Family stuff
Notifications OFF
How do most people deal with family looking to keep things very secret
If there are family events where there may be kids would the offender need to be open? Or is it ok for family get togethers where the secret is fully kept. (A B C and violent stuff pleaded guilty)
If there are family events where there may be kids would the offender need to be open? Or is it ok for family get togethers where the secret is fully kept. (A B C and violent stuff pleaded guilty)
Is the question for before or after sentencing?
Pre sentence my partner was able to go to family events with no issues.
His SHPO however says he cannot have any contact with children without permission from the parents AND social services. Not all offenders get this type of restriction but seems very common, even if the offence is non-contact. My partner cannot attend any family and friends event where children MIGHT or WILL BE present. We have an agreement with the police liaison that my partner will not attend family events which should be adults only just in case children do turn up (I have family with young kids so can be unpredictable).
If my partner was to accidentally find himself in a situation where he is present with children he has to get out asap and let the police know. They will then decide if he needs to disclose to the parents and SS. The police had originally requested we disclose to all my family who have kids, despite I have some who I rarely see and could work around my partner avoiding them. I think it makes it easier for the police and reduce the 'what ifs'. But we managed to convince them to not push us to disclose. But this could change at anytime or if we do get unexpected visits then we will need to disclose.
I would recommend once restrictions are set to fully understand them and how it impacts on you and the family.
Pre sentence my partner was able to go to family events with no issues.
His SHPO however says he cannot have any contact with children without permission from the parents AND social services. Not all offenders get this type of restriction but seems very common, even if the offence is non-contact. My partner cannot attend any family and friends event where children MIGHT or WILL BE present. We have an agreement with the police liaison that my partner will not attend family events which should be adults only just in case children do turn up (I have family with young kids so can be unpredictable).
If my partner was to accidentally find himself in a situation where he is present with children he has to get out asap and let the police know. They will then decide if he needs to disclose to the parents and SS. The police had originally requested we disclose to all my family who have kids, despite I have some who I rarely see and could work around my partner avoiding them. I think it makes it easier for the police and reduce the 'what ifs'. But we managed to convince them to not push us to disclose. But this could change at anytime or if we do get unexpected visits then we will need to disclose.
I would recommend once restrictions are set to fully understand them and how it impacts on you and the family.
Hi
So yes there was a sexual prevention order, I don't know if there are different types of these? There was only 2 kids there and no risk he would be alone near them. The case was held in private and the family event has already happened which is why I was posting,
I didn't really manage very well after the event as my Mum had gone on about how he would want to see family he hasn't seen for so long, so basically I was polite and did have chats with him which later on upset me as having to hold a front over the day and try and forget what he did (BUT bear in mind it was a funeral). It was more a fear of what family would think if they do find out later (As it is a big secret with direct family but we do have a quite a large wider family)
My Dad had a chat with me and I just felt really upset as he was saying in future I would have to decide what to do if it upsets me, it just came accross as in I would have to decide whether to go to events. When I speak to them they seem to say he had the court case, has been sentenced despite very leniant, and has to rehabilitate. I think they just see it as in the past now but just don't take on board how I felt about the day. Ok so my main question is how can he do that (rehabilitate) and mix with family if he doesn't admit to what happened? Surely that is the first step? Especially if some of those cousins have kids but I don't know the terms of the SPO.
It was more a general query for family stuff is it kept ever so secret or do you think there is a risk of it getting out and upsetting people more down the line? OR I feel he has done it this way telling my parents to keep it so secret - as his therapy says it's important it is down to his time and way to tell people (But surely as lots of time goes by he can filter it down to oh addiction, these images by mistake etc so by the time people know they will just think it was a small thing not a massive criminal thing....but I know it wasn't like that) so I am not happy with how much stress he must have put them under and I now feel myself getting stressed with them as they think the day went really well but actually I ended up calling a helpline at the end and being rather distressed.
