NO ACTION TAKEN BUT OUR FAMILY IS A MESS
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It's almost a year since our lives have been turned upside down.
Our teenage daughter made an allegation against her dad and also about seeing iioc. After 3 months our computer was returned - quick I know - with the police saying it was completely clean. One quick chat at the police station and a 3 month absence from home, all completely dismissed by police. No further action, no evidence, nothing that could be done even after CPS had looked at case.
All of this because our daughter was hyper focusing on abuse cases on the news and her dad told her off about her school uniform. Our daughter fixates on subjects and it now looks like she may be on the autistic spectrum. She has also told awful lies about friends and even myself - all totally unfounded.
Our daughter has some mhi and is starting to receive treatment. She has said awful things and then quickly retracted or forgotten what she has said. We now have a SW and a FSW. There was no evidence to back anything up that was said against her dad. He is on the verge of a mental breakdown (he was already hospitalised with extreme distress in September as it was thought he'd had a heart attack).
After spending 3 months in a B&B he was told to move back home and that there had been NO legal reason for him to have left the family home in the first place. No one has spoken to our daughter about why she made the allegation ..... all the details she gave the police in her one and only ABE interview were quite vague. So we have this huge elephant in the room. We were told by the original Social Worker and the police not to talk to her about it; even if she wants to talk about it (which she doesn't, as made clear by mental health practitioners) we have to refer to Social Worker.
My partner confided in his two best mates as he was so distraught. They have now distanced themselves from him ..... not even a merry Christmas text. He's now terrified they've said something and any day now there's going to be gossip in the village and what that will mean for all of us.
The police never arrested my partner, didn't talk to any of our other children, and as soon as the computer came back clean they stopped everything. The CPS couldn't take it any further.
We've had a CIN plan which the social services wanted to escalate to a child protection plan, but they couldn't as it was clear any harm being done was by my daughter and not from anyone else in the family. And yet on any official form/assessment this whole sorry subject is brought up and talked about as if the abuse (which my daughter said didn't happen and was when the kids used to play rough housing .... she has sensory issues as well as other issues going on). And the original allegation will stay on file for eternity. My partner has been absolutely devastated by this.
If we can't talk to our daughter about this (apparently reliving it, is tantamount to a form of abuse according the SW and police) then how are we ever going to move past this and begin to heal? Our current family support worker is totally bemused by this approach too. Given our daughter's mental state it's obviously not something that can just be brought up as there is a real risk of her doing something very serious to herself.
Sorry for long post - I just don't know who I can talk to.
Our teenage daughter made an allegation against her dad and also about seeing iioc. After 3 months our computer was returned - quick I know - with the police saying it was completely clean. One quick chat at the police station and a 3 month absence from home, all completely dismissed by police. No further action, no evidence, nothing that could be done even after CPS had looked at case.
All of this because our daughter was hyper focusing on abuse cases on the news and her dad told her off about her school uniform. Our daughter fixates on subjects and it now looks like she may be on the autistic spectrum. She has also told awful lies about friends and even myself - all totally unfounded.
Our daughter has some mhi and is starting to receive treatment. She has said awful things and then quickly retracted or forgotten what she has said. We now have a SW and a FSW. There was no evidence to back anything up that was said against her dad. He is on the verge of a mental breakdown (he was already hospitalised with extreme distress in September as it was thought he'd had a heart attack).
After spending 3 months in a B&B he was told to move back home and that there had been NO legal reason for him to have left the family home in the first place. No one has spoken to our daughter about why she made the allegation ..... all the details she gave the police in her one and only ABE interview were quite vague. So we have this huge elephant in the room. We were told by the original Social Worker and the police not to talk to her about it; even if she wants to talk about it (which she doesn't, as made clear by mental health practitioners) we have to refer to Social Worker.
My partner confided in his two best mates as he was so distraught. They have now distanced themselves from him ..... not even a merry Christmas text. He's now terrified they've said something and any day now there's going to be gossip in the village and what that will mean for all of us.
The police never arrested my partner, didn't talk to any of our other children, and as soon as the computer came back clean they stopped everything. The CPS couldn't take it any further.
