Family and Friends Forum

I'm only a few weeks into this myself and other people on here have excellent advice to give. What I would say is give them time. It will be a huge shock to them and they haven't had any time to process things. The whole thing has such a stigma to it. People not affected by it just see a paedophile. When you see stuff on Facebook there doesn't appear to be much difference in attitudes whether it is downloading on a computer or having been directly involved in abuse. Give them time and take one day at a time. Sending love x

This is very hard for you Lilly and all you did was try your best for everyone. How old are your children?

My grown up children turned on me when I supported my husband (they’re not his children) and now I can’t see grandchildren either. It’s the most awful choice that no-one wants to make but I didn’t make it a choice; they all did (I include my husband by his actions). I found myself wanting to forgive my husband because he’s a good person and we’ve been together for decades. To start with I let others dictate my feelings and actions, but then they all got on with their lives leaving me to wonder why I’m not allowed to choose the person I want to try and rebuild with. Finally I took the difficult step of thinking about what I wanted, who I wanted to spend my future with, and I chose to forgive because I know my husband is truly remorseful. I have very little support and it’s a lonely choice, but I know that our relationship is worth a second chance to recover from this and we are rebuilding. It breaks my heart that the children have been so judgemental and unforgiving, but ultimately that is their choice and I have to step back and respect that. They’ve now had time to process and remain hostile, but this might not be the same for you as they haven’t had time to process, and I don’t know whether you’re talking about dependent younger children.

Just be aware that whatever you choose to do, someone will find it to be the wrong, the unpalatable thing, but you have to be allowed to make your own choice. It’s your future too, and I find it hard that forgiving can be considered a crime in some people’s eyes. Don’t we all deserve a second chance if there is true remorse and a complete willingness to change? Give yourself some space if possible and try to be kind to yourself. If you want to continue loving and receiving love from your husband ultimately that should be up to you. We perhaps didn’t envisage this in the “for better or worse” part of the vows, but I refuse to be vilified for finding that I could not just switch off love and commitment so easily, and that the years of a good relationship count for nothing. You have committed no crime except to love and want to forgive. I hope my children will one day come round but if they don’t, I have to live my life not theirs. You will find support here whatever you decide. I wish you well with this unimaginably painful situation, and I hope you find peace. I’ve got a long road ahead still but I do feel the choice I made is probably the right one for me, and I didn’t want it to be a choice but a decision.

Hi

What an awful situation you're in and there are no winners, someone will lose out.

Maybe once the shock has worn off your children will be more able to speak about it without the emotion involved, remember how your felt in the beginning well that's where they are.

I think you need to make decisions that are for you and no one else after all you're the one living the life.

I know with me my boys said they didn't want anything to do with my husband, not their dad, but they never said I was being cut out of their lives and I know wouldn't have been however, my decision was easier because my husband has never taken responsibility and had even tried to blame my boys!! For me it was a no brained, he had lied and is still lying 4 days before being sentenced blaming everyone but himself so actually he made my decision easy!!

I would just wait until the dust has settled a little then meet with your children and try and talk to them.

Good luck, my heart bleeds for you, it's an impossible situation to be in

Lots of love xx

Oh Lilly, I’m glad to have found you too...someone in a similar situation. Big hug to you too. have cried so much and sometimes feel haunted by the choice I’ve made, even though I feel it’s the right one. Sundays can be difficult as I used to see my children or grandchildren. Thankfully we have some very supportive friends.

I’m so glad you are able to make the choice yourself, and it’s lovely that your middle child is accepting. I hope the others come round in time. This forum has been a lifeline for me. I only wish it were possible to meet or talk on the phone. Perhaps if you are willing, StopItNow would enable us to make contact with each other. I’m happy to give them my details to pass on to you if you would like.

I will contact them tomorrow. Love and hugs to you also.

Hi Madeline

Could you let us all know what they say about contact because I know it's definitely something a lot of us would like.

Good luck ladies, you're very brave xx

Lily, this is such a sad situation to be in. I am utterly disgusted that security were helping with photographs. Over 50000 people view and download these images every day, in my small town of 30000 people I read at least 2 in the paper every day. He has been given a small sentence so it seems he is deemed low risk to the public yet they insist on photographs. It makes me rather cross!

With your children being grown up they are able to make their own choices. It may not be the one you would like but time us a great healer. Perhaps you can come to an agreement? My sister refuses to acknowledge my husband exists, she will walk past him in the street without even blinking. It hurts but it's her decision, we just make sure he doesn't come with me to visit them and to avoid drama he doesn't attend family events. Its rubbish being alone at them but this is the fall out from his actions.

I'm glad he got a reasonable outcome. The waiting is over and you will have relief.

Hello everyone,

Thank you for making good use of the forum – we’re very pleased that you find it a source of valuable support. We understand that the idea of meeting up in person is attractive to some of you. For example, often people who have attended our ‘Inform programme’ stay in contact with one another thereafter. However, this is not a service that currently we can provide via this forum or the Stop It Now! Helpline i.e. by exchanging people’s telephone numbers. In part, this is because the forum is open to anyone to read and, consequently, there is a risk that we could unintentionally pass someone’s contact details onto the wrong person.

However, we will keep this under review, and give it further thought. In the meantime, thank you for using the forum responsibily and for not sharing information that could identify you.

Best Wishes,

Lucy

What a fantastic bunch of people you are.

Lucy, is it possible to hold some kind of conference or get together? We could register with you by ringing and leaving bank details or paying what we could afford to attend? This could pay for the use of a room or something, somewhere mid country, on a main transport route maybe? We could then bring ID with us.