So yes there was a sexual prevention order, I don't know if there are different types of these? There was only 2 kids there and no risk he would be alone near them. The case was held in private and the family event has already happened which is why I was posting,
I didn't really manage very well after the event as my Mum had gone on about how he would want to see family he hasn't seen for so long, so basically I was polite and did have chats with him which later on upset me as having to hold a front over the day and try and forget what he did (BUT bear in mind it was a funeral). It was more a fear of what family would think if they do find out later (As it is a big secret with direct family but we do have a quite a large wider family)
My Dad had a chat with me and I just felt really upset as he was saying in future I would have to decide what to do if it upsets me, it just came accross as in I would have to decide whether to go to events. When I speak to them they seem to say he had the court case, has been sentenced despite very leniant, and has to rehabilitate. I think they just see it as in the past now but just don't take on board how I felt about the day. Ok so my main question is how can he do that (rehabilitate) and mix with family if he doesn't admit to what happened? Surely that is the first step? Especially if some of those cousins have kids but I don't know the terms of the SPO.
It was more a general query for family stuff is it kept ever so secret or do you think there is a risk of it getting out and upsetting people more down the line? OR I feel he has done it this way telling my parents to keep it so secret - as his therapy says it's important it is down to his time and way to tell people (But surely as lots of time goes by he can filter it down to oh addiction, these images by mistake etc so by the time people know they will just think it was a small thing not a massive criminal thing....but I know it wasn't like that) so I am not happy with how much stress he must have put them under and I now feel myself getting stressed with them as they think the day went really well but actually I ended up calling a helpline at the end and being rather distressed.
Hi Dino, I'm reading this as being your brother being the offender is that correct?
I can imagine that must be a very difficult family situation for you all, especially if you feel differently about it to your parents.
I think such things like how much interaction you have with him, has to be your decision. Would limited contact at family events and otherwise keeping your distance help? Funerals are of course never easy but it's not fair for you to have to put yourself through additionally traumatic experiences
It's very difficult and definitely a case of easier said than done I know but accepting that you can only control your own response and are not responsible for monitoring him may help? Being able to separate myself from your feelings to accept that others have to make their own choices and everyone has a right to decide about their own life despite how much it hurts me has been a long process but has helped me come to terms with my son cutting me out of his life. I hope that makes sense?
Alternatively if you felt strongly enough, I imagine you could speak to the police/probation and ask those questions. This would of course come with consequences for the offender but if he isn't following his order, that's a choice he has made, not you.
But I would say that it sounds like your brother/the offender isn't taking responsibility for his actions and you're concerned he may not be following the conditions of his sentencing? It sounds like you may be afraid he is a risk or not accepting that he has to follow the rules if his SHPO. The one thing I would say is that hard though it is, addressing this with him directly or with the authorities may protect him from either inadvertantly getting into trouble down the line or putting a child and therefore himself at risk in the future. So if you feel that's a possibility I would say you need to speak to someone.
I'm aware I've made a lot of assumptions here so I'm very sorry if this is inaccurate or unhelpful!
I'm sorry for the family loss you've suffered and hope you're doing well x
I can imagine that must be a very difficult family situation for you all, especially if you feel differently about it to your parents.
I think such things like how much interaction you have with him, has to be your decision. Would limited contact at family events and otherwise keeping your distance help? Funerals are of course never easy but it's not fair for you to have to put yourself through additionally traumatic experiences
It's very difficult and definitely a case of easier said than done I know but accepting that you can only control your own response and are not responsible for monitoring him may help? Being able to separate myself from your feelings to accept that others have to make their own choices and everyone has a right to decide about their own life despite how much it hurts me has been a long process but has helped me come to terms with my son cutting me out of his life. I hope that makes sense?
Alternatively if you felt strongly enough, I imagine you could speak to the police/probation and ask those questions. This would of course come with consequences for the offender but if he isn't following his order, that's a choice he has made, not you.
But I would say that it sounds like your brother/the offender isn't taking responsibility for his actions and you're concerned he may not be following the conditions of his sentencing? It sounds like you may be afraid he is a risk or not accepting that he has to follow the rules if his SHPO. The one thing I would say is that hard though it is, addressing this with him directly or with the authorities may protect him from either inadvertantly getting into trouble down the line or putting a child and therefore himself at risk in the future. So if you feel that's a possibility I would say you need to speak to someone.
