Struggling - First time posting.
Notifications OFF
I found this forum a few months back & have lurked in the background, almost unable to reach out as I couldn't accept that this was our life now.
We got the knock on the 5th July 2021, I was at work at the time, the police rang me & asked me to return home. On my return the other half was gone & 4 officers where in my home. It was then they told me that he had been caught by a police decoy in a chat room & images shared. Computer & his phone were taken. The shock was awful, to add to the mess my job is managing a large service supporting victims of abuse, i have worked passionately in this area for 10yrs, working alongside different police localities.
The following day the police came again to interview our 15yr old daughter to ask her if anything had ever happened...it hadn't. Our 9yr old son is unaware of things as he is on the ASD spectrum & so delayed emotionally. Partner was now staying some miles away at his sisters as was not allowed unsupervised contact.
I told nobody & went off sick with "burn out" to give me time to absorb things. Four days after the knock the police called me again as they felt there may be images of my daughter, I had to view the images to confirm it was not her, I felt instant relief but then instant guilt as it was someone else's child. He was RUI.
I ended the relationship of 17yrs, so that in itself is a major life change, but with all this on top its such a struggle. Social services did not really seem too concerned as again they knew I work in safeguarding & had ended the relationship, this obviously may change when he is charged.
Six months on & I thought I was doing as well as I could adapting to being a single working mum with nobody knowing except my counsellor/GP. The police called the week prior to Christmas & said they had the evidence back & would be in contact in the new year. Since Monday I have felt extreme anxiety, fear, sadness of what is to come. This hurts on so many levels....he has completed various course with stop it now & has a solicitor recommended by them. I supervise any contact as I have nobody to ask as everyone thinks we have simply split up.
I'm so sorry for the long post but I am struggling tonight & wanted to reach out. Reading all your posts have really helped me not feel alone.
Xx
We got the knock on the 5th July 2021, I was at work at the time, the police rang me & asked me to return home. On my return the other half was gone & 4 officers where in my home. It was then they told me that he had been caught by a police decoy in a chat room & images shared. Computer & his phone were taken. The shock was awful, to add to the mess my job is managing a large service supporting victims of abuse, i have worked passionately in this area for 10yrs, working alongside different police localities.
The following day the police came again to interview our 15yr old daughter to ask her if anything had ever happened...it hadn't. Our 9yr old son is unaware of things as he is on the ASD spectrum & so delayed emotionally. Partner was now staying some miles away at his sisters as was not allowed unsupervised contact.
I told nobody & went off sick with "burn out" to give me time to absorb things. Four days after the knock the police called me again as they felt there may be images of my daughter, I had to view the images to confirm it was not her, I felt instant relief but then instant guilt as it was someone else's child. He was RUI.
I ended the relationship of 17yrs, so that in itself is a major life change, but with all this on top its such a struggle. Social services did not really seem too concerned as again they knew I work in safeguarding & had ended the relationship, this obviously may change when he is charged.
Six months on & I thought I was doing as well as I could adapting to being a single working mum with nobody knowing except my counsellor/GP. The police called the week prior to Christmas & said they had the evidence back & would be in contact in the new year. Since Monday I have felt extreme anxiety, fear, sadness of what is to come. This hurts on so many levels....he has completed various course with stop it now & has a solicitor recommended by them. I supervise any contact as I have nobody to ask as everyone thinks we have simply split up.
I'm so sorry for the long post but I am struggling tonight & wanted to reach out. Reading all your posts have really helped me not feel alone.
Xx
Hi Emeraldrose
So glad you have reached out and well done for posting about the journey you are on
In my case it is my son who has offended but it is still so hard to get your head around the whole situation all you can do is take each day at a time
Injust wanted to say you are certainly not alone in this so always post on here as there is so much advise and support
This group is one that no one wants to be in but this is a lifeline for many of us
Not much advise but just wanted to send love and hugs xx
So glad you have reached out and well done for posting about the journey you are on
In my case it is my son who has offended but it is still so hard to get your head around the whole situation all you can do is take each day at a time
Injust wanted to say you are certainly not alone in this so always post on here as there is so much advise and support
This group is one that no one wants to be in but this is a lifeline for many of us
Not much advise but just wanted to send love and hugs xx
Upset mum, thank you for your response. Sending love & strength to you too.
I typed & deleted so many times before finally submitting my post. I guess I feel so alone with all this.
Like you said, even though I have not actively been involved on here I have found everyone's post informative and helpful. Xx
I typed & deleted so many times before finally submitting my post. I guess I feel so alone with all this.
