Head v heart
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I don't want to be with my partner anymore after what he's done .... BUT we've had 20 good years togther and have a small child and I love him.
I can't imagine life with him ever being the same again, the lack of trust, deceit, hurt, shame, disgust. How could I ever sleep with him again? How could I trust him? I feel like if we stay togther I will never be truly happy again.
I need to fall out of love with him, and quick. I don't want to love or care for him.
Any advice appreciated
x
I can't imagine life with him ever being the same again, the lack of trust, deceit, hurt, shame, disgust. How could I ever sleep with him again? How could I trust him? I feel like if we stay togther I will never be truly happy again.
I need to fall out of love with him, and quick. I don't want to love or care for him.
Any advice appreciated
x
Hello Jayjay
Most, perhaps all of us, will be familiar with those feelings. Your whole world has been turned upside down and you just can't believe this is the person you have been sharing all those years with. Some people stay, often committing to long, painful discussions and/ or therapy. Some people know right away they need to leave the relationship. Some stay friends with their exes, others don't. No-one on this forum will tell you what to do or criticise you for your decision. It is your decision and you will know what is best for you and your children. Just ensure you take time to consider all the options, whether that is on your own, with family and friends or with a professional counsellor.
Best wishes.
Most, perhaps all of us, will be familiar with those feelings. Your whole world has been turned upside down and you just can't believe this is the person you have been sharing all those years with. Some people stay, often committing to long, painful discussions and/ or therapy. Some people know right away they need to leave the relationship. Some stay friends with their exes, others don't. No-one on this forum will tell you what to do or criticise you for your decision. It is your decision and you will know what is best for you and your children. Just ensure you take time to consider all the options, whether that is on your own, with family and friends or with a professional counsellor.
Best wishes.
Thank you both for the advice and support.
Im stubborn and strong willed, I know what I want is not to love him anymore and to walk away in an ideal world, it's just trying to get to that point.
ive only told a couple of friends what's happened. I've told others that we haven't been getting along so we are having a break from each other - they are very suspicious as everyone knew we were close and some wanted a relationship like ours - if only they knew ???? but I don't know what else to tell them
x
Im stubborn and strong willed, I know what I want is not to love him anymore and to walk away in an ideal world, it's just trying to get to that point.
ive only told a couple of friends what's happened. I've told others that we haven't been getting along so we are having a break from each other - they are very suspicious as everyone knew we were close and some wanted a relationship like ours - if only they knew ???? but I don't know what else to tell them
x
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Smile, your sleeping pattern looks as bad as mine :)
Did any of you ladies chose to stay? How do you live a fairly normal life after this? I just can't see a way past this even though I love him, I hate him also xx
Did any of you ladies chose to stay? How do you live a fairly normal life after this? I just can't see a way past this even though I love him, I hate him also xx
Hi Jay Jay,
I am 3 years since knock and a year since he got sentenced, it is hard I still make my husband feel bad I rant and scream at him for all the crap he has caused us, but I also no he is sorry for that he has done, he was a porn addict and is one of those that needed the knock to make him realise he was doing wrong. It is hard to staying but I no that deep down he isn't a bad person, I strongly advise if u can to do the inform course that the llf offer as it all made sense then. I also think ss should do that course and then they may be a bit more easier on the partners xx please just take time and like others have said don't make any rash decisions just yet xx
I am 3 years since knock and a year since he got sentenced, it is hard I still make my husband feel bad I rant and scream at him for all the crap he has caused us, but I also no he is sorry for that he has done, he was a porn addict and is one of those that needed the knock to make him realise he was doing wrong. It is hard to staying but I no that deep down he isn't a bad person, I strongly advise if u can to do the inform course that the llf offer as it all made sense then. I also think ss should do that course and then they may be a bit more easier on the partners xx please just take time and like others have said don't make any rash decisions just yet xx
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Hi Dawn, thats what I would be like too, I hold a grudge about little things never mind something as big as this. I woudnt be able to keep quiet and really after what we've been/going through why should we ?!
what sentence did your husband get and was it in the media ? Im worried about people knowing and thinking I'm weak for still speaking to him, if people only knew what we'd been through they'd realise we are quite the opposite , very strong independent women x
what sentence did your husband get and was it in the media ? Im worried about people knowing and thinking I'm weak for still speaking to him, if people only knew what we'd been through they'd realise we are quite the opposite , very strong independent women x
Jayjay
I am still hanging on in there a year after the knock. My husband, like many others who fall down the rabbit hole, became addicted to pornography, constantly seeking more and more extreme stimulation until he crossed the line. Common sense should tell a person looking at abuse is unacceptable but I'm afraid addicts don't think that way. He has completed the Inform course and is engaging with specialist therapy. We have also signed up to Ever Accountable which sends me weekly reports of his browsing history and flags up any sites of concern. He is really going for abstinence in the way someone with alcohol dependency strives for abstinence.