I'm aware I've made a lot of assumptions here so I'm very sorry if this is inaccurate or unhelpful!
I'm sorry for the family loss you've suffered and hope you're doing well x
Hi Grace
Yes you get what I mean! (brother) He was coming over and joining the table I was on and so it wasn't till I got home I realised I did speak to him quite a bit. I guess he knew in the scenario I had to keep the peace and yes my thinking is if he really wants to rehabilitate why should it be kept so secret in the family.
They (Brother/wife) even said it is down to us to respect his wishes, the therapy covers disclosure and it is down to him when he feels it is the right time to disclose and tell family - that if one of us tells someone he would not want anything more to do with us (Bear in mind arrest was way back in 2020 and court case over - so he got real leniant sentence as he told two close friends who wrote character witnessess so the judge saw it that he is open about it)
SO I get a lot of conflicting thoughts about this as like you say to rehabilitate you admit what you did. To be planning to meet up with family next year to me it gives the impression he wont tell people if not already done so and parents given strict instructions not to tell anyone.
In answer to the previous poster yes he did admit it all to the police but he just seems oblivious to the hurt his crime has caused and I just don't get how he can act like nothing has happened, even making comments like they could give marriage advice etc when talking about relationships when helloo he says he has been addicted to porn for years and "rabbit hole" effect when really I know he was looking at proper extreme stuff - and that must have been a strain on the marriage. She is very supportive of him, but also sees the issue in the past and isn't open to talking about it anymore which I get as it would be stressful to bring it up again.
Yes you get what I mean! (brother) He was coming over and joining the table I was on and so it wasn't till I got home I realised I did speak to him quite a bit. I guess he knew in the scenario I had to keep the peace and yes my thinking is if he really wants to rehabilitate why should it be kept so secret in the family.
They (Brother/wife) even said it is down to us to respect his wishes, the therapy covers disclosure and it is down to him when he feels it is the right time to disclose and tell family - that if one of us tells someone he would not want anything more to do with us (Bear in mind arrest was way back in 2020 and court case over - so he got real leniant sentence as he told two close friends who wrote character witnessess so the judge saw it that he is open about it)
SO I get a lot of conflicting thoughts about this as like you say to rehabilitate you admit what you did. To be planning to meet up with family next year to me it gives the impression he wont tell people if not already done so and parents given strict instructions not to tell anyone.
In answer to the previous poster yes he did admit it all to the police but he just seems oblivious to the hurt his crime has caused and I just don't get how he can act like nothing has happened, even making comments like they could give marriage advice etc when talking about relationships when helloo he says he has been addicted to porn for years and "rabbit hole" effect when really I know he was looking at proper extreme stuff - and that must have been a strain on the marriage. She is very supportive of him, but also sees the issue in the past and isn't open to talking about it anymore which I get as it would be stressful to bring it up again.
Hey yeah you kind of hit the nail on the head, the issue is more like you say if he wants the secret to protect us that makes sense - BUT he can't have it both ways. If he wants it to be a secret it sounds like he should be distancing himself in events, and not be actively making plans to mix with family in the future. I think if I had not have heard those conversations of him wanting to organise meeting cousins next year etc I would not have felt how I did once I got home.
SO hindsight is a bad thing! My Mum made me feel so bad that I'd told him not to go to the wake, she wouldn't listen to my reasoning, so I then told him to go for her as she said he had a right to be there etc etc. However that backfired as I should have stuck to my gut instinct or told him not to approach me / mix at the wake.
That does make more sense now, I think that's what you mean? So yeah I am angry that it is coming accross that he wants it both ways and he does not understand the impact of this?
SO hindsight is a bad thing! My Mum made me feel so bad that I'd told him not to go to the wake, she wouldn't listen to my reasoning, so I then told him to go for her as she said he had a right to be there etc etc. However that backfired as I should have stuck to my gut instinct or told him not to approach me / mix at the wake.
That does make more sense now, I think that's what you mean? So yeah I am angry that it is coming accross that he wants it both ways and he does not understand the impact of this?
