Family and Friends Forum

I wouldn't tell anyone anything, nothing might come of it like you said, I'm sorry but you won't know what to do/think until you find out exactly what they find and what your husband says. Take each day at a time. Xx

@Jayjay



I'm sorry to say you will probably have a long wait ( months rather than weeks) before your husband is charged and you find out the detail of what he as actually done - unless he tells you honestly himself.



The police will not tell you anything.



It's unfortunate that your friend is telling you what to do, but remember she is probably still getting her head around the situation and her advice is probably coming from a place of caring about you. Give her time, and in the meantime you could ask her to try and behave as "normally" as she can around your son so as not to upset him.



We're all of us here scared, worried, upset and wondering how and why our loved ones could do this to us. It's a horrendous situation and I remember the first few days for me being in a turmoil of fury, grief, and horror. Then I got practical and encouraged my husband to get competent legal advice and organised counselling for myself. Fortunately, I didn't have the added complication of young children.



There are people on this forum who are at the same stage or further on than you on this grim journey, and you'll find reading their stories useful and supportive.

Hi Jayjay,

Don't worry too much about your friend not wishing to speak to your husband again, this may change and if not, it is her choice to make. It's a massive shock for everyone and whilst the impact is much more intense for you, most people will need some time to come to terms with hearing something like this about someone they know and trust.

The important thing is if you trust her to maintain confidence. You may well find her an invaluable source of support as time goes on. The advice she gave you about not making hasty decisions is good advice. Your world has been torn apart, allow things to settle and give yourself time to process before making big decisions. This doesn't mean you can't separate temporarily or tell people that you have done so. It's a very personal choice but don't rush yourself.

It's very important that you acknowledge that your husband 'may' be a risk. I'm not saying it's likely or you think something would or could happen but you need to acknowledge the possibility and ensure your sons safety no matter how unlikely you think it is that your husband would harm him. This is what social services will be concerned about. Ensuring all possibilities are accounted for and his safety is number one.

This journey can all take a long time so I'd advise preparing yourself for a long wait and don't put too much reliance on the police following time scales they give you. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best..

I hope everything works out ok, take as much time as you can for self care and allow yourself to feel as you feel.

Reading through the forum will give you lots of helpful advice and an idea of what to expect going forwards. X

Hi Jayjay, sorry to see you here and going through all of this but also glad you're reaching out to all of us.

I think we all feel exactly the same as you. That our husbands or sons are the last people to do something like this but unfortunately it is quite common.

My personal opinion would be not to say you and his father are not getting along, you're right he will be heart broken and this can be avoided a little. I'd definitely continue the working away story. You need to give yourself some time before you start involving your son in this. You also don't know what will come of the social services assessment. They could say he can come home the next day but they could also say he can't come home and they'll do another assessment again at a later date but more likely after the court outcome. It won't be nice if he thinks his parents time apart goes for on for months. You haven't said how old your son is and why he's not at homez whether that's your choice or the polices?

As for the social services assessment. It can be nerve racking as it is so unknown. I understand you're sure he won't be a risk to your child, most of us firmly believe and know this too with our family. Unfortunately if you say that or hint that to social services this will hugely impact your assessment and you will be viewed as unprotective, you do need to say something along the lines of you know he could be a risk to your child and you will always put your son's safety above your husband's wants or needs. If you express your concern for your husband's well being be prepared for a possible statement of you putting ypur husband first. My suggestion would be to call this helpline they are very good with this, use the search area on here as there are loads about SS and call the family rights group. Remember that social services can not take you child away unless they believe he is a risk of significant harm which he isn't if you're supervising (incase this is a worry for you as I know it was for me) Having said all of the above I know it can be worrying but the best thing you can do is arm yourself with knowledge, I went from all the above being said to now supervising at home and out in the community by making sure I knew about how SS work. Lots of people also make safety plans which go down very well with social services. There is a template on this website you can print and use.

I feel like I'm the barer of bad news right now but I was mislead by the police and so were lots of other about time frames ect. I wouldn't hang on the priority and by the end of the week words. I was told 6 weeks and I'm at 2yrs 2months, waiting on CPS for 10months. I think the quickest ive seen is a few months as the police don't look over the phone, they send the phones off and another company pick it apart.

Sorry for what feels like lots of negatives but the best thing is for you to be prepared for the likelihood of the above.

I'd suggest when you're ready to look over all of this forum, start from the beginning or search key words.

You're not alone and have lots of support from this forum and the helpline if you use it. This forum can get busy for if your post moves down to fast you can bump it up.

XXX

SadandWorried I do find all the stuff I hear about SS on this forum quite horrific - telling partners to leave their hhsband/partner, telling them they aren't protective of their children, telling them they are too sympathetic of their partner, asking questions about innocent partners sex lives and childhood... I find it hard to match this up with the laissez faire attitude of SS reported in the media in the recent case of physical child abuse. As my chdren are adult and no longer live with us I have so far been spared this invasion of my privacy and being accused of thought crimes.

It does feel like a special form of torture has been developed for families and partners in these cases.

Yeh it can be really full on with SS. You'd think they would have very set policies and procedures with this but they seem to have very different ways of doing things depending on the area. Although my social worker did write I was prioritising my partner and that I wasn't protective she was never overly blunt or rude. I just kept the mentality that she is likely to view him as a guaranteed sex offender that wants to physically abused a child. They need to do the worst case scenario for a while or a long time to cover their arses. They should have more respect for the mothers though and stop going straight to us putting the kids second, this isn't the case with any mother and I think a way to instantly push the relationship of SS and families so far away. I didn't have any personal questions and she didn't speak much to my partner. The idea of them asking about my sex life just makes me angry and just feels like crossing an unnecessary line. x

I hope you're okay Jayjay...? I know the responses would've been a difficult read. xx

Hi Jayjay, social services wise that all sounds like a positive starts and that you've hopefully got a good social worker. If you are worried about the 1-1 meeting you can requested a safeguarding officer from the school sits in too. It will be kept incredibly quiet. It's very much on a need to know basis. It will only be the senior staff that know, so the head and deputy teacher and safeguarding officer. It might be a good idea to say to his class teacher that things are going on at home that may make his days a little harder for a while so he gets a little understanding behaviour from his teacher if he's struggling with work or emotions. Don't be embarrassed about the school knowing, you won't be their first or last family going through this. At my children's school the head said I wasn't the only family going throught it right now, it was strange thinking there is another parent on the playground thinking and feeling the same as me. I recently learnt that it is roughly 10 families/children a day that have their world's turned upside down by a knock at the door and around 850 arrests a months. xx