How to tackle this situation
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I am so very new to all this and have lots of questions on how I can help my son through this.
I know he as done wrong but I do still think there is good in there somewhere.
So could you all please give me some tips how on how you coped right at the beginning of your journeys
Many thanks X
I know he as done wrong but I do still think there is good in there somewhere.
So could you all please give me some tips how on how you coped right at the beginning of your journeys
Many thanks X
Mum50
If only.we could reach out and talk xx
This forum is a godsend
Lee offers so.much advice and support its early days for you and your son just be kind to yourself as a mum we look to see where we let them down and want to make it better but we cant
Just know you are not alone in this we are here xx
If only.we could reach out and talk xx
This forum is a godsend
Lee offers so.much advice and support its early days for you and your son just be kind to yourself as a mum we look to see where we let them down and want to make it better but we cant
Just know you are not alone in this we are here xx
Thank you Lee 1969
My head is fully of unanswered questions at the moment.
My son as not denied anything so far though I know there us a lot more to come not answered me honestly yet that's why I want him to get help but I want him to do that for himself not me.
Without going into it to deeply at the moment I reckon it's been a while He lived on his own for the last 4 years really as had no stable relationships though He is a very kind hearted person.
He let himself go became a slob himself and his flat had no pride in himself I told him a while back he needed to love himself.
I just can not get my head round how it got to this
I'm hurt angry and confused
Thank you Lee for answering my post yes I have thought about ring the helpline I'm just not sure how to start the conversation I feel better writing it down than saying it. X
My head is fully of unanswered questions at the moment.
My son as not denied anything so far though I know there us a lot more to come not answered me honestly yet that's why I want him to get help but I want him to do that for himself not me.
Without going into it to deeply at the moment I reckon it's been a while He lived on his own for the last 4 years really as had no stable relationships though He is a very kind hearted person.
He let himself go became a slob himself and his flat had no pride in himself I told him a while back he needed to love himself.
I just can not get my head round how it got to this
I'm hurt angry and confused
Thank you Lee for answering my post yes I have thought about ring the helpline I'm just not sure how to start the conversation I feel better writing it down than saying it. X
Mum50
The helpline is amazing my first call started of with me in tears and slowly they encouraged me.to talk they are non judgemental give it a go they offer support and advice xx
The helpline is amazing my first call started of with me in tears and slowly they encouraged me.to talk they are non judgemental give it a go they offer support and advice xx
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Post deleted by user
Hi Mum50, the other ladies are right - look after yourself, don't make any sudden decisions, use the helpline and this forum. What Smile said about confrontation is great advice too; my son and I had some horrendous rows in the early days. His therapist suggested that we said aside half an hour a day, at a particular time, to have a meeting to discuss anything that we needed to - it worked really well and I would recommend this xx
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Again I thank you for your advice.
My son is not a teenager he is 28 as lived on his own for 4 years. And really became a slob nothing mattered self esteem respect all went out the window.
He is now living with us again as he does not want to be by himself incase it gets out etc so we are now trying to see if he can swap his flat to be closer to us .
I try so hard to not criticise I want to help not make it any worse than what it is .
I find talking to you all on here a tremendous help it as kept me sane this past week.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart I could not have faced this week with out you all.
Now to carry on
X
My son is not a teenager he is 28 as lived on his own for 4 years. And really became a slob nothing mattered self esteem respect all went out the window.
He is now living with us again as he does not want to be by himself incase it gets out etc so we are now trying to see if he can swap his flat to be closer to us .
I try so hard to not criticise I want to help not make it any worse than what it is .
I find talking to you all on here a tremendous help it as kept me sane this past week.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart I could not have faced this week with out you all.
Now to carry on
X
Again I thank you for your advice.
My son is not a teenager he is 28 as lived on his own for 4 years. And really became a slob nothing mattered self esteem respect all went out the window.
He is now living with us again as he does not want to be by himself incase it gets out etc so we are now trying to see if he can swap his flat to be closer to us .
I try so hard to not criticise I want to help not make it any worse than what it is .
I find talking to you all on here a tremendous help it as kept me sane this past week.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart I could not have faced this week with out you all.
Now to carry on
X
My son is not a teenager he is 28 as lived on his own for 4 years. And really became a slob nothing mattered self esteem respect all went out the window.
He is now living with us again as he does not want to be by himself incase it gets out etc so we are now trying to see if he can swap his flat to be closer to us .
I try so hard to not criticise I want to help not make it any worse than what it is .
I find talking to you all on here a tremendous help it as kept me sane this past week.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart I could not have faced this week with out you all.
Now to carry on
X
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It's so hard to try and remove the crime from the person you love but I do, I can't help but feel it is a mental illness and they need support. I love my family member so much and will always! I feel happy he is getting a custodial sentence as he will get the help he needs and will be safer. And when the time comes we can work out a plan for a him getting out and making sure he stays in a good place. He was always left to himself and always like a deer in headlights waiting to be caught when we think back. Hope you've all had a lovely Christmas xxx
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I think I know where your coming from ladies but I don't know if my son would cope with prison.