Thank you for being so helpful
If someone is on the sex offender register can they go on holiday and go the beach etc
I never knew there was so much to it, I did speak to him and he said he only needs to let probation know if there would be kids unsupervised
So if he met family with kids he does not need to disclose what he has done, only if there would ever be a time unsupervised of which there never will, so he doesn't have to disclose.
If someone is on the sex offender register can they go on holiday and go the beach etc
I never knew there was so much to it, I did speak to him and he said he only needs to let probation know if there would be kids unsupervised
So if he met family with kids he does not need to disclose what he has done, only if there would ever be a time unsupervised of which there never will, so he doesn't have to disclose.
I am too wondering about family events where kids will be present, surely as long as not unsupervised I thought it would be ok to attend? Otherwise it is like saying if you see a child in a shop/pub/ cafe - disclose! It's just so sad :(
Post deleted by user
Post deleted by user
Jay Jay and Dino have a look for a post by majestictopaz as her partner ended up having to disclose to her family if he was attending family events even if supervised at all times.
Best to be safe, to protect the offender as much as the children
Best to be safe, to protect the offender as much as the children
I don't know the only kids there were teens but he says he spoke with probation. It's really unlikely there are going to be any other family meet ups anytime soon anway. The way I feel is he is on the offenders register 5 years, he is just gonna keep it tip tight 5 years will go by and any further family meet ups down the line he is just gonna act like nothing has happened. He didn't even get community service so I think it's more anger he got let off so lightly for Cat A B and C + more violent stuff, like super hard stuff by the sounds of it. I just don't get how someone can suddenly go from being "addicted" to that stuff to stopping all of a sudden being "rehabilitated" yet not really showing remorse to family imo
I've heard on the grapevine they are going abroad for 2 weeks sometime soonish, so I guess this must all been approved with probation.
I've heard on the grapevine they are going abroad for 2 weeks sometime soonish, so I guess this must all been approved with probation.
I think the best advice I can offer you is to get some counselling support for yourself and your anger towards him.
I'm aware this sounds a bit like I'm blaming you for how you feel so let me clear that's not the case!
I totally understand how frustrating it must be to see someone seem to "get away" with a serious crime. But he has been through the judicial system and been sentenced. Its beyond your control and whilst it may seem he got off lightly I am sure there are consequences you haven't seen, in his relationship, having a criminal record, impact on finances etc.
One of the hardest things for me generally in life is accepting a lack of control. I find it very hard to step back and acknowledge that others can make their own choices, even when in my mind they're terrible choices and they won't listen to me!
This has made me feel a lot of angerness and bitterness, especially if I then have to pick up the pieces further down the line. I've worked, and still am, on just focusing on my own choices and accepting other people's and take strength from the choices I have. If someone refuses to listen to advice and then ends up in a bad place, I can choose not to get involved, or to get involved as far as I see fit. This gives me some more control and allows me to let go of some of the anger and frustration.
Sorry for going on,hope this makes sense and is of some help xx
I'm aware this sounds a bit like I'm blaming you for how you feel so let me clear that's not the case!
I totally understand how frustrating it must be to see someone seem to "get away" with a serious crime. But he has been through the judicial system and been sentenced. Its beyond your control and whilst it may seem he got off lightly I am sure there are consequences you haven't seen, in his relationship, having a criminal record, impact on finances etc.
One of the hardest things for me generally in life is accepting a lack of control. I find it very hard to step back and acknowledge that others can make their own choices, even when in my mind they're terrible choices and they won't listen to me!
This has made me feel a lot of angerness and bitterness, especially if I then have to pick up the pieces further down the line. I've worked, and still am, on just focusing on my own choices and accepting other people's and take strength from the choices I have. If someone refuses to listen to advice and then ends up in a bad place, I can choose not to get involved, or to get involved as far as I see fit. This gives me some more control and allows me to let go of some of the anger and frustration.
