Don't know what to do
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On Saturday, my husband - and best friend - of 17 years was arrested. The police only came because one indecent image was uploaded from our pc alerted them; unfortunately this opened a can of worms because he had to admit, since they were taking the computer anyway, that there are folders containing possibly 1000's of images. And he had uploaded some too.
He has been released under investigation, they said it could be up to nine months. We have talked long and repeatedly about it, and he's explained that while he has no interest in those images, he downloaded/ uploaded them among 1000s of other normal images on a porn site he has managed (using paid click links) After his mam passed last year, he became more recluse than ever - he was always a homebody - and lost sight of what he was doing and consequences of the images involved.
I can't condone what he's done - it was enormously stupid - and I'm torn between still loving him dearly, it hurts me to see him so distressed, and furious at what his behaviour has forced me to go through, and what it will mean for our future. I think he looking at several years.
On Monday, he tried to kill himself twice. He's had help and seems level now, but there's no guarantee that another stress won't push him to the edge again .
I'm still here now, and want to support him but I'm scared of what the future holds. I can't move out; the mortgage is my name and I'm the only breadwinner (he was made redundant some time ago), his dad wants as little as possible to do with him. I would like very much to move on and pretend it didn't happen, but don't know how to do that while I'm his only support and I still feel for him? I'm lost.
Has anyone else been here and survived? How do cope with the limbo in front of you, and get through daily life? Need to know it can be done, that others have survived this hell too.
He has been released under investigation, they said it could be up to nine months. We have talked long and repeatedly about it, and he's explained that while he has no interest in those images, he downloaded/ uploaded them among 1000s of other normal images on a porn site he has managed (using paid click links) After his mam passed last year, he became more recluse than ever - he was always a homebody - and lost sight of what he was doing and consequences of the images involved.
I can't condone what he's done - it was enormously stupid - and I'm torn between still loving him dearly, it hurts me to see him so distressed, and furious at what his behaviour has forced me to go through, and what it will mean for our future. I think he looking at several years.
On Monday, he tried to kill himself twice. He's had help and seems level now, but there's no guarantee that another stress won't push him to the edge again .
I'm still here now, and want to support him but I'm scared of what the future holds. I can't move out; the mortgage is my name and I'm the only breadwinner (he was made redundant some time ago), his dad wants as little as possible to do with him. I would like very much to move on and pretend it didn't happen, but don't know how to do that while I'm his only support and I still feel for him? I'm lost.
Has anyone else been here and survived? How do cope with the limbo in front of you, and get through daily life? Need to know it can be done, that others have survived this hell too.
Hi kls
Unfortunately all of us on this forum have been/going through it. As horrible as it sounds, you will get through it because there is no alternative.
What your are feeling is really normal, this man who you love and thought you knew has now turned into someone you don't know.
Don't try to make too many big decisions in the first few days, you will be in shock and probably not in the right side to make informed choices.
Please try and take some time for yourself, don't lose sight that your also need support and while I'm sure your husband is in a terrible way, you can't feel guilty about that, he had a choice about what he did, you haven't.
There are many people on here who have split with their partners and many who have stayed, it doesn't matter what your decide you will find only non judgemental support on here. There is no right or wrong choice, it's very individual.
Please look after yourself xx
Unfortunately all of us on this forum have been/going through it. As horrible as it sounds, you will get through it because there is no alternative.
What your are feeling is really normal, this man who you love and thought you knew has now turned into someone you don't know.
Don't try to make too many big decisions in the first few days, you will be in shock and probably not in the right side to make informed choices.
Please try and take some time for yourself, don't lose sight that your also need support and while I'm sure your husband is in a terrible way, you can't feel guilty about that, he had a choice about what he did, you haven't.
There are many people on here who have split with their partners and many who have stayed, it doesn't matter what your decide you will find only non judgemental support on here. There is no right or wrong choice, it's very individual.
Please look after yourself xx
Thank you tracey. Sometimes I want to stick by him, after all we've shared together, and sometimes I get a fear and want to run away and bury my head. I've been offered counseling, which I am taking, and might reduce hours at work; I enjoy the normality it brings, but is so exhausting these days! I was about to register for an OU course but that's difficult without a computer!! Might have to join the library again... My counselor said its all about self care.
It's good to find somewhere with others in the same boat; I think as partners we're very much forgotten in the scheme of things.
It's good to find somewhere with others in the same boat; I think as partners we're very much forgotten in the scheme of things.