Don't get me wrong he should have thought about that when he done the crime as they say.
As you all know I'm very new to all this I still have a long bumpy road ahead but I will stick by him I am not sure what I'm going to find on my way but that will be another bridge I will have to cross.
Sad fact that I found all you lovely people for the wrong reasons but I'm so grateful I found you.
Stay safe X
Don't get me wrong he should have thought about that when he done the crime as they say.
As you all know I'm very new to all this I still have a long bumpy road ahead but I will stick by him I am not sure what I'm going to find on my way but that will be another bridge I will have to cross.
Sad fact that I found all you lovely people for the wrong reasons but I'm so grateful I found you.
Stay safe X
MUM50
I know what you mean I would of said the same about my family member but prison isn't that bad, it isn't like the movies and tv shows so If you feel it might go down that route please don't worry. Xxx
I know what you mean I would of said the same about my family member but prison isn't that bad, it isn't like the movies and tv shows so If you feel it might go down that route please don't worry. Xxx
Post deleted by user
To the Mum's here that are struggling to understand their sons or feeling there sons not talking.
Many years ago a male friend with whom I had a relatively emotionally intimate friendship was feeling extremely low and lost and lonely. We talked around this for a while, exchanging our own thoughts, feelings and what we wanted from life.
Throughout our friendship we would quite openly talk about and joke about the porn and the amount of porn he watched, that he was non chasing non emotional sex online a lot.
His parents were aware he was feeling low and it was a recurrent feeling. His parents are supportive and kind and he knows he's well loved by them. In this specific conversation he jokingly said that he was a sex addiact and then said to me - "If I had a drug or alcohol problem I know I could talk to my parents and they would support and help me, but there is no way I could talk to them about sex". We jokingly Googled sex addict to see it it was a thing and the penny dropped when he watched the 17 minutes Paula Hall video, it set him on a journey to therapy.
The sentence of "If I had a drug or alcohol problem I know I could talk to my parents and they would support and help me buy there is no way I could talk to them about sex" says a lot. Sex just isn't something we talk to our parents about more so when moving from the mainsteam. From my experience with the friend there is likely to be a lot of self loathing going on, shame, embarrassment, feeling they are broken. They'll likely be wanting to be protecting you and not disappoint you further. And possibly feeling that they don't deserve your love and support and ironically showing them this may make that feel worse. I imagine all of these are heightened with the specific topics we are discussing here.
While you may want your sons to find a path themselves. I've supported a couple of friends in difficult emotional situations (male and female) that have it seems been almost paralysed and not able even contemplate the help they need let alone how to find it. If you are able to open a dialogue up of some sort this may pathe the way to gently introduce them to resources that are able to help them and for them to take away and work through themselves and decide what is best for them. I think it's important to let them know you are there for them and you'll help them when/ if they want it but to not put too much pressure on them, gently tapping away. Perhaps some joint therapy may help or some therapy on your own to try and understand how he might be feeling.
On a more personal note, I've had therapy myself for some issues I've struggled with and spoken to my parents about, what made it harder for me was when they got upset I then carried the additional burden of carrying their hurt. And when they asked about my therapy it added another level of burden because I didn't want to/couldn't share what I was unearthing because some of it hurt and because it related to things that happened in my childhood and with my parents and that was something I needed to work through on my own. My parents are wonderful, I had a great childhood and they love me very much but we all interpret situations differently and this has longer term impacts on how we see the world and ourselves.
I don't know if this will help, but it is an insight i have and thought it may be useful to share.
Many years ago a male friend with whom I had a relatively emotionally intimate friendship was feeling extremely low and lost and lonely. We talked around this for a while, exchanging our own thoughts, feelings and what we wanted from life.
Throughout our friendship we would quite openly talk about and joke about the porn and the amount of porn he watched, that he was non chasing non emotional sex online a lot.
His parents were aware he was feeling low and it was a recurrent feeling. His parents are supportive and kind and he knows he's well loved by them. In this specific conversation he jokingly said that he was a sex addiact and then said to me - "If I had a drug or alcohol problem I know I could talk to my parents and they would support and help me, but there is no way I could talk to them about sex". We jokingly Googled sex addict to see it it was a thing and the penny dropped when he watched the 17 minutes Paula Hall video, it set him on a journey to therapy.
The sentence of "If I had a drug or alcohol problem I know I could talk to my parents and they would support and help me buy there is no way I could talk to them about sex" says a lot. Sex just isn't something we talk to our parents about more so when moving from the mainsteam. From my experience with the friend there is likely to be a lot of self loathing going on, shame, embarrassment, feeling they are broken. They'll likely be wanting to be protecting you and not disappoint you further. And possibly feeling that they don't deserve your love and support and ironically showing them this may make that feel worse. I imagine all of these are heightened with the specific topics we are discussing here.