Sorry for going on,hope this makes sense and is of some help xx
Yeah I am doing that :)
You would be surprised he got a new full time job, no media got the news, supportive partner and so from the outside looks like no issues but I get what you mean, if he loses this job it would be hard to find another and he now has to be monitored by his partner for internet use etc which must be a lot of stress but at the same time it is what they choose and happy to support each other. I try not to get involved, but I think from what you say actually he doesn't have as many challenges as some so he should really be reaching out to try and make an effort with family but I don't think he is bothered.
You would be surprised he got a new full time job, no media got the news, supportive partner and so from the outside looks like no issues but I get what you mean, if he loses this job it would be hard to find another and he now has to be monitored by his partner for internet use etc which must be a lot of stress but at the same time it is what they choose and happy to support each other. I try not to get involved, but I think from what you say actually he doesn't have as many challenges as some so he should really be reaching out to try and make an effort with family but I don't think he is bothered.
As I recall there's been no visible remorse or attempt to address issues?
I understand what you're saying Lee, and you're right. A marriage is between the couple. However this crime isn't. It affects everyone closely connected to the individual. So I can understand the feelings of anger about the way his life seems unaffected.
As Lee suggested, a heart to heart sounds like a good idea. It might make you feel more at ease about the situation and understand what's been happening for him.
I do feel for you Dino. It sounds like a really tough situation, especially feeling obligated to be in family situations you're not comfortable in xx
I understand what you're saying Lee, and you're right. A marriage is between the couple. However this crime isn't. It affects everyone closely connected to the individual. So I can understand the feelings of anger about the way his life seems unaffected.
As Lee suggested, a heart to heart sounds like a good idea. It might make you feel more at ease about the situation and understand what's been happening for him.
I do feel for you Dino. It sounds like a really tough situation, especially feeling obligated to be in family situations you're not comfortable in xx
I wasn't offended Lee, I sorry if my response seemed like I was and I'm sorry you felt you needed to delete your post.
I do agree with what you've said but felt it could have come across as a little harsh.
I just also understand the way Dino feels. It's hard to change the way you feel and one of the things I always say is its OK to feel whatever you feel whether it's rational, fair or reasonable.
As I said previously I think it's important for dino to work on how they feel about it and that there could well be consequences for the offender that they're not aware of..
It's just a tough thing to go through for everyone involved x
I do agree with what you've said but felt it could have come across as a little harsh.
I just also understand the way Dino feels. It's hard to change the way you feel and one of the things I always say is its OK to feel whatever you feel whether it's rational, fair or reasonable.
As I said previously I think it's important for dino to work on how they feel about it and that there could well be consequences for the offender that they're not aware of..
It's just a tough thing to go through for everyone involved x
I did not see the deleted post so that's confused me lol
No the attempts are all made by me, it is me who has to call him for answers he just said at the start if I have any questions I can ask him but he has not been forthcoming to keep in contact with myself or really to check if I am ok. He was actually shocked to hear of my difficulties from the funeral as they both felt the day went really well and they saw a lot of positives. So definitly one sided and as I have made quite a few calls in the past I don't see how any further calls would change things as they have now moved past the crime and getting on with their lives. Which again I understand, going over stuff again is going to be stressful, and they deffo sound like they have moved on from the crime.
However with family stuff at some point surely it will get out and then be more stress! On one hand I just want to get on with my life and the other part of me still thinks huh every explanation he has given me doesn't actually make sense, but if I ask more questions it leads to more questions and no answers! Like it was addiction but then how if he was happily married, decent job and no money issues (inheritance) how was he so stressed that it led him to the dark stuff etc when he says he was happy and I just think he is hiding a lot of stuff, so I think it is more sociopath stuff? Just some people are this way inclined in the brain? That was my conclusion that helps me understand and I have started counselling.
No the attempts are all made by me, it is me who has to call him for answers he just said at the start if I have any questions I can ask him but he has not been forthcoming to keep in contact with myself or really to check if I am ok. He was actually shocked to hear of my difficulties from the funeral as they both felt the day went really well and they saw a lot of positives. So definitly one sided and as I have made quite a few calls in the past I don't see how any further calls would change things as they have now moved past the crime and getting on with their lives. Which again I understand, going over stuff again is going to be stressful, and they deffo sound like they have moved on from the crime.