We've had a CIN plan which the social services wanted to escalate to a child protection plan, but they couldn't as it was clear any harm being done was by my daughter and not from anyone else in the family. And yet on any official form/assessment this whole sorry subject is brought up and talked about as if the abuse (which my daughter said didn't happen and was when the kids used to play rough housing .... she has sensory issues as well as other issues going on). And the original allegation will stay on file for eternity. My partner has been absolutely devastated by this.
If we can't talk to our daughter about this (apparently reliving it, is tantamount to a form of abuse according the SW and police) then how are we ever going to move past this and begin to heal? Our current family support worker is totally bemused by this approach too. Given our daughter's mental state it's obviously not something that can just be brought up as there is a real risk of her doing something very serious to herself.
Sorry for long post - I just don't know who I can talk to.
Im so sorry to hear of your situation, it must be so very hard for your family!
My son self disclosed to abusing his sisters as a result of mental health issues - it hadn't happened. 10 months of bail conditions and we also had no further action.
I completely understand when you say that isn't the end of it. The questions, fears and what ifs remain for me as well as my son's difficulties. For yourselves there must be so much fear and anxiety that there could be a repeat and not being able to address the reasons behind the allegation must be very frustrating as it means you are nit able to get closure and start the healing process.
I highly recommend you and your husband go to social services and ask them to arrange counselling. You need to be able to talk about and process the inevitable trauma from this event as well as anxieties about the future. I know you haven't said this is the case but it would be entirely understandable and natural for either or both of you to feel resentment towards your daughter regarding this and I would say addressing that with support would be really important if that were the case and social services should recognise that and source you the support you need.
I too have been allocated a family support worker and she was able to refer me to their mental health support worker so this is another avenue you could explore. It sounds like yours is very supportive? Perhaps she could liaise with social services on your behalf regarding support or the reasons behind their decisions?
Also be aware that you can request a change of social worker if you feel unhappy with the way they are working with you. They need to recognise that you both need support with this and the impact of parents struggling on your daughter and other children.
Another option may be family support from your daughters mental health providers. You could contact them and explain how difficultbthe situation is and ask if They can offer anything to support the wider family. My son's support team have been incredibly understanding and have offered various support resources for myself.
I've had to accept there is much I will never know for sure - my son doesn't even know for sure what has been real and not. I've also had to accept a limit to my control and work hard to accept the choices that others make (my son is very up and down with his mental health, chooses to stop meds and take recreational drugs). I know this is exceptionally hard and probably not realistic in this moment but possibly something to work towards?
Sending love your way xx
My son self disclosed to abusing his sisters as a result of mental health issues - it hadn't happened. 10 months of bail conditions and we also had no further action.
I completely understand when you say that isn't the end of it. The questions, fears and what ifs remain for me as well as my son's difficulties. For yourselves there must be so much fear and anxiety that there could be a repeat and not being able to address the reasons behind the allegation must be very frustrating as it means you are nit able to get closure and start the healing process.
I highly recommend you and your husband go to social services and ask them to arrange counselling. You need to be able to talk about and process the inevitable trauma from this event as well as anxieties about the future. I know you haven't said this is the case but it would be entirely understandable and natural for either or both of you to feel resentment towards your daughter regarding this and I would say addressing that with support would be really important if that were the case and social services should recognise that and source you the support you need.
I too have been allocated a family support worker and she was able to refer me to their mental health support worker so this is another avenue you could explore. It sounds like yours is very supportive? Perhaps she could liaise with social services on your behalf regarding support or the reasons behind their decisions?
Also be aware that you can request a change of social worker if you feel unhappy with the way they are working with you. They need to recognise that you both need support with this and the impact of parents struggling on your daughter and other children.
Another option may be family support from your daughters mental health providers. You could contact them and explain how difficultbthe situation is and ask if They can offer anything to support the wider family. My son's support team have been incredibly understanding and have offered various support resources for myself.
I've had to accept there is much I will never know for sure - my son doesn't even know for sure what has been real and not. I've also had to accept a limit to my control and work hard to accept the choices that others make (my son is very up and down with his mental health, chooses to stop meds and take recreational drugs). I know this is exceptionally hard and probably not realistic in this moment but possibly something to work towards?
Sending love your way xx