Like you said, even though I have not actively been involved on here I have found everyone's post informative and helpful. Xx
Hey Emerald!
It sounds like you've done really well over the last six months. I know what you mean about the anxiety, in the beginning it seems as though there will be a long wait as you're told by the police and also people on here so then when there are updates or charges it hits you like a tonne of bricks.
I can only imagine how hard it is as a parent to be in this situation as kids love their parents regardless of pretty much what they do so it must be hard to not have to explain why things have changed. There's not much I can advise other than that you can only do your best in these circumstances. I'm also going between phases of crapping myself to crying to being ok to not sleeping at the moment as my partner received his charges before Xmas (great timing huh?!).
It makes it unbearable sometimes not being able to speak to your friends/family about it and sometimes I want to tell people to shutup and stop meithering about rubbish because all I can think about is how drastically my life might change soon, it sounds awful and makes me feel guilty but nobody knows so how can they support me?
You've got lots of friends here and you are doing amazing. Look after yourself and take time for yourself when you can regularly xx
It sounds like you've done really well over the last six months. I know what you mean about the anxiety, in the beginning it seems as though there will be a long wait as you're told by the police and also people on here so then when there are updates or charges it hits you like a tonne of bricks.
I can only imagine how hard it is as a parent to be in this situation as kids love their parents regardless of pretty much what they do so it must be hard to not have to explain why things have changed. There's not much I can advise other than that you can only do your best in these circumstances. I'm also going between phases of crapping myself to crying to being ok to not sleeping at the moment as my partner received his charges before Xmas (great timing huh?!).
It makes it unbearable sometimes not being able to speak to your friends/family about it and sometimes I want to tell people to shutup and stop meithering about rubbish because all I can think about is how drastically my life might change soon, it sounds awful and makes me feel guilty but nobody knows so how can they support me?
You've got lots of friends here and you are doing amazing. Look after yourself and take time for yourself when you can regularly xx
Firstly well done for posting it takes all for us to post on here.
I really struggle with posting on here. I've found some truly amazing people through here on mumsnet (I hope I'm okay in saying so) where I've been able to reach out on a person basis.
I find that I check this site (lurking/reading in the shadows) more often than any social media i ever had.
wishing you all the best.
I really struggle with posting on here. I've found some truly amazing people through here on mumsnet (I hope I'm okay in saying so) where I've been able to reach out on a person basis.
I find that I check this site (lurking/reading in the shadows) more often than any social media i ever had.
wishing you all the best.
Emeraldrose - so sorry to read your post. It is such an awful journey to have so suddenly dumped in your life.
I'm almost a year since the knock (husband - long term viewing of IIOC - awaiting sentencing). I am now seperated from him and a single parent. I work as a teacher and do a lot of pastoral work with students who have been through all sorts of things. My first thoughts on hearing he'd been viewing images of child abuse was horror that he either hadn't associated the iioc with real children or he had but hadn't cared. Knowing first hand the impact of abuse on the victims and having spent time helping them added to the devastation and my feelings of how different the person I married was from my core beliefs.
I wanted to say that I've been surprised at the times over the last year when I've really struggled. I've had periods of complete shock, near breakdown, times when I've felt like I've got this and feel on top of things shortly followed by sudden lows. Whenever new information or court dates or things happen it has some sort of affect - from minor stress reactions like headaches, itchy hands, short temper... through to more severe stress reactions. I am lucky to have told my best friend and sisters everything. I can call them up any time and talk through what's happening. More often than not they say something straight out that reassures me that the thing that's happening is really huge and it's completely justified to struggle to cope with everything.
Its good you've been speaking to a counselor and good that you've reached out on here. You have so much in your plate if we can help in any way just write. Best wishes xxx
I'm almost a year since the knock (husband - long term viewing of IIOC - awaiting sentencing). I am now seperated from him and a single parent. I work as a teacher and do a lot of pastoral work with students who have been through all sorts of things. My first thoughts on hearing he'd been viewing images of child abuse was horror that he either hadn't associated the iioc with real children or he had but hadn't cared. Knowing first hand the impact of abuse on the victims and having spent time helping them added to the devastation and my feelings of how different the person I married was from my core beliefs.
I wanted to say that I've been surprised at the times over the last year when I've really struggled. I've had periods of complete shock, near breakdown, times when I've felt like I've got this and feel on top of things shortly followed by sudden lows. Whenever new information or court dates or things happen it has some sort of affect - from minor stress reactions like headaches, itchy hands, short temper... through to more severe stress reactions. I am lucky to have told my best friend and sisters everything. I can call them up any time and talk through what's happening. More often than not they say something straight out that reassures me that the thing that's happening is really huge and it's completely justified to struggle to cope with everything.