However with family stuff at some point surely it will get out and then be more stress! On one hand I just want to get on with my life and the other part of me still thinks huh every explanation he has given me doesn't actually make sense, but if I ask more questions it leads to more questions and no answers! Like it was addiction but then how if he was happily married, decent job and no money issues (inheritance) how was he so stressed that it led him to the dark stuff etc when he says he was happy and I just think he is hiding a lot of stuff, so I think it is more sociopath stuff? Just some people are this way inclined in the brain? That was my conclusion that helps me understand and I have started counselling.
Er Lee if you keep posting and deleting is it because I am saying bad stuff? That's really confused me I don't get what I posted wrong?
I'm sorry I can't do that she has made it clear she doesn't want to talk about it anymore as she is moving on and trying to focus on positive things
This is why I am having counselling as I may have to move on without answers, I don't feel like writing a letter anytime soon but in time that may be more appropriate. Don't worry I can be blunt sometimes, I wouldn't mind! lol I read stuff on here sometimes and think no I won't reply as they wont like what I would say!
This is why I am having counselling as I may have to move on without answers, I don't feel like writing a letter anytime soon but in time that may be more appropriate. Don't worry I can be blunt sometimes, I wouldn't mind! lol I read stuff on here sometimes and think no I won't reply as they wont like what I would say!
That's what I mean family stuff is complicated, she basically said she doesn't really have anything else to add and referred me to lucy faithfull course but I am seeing a different counsellor (The only thing I found was some group course and I'd feel uncomfortable in that)
There's a LOT of family issues between them and my parents too so I feel my parents try not to upset them and tread very carefully, but always end up upsetting them anyway as both sides communicate so badly. My brother used his childhood and parent issues as the reasons for his stress (Even on one call he even said oh day to day stress, household bills...now that got me riled up I told him everyone has to pay bills! It's not gonna turn you to illegal porn! Yes he explained it was his escape from reality but not really what he was escaping lol) My Mum said he sent her upsetting emails but no attempt to really properly explain, I recall a pretty good upbringing compared to some people! So believe me I have already asked him looads of question! As nothing added up, Thank you for your advice :)
There's a LOT of family issues between them and my parents too so I feel my parents try not to upset them and tread very carefully, but always end up upsetting them anyway as both sides communicate so badly. My brother used his childhood and parent issues as the reasons for his stress (Even on one call he even said oh day to day stress, household bills...now that got me riled up I told him everyone has to pay bills! It's not gonna turn you to illegal porn! Yes he explained it was his escape from reality but not really what he was escaping lol) My Mum said he sent her upsetting emails but no attempt to really properly explain, I recall a pretty good upbringing compared to some people! So believe me I have already asked him looads of question! As nothing added up, Thank you for your advice :)
Sorry, I am coming late to this thread but just wanted to add a bit about the nature of addiction. I am not commenting directly on any one post.
Nobody sets out to become an addict, whether it is alcohol, drugs, food or pornography. As an example someone who has had a bad day at work might get home, kick their shoes off and have a gin and tonic. Most of us can leave it at that but some folk think that was great, it helped, I can do it again. For a few people, they develop a reliance on that drink after work, even if they are not stressed. And eventually if they can't have a drink as soon as they get home that in itself causes them stress. And guess what? One gin and tonic doesn't even take the edge off, so more gin and less tonic. Repeat over time and what began as a chance to chill has developed into a dependency.
Paula Hall has a short clip on YouTube called "The Road to Brighton'"which introduces the concept far better than I have.
My husband had been assessed as having a porn addiction. He recently confessed he'd had a habit for many years and said it had ruled his life. What began as a relaxation ( though it still upset me) led him to lie and cheat and to withdraw from intimacy with me. As time went on the images he looked at became more extreme as he spent hours chasing an elusive dopamine high. Eventually he became so desensitized that nothing less than what is , in reality, the abuse of children, animals and adults, had any arousal power for him.
