Trying to Understand
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Hi
So I got the knock last week. Partner had been arrested somewhere and the house was searched and his old mobile and laptop taken.
When he returned that night he admitted that he had been chatting to a girl on Kik that he originally believed was 18, however it was then stated that the girl was 15 and he arranged to meet. Turns out it was a police decoy and he was arrested at the "meeting".
I asked if there was anything sexual and he said no, but flirting. I asked what was said about the arranged meet and whether it was for sex and he said no, so I asked what was intended in the messages and he said that it was just to hang out. I asked why he went and why he was planning to meet and he said he was curious. I asked if there had been any sexual images sent or received and he said no, just of his face.
Ever since I have googled sentencing, likelihood of sentences and, if what he is telling me is true, then I don't know what to expect. Is flirting classed as sexual? I know the main pin point will be that he arranged a meeting and physically went, which will be what gets him. He has no prior convictions or involvement with the police.
I asked if there was anything else he needed to tell me as the police have all his devices and he said nothing, but there will be adult porn for sure (I believe he's in denial about his addiction to porn)
I'm scared and nervous for him, and what will come out and what charges/sentencing he will get. I haven't decided at this point to stay or leave, although my I know what my mam would want. And I don't feel I can make a choice until I have full disclosure and confirmation of his charges.
So I got the knock last week. Partner had been arrested somewhere and the house was searched and his old mobile and laptop taken.
When he returned that night he admitted that he had been chatting to a girl on Kik that he originally believed was 18, however it was then stated that the girl was 15 and he arranged to meet. Turns out it was a police decoy and he was arrested at the "meeting".
I asked if there was anything sexual and he said no, but flirting. I asked what was said about the arranged meet and whether it was for sex and he said no, so I asked what was intended in the messages and he said that it was just to hang out. I asked why he went and why he was planning to meet and he said he was curious. I asked if there had been any sexual images sent or received and he said no, just of his face.
Ever since I have googled sentencing, likelihood of sentences and, if what he is telling me is true, then I don't know what to expect. Is flirting classed as sexual? I know the main pin point will be that he arranged a meeting and physically went, which will be what gets him. He has no prior convictions or involvement with the police.
I asked if there was anything else he needed to tell me as the police have all his devices and he said nothing, but there will be adult porn for sure (I believe he's in denial about his addiction to porn)
I'm scared and nervous for him, and what will come out and what charges/sentencing he will get. I haven't decided at this point to stay or leave, although my I know what my mam would want. And I don't feel I can make a choice until I have full disclosure and confirmation of his charges.
Hard as it is, I think taking things one day at a time and trying not to worry about outcomes at this point is the best option.
Instead look at what he can do to understand his behaviour and get support with that aspect.
It can take months, even years to get to an outcome I'm sorry to say.
Definitely don't rush to make any decisions. Give yourself time to process what is happening x
Instead look at what he can do to understand his behaviour and get support with that aspect.
It can take months, even years to get to an outcome I'm sorry to say.
Definitely don't rush to make any decisions. Give yourself time to process what is happening x
Thanks, I'm trying. I'm an overthinker anyway and this is completely out of my control and scope of knowledge in. And what I've seen so far I'm expecting the worse.
He said a day or two after his arrest someone called to check on his mental health and have arranged for him to have a talk with someone this week. I'm hoping that through these conversations he begins to realise he has issues with pornography. As right now I don't believe it's all sank in for him. He said he just feels a bit numb and is trying to just get on with stuff so it doesn't consume him. I wish I could do the same.
Im really hoping that through this he gets the help he needs to make him a better person.
He said a day or two after his arrest someone called to check on his mental health and have arranged for him to have a talk with someone this week. I'm hoping that through these conversations he begins to realise he has issues with pornography. As right now I don't believe it's all sank in for him. He said he just feels a bit numb and is trying to just get on with stuff so it doesn't consume him. I wish I could do the same.
Im really hoping that through this he gets the help he needs to make him a better person.
I'm an overthinker as well and my goodness do I hear you! Try as I might the "what ifs" still plague my life.
Distraction techniques can be helpful when you realise you're dwelling, or for me personally sometimes allowing myself a few days of feeling utterly miserable and facing the worst possibilities is surprisingly therapeutic. I lock too many of my emotions away to "just get on with it" but they need to come out sometimes.
I hope your partner can get the support he needs and this becomes a positive change in the long run. It's an awful position to be in but sometimes it's the rock bottom some men need to get that help.
Distraction techniques can be helpful when you realise you're dwelling, or for me personally sometimes allowing myself a few days of feeling utterly miserable and facing the worst possibilities is surprisingly therapeutic. I lock too many of my emotions away to "just get on with it" but they need to come out sometimes.
I hope your partner can get the support he needs and this becomes a positive change in the long run. It's an awful position to be in but sometimes it's the rock bottom some men need to get that help.
It is still early days so it might take him some time to be more honest (that is if he hasn't been fully open this far). The Lucy faithful web course pages are good in the meantime but he should also consider getting one t one help for porn addiction and there is the inform course run by Lucy faithful. The course helped my partner see the impact of his offending and what were the triggers to avoid doing it again.
Take it day by day, this will be a long process I'm afraid. Please come back to the forum as you wish. Big hugs
Take it day by day, this will be a long process I'm afraid. Please come back to the forum as you wish. Big hugs
Thank you, I will check these out and offer them to him. I know he can only help himself. I feel powerless as it's all on him to do these things. I don't want to keep hounding him about it either though if he's not ready.
I've tried to tell him that he needs to be doing all he can to get help and do therapies. As he needs to now prove to the police and courts that deep down he isn't the man that they have by name in a file on a computer screen, and that he need to show that he knows he's done wrong and can prove he can changed. I still think he's just all too shocked to take it in.
Does anyone know how much these courses and seeking councilling will help him when it comes to a sentencing? Do they look at this kind of thing?
I've tried to tell him that he needs to be doing all he can to get help and do therapies. As he needs to now prove to the police and courts that deep down he isn't the man that they have by name in a file on a computer screen, and that he need to show that he knows he's done wrong and can prove he can changed. I still think he's just all too shocked to take it in.
Does anyone know how much these courses and seeking councilling will help him when it comes to a sentencing? Do they look at this kind of thing?
The inform course I believe was about £700 and there is an option for a payment plan. There is one available for family and friends (a donation is requested).
Stop it now have a database of therapists which are trained in such matter. But all at a cost I think. Do something is better than 'nothing', but it isn't always clear if it helps courts decision. My partner has been accused of doing these courses as a tick box to lessen his sentence but if he did nothing they would have said he wasn't taking it seriously! He was damned if he did, damned if he didn't. But it is important offenders get help as soon as they can and it can take years to get to a conclusion.
If it does go to worst case and sentenced rehabilitation courses are likely. My partner had to do a few despite him doing Lucy faithful already. But it took over two years to the sentence, and he needed the help in advance.
Stop it now have a database of therapists which are trained in such matter. But all at a cost I think. Do something is better than 'nothing', but it isn't always clear if it helps courts decision. My partner has been accused of doing these courses as a tick box to lessen his sentence but if he did nothing they would have said he wasn't taking it seriously! He was damned if he did, damned if he didn't. But it is important offenders get help as soon as they can and it can take years to get to a conclusion.
If it does go to worst case and sentenced rehabilitation courses are likely. My partner had to do a few despite him doing Lucy faithful already. But it took over two years to the sentence, and he needed the help in advance.
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