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Evening all,
So last week we had some what feels like good news.
All husbands devices have been checked and there is nothing on any of them except the conversation he was arrested for. Seems small but means my trust has been well placed and he hasn’t lied to me.
He was also taken off bail and released under further investigation- this feels like something significant but not sure if I’m just reading too much into it as it feels like they don’t deem him a risk etc.
His investigating officer has been really positive with him and explained that the case will go to the CPS this week. She has warned that it could take ages to come back from them with a decision to charge, caution or drop the case. Does anyone have much experience of this process? I mean does anyone ever get a caution from CPS or are they always looking to dragging people through the system?
I know husband has done wrong and so does he, he’s in counselling and really working at his issues etc and I would just make my day for him to get a caution for this stupid vile conversation so that we can continue to build on the good work he’s doing and not have to go through court. I know I’m probably being a fantasist but honestly it would make my year!
Has anyone any experience of this kind of offence when it’s just conversation- husband didn’t have or send any images but the other person he talked too sent him links etc to pictures that he clicked the link too- was this that shook him to realisation that conversation was just not ok and sick.
ttkit
So last week we had some what feels like good news.
All husbands devices have been checked and there is nothing on any of them except the conversation he was arrested for. Seems small but means my trust has been well placed and he hasn’t lied to me.
He was also taken off bail and released under further investigation- this feels like something significant but not sure if I’m just reading too much into it as it feels like they don’t deem him a risk etc.
His investigating officer has been really positive with him and explained that the case will go to the CPS this week. She has warned that it could take ages to come back from them with a decision to charge, caution or drop the case. Does anyone have much experience of this process? I mean does anyone ever get a caution from CPS or are they always looking to dragging people through the system?
I know husband has done wrong and so does he, he’s in counselling and really working at his issues etc and I would just make my day for him to get a caution for this stupid vile conversation so that we can continue to build on the good work he’s doing and not have to go through court. I know I’m probably being a fantasist but honestly it would make my year!
Has anyone any experience of this kind of offence when it’s just conversation- husband didn’t have or send any images but the other person he talked too sent him links etc to pictures that he clicked the link too- was this that shook him to realisation that conversation was just not ok and sick.
ttkit
I obviously don’t have experience of these next steps but your right that is good news about your husband.
i hope for you both it’s not enough to process further especially when he is making such changes with his life. I am so pleased he was honest with you, a bit of s personal question But do you feel after this happened your more emotionally intimate together and your relationship is stronger now you have seen him at his most vulnerable? Don’t worry if you don’t want to answer. I am just finding it so hard that there has to be something good to come out of this.
i can’t tell you how angry I am that the justice system thinks naming and blaming people is appropriate. My husband has lost me and his job he has only got his daughter and that’s restricted access. He is getting support now and that’s good for me. Like you said your husband has learned his lesson and engaging in support. Yes it would be different if it was a contact offence but it wasn’t.
i truly hope you get good news from cps.
i hope for you both it’s not enough to process further especially when he is making such changes with his life. I am so pleased he was honest with you, a bit of s personal question But do you feel after this happened your more emotionally intimate together and your relationship is stronger now you have seen him at his most vulnerable? Don’t worry if you don’t want to answer. I am just finding it so hard that there has to be something good to come out of this.
i can’t tell you how angry I am that the justice system thinks naming and blaming people is appropriate. My husband has lost me and his job he has only got his daughter and that’s restricted access. He is getting support now and that’s good for me. Like you said your husband has learned his lesson and engaging in support. Yes it would be different if it was a contact offence but it wasn’t.
i truly hope you get good news from cps.
It's good that you are getting further along in the process, it feels like the end is in sight. I think if something goes to cps it rarely ends in a caution, but there's always hope. The other thing that can happen is the cps alter the charges, in our case it was a lesser charge than the officer had said (and rightly so as it was one conversation gone to far with an adult pretending to be a minor). It is a huge relief when you find your partner has told the truth, I know I was so glad mine had been telling the truth, it was awful enough as it was. Hopefully you will hear from the cps soon, its stressful but knowing the waiting is over is a huge weight off everyone involved. I still have ups and downs and after court the nightmare is definatly not over but there is definatly some relief in no longer waiting and worrying about what might happen.
Thanks Both as ever just some insight is always helpful!
