Suddenly a Single Mother
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Three weeks ago I gave birth to our forth child, our first son, everything was incredible. We were planning for our family's future, discussing having more children. Then, one week ago, the NCA knocked on the door and 6am and took my husband. It's been a whirlwind of a week, and I feel like I'm waiting to get back to normal life but then it hits me and I remember this is normal life now. I've become a single mother to a 5yo, 2yo, 1yo, and 3wo. This is just insane. My husband is currently living as a in-patient in a mental health hospital which is the best place for him to be. I am choosing to stand by him and support him through this, my family are not happy about my decision. Our social worker approved a supervised Christmas visit in our home but no one will consent to being here to supervise. I'm broken. How is this my life? How am I going to do this and hold this family together when I'm in pieces? Everyone keeps telling me to be strong and take it day by day, but I need to cry, I need to talk about how I feel and how much I miss my husband, the man that I vowed to love through all the ctap life throws at us. I'm expected to just stop loving him and file for divorce. But I adore him, he's still the same man I loved last week, I just know more about the darkness inside him now.
I'm just venting here but I'd love to be able to connect with someone going through a similar experience.
Thanks,
Anne
I'm just venting here but I'd love to be able to connect with someone going through a similar experience.
Thanks,
Anne
Hi Anne
After reading your post I felt the need to reply to you. I am so sorry you find yourself in the situation that no one wishes to be in.
I hope you receive some other responses from other members that find themselves in a situation similar to you. Our situation is somewhat different to you as the member of our family is a youth.
I hope you are managing to look after yourself and have made contact with the helpline for support.
Your first post, whilst being verified, has managed to get lost within lots of other postings, so I do hope you receive some helpful replies from other members soon.
Take care x
After reading your post I felt the need to reply to you. I am so sorry you find yourself in the situation that no one wishes to be in.
I hope you receive some other responses from other members that find themselves in a situation similar to you. Our situation is somewhat different to you as the member of our family is a youth.
I hope you are managing to look after yourself and have made contact with the helpline for support.
Your first post, whilst being verified, has managed to get lost within lots of other postings, so I do hope you receive some helpful replies from other members soon.
Take care x
Hello,
Whilst I am two year down the line from you I cam certainly empathise.
My children were 8yo and 8mo when my now ex was arrested- certainly not as busy as you. I never expected to be a single parent. It was extremely difficult especially dealing with the feelings of grief, financial pressures and just general sense of guilt about every choice I made.
I hope it's not patronising to say it does get easier. The clouds will lift and you'll find your stride.
I hope you have support from friends and family xxx
Whilst I am two year down the line from you I cam certainly empathise.
My children were 8yo and 8mo when my now ex was arrested- certainly not as busy as you. I never expected to be a single parent. It was extremely difficult especially dealing with the feelings of grief, financial pressures and just general sense of guilt about every choice I made.
I hope it's not patronising to say it does get easier. The clouds will lift and you'll find your stride.
I hope you have support from friends and family xxx
Hey AnneStan,
Whilst I don't have children which I know makes this journey ten times harder I just wanted to send you my love and support. I've seen many incredible, strong women go through this over my 9 months on this forum and I have no doubt you will muddle through this too. We're all here for you if you need to rant and let things out and if you have questions there are plenty of knowledgable ladies on here.
Thinking of you xx
Just realised it reads as though I'm saying it makes it harder not having kids! I meant the other way round!
Whilst I don't have children which I know makes this journey ten times harder I just wanted to send you my love and support. I've seen many incredible, strong women go through this over my 9 months on this forum and I have no doubt you will muddle through this too. We're all here for you if you need to rant and let things out and if you have questions there are plenty of knowledgable ladies on here.
Thinking of you xx
Just realised it reads as though I'm saying it makes it harder not having kids! I meant the other way round!
Dear Anne
I am in very similar situation. It really does break my heart to know that anyone is experiencing these feelings. I have no advice to give as I'm at week 6 and still completely dazed and confused.
I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry that you have to live through this, whether I know you or not x
I am in very similar situation. It really does break my heart to know that anyone is experiencing these feelings. I have no advice to give as I'm at week 6 and still completely dazed and confused.
I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry that you have to live through this, whether I know you or not x
Hi Anne
sorry you also find yourself here.
