Family and Friends Forum

Good morning xx. - in our case what we found out about our son was 'enough to cope with' - we left it at that - perhaps never knowing the whole story. I should imagine it's much much different with a husband/partner!

It's a very personal thing and an individual choice, which I know isn't much help but I don't want to push you in either direction.

In my case it was my son who confessed to crimes against his siblings (which hadn't actually happened - psychotic break).

For me I needed to know everything so I could ensure everyone was safe and my son agreed to full disclosure with his solicitor who told me exactly what the police had found. This is a good option if you feel you want to know as the solicitor is there professionally and their memory isn't affected by the emotions or shock. Your husband would have to agree to full disclosure. Regardless of how open he is with you, its very likely he'll be muddled with events. The arrest itself is very stressful as is the interview which does affect what we remember.

The police actually invited me in to see everything that was found after No Further Action was decided. This was in the interests of safeguarding because evidence was found about what my son thought had happened and how he sought help (LFF pdf and Google searches). I was grateful for this and relieved there was nothing that I wasn't already aware of. If you don't feel able to get full disclosure or your husband refuses but there is something that means your children are at risk this will be disclosed to you by either the police or social services. I can't say at what point that would happen though, especially whilst the investigation is ongoing so do consider the full disclosure with the solicitor for your own peace of mind and information.

I hope this is helpful xx

I have seen the police forensic report on the examination of his devices and it wasn't as bad as I was expecting (although bad enough).

I agree with Lee that you will be in a better position to decide what to do once you know you have all of the information. That being said, you can never know fully what's been going on in their head. Whatever, there's no need to make any hasty decisions; my views on this were very muddled to start with and have become clearer over time, but it's very hard to look into the future and work out what your circumstances will be then, how you will be affected and how you will feel. I guess I'm saying that whatever you think now, be prepared that you may change your mind. More than once.

Annamarie I have resigned myself to the fact that I may never know the whole truth and the whole story, my other half is not a natural liar, but he is secretive and not good at being open, so while I have seen the evidence, I do not know, and probably will never know, the whole story. Just an edited version that he thinks is less likely to offend me and so less likely that I will reject him. Despite me saying that knowing the truth is more important to me in making any decision.

I am not sure he fully accepts or has taken on board the seriousness of the situation - it is me that has had to point out that the entry level penalty for the worst offences he has been charged with is a custodial sentence, I think he has his head in the sand and is focusing too much on his own "intentions" rather than what the law actually says, which is that possession of iioc is an offence, however you came by them, even if it was accidental/incidental, and there is very little wriggle room in terms of defences.

Hi Anne Marie, I put a similar post up not long ago, I'll tell you what I did hope it helps, my knock came last March for communication with 14-16 year old. I know there were 3 different chat, he was very honest with me from day one. Didn't see him for 4 weeks at start just texting (he tried to kill himself) had to know he was OK as he's noone. We arnt back together but have got very close again and I'm. Considering it. Like you I've changed my mind so many times. I asked questions slowly. First he wrote it in a letter to me, told me exactly what was talked about etc. Then he wrote another telling me when he started, how it started and how it ended. (he panicked and stopped 3 weeks b4 knock he said he realised what he did). Next I'm deciding on full disclosure which he's agreed to. I've to Feb to decide so I'm. Not rushing. Took me almost a year to get all these answered at first was terrible but I felt so much better for knowing. Hope that helps, just take your time.

It's a personal choice. I need to know everything, it will help with my decision to leave or stay. I also think if my own children are involved I'd need to know everything to make an informed choice and safeguard.



bitterbean - when you see evidence do they show pictures or describe them? When it's iioc I wonder how they interview - can they even show pics ?

Hi Annamarie,

I too am a partner and have asked my partner for the whole truth and full disclosure so there are no nasty surprises. As hard as it may be, you would need to know from a safeguarding perspective as it may be the case that even if you decided not to continue with your relationship, your children may still wish to know their father and they still need to be protected.

Jayjay - They do show images but they are redacted. I think this is because the child could be known to you so it is a means of identifying them. I was only shown the child's face but it was gut-wrenching...as you can imagine.

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My friend used a computer forensic expert who used only the SFR supplied by the police.The reasons for doing that are stated above.The expert becomes an officer of the court and has to report everything they find.