Got the Knock Yesterday
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Hi
So I got the knock yesterday afternoon. My partner had been arrested somewhere and they searched and seized his laptop and old mobile. They left my electronics. They couldn't tell me much due to data protection (we're not married)
He got released under investigation at about 8pm. I asked what had happened and he admitted that he had started messaging a girl 10 days ago that he thought was 18, turns out she was 15, and also turns out wasn't real. It was the police. He got caught arranging to meet her which is when they arrested him. I asked if they're were photos sent, and claims no just of his face. I asked why he had arranged to meet her and if it was for a sex and he said no. When I asked why he arranged to meet her then, he didn't really give me an answer just that he didn't know.
I don't know what to believe. I don't think the police would really state in the first instance in their chat that they were 18, only to lower it to get a catch. But then I don't know why he continued once they said their age was 15.
I asked if there was anything else he needed to tell me as the police have his stuff and it will all come out and he said their was nothing else.
I haven't told anyone but this was already his last chance after he got caught cheating at the beginning of our 7yr relationship. We have just bought a house together and I am so angry that he has thrown this all away. My mam is planning Christmas dinner and I have said he won't be there and that something has happened that I don't think we can make it through it, but I honestly don't know what else to say. I don't want to tell her the real reason cos as stupid as it sounds, I don't want her to think bad of him.
I don't even know the next steps with the police how long it will all take and if he needs to go back. They won't tell me much either.
Something inside tells me now that he's had the biggest shock of his life he will start looking at himself and change. But I don't want to be that person to forgive him again. He's already had to rebuild my trust once. Part of me is lucky that we only just have the house and no kids so it would be easy to cut ties. My head and heart are conflicted.
So I got the knock yesterday afternoon. My partner had been arrested somewhere and they searched and seized his laptop and old mobile. They left my electronics. They couldn't tell me much due to data protection (we're not married)
He got released under investigation at about 8pm. I asked what had happened and he admitted that he had started messaging a girl 10 days ago that he thought was 18, turns out she was 15, and also turns out wasn't real. It was the police. He got caught arranging to meet her which is when they arrested him. I asked if they're were photos sent, and claims no just of his face. I asked why he had arranged to meet her and if it was for a sex and he said no. When I asked why he arranged to meet her then, he didn't really give me an answer just that he didn't know.
I don't know what to believe. I don't think the police would really state in the first instance in their chat that they were 18, only to lower it to get a catch. But then I don't know why he continued once they said their age was 15.
I asked if there was anything else he needed to tell me as the police have his stuff and it will all come out and he said their was nothing else.
I haven't told anyone but this was already his last chance after he got caught cheating at the beginning of our 7yr relationship. We have just bought a house together and I am so angry that he has thrown this all away. My mam is planning Christmas dinner and I have said he won't be there and that something has happened that I don't think we can make it through it, but I honestly don't know what else to say. I don't want to tell her the real reason cos as stupid as it sounds, I don't want her to think bad of him.
I don't even know the next steps with the police how long it will all take and if he needs to go back. They won't tell me much either.
Something inside tells me now that he's had the biggest shock of his life he will start looking at himself and change. But I don't want to be that person to forgive him again. He's already had to rebuild my trust once. Part of me is lucky that we only just have the house and no kids so it would be easy to cut ties. My head and heart are conflicted.
Hi, this all sounds very familiar. Had similar experience. Husband 'popped out' apparently to get some crimbo presents and son's bday presents and I heard nothing untill hours later that he had been arrested but wouldnt say why. He has never been arrested before and no history that I know of. Police were round next day to take electronics but again, not allowed to tell me and our kids had no idea when dad would be home. We didn't find out until 6pm next day.
Similarly, I get 'I don't know', which then turns to little revelations and every time I'm both empty and sick inside, feel like our whole mariage has been a lie.
Similarly, I get 'I don't know', which then turns to little revelations and every time I'm both empty and sick inside, feel like our whole mariage has been a lie.
Im sorry that you're both going through this. It must be very frustrating and distressing.
It's a long journey and in the early days the shock is devastating so I'd recommend taking things day by day and doing whatever you can for self care. Have a read through the forum for some idea of the process and what to expect but be aware that the timescales and process can vary a great deal I'm different areas.
You deserve honesty from your partners at this time but be aware they may not fully understand the reasons themselves and will also be in a state of shock. The helpline would probably be a good place for them and you to start unravelling what has happened and what will happen from here x
It's a long journey and in the early days the shock is devastating so I'd recommend taking things day by day and doing whatever you can for self care. Have a read through the forum for some idea of the process and what to expect but be aware that the timescales and process can vary a great deal I'm different areas.
You deserve honesty from your partners at this time but be aware they may not fully understand the reasons themselves and will also be in a state of shock. The helpline would probably be a good place for them and you to start unravelling what has happened and what will happen from here x
Shocked1 - It's awful isn't it. I want to believe what he says and have repeatedly said to him that it will all come out so he had better just tell me it all. But I think even if it was the truth I still don't think I'd believe it anyway.
I'd rather know it all now and learn how to heal, than to think I've made it through only to find out more and more and break again.
Grace - thank you, I've been scouring this forum for days now. This is only the real support service I've found up until now
I'd rather know it all now and learn how to heal, than to think I've made it through only to find out more and more and break again.
Grace - thank you, I've been scouring this forum for days now. This is only the real support service I've found up until now
Hi Lost and Shocked
We had the knock just over a year ago and in that time I have learned so much from people on this forum. Though each case is different we have all experienced the absolute shock and bewilderment in those early days. This time will pass and a new normal will emerge whether you remain with your partner / loved one or not. In the meantime be careful in whom you confide and try not to be pressured by others into making far reaching decisions until you feel ready to do so. You may or may not have children to make provision for but you also need to look after yourself and give yourself time to heal.