Kls
welcome to the forum, I find this my safe space through my journey. I received the knock in December. My husband was too my best friend. I really valued my relationship I was happy.
i care for him still but the betrayal has been huge, we have separated. This was forced as we have a young child. This separation has given me some head space.
The recovery from this offence is going to take my husband a long time. He is slowly admitting that he looked at these images and has an issue with porn addiction. But at this moment I still can’t make sense. I do need my own time to process everything.
tracey is right there is no judgment what ever you choose but don’t feel rushed. My husband was very suicidal in first month. He has been stabilised with medication.
I do t know what the future will look like. I don’t see me resuming a sexual relationship but I do see us working together for the sake of our daughter and I am not going to demonise him, he has a problem and I hope he works on it.
So all I can say is your not alone take your time and be kind to yourself xxx
the sad thing is that people are being arrested daily for this offence, and the impact on families is huge, I am so sorry that this happened to you. It’s not going to be easy but you can get through it, we all can xxx
welcome to the forum, I find this my safe space through my journey. I received the knock in December. My husband was too my best friend. I really valued my relationship I was happy.
i care for him still but the betrayal has been huge, we have separated. This was forced as we have a young child. This separation has given me some head space.
The recovery from this offence is going to take my husband a long time. He is slowly admitting that he looked at these images and has an issue with porn addiction. But at this moment I still can’t make sense. I do need my own time to process everything.
tracey is right there is no judgment what ever you choose but don’t feel rushed. My husband was very suicidal in first month. He has been stabilised with medication.
I do t know what the future will look like. I don’t see me resuming a sexual relationship but I do see us working together for the sake of our daughter and I am not going to demonise him, he has a problem and I hope he works on it.
So all I can say is your not alone take your time and be kind to yourself xxx
the sad thing is that people are being arrested daily for this offence, and the impact on families is huge, I am so sorry that this happened to you. It’s not going to be easy but you can get through it, we all can xxx
Hello KLS
I am so sorry this has happened this you. You will find comfort and support on this forum, from women who are or have been in the same situation.
Everyone is right. You are probably still in shock and now is not the time to make big decisions. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
I don’t know if anyone else feels the same but I’ve realised what I’m going through is like grieving for someone who has died and you only find out after they’ve died that they had been living a double life. I’m grieving for the loss of the past I thought I had and for the future I was looking forward to. Plus I’m reeling from the shock of finding out the man I love has lied and deceived me for years. And this is made worse by the shame and stigma that surrounds sexual offending.
I’m now 3.5 weeks on from the knock, which was the second time it has happened. The last time, eight years ago, he received a caution, was put on the sex offenders’ register for two years and we both completed the Lucy Faithfull courses. I forgave him and worked hard to rebuild trust. Unfortunately, when he was under a lot of stress last year, he went back to his addiction to online chat rooms; on one he got into conversations about children and images were shared.
I love him dearly, and we were very happy together. I want it to go away and pretend it hasn’t happened. But it has, and dealing with the fallout of his selfish behaviour is now my reality. For me, that means separating and getting a financial agreement as soon as I can in case his case is processed quickly and he loses his job or, worse still, goes to prison.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with what you’re facing, only to take things one day at a time and be kind to yourself. It’s the only way I’ve got through the last few weeks
Take care. You will get through this.
J x
I am so sorry this has happened this you. You will find comfort and support on this forum, from women who are or have been in the same situation.
Everyone is right. You are probably still in shock and now is not the time to make big decisions. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
I don’t know if anyone else feels the same but I’ve realised what I’m going through is like grieving for someone who has died and you only find out after they’ve died that they had been living a double life. I’m grieving for the loss of the past I thought I had and for the future I was looking forward to. Plus I’m reeling from the shock of finding out the man I love has lied and deceived me for years. And this is made worse by the shame and stigma that surrounds sexual offending.
I’m now 3.5 weeks on from the knock, which was the second time it has happened. The last time, eight years ago, he received a caution, was put on the sex offenders’ register for two years and we both completed the Lucy Faithfull courses. I forgave him and worked hard to rebuild trust. Unfortunately, when he was under a lot of stress last year, he went back to his addiction to online chat rooms; on one he got into conversations about children and images were shared.
