Such a scary Time!
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3 weeks ago after doing the school run I popped into my parents house, my mum answered the door and when I asked where Dad was she told me that he'd been arrested for downloading 'child pornography'! Feeling like I had been hit by a train I knew it must be true as the police don't just arrest someone for this for no reason, my mum was convinced it was a mistake! A couple of hours past and the police phoned to let her know he had admitted it! Well she was crushed 40 years of marriage she thought there was no chance and that she'd know if he'd been doing this but we said he wasn't going to tell you he'd have been too ashamed to do so! My dad came home he looked broken and terrified! I felt like he had more to tell us but he couldn't even though he told us he didn't.
The next morning I phoned my mum to see how they both were and she told me to come up, when I got there she told me Dad had gone back to the police to tell them there was more than 1 video he'd been arrested for! To be honest it makes little difference in my eyes 1 or 1000 (although there wasn't 1000) a crime has been committed and something has gone wrong in these mens minds to make them go down this route! I honestly think that they need help and I wonder how many men wouldn't get in this situation if the stigma wasn't what it is! I think that the real criminals are those who film these poor children and although I don't condone what these men have done I think they need some physiological help and prison sentences will not help the actual route of the problem!
My mum, me, my brother and our spouse's are supporting us 100% as he would do if any of us were in his situation! No-one but us knows and I'm dreading that it might get into the press as he's made a big mistake he's trying now to put that right by doing the inform courses online and the group ones and I know how appalled and disgusted he is in himself! He said he knew what he was doing was wrong and he's cried and been so so low and I know that all of that is geniune! My whole life my patents have been a constant support to me and always put my happiness first! My dad is a good man who has done a bad thing but because of the stigma he'd be viewed worse than a murderer by the public all the good these men do in their life's suddenly means nothing, which is why unless it's in the interest of the public then these cases should be kept out of the press! Also for the family I mean I don't need people judging me for my decisions and being awful about my dad who has yes made an awful mistake but is trying so hard to put it right!
In the middle of these 3 weeks it also turned out my husband who has a gambling addiction had also been gambling again so it's been 3 weeks from hell luckily my parents have helped him (us) out (again) aand I am now not letting him touch any of the bank accounts! All in all a real rubbish 3 weeks and god knows how long it'll go on for but the longer in some ways the better as it means nominee else knows!
This post is nothing more than telling my story and to say thank you for everyone sharing theirs! I wish alot for the outcome! I really don't condone these mens actions but I wish there was more help and understanding out there instead of judging! I really wish the men who videoed and pictured these children were locked up to stop it at the start! I know these men aren't victims they have done something terrible but surely treated them like monsters doesn't solve the problem! Also social services have told me my dad is not to be left alone with my children which is heartbreaking as I know he wouldn't hurt them or any other child (even though by downloading they are part of the abuse)
Sorry for ranting I just needed to put my thoughts down!
The next morning I phoned my mum to see how they both were and she told me to come up, when I got there she told me Dad had gone back to the police to tell them there was more than 1 video he'd been arrested for! To be honest it makes little difference in my eyes 1 or 1000 (although there wasn't 1000) a crime has been committed and something has gone wrong in these mens minds to make them go down this route! I honestly think that they need help and I wonder how many men wouldn't get in this situation if the stigma wasn't what it is! I think that the real criminals are those who film these poor children and although I don't condone what these men have done I think they need some physiological help and prison sentences will not help the actual route of the problem!
My mum, me, my brother and our spouse's are supporting us 100% as he would do if any of us were in his situation! No-one but us knows and I'm dreading that it might get into the press as he's made a big mistake he's trying now to put that right by doing the inform courses online and the group ones and I know how appalled and disgusted he is in himself! He said he knew what he was doing was wrong and he's cried and been so so low and I know that all of that is geniune! My whole life my patents have been a constant support to me and always put my happiness first! My dad is a good man who has done a bad thing but because of the stigma he'd be viewed worse than a murderer by the public all the good these men do in their life's suddenly means nothing, which is why unless it's in the interest of the public then these cases should be kept out of the press! Also for the family I mean I don't need people judging me for my decisions and being awful about my dad who has yes made an awful mistake but is trying so hard to put it right!
In the middle of these 3 weeks it also turned out my husband who has a gambling addiction had also been gambling again so it's been 3 weeks from hell luckily my parents have helped him (us) out (again) aand I am now not letting him touch any of the bank accounts! All in all a real rubbish 3 weeks and god knows how long it'll go on for but the longer in some ways the better as it means nominee else knows!
This post is nothing more than telling my story and to say thank you for everyone sharing theirs! I wish alot for the outcome! I really don't condone these mens actions but I wish there was more help and understanding out there instead of judging! I really wish the men who videoed and pictured these children were locked up to stop it at the start! I know these men aren't victims they have done something terrible but surely treated them like monsters doesn't solve the problem! Also social services have told me my dad is not to be left alone with my children which is heartbreaking as I know he wouldn't hurt them or any other child (even though by downloading they are part of the abuse)
Sorry for ranting I just needed to put my thoughts down!
