Facing reality and lost dreams and hopes
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I've replied to a couple of posts, but this is my first post. I've survived the last few days and feel like the reality is just hitting me as we need to face some very practical and emotional decisions.
My partner and I live apart, I'd planned to leave my job in the new year to move to his home and start a family. Family and friends knew of our plans and are so excited for us. The reality that he'll likely get a custodial sentence combined with my age means that is not likely to happen. Although we've known each other for 3 years and I love him so very much, we've been together only a year and a half a custodial sentence may be too much in reality for our relationship would survive. The offence happened prior to us being a couple.
I'm hurting so much, hurting for the likely loss of the family we may have had and trying to think about what I may now decide to do alone. Hurt and sad for the likely loss of our relationship. Hurt and sad for him and what he'll loose. The man I know is soft, gentle, loving and kind but like so many men he doesn't talk about his emotions and when things get on top of him he acts out it way that are destructive or enable him to escape, mainly through porn and other sexual online chats.
I'm now confronted with what to tell family and friends that will ask about our plans. I don't want to tell them the truth (I'm hoping there is chance this may not come to the worst) but in not doing that I'm holding so much pain, hurt and hope inside me that they'll never know or understand. I hate the thought of lying to them.
In some ways I'm very fortunate that we live in separate homes and no children, but at the same time we are both carrying a different kind of burden. As he lives alone he's got to pack his whole house away into storage and find homes for his pets ready for a potential custodial sentence, I'm facing the prospect of not becoming a mother or choosing to go it alone. Our dreams were only just getting started.
I feel so lonely and sad. The time of year makes it so much worse, with all the celebrations and then practical things with solicitors and therapy not moving forward.
My partner and I live apart, I'd planned to leave my job in the new year to move to his home and start a family. Family and friends knew of our plans and are so excited for us. The reality that he'll likely get a custodial sentence combined with my age means that is not likely to happen. Although we've known each other for 3 years and I love him so very much, we've been together only a year and a half a custodial sentence may be too much in reality for our relationship would survive. The offence happened prior to us being a couple.
I'm hurting so much, hurting for the likely loss of the family we may have had and trying to think about what I may now decide to do alone. Hurt and sad for the likely loss of our relationship. Hurt and sad for him and what he'll loose. The man I know is soft, gentle, loving and kind but like so many men he doesn't talk about his emotions and when things get on top of him he acts out it way that are destructive or enable him to escape, mainly through porn and other sexual online chats.
I'm now confronted with what to tell family and friends that will ask about our plans. I don't want to tell them the truth (I'm hoping there is chance this may not come to the worst) but in not doing that I'm holding so much pain, hurt and hope inside me that they'll never know or understand. I hate the thought of lying to them.
In some ways I'm very fortunate that we live in separate homes and no children, but at the same time we are both carrying a different kind of burden. As he lives alone he's got to pack his whole house away into storage and find homes for his pets ready for a potential custodial sentence, I'm facing the prospect of not becoming a mother or choosing to go it alone. Our dreams were only just getting started.
I feel so lonely and sad. The time of year makes it so much worse, with all the celebrations and then practical things with solicitors and therapy not moving forward.
As usual Lee is "on the money" with her wise words. Although we all have something in common on this forum every story is different and every person will have pros and cons to weigh up before they make very big, possibly life changing, decisions. I am in my 60s, thirty years into my marriage with retirement in view. I have decided to remain with my husband but if I was in your position I might well have come to a different conclusion.
It is a very tough choice with no guarantees whichever direction you choose. As Lee said it might be useful to talk through your options with someone neutral such as a counsellor who can help you decide what is most important to you. The only thing I would add is please don't stay because you would feel guilty by leaving. That kind of emotion would eventually breed resentment and neither of you deserve that.
It is a very tough choice with no guarantees whichever direction you choose. As Lee said it might be useful to talk through your options with someone neutral such as a counsellor who can help you decide what is most important to you. The only thing I would add is please don't stay because you would feel guilty by leaving. That kind of emotion would eventually breed resentment and neither of you deserve that.
Judith and Lee1969 thank you so much for responding and being so kind.
He was arrested and charged just under 3 weeks ago. He had a conversation with another adult about a child. The adult was a undercover police officer. He didn't meet them or arrange to meet them. The activity happened just before we got together.
I am almost 40, so time for a family is ticking. Unless something significant changes I intend to support and stick by him until sentencing and I won't make any decisions on any personal choices there after until that date. I love him and simply can't leave him to go through this alone. What happens after sentencing will depend on the outcome. I definitely don't feel obligated or guilted into standing by him, he's put no pressure on me to stay he knew how much having a family meant to me and how this may impact that chance.
I worry though that if/when this comes out or I have to share it, people will question why I stuck by someone when in comparison I had little to loose and less ties to keep me with him - But that isn't how love works.
I feel like I want to hide away from everyone and not have to make excuses as to why I've not yet handed my notice in etc. But it's something I know I won't be able to escape from in January.