I love him dearly, and we were very happy together. I want it to go away and pretend it hasn’t happened. But it has, and dealing with the fallout of his selfish behaviour is now my reality. For me, that means separating and getting a financial agreement as soon as I can in case his case is processed quickly and he loses his job or, worse still, goes to prison.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with what you’re facing, only to take things one day at a time and be kind to yourself. It’s the only way I’ve got through the last few weeks
Take care. You will get through this.
J x
Hi
im in similar position but it’s my nephew who’s commited a communication offence. I was looking for some advice but the post did not get put up after writing it out.
In my case my nephew is like a son to me. I cannot begin to describe how the whole thing feels. It’s honestly like a death in the family even although this all started nearly a year ago. It’s as raw now as the day he was arrested. In fact, it’s more raw because he is now serving a prison sentence.
back when he was first arrested his sister got a call from social services to say no unsupervised contact with her three year old son. It was verbal and we were not asked to sign anything. Fast forward to her brother being sent to prison. Health visitor came for a visit to see if she needed any support because he’d been sent to prison.
Long story short she said she had plenty support from her family but thanked her. She also told health visitor she wanted to take her son once a month to visit her brother in prison and asked if social services would have an issue with that. Health visitor said she was not sure but would find out.
One week later she called to say that her and a social worker would come out to discuss it which my niece has no problem with.
I read online that they cannot stop her taking him in to visit simply because it’s a hevily supervised room your in while visiting but I don’t know if that’s true or not. We are also wondering what will happen when my nephew is released. Will he be allowed supervised contact. I see fathers are getting supervised contact most of the time but will it be the same for uncles. He is on sex offender register for seven years.My niece and her brother do not and have not and will not live in the same house when he comes home..
i would really appreciate advice from anyone as well as anyone in my particular position. Thanks for reading my post.
im in similar position but it’s my nephew who’s commited a communication offence. I was looking for some advice but the post did not get put up after writing it out.
In my case my nephew is like a son to me. I cannot begin to describe how the whole thing feels. It’s honestly like a death in the family even although this all started nearly a year ago. It’s as raw now as the day he was arrested. In fact, it’s more raw because he is now serving a prison sentence.
back when he was first arrested his sister got a call from social services to say no unsupervised contact with her three year old son. It was verbal and we were not asked to sign anything. Fast forward to her brother being sent to prison. Health visitor came for a visit to see if she needed any support because he’d been sent to prison.
Long story short she said she had plenty support from her family but thanked her. She also told health visitor she wanted to take her son once a month to visit her brother in prison and asked if social services would have an issue with that. Health visitor said she was not sure but would find out.
One week later she called to say that her and a social worker would come out to discuss it which my niece has no problem with.
I read online that they cannot stop her taking him in to visit simply because it’s a hevily supervised room your in while visiting but I don’t know if that’s true or not. We are also wondering what will happen when my nephew is released. Will he be allowed supervised contact. I see fathers are getting supervised contact most of the time but will it be the same for uncles. He is on sex offender register for seven years.My niece and her brother do not and have not and will not live in the same house when he comes home..
i would really appreciate advice from anyone as well as anyone in my particular position. Thanks for reading my post.
You're right Josephine, it is like grieving. Today is a week since this began, and the more time goes over, the more I feel I've lost him. I still want to be there for him but the reality of what he did sinks in it gets harder. I've come out shopping today, because I need to be out of the house and doing something as a distraction. I think he knows that and he hugged me as I left, I nearly broke down there and then it's the first time in a week he's held me! But until I know how I feel, I eant to keep a distance though I know it'll break his heart and mine; i can't pretend that everything ok, much as I'd like to and want it to be, because it's not.
KLS, I'm 4 years post knock . You can get through this I promise! I still love my husband, I'm still with him. I don't condone his behaviour but I have grown to accept he made terrible choices.
My tips are first phone the helpline. Also your husband should phone it too. My husband too was suicidal so I instantly phoned the dr. Its very common as there seems there is no way out of this mess. There is, suicide is never an answer. There is help out there.
My tips are first phone the helpline. Also your husband should phone it too. My husband too was suicidal so I instantly phoned the dr. Its very common as there seems there is no way out of this mess. There is, suicide is never an answer. There is help out there.
It's definitely all swings and roundabouts. When I came home, I went straight upstairs and shut myself away in my study for an hour more with a book. Then when I next went downstairs, we were able to chat qhite normally about l some TV docu he was watching. That felt good, if odd,but moments of normality are whats keeping me sane(-ish). Thank you all for listening to my raving and mood swings. We'll all make it if places like this continue for moral and mental support!!