Bethlou- in answer to your question- I wouldn’t say intimate on an emotional level is how I’d describe it but we are much more open about thoughts feelings and where we are and that is what’s making us stronger, as guys we are very unemotionally aware of each other usually so this is making us deal with all kinds of new feelings that we maybe didn’t pick up on or perceive previously.
ttkit
Bethlou- in answer to your question- I wouldn’t say intimate on an emotional level is how I’d describe it but we are much more open about thoughts feelings and where we are and that is what’s making us stronger, as guys we are very unemotionally aware of each other usually so this is making us deal with all kinds of new feelings that we maybe didn’t pick up on or perceive previously.
ttkit
Thanks Ttkit
It certainly sounds like your communicating more openly and it’s good you use the word stronger to describe your relationship.
I am sure he really appreciates you more that he wasn’t rejected for this. I truly didn’t notice my husband was struggling with managing his emotions before, I was quite contented. So I also wasn’t good at picking up my partners feelings.
I hope the wait for cps won’t be too long. I still hope for you that he gets a caution especially as there were no other issues with his devises.
It certainly sounds like your communicating more openly and it’s good you use the word stronger to describe your relationship.
I am sure he really appreciates you more that he wasn’t rejected for this. I truly didn’t notice my husband was struggling with managing his emotions before, I was quite contented. So I also wasn’t good at picking up my partners feelings.
I hope the wait for cps won’t be too long. I still hope for you that he gets a caution especially as there were no other issues with his devises.
It hope so too but we are preparing for the charge and court and if we get a caution then we are better than we expected :-)
Hey TTKIT
this sounds like good news, good to hear your a bit further along in the process, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you both
xx
this sounds like good news, good to hear your a bit further along in the process, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you both
xx
Hey JB72,
Yes slowly getting further along in process. Investigating officer was meant to call this week but didn’t so assume it hasn’t gone to CPS yet.
How are you doing? Any further developments?
TTKIT
Yes slowly getting further along in process. Investigating officer was meant to call this week but didn’t so assume it hasn’t gone to CPS yet.
How are you doing? Any further developments?
TTKIT
TTKIT,
This does sound good. It’s been less than two weeks for me and it already feels like an eternity. How long did the police have your husband’s devices before they decided there was nothing else on there? My partner promises there’s nothing else on there, but is in a constant state of paranoia that they’ll find something else - a throwaway comment to a friend, or an accidental click on reddit, and that they’ll find a way to charge him. His conversation wasn’t sexual (the girl’s statement confirms this), so I’m hoping he’s only being paranoid, and that we just have to be patient. In the meantime, I’m supervising his contact with the kids and it’s heartbreaking. The kids don’t have a clue that anything has happened right now, as they’re too young to understand.
This does sound good. It’s been less than two weeks for me and it already feels like an eternity. How long did the police have your husband’s devices before they decided there was nothing else on there? My partner promises there’s nothing else on there, but is in a constant state of paranoia that they’ll find something else - a throwaway comment to a friend, or an accidental click on reddit, and that they’ll find a way to charge him. His conversation wasn’t sexual (the girl’s statement confirms this), so I’m hoping he’s only being paranoid, and that we just have to be patient. In the meantime, I’m supervising his contact with the kids and it’s heartbreaking. The kids don’t have a clue that anything has happened right now, as they’re too young to understand.
Jayne,
Police have had his devices for 3 months in total- they have checked them all. I think it all depends on the area.
I too was paranoid until we got the all devices clear from the police- not just about husband and if he was telling truth or not but if they’d review messages me and him had sent and think they needed to talk to me- even though I know I’ve mever don’t anything wrong.
I think conversations are much more of a grey area than image offences and from what I’ve read they can go all kinds of ways so just be prepared for the worst and embrace the best when it comes at you.
We are lucky that we don’t have children so we don’t have that additional stress- it’s probably why I’m more calm than most people think I should be. For my husband i now know it’s a one of thing that he got wrapped up in with a very dark individual and it doesn’t define him.
Keep the faith in your husband as I know it’s what’s kept mine going and in one piece.
TTKIT
Police have had his devices for 3 months in total- they have checked them all. I think it all depends on the area.
I too was paranoid until we got the all devices clear from the police- not just about husband and if he was telling truth or not but if they’d review messages me and him had sent and think they needed to talk to me- even though I know I’ve mever don’t anything wrong.