He was arrested and charged just under 3 weeks ago. He had a conversation with another adult about a child. The adult was a undercover police officer. He didn't meet them or arrange to meet them. The activity happened just before we got together.
I am almost 40, so time for a family is ticking. Unless something significant changes I intend to support and stick by him until sentencing and I won't make any decisions on any personal choices there after until that date. I love him and simply can't leave him to go through this alone. What happens after sentencing will depend on the outcome. I definitely don't feel obligated or guilted into standing by him, he's put no pressure on me to stay he knew how much having a family meant to me and how this may impact that chance.
I worry though that if/when this comes out or I have to share it, people will question why I stuck by someone when in comparison I had little to loose and less ties to keep me with him - But that isn't how love works.
I feel like I want to hide away from everyone and not have to make excuses as to why I've not yet handed my notice in etc. But it's something I know I won't be able to escape from in January.
Evening SAL
I cant give you any advise as it's my son who is on this journey but just wanted to say you will have nothing but support from this forum and also wanted to send you hugs xx
I cant give you any advise as it's my son who is on this journey but just wanted to say you will have nothing but support from this forum and also wanted to send you hugs xx
Hey SAL,
Sending massive hugs to you I can feel your pain and angst through my screen :(. I know exactly what you mean in regards to having kids etc as me and my partner were planning on marriage and kids and that horrible clock us women are gifted at birth certainly does tick by! All I can say is wait to see what happens and maybe it'll help you decide what you want to do once the trial and sentencing has happened. It's such an awful thing to go through, particularly when you've kept it from friends and family. I hope you're partner is dealt with fairly and you decide to do whatever makes you happy. One thing I keep telling myself is, regardless of if the outcome is the worst possible, at least it'll all be over soon!
Lots of love xxx
Sending massive hugs to you I can feel your pain and angst through my screen :(. I know exactly what you mean in regards to having kids etc as me and my partner were planning on marriage and kids and that horrible clock us women are gifted at birth certainly does tick by! All I can say is wait to see what happens and maybe it'll help you decide what you want to do once the trial and sentencing has happened. It's such an awful thing to go through, particularly when you've kept it from friends and family. I hope you're partner is dealt with fairly and you decide to do whatever makes you happy. One thing I keep telling myself is, regardless of if the outcome is the worst possible, at least it'll all be over soon!
Lots of love xxx
Hi SAL
I understand how you are feeling. I feel as though I think the same as you. We were planning to start a family next year, had told family and friend that this was in our planning. I am the last one in my family to get married and have children so everyone was super excited for us. We have just bought a house this year and I feel like my whole world has collapsed.
I still haven't decided, and I am still trying to come to terms although it's still very early days for me, only 2 weeks in so far. No charges, devices taken, RUI. I haven imagined worst case scenario which I fully may guess will be a prison sentence. And it terrifies me.
As everyone on here says there are no easy choices, and no one can tell you what to do. I sometimes think I should leave as it would be easier, but I'm not prepared to let go of the future we had planned. He isn't a bad person and has fallen down a rabbit hole. Part of me thinks that past this, with seeking the help and rehabilitation he needs, he may be ome the best possible version of himself.
I understand your confusion and worries, and I'm sending you all my good thoughts.
I understand how you are feeling. I feel as though I think the same as you. We were planning to start a family next year, had told family and friend that this was in our planning. I am the last one in my family to get married and have children so everyone was super excited for us. We have just bought a house this year and I feel like my whole world has collapsed.
I still haven't decided, and I am still trying to come to terms although it's still very early days for me, only 2 weeks in so far. No charges, devices taken, RUI. I haven imagined worst case scenario which I fully may guess will be a prison sentence. And it terrifies me.
As everyone on here says there are no easy choices, and no one can tell you what to do. I sometimes think I should leave as it would be easier, but I'm not prepared to let go of the future we had planned. He isn't a bad person and has fallen down a rabbit hole. Part of me thinks that past this, with seeking the help and rehabilitation he needs, he may be ome the best possible version of himself.
I understand your confusion and worries, and I'm sending you all my good thoughts.
I'm sorry you both find yourself in such a similar position. The pain when thinking about our future not being what we'd hoped is excruciatingly painful.
Sometimes I'm able to push it aside and focus on the practical things but then it hits me hard. I stayed in a hotel near my partner last night, felt we both needed a little space but I also couldn't bring myself to be with family and friends who'd be excited to hear about of first Christmas together. I will tell them something but I can't bring myself to do it yet - I know I'll feel better once I do and it'll be a relief.
So true BaffledB that is one thing that does help, every day that goes by is a days progress.
Sometimes I'm able to push it aside and focus on the practical things but then it hits me hard. I stayed in a hotel near my partner last night, felt we both needed a little space but I also couldn't bring myself to be with family and friends who'd be excited to hear about of first Christmas together. I will tell them something but I can't bring myself to do it yet - I know I'll feel better once I do and it'll be a relief.
So true BaffledB that is one thing that does help, every day that goes by is a days progress.