Do you not have a close friend you could confide in who may supervise? Would SS not? Tell SS you need a contact centre arranged if that's what you decide.
Sarah - when you say you're 2 years down the line has your partner been charged and are you starting to rebuild your life?
sorry you also find yourself here.
Do you not have a close friend you could confide in who may supervise? Would SS not? Tell SS you need a contact centre arranged if that's what you decide.
Sarah - when you say you're 2 years down the line has your partner been charged and are you starting to rebuild your life?
Hi Jayjay,
We've made it through sentencing. He's currently serving 12 months custodial so I'm completely single parenting. It's tough work but we keep busy and filling my girls with happy memories.
Rebuild in progress. It's going to take some time. Good friends and family help.
X
We've made it through sentencing. He's currently serving 12 months custodial so I'm completely single parenting. It's tough work but we keep busy and filling my girls with happy memories.
Rebuild in progress. It's going to take some time. Good friends and family help.
X
Well done for getting to this point Sarah, you sound so positive and I'm sure you're a wonderful single parent, could I ask what you told your girls about where their dad is and what he's done? What is your partners plans when he gets out, where will be live etc? X
Don't get me wrong it's been tough but my children deserve to have a good time. I'd love a day off though!
I told my eldest daughter (almost 10) that he had sent some pictures which were illegal. She asked lots of questions about did he know they were illegal. I just had to reply honestly but age appropriately. Always using the tag line 'he did a bad thing, he's not a bad person because of it'. She's always been a daddy's girl. That won't change. My youngest is two so doesn't really get it.
We have separated but we were heading down that path before arrest I think. He's not allowed to live with his children anyhow. SHPO restrictions. I'll have to supervise contact too I imagine. I'm hoping they'll find him suitable accommodation before he leaves prison.
I told my eldest daughter (almost 10) that he had sent some pictures which were illegal. She asked lots of questions about did he know they were illegal. I just had to reply honestly but age appropriately. Always using the tag line 'he did a bad thing, he's not a bad person because of it'. She's always been a daddy's girl. That won't change. My youngest is two so doesn't really get it.
We have separated but we were heading down that path before arrest I think. He's not allowed to live with his children anyhow. SHPO restrictions. I'll have to supervise contact too I imagine. I'm hoping they'll find him suitable accommodation before he leaves prison.
Hi ladies, I'm sorry I haven't replied until now. I've put myself in bubble of denial and just tried not to think about what's happened too deeply. It's getting real now though as my husband is living in emergency accommodation just down the road from home. I miss him so much and he's so near. I've met him outside the flat when the kids were all asleep and we had a glass of wine together, I kept the baby monitor with me so I could hear my babies. It was so nice just to hug him and talk to him in person. I assume SS wouldn't be ecstatic about this but I don't see why they should have anything to do with our marriage. Am I being naive?
I hate that we have to get permission from SS to be together as a family. My kids are hurting because daddy's not here, my 2yo has become very clingy and she often talks about being sad because she wants daddy. It breaks my heart, and his. My husband is not a child molester, he adores our children and would never harm them. He made a stupid mistake and now we're all paying for it. What angers me is that our children have to suffer because of this, and our newborn son doesn't know his daddy. I can't be angry with him because the only thing getting me through this is the hope that he will eventually come home and we can be a family again and put this behind us. If I'm angry with him then I have to admit that this is all his fault. For now I'm angry with the police and SS for taking our protector and provider away from us. I just can't be angry with my husband because I know the truth of why we're in this situation and I have compassion for him in his brokenness, his humanity.
The main thing I'm struggling with is what to do with my kids all day! My eldest is at school so I'm home with the little ones, the TV is on most of the time and I can't take them to any groups because socialising is too much right now. I'll figure it out I guess. Once spring comes we'll be able to go on walks etc more often. It's just hard.
This was long! Thank you if you got this far.
I hate that we have to get permission from SS to be together as a family. My kids are hurting because daddy's not here, my 2yo has become very clingy and she often talks about being sad because she wants daddy. It breaks my heart, and his. My husband is not a child molester, he adores our children and would never harm them. He made a stupid mistake and now we're all paying for it. What angers me is that our children have to suffer because of this, and our newborn son doesn't know his daddy. I can't be angry with him because the only thing getting me through this is the hope that he will eventually come home and we can be a family again and put this behind us. If I'm angry with him then I have to admit that this is all his fault. For now I'm angry with the police and SS for taking our protector and provider away from us. I just can't be angry with my husband because I know the truth of why we're in this situation and I have compassion for him in his brokenness, his humanity.