We had the knock just over a year ago and in that time I have learned so much from people on this forum. Though each case is different we have all experienced the absolute shock and bewilderment in those early days. This time will pass and a new normal will emerge whether you remain with your partner / loved one or not. In the meantime be careful in whom you confide and try not to be pressured by others into making far reaching decisions until you feel ready to do so. You may or may not have children to make provision for but you also need to look after yourself and give yourself time to heal.
Lost258
my situation is the same, 6 months ago I got the knock, OH went off to work and at teatime the police arrived to take a his devices, he had been arrested for grooming and meeting a child online. It was a police decoy. He was told at the start she was 13 but he carried on talking. Sent face pics as he said...he had nothing to hide! Still slays me now. He doesn't know why either, said he didn't think it was a child so persued it.he says he knew it was a trap and wanted it to end. There is no trust now, I'm still in his life but our relationship will never be the same. I covered with his kids, work etc but Ive been numb since June.
im trying to do things for myself now I'm a bit stronger, changed jobs, joined the gym, I know you won't feel like any of that right now but it will get better and you'll cope with it more. I couldn't get my head around anything at first.
the message on here is don't rush anything, take time out for yourself, be kind to yourself and it's great advice.
Whatever you do look after yourself, it's a long journey and it's exhausting, you need your strength xx
my situation is the same, 6 months ago I got the knock, OH went off to work and at teatime the police arrived to take a his devices, he had been arrested for grooming and meeting a child online. It was a police decoy. He was told at the start she was 13 but he carried on talking. Sent face pics as he said...he had nothing to hide! Still slays me now. He doesn't know why either, said he didn't think it was a child so persued it.he says he knew it was a trap and wanted it to end. There is no trust now, I'm still in his life but our relationship will never be the same. I covered with his kids, work etc but Ive been numb since June.
im trying to do things for myself now I'm a bit stronger, changed jobs, joined the gym, I know you won't feel like any of that right now but it will get better and you'll cope with it more. I couldn't get my head around anything at first.
the message on here is don't rush anything, take time out for yourself, be kind to yourself and it's great advice.
Whatever you do look after yourself, it's a long journey and it's exhausting, you need your strength xx
LostandConfused - I'm pleased that you've managed to get yourself in a better place and looking after you.
Is he any further forward with the case? I know this is going to take ages before there's any more info.
Is he any further forward with the case? I know this is going to take ages before there's any more info.
Lost258
not heard a thing since he was RUI, try to ring the officer in charge but never picks up or phone is off. Solicitor does nothing, will appoint a private one when things start to move. We just go day by day, week by week waiting until they finish with devices and decide what to do. The waiting in limbo land is torture. At least there won't be any surprises before chrismas now.
i have spent a lot of time on here, mainly reading and trying to work things out myself, it gives comfort knowing others are going through the same and the support is immense. Don't know what I would have done without it.
im so sorry you are having to go through this too, just take each day as it comes
not heard a thing since he was RUI, try to ring the officer in charge but never picks up or phone is off. Solicitor does nothing, will appoint a private one when things start to move. We just go day by day, week by week waiting until they finish with devices and decide what to do. The waiting in limbo land is torture. At least there won't be any surprises before chrismas now.
i have spent a lot of time on here, mainly reading and trying to work things out myself, it gives comfort knowing others are going through the same and the support is immense. Don't know what I would have done without it.
im so sorry you are having to go through this too, just take each day as it comes
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Hi lost 258, I'm so sorry you're hear, my knock came in March, only just got charges 4 weeks ago (which is actually quick compared to others). 2 are false (1 image of him naked) which turns out was actually sent to me and we contested them, no plans to meet, other charge attempted sexual contact with a 14-16 year old, (which he did do I know more are less exactly what he said but still no plans to meet but still feel. Sick when I think about it, 3rd charge grooming which I honestly don't thi k he did although we still hvnt got full evidence to sol yet, as poikce trying to find evidence on the 1 charge of imagine to connect to chat which they arnt going to find. I like you had to find my own support, I k ow exactly how your feeling right now, you're very brave reaching out for help so soon I only started writing on the forem a few weeks back,I didn't want to get back with him either at the start, still not back, but I still love him and he's got so much help since that and dis kosed everything to me which I think, although hard to here, was a relif. Gp and counselling has helped me so much, it's someone else to help you process things too. None of us will ever be the same after this, but the strength of some of these woman on this group keeps me going.
Newlady - I ended up here so quick as I went into panic mode and just started researching and googling everything I could as soon as he got back from the station and told me.
Im pleased I found this place and has made it feel less lonely. Its nice to have a safe space and to see I'm not alone.
I have a doctors appointment in a few weeks (unrelated) but I feel I will ask for some help then. Lockdown was already starting to take its toll on me and I was starting to lose a sense of who I was outside of these four walls, and this has not helped.
Im pleased I found this place and has made it feel less lonely. Its nice to have a safe space and to see I'm not alone.
I have a doctors appointment in a few weeks (unrelated) but I feel I will ask for some help then. Lockdown was already starting to take its toll on me and I was starting to lose a sense of who I was outside of these four walls, and this has not helped.
I'm glad you did, I'm a bit of a researcher too and have learnt lots also through this group. We are all here for you fur the next harrowing few weeks. Hope you can salvage some sort of Christmas x
Newlady I hope the same to you too,
And also to all the other members on the forum
And also to all the other members on the forum