He is in Court in just over a week, has made a guilty plea. Sentencing will follow a few weeks further on after Criminal Justice reports.
There have been emotional, financial and professional costs for us both and I could be a very angry person, but I believe my husband is not a bad person and I believe he has the capacity for change. After sentencing we will do some couple's therapy as a way of starting to rebuild our relationship.
But everyone is different. I would never suggest anyone should automatically "stand by their man" at all costs. You must do what ever you feel is right for you. Stay or leave, it is a very long haul.
I am still hanging on in there a year after the knock. My husband, like many others who fall down the rabbit hole, became addicted to pornography, constantly seeking more and more extreme stimulation until he crossed the line. Common sense should tell a person looking at abuse is unacceptable but I'm afraid addicts don't think that way. He has completed the Inform course and is engaging with specialist therapy. We have also signed up to Ever Accountable which sends me weekly reports of his browsing history and flags up any sites of concern. He is really going for abstinence in the way someone with alcohol dependency strives for abstinence.
He is in Court in just over a week, has made a guilty plea. Sentencing will follow a few weeks further on after Criminal Justice reports.
There have been emotional, financial and professional costs for us both and I could be a very angry person, but I believe my husband is not a bad person and I believe he has the capacity for change. After sentencing we will do some couple's therapy as a way of starting to rebuild our relationship.
But everyone is different. I would never suggest anyone should automatically "stand by their man" at all costs. You must do what ever you feel is right for you. Stay or leave, it is a very long haul.
Hi Jayjay,
our knock was in March and I have chosen to stay. Case is with CPS now so just waiting on next steps.
If it would help, you can read the article I wrote anonymously for the Metro about my relationship/our knock. It's about when I was eight months pregnant - should still be easy to find.
(that's not me blowing my own horn here, but it has all my reasons for staying.etc)
The article was written about a month after the knock, but my reasons still stand x
our knock was in March and I have chosen to stay. Case is with CPS now so just waiting on next steps.
If it would help, you can read the article I wrote anonymously for the Metro about my relationship/our knock. It's about when I was eight months pregnant - should still be easy to find.
(that's not me blowing my own horn here, but it has all my reasons for staying.etc)
The article was written about a month after the knock, but my reasons still stand x
Hi Jayjay,
He got 12 months suspended for 2 years, it was in the media and it was the worse weekend of my life but it passed and we r a year down already, again this has been the worse year but not directly because of him but because of ss, our first sw would have had my husband put down in she could have, made out he was a monster, but I can assure u he isn't, unfortunately he is alot older than me and things were not going so well in the bedroom and so turned to porn to help, and then before u no it u have a knock at the door, I no he is sorry and unfortunately we have had this and our eldest daughter self harming running along side each other both make the other seem worse. I shouldn't keep having ago but because he doesn't live with us now I take everything of our children while he is up high on a pedestal, so sometimes I lash out and hurt him like I'm being hurt if that makes sense xx it's not easy but it can be done to stay xx
He got 12 months suspended for 2 years, it was in the media and it was the worse weekend of my life but it passed and we r a year down already, again this has been the worse year but not directly because of him but because of ss, our first sw would have had my husband put down in she could have, made out he was a monster, but I can assure u he isn't, unfortunately he is alot older than me and things were not going so well in the bedroom and so turned to porn to help, and then before u no it u have a knock at the door, I no he is sorry and unfortunately we have had this and our eldest daughter self harming running along side each other both make the other seem worse. I shouldn't keep having ago but because he doesn't live with us now I take everything of our children while he is up high on a pedestal, so sometimes I lash out and hurt him like I'm being hurt if that makes sense xx it's not easy but it can be done to stay xx
Sorry you've had a rubbish year Dawn. That's it if we gave it a go I know I would keep bringing it up and lashing out which wouldn't be good for either of us but I can't see a way past it. We've had a good talk today and I do believe he's sorry and regrets what he did, but I just don't think I'll ever forgive x
Judith & pregnant - very strong ladies and I appreciate your input x
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Hi jayjay,
U don't need to forgive, I don't think I will ever forgive him, but he has been there for me I can't give up on him, it depends on if the good out weighs the bad, it is not easy but nothing ever is if its worth fighting for xx
U don't need to forgive, I don't think I will ever forgive him, but he has been there for me I can't give up on him, it depends on if the good out weighs the bad, it is not easy but nothing ever is if its worth fighting for xx
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Bitterbean how long is it for you?