Hi
It really is a horrible time and good for your family to stand by your dad and him for taking responsibility and getting help.
I absolutely agree with your about prison, that isn't the answer as they don't get the help in there.
My nearly ex husband was imprisoned on Friday, his was due to his total lack of remorse and taking any responsibility for his actions, he was (through his barrister) trying to blame everyone's but himself, or 'terrible' marriage made it into dispatches as did my son's!!
The judge said until he took responsibility and understood the post he played there was no other option but prison! He had though, added a 26 week 121 workshop for him for when he gets out which I'm really pleased about.
You sound like an amazing person and your mum and dad will need your strength over the next few months
Xx
It really is a horrible time and good for your family to stand by your dad and him for taking responsibility and getting help.
I absolutely agree with your about prison, that isn't the answer as they don't get the help in there.
My nearly ex husband was imprisoned on Friday, his was due to his total lack of remorse and taking any responsibility for his actions, he was (through his barrister) trying to blame everyone's but himself, or 'terrible' marriage made it into dispatches as did my son's!!
The judge said until he took responsibility and understood the post he played there was no other option but prison! He had though, added a 26 week 121 workshop for him for when he gets out which I'm really pleased about.
You sound like an amazing person and your mum and dad will need your strength over the next few months
Xx
It really is sad that some men can't see what they have done is wrong, I know my dad is so very ashamed and knows that he needs help! He had said that he wanted to go for hypnotherapy but was to ashamed and scared! Since being caught he's starting to see the bigger picture and said if someone was doing this to his grandchildren he'd want to kill them but he didn't see the bigger picture before! Despite this part of him he really is a good man and my mum is just such an amazing woman!
I can see how this can rip families apart it's a very awful time!
I can see how this can rip families apart it's a very awful time!
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. I share a lot of your thoughts.
I am three months in, some days are better than others. I really feel for your mum 40 years is a long time. I am sure he was the genuine kind husband and dad you all know. He was just in a dark place. You should be proud of him getting some support.
with my husband I know it has roots in childhood trauma that he has not processed. In my husbands case he has to travel this journey himself. I can’t support him with this. Though your dad seems like he has a lovely support network. Don’t worry about the press yet. I have decided I can’t worry about the criminal justice system all the time it’s way to huge and out of our control.
take care to show yourself self kindness xxx
3 weeks is still early days and I remember my head being all over the place. I spoke to my gp she was a lovely lady and gave me some medication to manage my anxiety xxx
I am three months in, some days are better than others. I really feel for your mum 40 years is a long time. I am sure he was the genuine kind husband and dad you all know. He was just in a dark place. You should be proud of him getting some support.
with my husband I know it has roots in childhood trauma that he has not processed. In my husbands case he has to travel this journey himself. I can’t support him with this. Though your dad seems like he has a lovely support network. Don’t worry about the press yet. I have decided I can’t worry about the criminal justice system all the time it’s way to huge and out of our control.
take care to show yourself self kindness xxx
3 weeks is still early days and I remember my head being all over the place. I spoke to my gp she was a lovely lady and gave me some medication to manage my anxiety xxx
Thanks BethLou
Some days I forget some days it's my every thought! My Dad was shocked we stood by him, but looks I said if it was me he'd be there, he's always been such a brilliant Dad and this doesn't change that! But I understand that everyone has different ways of dealing with it and some need to walk away and that's ok too if it's just too much to comprehend!
I recently watched a progamme on Netflix called the paedophile next door, since watching it I feel that alot of my questions have been answered! I'm not sure if my feelings are less of anger because the children weren't young but teens (don't get me wrong it's still wrong) but I think it's easier to digest than had they been young children, however I think I would still be standing by him supporting him through the help and courses and him putting third right because he would do the same for me!
Isn't it strange how you feel the need to justify your decision to walk away or stick around? Even though it's completely your choice?! You almost feel as you are being completely judged which ever you decide and the sad thing is people will judge us the family too!!!
Some days I forget some days it's my every thought! My Dad was shocked we stood by him, but looks I said if it was me he'd be there, he's always been such a brilliant Dad and this doesn't change that! But I understand that everyone has different ways of dealing with it and some need to walk away and that's ok too if it's just too much to comprehend!
I recently watched a progamme on Netflix called the paedophile next door, since watching it I feel that alot of my questions have been answered! I'm not sure if my feelings are less of anger because the children weren't young but teens (don't get me wrong it's still wrong) but I think it's easier to digest than had they been young children, however I think I would still be standing by him supporting him through the help and courses and him putting third right because he would do the same for me!
Isn't it strange how you feel the need to justify your decision to walk away or stick around? Even though it's completely your choice?! You almost feel as you are being completely judged which ever you decide and the sad thing is people will judge us the family too!!!