I do hope its sonething LF could consider.

I’m all for having direct contact but would that affect the purpose of the forum? It’s by hearing all your stories that gives me comfort and personal hope to carry on. But I would welcome with open arms the possibility of getting together. I’d like to tell my full story, there’s so much I have to hold back here for fear of being identified by the public.

Hi everyone sorry I have been a bit quite recently I am finding it very hard getting back into work after being in leave ( due to the anxiety of this trauma)

i would also second the idea of a conference together to meet, I don’t think I hit the criteria for the inform course, as I am not living with my husband and we have separated. Children services wouldn’t contribute and so I would need to self fund I believe.

though the idea of a conference somewhere in the middle of the country for partners and family members impacted seems lovely. And I could contribute to this what I can afford.

i hope everyone is. Well, I am nearly 3months post knock now. I am finding the betry difficult and working out who my daughters dad is as he still feels like a stranger, we are talking though and he is getting some help which is good. I find it very difficult that how society is set up the chances of rehabilitation seem so difficult. These men need support and encouragement ostracising them is going to build up their level of inadequacy and self loathing. I do want my husband to survive this I am pleased that I have this forum to go too it makes me feel less alone as many people don’t understand the mixed emotions we all feel. Xxx

I also understand that some people do feel uncomfortable with putting information on a public forum. I do try to anonymise myself but do worry it’s read by multiple people. Lucy Faithfull was the first port of call from the police who gave me a leaflet after the knock and then just took my husband away no follow up concern for me, so I did check the website that day. I believe loud of women check in here some may post, some may not. The sheer number of offenders is breathtaking. I don’t mind posting it’s a risk I am willing to take but I do get how worried people are about their privacy.

Hi Lilly. As you will gather from above, it’s not possible for StopItNow to put people in touch with eachother because it’s difficult to verify people and ensure safety. Perhaps down the line it might be possible for people who have done the Inform course to be connected in some way. I do understand the safety concerns, and that has to be the priority. In the meantime I can highly recommend the Inform course by the way, and I’m glad that this forum offers us a means of mutual support. It’s so heartwarming to hear about your middle son’s wife being supportive. It means such a lot, doesn’t it, when people show some human kindness. We must hang in there and hold on to all the support we can find, and this place of non-judgement of us. Love and best wishes.

It is 5 months post knock, my husband still has not formerly been charged. I have very limited contact with my family, my daughter offers support, but she is very busy and burying her head a little, also she has a new job. My son is very angry, as are my parents and sister, my son has given me an ultimatum like my sister and parents. This ultimatum has hit home, and leaves me in a dilemma. With little support from anybody.

My husband is not the father of my children, the children are adults 22 and 25 years old. They have their life ahead. I love my husband despite what he has done, my son thinks he is maunipulating me like I am unable to make my own mind up. Yet I see the man I married, he is a good man, just has got lost along the way, and he deserves a second chance? He is my friend and has been a support to me. I look at my familys behaviour and I think even if my husband and I were to split up the relationship with my parents will never be the same. (It wasn't great to begin with)

I have not made any future plans, I take one day at a time, some days are better than others, work can be a distraction, but I am struggling the last couple of days.

The help line is life line, and I appreicate there help, but my husbands actions have damaged my life, how do you move on from that after this is all over?

Hi Andi

Moving on is what I'm really struggling with, I just don't know how too, I wish I did!

I think a lot of us feel like that too and this forum is part of our healing I suppose.

Madeline, I would echo a conference being a fab idea and I would be happy to travel and pay etc, I think it would do us the world of good. I understand the remark about the forum not being needed so much though but I still think we'll come on here because we know there are a lot of people every day just getting that knock and they need our help!

Maybe one day ladies we will meet and gain the face to face support we all desperately need

Lots of love xx

Andi, your situation sounds very similar to mine. It’s such a heartache isn’t it, knowing how to move forwards.

Tracey, yes a conference or some kind of get-together would be a great idea, particularly for those of us trying to support partners whilst having a difficult time with our families.

Hello Everyone,

In response to your query Lily, Inform is a course for family members, partners and close friends affected by a loved one’s offending in relation to the access of indecent images of children. We explore questions such as why someone might have viewed indecent images, provide participants with the facts around this type of offending and help them to devise practical strategies moving forwards. We run the course from a number of locations around the country. If you’d like to know more, please call our helpline, or look here: https://www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/inform.htm.

There have been some queries regarding the funding of the Inform course. The good news is that currently we have funding to deliver it free of charge. However, as a small charity, donations are always welcome.

We know that some of you on the forum have made the decision to separate from partners, others are staying with theirs and some of you are not sure. You would all be welcome to attend an Inform course if that is something which you would like to do. There is no requirement that you have to be in a relationship with your partner to attend. We understand that the effects of this offence can be far-reaching and want everyone to feel that they have a safe space where they can seek information and support, no matter what their current circumstance is.

Finally, we are pleased that you are able to use this forum as a source of support and we understand that there are limitations to the support that can be offered via a forum. We do acknowledge that you would like a safe space to meet and share your stories and we do value your suggestions and ideas. This is something that we will give some thought to over the coming weeks. Please be reassured that any decision we take must ensure the safety of everyone involved.

Best wishes,

Lucy

Lucy

that’s brilliant news about the infirm course. You are so right the impact is far reaching. If I attend I would be more than happy to make a donation. It’s a valuable charity you run.