The main thing I'm struggling with is what to do with my kids all day! My eldest is at school so I'm home with the little ones, the TV is on most of the time and I can't take them to any groups because socialising is too much right now. I'll figure it out I guess. Once spring comes we'll be able to go on walks etc more often. It's just hard.
This was long! Thank you if you got this far.
Sarah how is your 10 year old now? Has she told anyone why her dad did, school, friends etc? SW wants to tell mine but I do not atm
hi Anne what is his charges? Hve you asked if you can supervise visits ? No reason why you can't see him alone, up to SW about the children. Try to get out every day whether it's a walk to the park, jumping in muddy puddles or an ice cream at the beach.
Oh my goodness Annestan, I could have almost written this myself.
We got the knock on the 14th December. And since then my world has been in tatters. I only have 2 children (5yo and 1yo) and that's bloody hard enough. I hope you're managing ok. My husband has bail conditions which say he cannot see the kids or be in/near the family home.
I feel so angry with the police and SS as you have said, he was meant to be the one here to look after us, and they've taken him away. I know it's his actions which have lead us here but we had a very difficult and frank conversation last week, and he is truly broken. There was more broken inside him from a long time ago that I never even knew about. (He suffered a horrible childhood which he had largely kept hidden from me). I know none of that makes any of this ok, but I feel as though he needs a lot of help to get through this.
I want to support him. My kids love and miss their daddy so much, he was an incredible father and husband. We'd only got married in October! My family has completely disowned him, he is a "filthy paedophile" in their eyes and nothing will change that. I feel as though I can't be honest with them now about how I still feel about my husband.
It's honestly the most difficult situation to be in and I'm so sorry you're going through this too. We can be each other's strength on here.
I really appreciate all these incredibly strong women, even though I've only been here a couple of weeks.
Sending hugs and solidarity to you and everyone else needing it today x
We got the knock on the 14th December. And since then my world has been in tatters. I only have 2 children (5yo and 1yo) and that's bloody hard enough. I hope you're managing ok. My husband has bail conditions which say he cannot see the kids or be in/near the family home.
I feel so angry with the police and SS as you have said, he was meant to be the one here to look after us, and they've taken him away. I know it's his actions which have lead us here but we had a very difficult and frank conversation last week, and he is truly broken. There was more broken inside him from a long time ago that I never even knew about. (He suffered a horrible childhood which he had largely kept hidden from me). I know none of that makes any of this ok, but I feel as though he needs a lot of help to get through this.
I want to support him. My kids love and miss their daddy so much, he was an incredible father and husband. We'd only got married in October! My family has completely disowned him, he is a "filthy paedophile" in their eyes and nothing will change that. I feel as though I can't be honest with them now about how I still feel about my husband.
It's honestly the most difficult situation to be in and I'm so sorry you're going through this too. We can be each other's strength on here.
I really appreciate all these incredibly strong women, even though I've only been here a couple of weeks.
Sending hugs and solidarity to you and everyone else needing it today x
Hi Anne,
Very sorry you're in this situation... One thing you said concerns me
If I'm angry with him then I have to admit that this is all his fault
Bottling up anger is not a good coping mechanism.. I should know because I do it..
Have you actually thought about the fact that it might be his fault?
We're in this situation because of my partner... It's his fault .. However, that doesn't mean that I don't understand why he did what he did... He's explored it through therapy... We've talked about it...
It's very early days so don't make any rash decisions and congrats on your newborn!
Very sorry you're in this situation... One thing you said concerns me
If I'm angry with him then I have to admit that this is all his fault
Bottling up anger is not a good coping mechanism.. I should know because I do it..
Have you actually thought about the fact that it might be his fault?
We're in this situation because of my partner... It's his fault .. However, that doesn't mean that I don't understand why he did what he did... He's explored it through therapy... We've talked about it...
It's very early days so don't make any rash decisions and congrats on your newborn!