Its good you've been speaking to a counselor and good that you've reached out on here. You have so much in your plate if we can help in any way just write. Best wishes xxx
Hi Emerald, I'm glad you were finally able to post on here - it sounds as if you've had a long and lonely journey.
I echo Cloud's words - I've had good days, bad days, terrible days, days where I am my usual self, days where I don't know how I'm going to survive. This is a tough situation we find ourselves in and this forum is a lifeline, just being able to talk to people who understand.
Sending you a huge virtual hug xx
I echo Cloud's words - I've had good days, bad days, terrible days, days where I am my usual self, days where I don't know how I'm going to survive. This is a tough situation we find ourselves in and this forum is a lifeline, just being able to talk to people who understand.
Sending you a huge virtual hug xx
It is a very lonely place to be and it seems to me that as a partner of the accused it is easier to get sympathy from friends and relatives if you leave your partner . There does seem to be a belief that supporting your partner at worst equates to condoning what they have done, or at the very least demonstrating your own poor judgement. There are no shades of grey with this offence.
Emerald Rose
Well done for posting and welcome to our community.
I don't really have anything to add except to say that so much of what you say resonates deeply with me.This journey is a long, rollercoaster of a ride. Some days I think I have things sussed, under control, other days I'm frightened by the doorbell or just can't get out of bed before midday. Just now my husband is having pre-sentencing reports comp!eted so hopefully in a couple of weeks we will be starting a new chapter of our lives.
Be kind to yourselves people!
Well done for posting and welcome to our community.
I don't really have anything to add except to say that so much of what you say resonates deeply with me.This journey is a long, rollercoaster of a ride. Some days I think I have things sussed, under control, other days I'm frightened by the doorbell or just can't get out of bed before midday. Just now my husband is having pre-sentencing reports comp!eted so hopefully in a couple of weeks we will be starting a new chapter of our lives.
Be kind to yourselves people!
Post deleted by user
Hi Emerald-Rose
I can honestly say I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone, it is treacherous and unpredictable. When people ask how I feel I tell them I thought the death of my beautiful Dad was the worst thing that could ever happen but I have to admit this is worse. I explain to people that even though we don't like it there is an expectation our parents will get ill and pass away, through our lives we try to shut these thoughts out but know the inevitable will happen one day. What we don't have expectations for is "The Knock" and everything that happens afterwards, as someone who is used to being methodical and able to plan strategically at high levels the only way I can describe the last year of my life is chaotic, sad, distressed, upset, confused and totally traumatic. This is one horrendous journey which on a lot of days still I struggle with. Until I found this forum I felt isolated and lost, "nobody" I knew could ever understood what I was experiencing.
I don't post every day since joining mainly because we have both been ill (probably the impact of stress) since Christmas but I do read and pray every night for everyone on this forum as well as others out there who are suffering the impact of these offences. Everyone's post I have read so far have shown kindness, respect and consideration as well as massive amounts of information and advice for all the members, we are the people who understand and can empathise with each other.
I hope you find support from friends and family but always know someone will read your posts, I personally haven't slept properly since the knock and am often awake at 3-4 in the morning just reading posts. Your Gp should be an invaluable source of support who could also signpost you for further help.
Please take care, stay safe and stay strong. Xxx
I can honestly say I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone, it is treacherous and unpredictable. When people ask how I feel I tell them I thought the death of my beautiful Dad was the worst thing that could ever happen but I have to admit this is worse. I explain to people that even though we don't like it there is an expectation our parents will get ill and pass away, through our lives we try to shut these thoughts out but know the inevitable will happen one day. What we don't have expectations for is "The Knock" and everything that happens afterwards, as someone who is used to being methodical and able to plan strategically at high levels the only way I can describe the last year of my life is chaotic, sad, distressed, upset, confused and totally traumatic. This is one horrendous journey which on a lot of days still I struggle with. Until I found this forum I felt isolated and lost, "nobody" I knew could ever understood what I was experiencing.
I don't post every day since joining mainly because we have both been ill (probably the impact of stress) since Christmas but I do read and pray every night for everyone on this forum as well as others out there who are suffering the impact of these offences. Everyone's post I have read so far have shown kindness, respect and consideration as well as massive amounts of information and advice for all the members, we are the people who understand and can empathise with each other.
I hope you find support from friends and family but always know someone will read your posts, I personally haven't slept properly since the knock and am often awake at 3-4 in the morning just reading posts. Your Gp should be an invaluable source of support who could also signpost you for further help.