While you may want your sons to find a path themselves. I've supported a couple of friends in difficult emotional situations (male and female) that have it seems been almost paralysed and not able even contemplate the help they need let alone how to find it. If you are able to open a dialogue up of some sort this may pathe the way to gently introduce them to resources that are able to help them and for them to take away and work through themselves and decide what is best for them. I think it's important to let them know you are there for them and you'll help them when/ if they want it but to not put too much pressure on them, gently tapping away. Perhaps some joint therapy may help or some therapy on your own to try and understand how he might be feeling.
On a more personal note, I've had therapy myself for some issues I've struggled with and spoken to my parents about, what made it harder for me was when they got upset I then carried the additional burden of carrying their hurt. And when they asked about my therapy it added another level of burden because I didn't want to/couldn't share what I was unearthing because some of it hurt and because it related to things that happened in my childhood and with my parents and that was something I needed to work through on my own. My parents are wonderful, I had a great childhood and they love me very much but we all interpret situations differently and this has longer term impacts on how we see the world and ourselves.
I don't know if this will help, but it is an insight i have and thought it may be useful to share.
Post deleted by user
Sal thank you for your in sight.
I am not sure my son can talk about his feelings to me to close and we are both firey and also emotional.i try not bombard him with questions or demands but it's my nature wrong you might be thinking.
I know I can't make him do anything he does not want to do but I feel he needs to be caring on forward at the moment.
He as moved back in with me and my husband till we sort accommodation nearer to us he gave his job up as he was feeling anxious going to work as he worked with his best friend that he actually told and then could not work along side again.
So it's been christmas but he as been in contact with the doctor universal credit and housing officer also been on Stopnow and been lucky to have a community police officer that actually helps him to so he as done lots.
Me my husband and my daughter who does live with us are the ones that are struggling my husband bottles up everything and daughter is hurt angry and confused and does not want anything to do with him at this present time.
I know I need help and was thinking of doing the inform corse anybody done this ?
Thanks for reading X
I am not sure my son can talk about his feelings to me to close and we are both firey and also emotional.i try not bombard him with questions or demands but it's my nature wrong you might be thinking.
I know I can't make him do anything he does not want to do but I feel he needs to be caring on forward at the moment.
He as moved back in with me and my husband till we sort accommodation nearer to us he gave his job up as he was feeling anxious going to work as he worked with his best friend that he actually told and then could not work along side again.
So it's been christmas but he as been in contact with the doctor universal credit and housing officer also been on Stopnow and been lucky to have a community police officer that actually helps him to so he as done lots.
Me my husband and my daughter who does live with us are the ones that are struggling my husband bottles up everything and daughter is hurt angry and confused and does not want anything to do with him at this present time.
I know I need help and was thinking of doing the inform corse anybody done this ?
Thanks for reading X
Lost 123
I feel anger then sad then confused then irritable it's such a strange feeling .
I feel anger then sad then confused then irritable it's such a strange feeling .
123
Yes I have talked to someone from the foundation last night
They gave me advice like you all have I could nit ring them I would find it difficult to talk so I used that chat line instead.
Do I feel any better I'm afraid no as I'm just dreading the day that this will go to court and the outcome.
I really don't know how to carry on my life as normal I have my son living with us now in case he harms himself or worse
But there is no light at the end of my tunnel
Bad morning feeling more lost
Sorry X
Yes I have talked to someone from the foundation last night
They gave me advice like you all have I could nit ring them I would find it difficult to talk so I used that chat line instead.
Do I feel any better I'm afraid no as I'm just dreading the day that this will go to court and the outcome.
I really don't know how to carry on my life as normal I have my son living with us now in case he harms himself or worse
But there is no light at the end of my tunnel
Bad morning feeling more lost
Sorry X
Lost 123
Thank you so much for your support I think I have it in my head that I will do this inform course in the new year. How do I find out about a nhs therapist and what course should my son be looking at?
What hurts so much is the lying I'm doing to my friends at the moment my son was part of their lives to so I'm already making excuse why I don't want to meet up and now we have a meal with 2 of them tomorrow evening being new years eve and we always spend it together and we just don't know what to do we have nothing to celebrate really.
Life is not a bed of roses.
X
Thank you so much for your support I think I have it in my head that I will do this inform course in the new year. How do I find out about a nhs therapist and what course should my son be looking at?
What hurts so much is the lying I'm doing to my friends at the moment my son was part of their lives to so I'm already making excuse why I don't want to meet up and now we have a meal with 2 of them tomorrow evening being new years eve and we always spend it together and we just don't know what to do we have nothing to celebrate really.
Life is not a bed of roses.
X