Family and Friends Forum

So sorry you’re having a bad time. It is so hard isn’t it. I did the Inform course and it was really helpful. I can recommend it. Take care, and hang in there.

Hi Lilly

in my case my (now ex) partner got his phone back after a couple of months but the forensics are still to be done on his lap top and PC and that is 9 months since they were taken. So I think perhaps it’s different in each case.

This is something none of us expected to be dealing with. All you can do is take one day at a time. It helps me to write it all down in a journal. What is happening and my feelings.

We’re all here for you Lilly. Just reach out when you need to.

Sending love and hugs

Paula

Lilly

your not alone. I have some bad days and good days too. We did absolutely nothing to deserve this. It is there issue and their journey to recovery. Keep going and be kind to yourself xxx

The bad days are BAD. The anger is so raw as well; I never ever prepared myself to have to feel like this. There’s no logic to the fact that someone else’s actions could cause us to lose everything, and it’s bloody hard to grasp.

I’ve had two “ok” days, but I can feel myself slipping. I just want to disappear until this is all over, but I can’t.

Jayne, do hang in there. It will get better. I cried at least once every single day for weeks and weeks, and now I measure the numbers of days that can go by without crying, though I still do cry regularly. Life has changed for ever, and it is impossible to fathom, but all I would say is that slowly some positive things have started to emerge for me. You find out who your real friends and family are. I take nothing for granted, I’m far less judgemental, more compassionate, and I take pleasure in the little things. The spiritual side of life has become more important to me and I make myself find five things to be grateful for each day. There are always people in the world worse off. I struggle with loneliness and some days, I go to the supermaket and don’t use self-scan, just to make sure I have interaction with someone. Weekends and Bank holidays are hard, and I value my job more than I ever did for the chance just to be around people.

My husband is truly remorseful and I’ve seen a change in him too. His actions have spoiled every part of our life together, and mine alone now, but we meet regularly and are able to talk openly and honestly, and I have hope that we will rebuild. I’m still at the point where I have lost more than I’ve gained, but I see the potential for a future where I truly appreciate things in a way I didn’t used to. When things get too much I phone the helpline and the kind people on there are really helpful and kind. The few friends who have accepted this nightmare have shown me that I am worth their investment and trust, and slowly I begin to see that a new beginning might be possible once the whole ghastly process is over with. There’s a website I found really helpful with three free videos to watch that helped me put things into some kind of perspective and explain something of the pathway to this terrible place we find ourselves : https://fightthenewdrug.org/

Thanks, ladies. I know it's a long process, but I'm impatient and frustrated. The update from the solicitor today is that the police are "still investigating", which I think means they've not started yet... (It's been less than two weeks).

I've certainly felt uplifted from having had my stepchildren with us this weekend (with me supervising), but the crash now that they're gone is a tough one and work is incredibly hard today. My partner has been very teary, as the kids being there have just served as a reminder of everything we stand to lose. He knows he's messed things up, and we're all hurting. I'm trying to stay strong and I'm finding my strength through knowing that you ladies have all carried on going throughout even worse circumstances than mine.



Xx

Thanks Madeleine for sharing the link to those videos. I have watched them this afternoon and they certainly show how damaging porn can be. It really brought home the feeling that I have had that each time an image or video is downloaded the abuse is perpetuated. Sometimes I think I am overreacting but this just shows how serious this crime is. If only my husband had understood all of this. Xx

Lilly, my husband never got his phone back. It was incinerated after his trial. Mine, even though he never used it, was kept for a good couple of months I think. It was Stop it Now ahoy helped me get it back. They told me to ring the police say that I was not under investigation so had the rights to have my phone back. The only reason they had it was because I often left it at home when i was taking the kids to school. He could have used it then. He didnt and they knew that quickly but didnt return it as i hadn't asked!

As for the programme, my husband done it and he found it very useful. It gave him insight into what went wrong. He found comfort within the group, seeing there were people from alof walks of life. One thing he hated was that when it was done it was done. No contact was to be made with others in the group due to the sex offenders register. We were told that some only try to get on the programme to look good in court but the court didnt take it into account with my husband anyway. The psychiatric assessment over rules it.

We all have bad days my love. Over 4 years in and today I don't think I spoke more than a few sentences to my husband. I live him very much but today I just couldn't be bothered!

Hello all - yep bad days still happen but I think I am learning to be patient with myself when they do. I am now sixteen months in and am still crying nearly every day. I am trying to focus on the positives I have but this is just all so massive and I don’t have much support other than this forum. I am so grateful for you all.

As far as the devices go my understanding is that you do not get back anything that has any evidence on it. The laptop and hard drives, memory sticks etc my husband had used were kept however my devices were checked during the police search and never taken away. More stress was caused therefore by finding the money to replace the seized laptop etc. The ripples go on and on!