Please take care, stay safe and stay strong. Xxx
Post deleted by user
Smile through the tears
I to don't have anyone to share my thoughts and concerns.
My husband does not talk about it my daughter listens but very angry with him so I try not to burden her.
I have lovely friends but I can not bring myself to tell them they have known my son also for years I just can't do that so I find myself on here even posting or reading but sometimes it's a little overwhelming .
X
I to don't have anyone to share my thoughts and concerns.
My husband does not talk about it my daughter listens but very angry with him so I try not to burden her.
I have lovely friends but I can not bring myself to tell them they have known my son also for years I just can't do that so I find myself on here even posting or reading but sometimes it's a little overwhelming .
X
Post deleted by user
Hi Maij
Yes very lonely world at times .
We don't talk about it only on a designated day of the week, where we discuss any issues bothering us.
We are only 4 weeks in so all still very raw son telling me he is doing things to get help but I have lost all trust in him so I don't know wether he is telling the truth.
My mind works overtime I'm like a ticking time bomb waiting to happen because I don't know the extent of what he as done does not help me either, so is he going to prison or not keeps worrying me.
The thing is I was always brought up to take the consequences of your actions very hard now its at your doorstep.
Thank you for your reply
X
Yes very lonely world at times .
We don't talk about it only on a designated day of the week, where we discuss any issues bothering us.
We are only 4 weeks in so all still very raw son telling me he is doing things to get help but I have lost all trust in him so I don't know wether he is telling the truth.
My mind works overtime I'm like a ticking time bomb waiting to happen because I don't know the extent of what he as done does not help me either, so is he going to prison or not keeps worrying me.
The thing is I was always brought up to take the consequences of your actions very hard now its at your doorstep.
Thank you for your reply
X
Post deleted by user
Smile through the tears
We have our son here living with us he does not want to live by himself in his flat he's afraid he maybe a target as he told his best mate.
So we are now trying to get him moved.
My husband finds it very hard to show his feelings though he as broken down twice.
He as let him stay here due to my sons mental health but it is hard at times and we have a long journey ahead.
We are meant to be on holiday at the end of the week which is badly needed but I am worried he won't cope.
Always here if you want to talk
X
We have our son here living with us he does not want to live by himself in his flat he's afraid he maybe a target as he told his best mate.
So we are now trying to get him moved.
My husband finds it very hard to show his feelings though he as broken down twice.
He as let him stay here due to my sons mental health but it is hard at times and we have a long journey ahead.
We are meant to be on holiday at the end of the week which is badly needed but I am worried he won't cope.
Always here if you want to talk
X
Thankyou x
3am insomnia & I am absolutely overwhelmed by all your supportive replies, thank you everyone for making me much less lonely on this journey, just being acknowledged means so much.
I'm doing ok this week but feel like I'm constantly on edge waiting for the police to ring (they rang before Christmas to say they will progressing in the new year).
I saw the gp yesterday who seemed genuinely supportive, I am now on antidepressants & anxiety medication, hopefully for the short term but just to help me get through this storm.
To any of you needing a friend, support or listening ear please know im here for you too. I'm based in the North West.
Once again thank you all for showing your support xxxx
I'm doing ok this week but feel like I'm constantly on edge waiting for the police to ring (they rang before Christmas to say they will progressing in the new year).
I saw the gp yesterday who seemed genuinely supportive, I am now on antidepressants & anxiety medication, hopefully for the short term but just to help me get through this storm.
To any of you needing a friend, support or listening ear please know im here for you too. I'm based in the North West.
Once again thank you all for showing your support xxxx
Also my first time posting, we waited 3yrs 6 month for sentencing for our son, he told us himself he was accused by his now ex girlfriends niece of certain things, we were moving home, we had all laptops ceased, his phone, it was a nightmare, we had to appeal for my laptop back as it had all legal docs for housemove on. Solicitors found no evidence even work supported him in proving he was at work when one of the dates of accusations was given, we heard nothing for 3 yrs, he moved job new girlfriend, then the knock saying he was going to court, the shock as we had been told numerous times it was all hearsay, court day was awful as at the final minutes before entering court the accused solicitor found one pic on his phone, he maintains he knew nothing about it doesnt know how it got to his phone, ex girlfriend used to borrow phone often, photo was nieces face on adult body in bikini, his solicitor pushed him to go guilty, i was numb, he was told jury would find him guilty even though most was hearsay, he crumbled and gave in to guilty plea as i was in pieces that he may go to prison, he was assaulted by 4 youths in his late teens and has anxiety and mental health. I read so many of your journeys through this nightmare thank you for sharing and helping me feel less alone
Hi EmeraldRose,
im so glad you've got some good support and advice from your Gp, I too despite a lot of protest and resistance ended up on anti depressants. They help with getting through the day but I still struggle with sleep and severe anxiety when going out. My thought processes are like a rollercoaster too, but I do feel there are longer time lapses between the anxiety. I hope you start to feel better and in more control of your emotions. I have always been a very strong and resilient person and coped with some horrendous situations but this has knocked me for six, I am sure like everyone on this forum it feels life will never ever be the same again.