I think conversations are much more of a grey area than image offences and from what I’ve read they can go all kinds of ways so just be prepared for the worst and embrace the best when it comes at you.
We are lucky that we don’t have children so we don’t have that additional stress- it’s probably why I’m more calm than most people think I should be. For my husband i now know it’s a one of thing that he got wrapped up in with a very dark individual and it doesn’t define him.
Keep the faith in your husband as I know it’s what’s kept mine going and in one piece.
TTKIT
Thanks, ttkit.
I believe in him and I’m standing by him, but I’ve never seen him like this. He’s so broken and scared. I fell in love with a confident man, who now cowers when someone comes to the door, in case it’s the police coming back to say his life is over. He’s struggling to spend time with the kids, because he’s scared he’s going to lose it. I know he’s trying to protect himself and prepare for the worst, but it’s so hard to see. Meanwhile, I’ve got my game face on for the kids. It’s exhausting and I think if I didn’t have this forum to post on, I’d be sobbing right now.
I believe in him and I’m standing by him, but I’ve never seen him like this. He’s so broken and scared. I fell in love with a confident man, who now cowers when someone comes to the door, in case it’s the police coming back to say his life is over. He’s struggling to spend time with the kids, because he’s scared he’s going to lose it. I know he’s trying to protect himself and prepare for the worst, but it’s so hard to see. Meanwhile, I’ve got my game face on for the kids. It’s exhausting and I think if I didn’t have this forum to post on, I’d be sobbing right now.
Jayne,
All I can say is it gets better, he will stiffen his resolve over the next few weeks I’m sure of it, mine certainly did! It all just takes time.
Dont be afraid to cry- in my case I threw things hahaha! But also don’t bottle up what your feeling- I spoke to a few close friends and talked to them and as and when I need to I do the same now and it takes away a lot of my anxiety.
Keep your chin up :-)
All I can say is it gets better, he will stiffen his resolve over the next few weeks I’m sure of it, mine certainly did! It all just takes time.
Dont be afraid to cry- in my case I threw things hahaha! But also don’t bottle up what your feeling- I spoke to a few close friends and talked to them and as and when I need to I do the same now and it takes away a lot of my anxiety.
Keep your chin up :-)
Jayne G I know exactly what you mean... My husband has just vanished inti his shell, he can't be interested in anything because it reminds him what's he got to lose when the next knock comes (and it will, that's the only certainty we've got). We went out for a coffee today, first time he's left the house in a week (he doesn't work) and idve gotten better conversation from a brick wall. He just looked likelhed rather be anywhere else. Apart from the odd flash, he might just as well not be here at all. I can only hope that youre right and he gets stronger, I love him to bits but this isn't him and I'm just so tired of supporting sineone who isn't there. I don't want to kick him when he's down by upping and leaving but sometimes running awsy seems the easy tempting option. But tomorrow is another day and I'll feel different again....
kls, I know exactly how you feel. I feel like he's not there at the moment. I know he's almost shut himself down to protect himself, but it's so painful to see. He just keeps saying he's sure the police will find some way of charging him and it's like he is distancing himself from me to prepare himself for being apart. (He's told me that, if he's charged, he'll leave me so that I won't have to be associated with him). It's truly draining trying to find the energy to support him, but I need to try. He's given me so much happiness over the years and he's picked me up when I've been down, and now he's made a really bad decision in life. He's as low as I've seen him, so I agree - running would be the easy option, but he needs me.
No further in here unfortunately, coming up to the 6 month mark now :-(
JB72,
how is husband getting on? Are you both doing better than you were?
Have the police given you any reason for the delay? I really could do with a 3 month delay in our progress right about now to sort husbands work out!
is husband doing any form of counselling or courses etc?
ttkit
how is husband getting on? Are you both doing better than you were?
Have the police given you any reason for the delay? I really could do with a 3 month delay in our progress right about now to sort husbands work out!
is husband doing any form of counselling or courses etc?
ttkit
He’s signed up for a porn addiction counselling course online and he’s in touch with an ex forces charity, the social workers are happy we’re going along with their rules, the police told us originally that the devices could take 9 months especially the laptop as it goes into a different ‘queue’ so it’s still a waiting game for us, we’re trying to remain positive and live as normal as possible, he’s not on bail as we have restrictions put in place with social services so he’s also ‘under investigation’ like yours, I think time scales are all dependant on the different areas,
stay strong x
stay strong x