The friends and neighbours who now know what has happened are incredulous. Why would a man with a lovely home, well paid job, fantastic holidays and a range of interests, yes, and even a loving and attentive wife, throw it all away like that ? It is hard to fathom except through the lens of the corrosive power of addiction.
Nobody sets out to become an addict, whether it is alcohol, drugs, food or pornography. As an example someone who has had a bad day at work might get home, kick their shoes off and have a gin and tonic. Most of us can leave it at that but some folk think that was great, it helped, I can do it again. For a few people, they develop a reliance on that drink after work, even if they are not stressed. And eventually if they can't have a drink as soon as they get home that in itself causes them stress. And guess what? One gin and tonic doesn't even take the edge off, so more gin and less tonic. Repeat over time and what began as a chance to chill has developed into a dependency.
Paula Hall has a short clip on YouTube called "The Road to Brighton'"which introduces the concept far better than I have.
My husband had been assessed as having a porn addiction. He recently confessed he'd had a habit for many years and said it had ruled his life. What began as a relaxation ( though it still upset me) led him to lie and cheat and to withdraw from intimacy with me. As time went on the images he looked at became more extreme as he spent hours chasing an elusive dopamine high. Eventually he became so desensitized that nothing less than what is , in reality, the abuse of children, animals and adults, had any arousal power for him.
The friends and neighbours who now know what has happened are incredulous. Why would a man with a lovely home, well paid job, fantastic holidays and a range of interests, yes, and even a loving and attentive wife, throw it all away like that ? It is hard to fathom except through the lens of the corrosive power of addiction.
Get a grip Lee !
Love and hugsxx
Love and hugsxx
Post deleted by user
Post deleted by user
Post deleted by user
There are a lot of comments and points of discussion but regarding understanding sex addiction I'd highly recommend the Paula Hall videos to help understand.
As to stress, we all have different sizes stress buckets and triggers that fill it up. Similarly I know depression can sometimes ne linked to addiction and stress, we are all wired differently and have different perceptions of the world around us and they have real world impacts on how we deal with things. There are so many triggers and reasons behind these things, just because people appear to have a cushy life with little stress it doesn't tell you what's going on inside there head. Past traumas that may influence our behaviour, don't need to be life changing, one person could have the exact same experience of life and deal with things totally different - Because we are all wired differently.
As to stress, we all have different sizes stress buckets and triggers that fill it up. Similarly I know depression can sometimes ne linked to addiction and stress, we are all wired differently and have different perceptions of the world around us and they have real world impacts on how we deal with things. There are so many triggers and reasons behind these things, just because people appear to have a cushy life with little stress it doesn't tell you what's going on inside there head. Past traumas that may influence our behaviour, don't need to be life changing, one person could have the exact same experience of life and deal with things totally different - Because we are all wired differently.
Thank you so much, I agree everyone is wired differently but people know the difference between right and wrong, surely if watching a video of violence/murder you know that is so wrong and highly illegal
They are planning on moving, doing up a house and selling it in a year and then moving abroad. He sounds like he has looked into it as I asked has he spoke to probation, he says when you move house you just have to pop into a police station and update your address. As for abroad surely that would be much more complicated?
Everything is so odd, I try not to get bothered but surely stress is a trigger with addiction and everything he mentions of their plans sounds stressful to me. He works full time (Done well to find a job with no DBS!!) and his wife doesn't work as she has mental health problems herself, escaberated by his crime but she says doing better now and she is supporting him
So I do still worry as I really don't to hear about any relapse in the future, but I have to try and not to worry or it affects me :/
They are planning on moving, doing up a house and selling it in a year and then moving abroad. He sounds like he has looked into it as I asked has he spoke to probation, he says when you move house you just have to pop into a police station and update your address. As for abroad surely that would be much more complicated?
Everything is so odd, I try not to get bothered but surely stress is a trigger with addiction and everything he mentions of their plans sounds stressful to me. He works full time (Done well to find a job with no DBS!!) and his wife doesn't work as she has mental health problems herself, escaberated by his crime but she says doing better now and she is supporting him
So I do still worry as I really don't to hear about any relapse in the future, but I have to try and not to worry or it affects me :/