I too am based in the North West, I see my OH visiting his probationer, getting calls from his police liaison, attending courses and even getting calls from the Tag company checking he is okay, don't get me wrong I am so glad these people are there to help and support him but other than this forum/Stop it Now call centre there is a definite absence of support for partners/parents/friends of the offender. This is absolutely huge for family members/ friends to deal with and get through each day without that support. If you look at sites for addiction there is support out there for family/friends.
I cry reading some of the posts on here, my heart goes out to everyone struggling through this journey none of us wanted to be on. I pray for everyone on here every night.
Please take care EmeraldRose.
lots of love xxx
im so glad you've got some good support and advice from your Gp, I too despite a lot of protest and resistance ended up on anti depressants. They help with getting through the day but I still struggle with sleep and severe anxiety when going out. My thought processes are like a rollercoaster too, but I do feel there are longer time lapses between the anxiety. I hope you start to feel better and in more control of your emotions. I have always been a very strong and resilient person and coped with some horrendous situations but this has knocked me for six, I am sure like everyone on this forum it feels life will never ever be the same again.
I too am based in the North West, I see my OH visiting his probationer, getting calls from his police liaison, attending courses and even getting calls from the Tag company checking he is okay, don't get me wrong I am so glad these people are there to help and support him but other than this forum/Stop it Now call centre there is a definite absence of support for partners/parents/friends of the offender. This is absolutely huge for family members/ friends to deal with and get through each day without that support. If you look at sites for addiction there is support out there for family/friends.
I cry reading some of the posts on here, my heart goes out to everyone struggling through this journey none of us wanted to be on. I pray for everyone on here every night.
Please take care EmeraldRose.
lots of love xxx
Post deleted by user
Thank you Smile, big hugs to you too..xx
Hi All,
I have not posted since my first post but do keep visiting here & have learnt so much & can feel the support for each other.
As above we got the knock on 5th July & it's been a really difficult time but I have been able to maintain 'a tough cookie exterior' for the children & those around me.
Today he has his 2nd interview as all evidence is back, its at 9.30am. He has never really told me what he thinks they will find but that it began with porn addiction. It's 3.30am & I'm lying here wide awake with anxiety, I suppose by tonight I will know what the charges are. I am currently signed off sick as the stress of the nature of my work. I plan to walk the dog for a good 2hrs this morning just to take away this negativity.
Just needed to offload, you are all amazing and all your posts, advice, words of support really do help me feel less alone on this journey.
Xxx
I have not posted since my first post but do keep visiting here & have learnt so much & can feel the support for each other.
As above we got the knock on 5th July & it's been a really difficult time but I have been able to maintain 'a tough cookie exterior' for the children & those around me.
Today he has his 2nd interview as all evidence is back, its at 9.30am. He has never really told me what he thinks they will find but that it began with porn addiction. It's 3.30am & I'm lying here wide awake with anxiety, I suppose by tonight I will know what the charges are. I am currently signed off sick as the stress of the nature of my work. I plan to walk the dog for a good 2hrs this morning just to take away this negativity.
Just needed to offload, you are all amazing and all your posts, advice, words of support really do help me feel less alone on this journey.
Xxx
Hi Emerald, wide awake here too and got to be up for work in 2 hours. We are waiting to hear back from cps.
We felt a bit relief after second interview as didn't know what to expect, anxiety was high but at least found out what we were dealing with.
One thing I recommend you do is talk openly and honest with each other, he owes you to tell you everything so there are no more nasty surprises along the way.
good luck and let us know how you got on x
We felt a bit relief after second interview as didn't know what to expect, anxiety was high but at least found out what we were dealing with.
One thing I recommend you do is talk openly and honest with each other, he owes you to tell you everything so there are no more nasty surprises along the way.
good luck and let us know how you got on x
Ariagni, that's an unusual case, would you mind me asking what the charge and sentence was? 3 years! X