I'm just reflecting on myself. I'm rubbish at hiding emotions and would have spent way too much time in such an angry place. If it is what you choose to do for you then you will get through this. You'll make it work. I guess if you are only doing it for him then in the long run that's going to be really tough.
It's so hard being a single parent. Going into it thinking it would be a two person job and then having that turned upside down is really hard. But I hope looking back I feel like I made the right decision - I sort of feel like it was the only decision for me.
A rambling post but the main thing would just be that I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best xx
Cloud thank you I really appreciate your reply.
I am staying for the sake of the children but I don't know how much longer I can do it for. I am really angry inside and feel like I will never be able to live my life again.
I feel like the only person that can be responsible for making me happy is me and I have to think of myself but I can see in the last few days he is getting annoyed with me avoiding him at home and being quite distance. I don't feel like he has this right.
it's really worries me making the break as I would like us to try and be adults about it and share the childcare (if he is allowed) but I am not sure this would be the case.
anyway thank you again
x
I am staying for the sake of the children but I don't know how much longer I can do it for. I am really angry inside and feel like I will never be able to live my life again.
I feel like the only person that can be responsible for making me happy is me and I have to think of myself but I can see in the last few days he is getting annoyed with me avoiding him at home and being quite distance. I don't feel like he has this right.
it's really worries me making the break as I would like us to try and be adults about it and share the childcare (if he is allowed) but I am not sure this would be the case.
anyway thank you again
x
Hey starry.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty for. You have done nothing wrong. You are not catastrophising. You have been put into a highly stressful, awkward, uncertain and upsetting situation through no fault whatsoever of your own. If anyone plays this down, they are gaslighting you. You have every right to feel upset, if that is how you feel. Your feelings are your feelings - and they are valid!
The supportive wife thing - I get that - but it doesn't mean you can't have boundaries. You are allowed to decide what is and isn't acceptable to you, from anyone in your life - kids, spouse, friends... It's your life, your choices, and anyone in your life should respect your boundaries (it's taken a lot of therapy for me to appreciate this concept and actually put it into action!)
Whatever you do, put yourself and the children first. Always. You didn't ask for this situation and you need to find a way through it that works for YOU, whatever that looks like.
Are you able to access counselling to help you to work through all of this?
Don't be afraid to set boundaries... you should never be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home!
Take care, it's really not easy, and if you can find someone objective to talk this through with, i think that could really help you.
It will all be ok, it really will. Just please put yourself first, and decide what you need next. That will look different for everyone, which is why speaking to a non-judgemental professional would really help (maybe the stop it now helpline can signpost you, or help you to work through things?) xx
You have NOTHING to feel guilty for. You have done nothing wrong. You are not catastrophising. You have been put into a highly stressful, awkward, uncertain and upsetting situation through no fault whatsoever of your own. If anyone plays this down, they are gaslighting you. You have every right to feel upset, if that is how you feel. Your feelings are your feelings - and they are valid!
The supportive wife thing - I get that - but it doesn't mean you can't have boundaries. You are allowed to decide what is and isn't acceptable to you, from anyone in your life - kids, spouse, friends... It's your life, your choices, and anyone in your life should respect your boundaries (it's taken a lot of therapy for me to appreciate this concept and actually put it into action!)
Whatever you do, put yourself and the children first. Always. You didn't ask for this situation and you need to find a way through it that works for YOU, whatever that looks like.
Are you able to access counselling to help you to work through all of this?
Don't be afraid to set boundaries... you should never be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home!
Take care, it's really not easy, and if you can find someone objective to talk this through with, i think that could really help you.
It will all be ok, it really will. Just please put yourself first, and decide what you need next. That will look different for everyone, which is why speaking to a non-judgemental professional would really help (maybe the stop it now helpline can signpost you, or help you to work through things?) xx
Thank you so much yellow house
Starry you found just like how I feel! Oh not been living at home but see him every day with the children. He has shown nothing but remorse and has been doing lots of work on himself (there were mental health issues and drug misuse) at the beginning I was just worrying about him and the children and thought I could live with it but something happened a few weeks ago and I realised I wasn't dealing with my feelings at all. I am so hurt/ betrayed/ angry and honestly don't know if I can feel the same way as before, not to mention the potential restrictions on our life in the future.
I am waiting until after sentencing to make any decisions, I know I can't stay just for the children but the thought of breaking their hearts kills me!
Hope you are ok and things work out for you whatever that might be! X
I am waiting until after sentencing to make any decisions, I know I can't stay just for the children but the thought of breaking their hearts kills me!
Hope you are ok and things work out for you whatever that might be! X
I can totally relate to the emotions being discussed on this thread. This week my divorce came through. I had been married for close to 40 years and feel I have failed because I can't get past his offending behaviour. I really wanted to and at the outset I felt that as a couple we would have the strength to get through anything together.
But after 6 months I gave up and after 15 months I told him I wanted a divorce. Too much was being left unsaid and I have never felt he had faced up to the seriousness of what he had done. This lack of engagement on his part really offended me. I believe he owed me at the very minimum a proper explanation. To be blunt, his company no longer made me happy. I just saw a secretive man I could no longer trust.
But this sense of failure just won't go away!! On the other hand he thinks 'I have got what I want' but what I really wanted was my old life back but that had been smashed to pieces by his actions.
Why do us women always blame ourselves? Is it down to nature or nurture?
But after 6 months I gave up and after 15 months I told him I wanted a divorce. Too much was being left unsaid and I have never felt he had faced up to the seriousness of what he had done. This lack of engagement on his part really offended me. I believe he owed me at the very minimum a proper explanation. To be blunt, his company no longer made me happy. I just saw a secretive man I could no longer trust.
But this sense of failure just won't go away!! On the other hand he thinks 'I have got what I want' but what I really wanted was my old life back but that had been smashed to pieces by his actions.
Why do us women always blame ourselves? Is it down to nature or nurture?
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30 years married
We split the day of the knock. Kids have had zoom but no face to face for lots of reasons
They have coped amazingly. They do miss him when they are tired and sad but for us there was no way we could live together. That is also got lots of reasons. But kids are much more better at coping than we give credit for.
Whatever choices us girls make has to be right for us. That will then keep us strong to cope with the aftermath and the mess they leave behind. A path none of us wanted x
We split the day of the knock. Kids have had zoom but no face to face for lots of reasons
They have coped amazingly. They do miss him when they are tired and sad but for us there was no way we could live together. That is also got lots of reasons. But kids are much more better at coping than we give credit for.
Whatever choices us girls make has to be right for us. That will then keep us strong to cope with the aftermath and the mess they leave behind. A path none of us wanted x