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Actually Lee, I think its you - the wives and partners - who are the lionesses. When it's your child who has done this, you have little choice but to support them and to stay but for those of you whose partner is involved, it must be far more complicated. As I walk this hellish road, I often think that it would be harder if it was my partner and especially if there were children involved; I'm fairly convinced that I would just walk away but I also know it's not that simple.
Happy Monday everyone, hope you've all woken with strength and positivity today xx
Happy Monday everyone, hope you've all woken with strength and positivity today xx
You're right, we all have great strength, more perhaps than we ever realised until now. Thank goodness we have each other too. My son has his second interview tomorrow and I know that this forum is going to be a big part of me getting through the day - even if I don't post, just knowing I'm not alone is amazing xx
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As a person I tend to 'go along' with stuff just to have a peaceful life, but I've never been so determined about anything - I will not abandon my lad.
Hes done bad but he's not a bad person - he needs help - others might not see it, which I can understand. My feelings aired perfectly by the song 'Bridge over troubled Waters' -Simon & Garfunkel. Give it a listen...
Hes done bad but he's not a bad person - he needs help - others might not see it, which I can understand. My feelings aired perfectly by the song 'Bridge over troubled Waters' -Simon & Garfunkel. Give it a listen...
Thanks Lee, those are good suggestions. I think my mind is a bit scattered by the ongoing pandemic and also the time of year. Maybe one step at a time rather than one thing at a time.
Smile, I get you about not abandoning. Sometimes I feel I want to run away from all this but the injustice of the system I find myself in, the needs of my family, and my own principles I think are keeping me here and have helped me tap into a more belligerent attitude to the situation. I have more fight in me than I previously thought.
Smile, I get you about not abandoning. Sometimes I feel I want to run away from all this but the injustice of the system I find myself in, the needs of my family, and my own principles I think are keeping me here and have helped me tap into a more belligerent attitude to the situation. I have more fight in me than I previously thought.
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Hi Maij
That's so incredibly kind of you, it bought a tear to my eye that you were thinking of us. Yes, second interview today - it's been 7 months since the knock; last week was tough but like many things I almost feel better now that the day has arrived. You're quite right that he's at uni, he's in his final year and is doing well; he has a part time job which he enjoys too.
Sadly my relationship with him is very broken; we've always been very close but we do spark off each other and the difficulties this year have magnified that. I'm very angry with him for what he's putting us through and am extremely intolerant if he snaps at me. My husband/his father is very calm and patient luckily! My son is seeing a specialist therapist.
How are things with you? xx
That's so incredibly kind of you, it bought a tear to my eye that you were thinking of us. Yes, second interview today - it's been 7 months since the knock; last week was tough but like many things I almost feel better now that the day has arrived. You're quite right that he's at uni, he's in his final year and is doing well; he has a part time job which he enjoys too.
Sadly my relationship with him is very broken; we've always been very close but we do spark off each other and the difficulties this year have magnified that. I'm very angry with him for what he's putting us through and am extremely intolerant if he snaps at me. My husband/his father is very calm and patient luckily! My son is seeing a specialist therapist.
How are things with you? xx
Morning Lola53
Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts today and I hope the second interview goes ok for your son
Sending love and strength to you both
xx
Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts today and I hope the second interview goes ok for your son
Sending love and strength to you both
xx
Hi Lola - best of luck for today.
Hi Maij - what did your son get a caution for? Did that affect his job etc?
x
Hi Maij - what did your son get a caution for? Did that affect his job etc?
x
Hi bitterbean - are you still waiting for a charge 18 months later? How do they expect families to live in limbo for that long! Having read what you've wrote about sometimes wanting to leave etc I think another year down the line I'll still be in the same position as you. I too will be very bitter about life plans which he's flushed down the loo.
Hi Lee you're a tower of strength on this forum thank you
x
Hi Lee you're a tower of strength on this forum thank you
x
Thank you so much everyone xx
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