Today I feel absolutely broken - We found out likely sentencing
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My partner has been given a indication of minium and maximum sentence he'll face. The pain and hurt thinking about him being in prison for that long is unbearable as is the grieving for what we planned for our future.
Now knowing the likely sentence it feels like a milestone and a point at which I'm am to tangibly make some decisions. I feel guilty for thinking that the minimum is too long for me to even consider putting my life on hold for. I don't think I have any choice but to move on and consider a life without him. Court date is in 7 weeks and I can't comprehend how to cope, part of me wants to say goodbye now and run away and start rebuilding my life. Any kind of emotional attachments right now is so painful and it feels like anything practical on the legal perspective is pretty much done. But on the flip, I don't think I can leave him to deal with it on his own. We currently live apart (not because of this) and have no children. I sort of wish this wasn't the case, walking away wouldn't be such an easy option. We've lost so much, manly the family we'd hoped to start, I'm grieving so much for that, i'm a complete mess and not functioning well at all. I'm breaking down in sobs of tears randomly, I can't concentrate on work, don't want to eat. I don't know how I get through this.
Now knowing the likely sentence it feels like a milestone and a point at which I'm am to tangibly make some decisions. I feel guilty for thinking that the minimum is too long for me to even consider putting my life on hold for. I don't think I have any choice but to move on and consider a life without him. Court date is in 7 weeks and I can't comprehend how to cope, part of me wants to say goodbye now and run away and start rebuilding my life. Any kind of emotional attachments right now is so painful and it feels like anything practical on the legal perspective is pretty much done. But on the flip, I don't think I can leave him to deal with it on his own. We currently live apart (not because of this) and have no children. I sort of wish this wasn't the case, walking away wouldn't be such an easy option. We've lost so much, manly the family we'd hoped to start, I'm grieving so much for that, i'm a complete mess and not functioning well at all. I'm breaking down in sobs of tears randomly, I can't concentrate on work, don't want to eat. I don't know how I get through this.
SAL I wish I could give you a hug. It's absolutely awful and I feel very similar to you in terms of wanting to add the cherry (family/kids) to the cake (career/house). Take this time to let your emotions out and run their course, there's not much else we can do, normally I don't agree with getting into bed and wallowing but I find it much easier than pretending to work and being overwhelmed in times when it all gets too much or the situation changes. I totally agree that although you have to think of yourself you don't want to leave him to face it alone. All these decisions can wait for another day, right now just look after yourself and process the news. Sending all my love <3 xxxx
Sending love SAL. As the others have said, don't rush anything and give yourself time to wallow if that's what you need right now xx
My heart goes out to you SAL it really a heartbreaking and frightening time. X
SAL, my heart breaks for you - it's little consolation but all of us on here understand your emotions right now and can identify with that overwhelming grief. As the others have said, take a bit of time to process this; there's no cut-off date by which you have to make a decision and it's best not to rush anything when you're feeling as you do.
Sending you a huge hug xx
Sending you a huge hug xx
Hi SAL
My heart aches for you it's such a tough journey to be on
I am dreading court in the next 8 weeks as I know my son will get a long sentence
Just wanted to send you hugs and strength to get through this
xxx
My heart aches for you it's such a tough journey to be on
I am dreading court in the next 8 weeks as I know my son will get a long sentence
Just wanted to send you hugs and strength to get through this
xxx
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Does anyone have any experience in being told to expect x amount of sentence to it actually being much lower?
we have been told to expect a long sentence but when I've seen news reports some people have done far worse and get far less than we have been told xxx
we have been told to expect a long sentence but when I've seen news reports some people have done far worse and get far less than we have been told xxx
Also remember you don't serve all the custodial sentence given. Not much comfort I know ......
Hi Sal
I just want to give you some reassurance incase your partner does get custodial.
My partner has been to prison twice in the time we have been together, (for a violent offence) the first time he was in for 20 months and this time he will be in for 14 months as he is on recall and that is how long he has left on his sentence.
It is hard when they first go down. You miss them terribly and the communication is very little in the first few weeks as it takes times for there pins to set up.
But I promise you, when you are in a routine it gets so much easier.
My partner gets 3 visits a months which I go to. We also do 6 video calls (purple visits) a month, we use email a prisoner and he has a phone in his cell that aslong as he has money on he can use whenever he wants.
If your partner gets to be an enhanced prisoner, he can have 4 contact visits and is allowed more purple visits.
My advise to you would be make sure you have a good lump sum of money to put on his account.. because prison can be very expensive!!
Good luck on the rest if your journey xx
I just want to give you some reassurance incase your partner does get custodial.
My partner has been to prison twice in the time we have been together, (for a violent offence) the first time he was in for 20 months and this time he will be in for 14 months as he is on recall and that is how long he has left on his sentence.
It is hard when they first go down. You miss them terribly and the communication is very little in the first few weeks as it takes times for there pins to set up.
But I promise you, when you are in a routine it gets so much easier.
My partner gets 3 visits a months which I go to. We also do 6 video calls (purple visits) a month, we use email a prisoner and he has a phone in his cell that aslong as he has money on he can use whenever he wants.
If your partner gets to be an enhanced prisoner, he can have 4 contact visits and is allowed more purple visits.
My advise to you would be make sure you have a good lump sum of money to put on his account.. because prison can be very expensive!!
Good luck on the rest if your journey xx
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Smile
Is the prison a lot different than remand prison once they are sentenced?
Do they still go in to the VP wing or is it mainstream I am guessing he will go to a SO prison
Remand is breaking my son xx
Is the prison a lot different than remand prison once they are sentenced?
Do they still go in to the VP wing or is it mainstream I am guessing he will go to a SO prison
Remand is breaking my son xx
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Thank you Smile xx
Thank you Smile xx
Thank you for your kind messages. It made me feel less alone. This really is a horrible, isolating, emotional roller coaster. Today I managed to eat breakfast, it's been a better day.
Lee1969 it was his barrister. They showed a table and where his offence sits in the different categories, for example where it would be if the Attempt element hadn't been included (lowers the charge) and it was Arranged. I can't remember the top end but it started at 3 years. I'm assuming that even with mitigating factors it can't go below the guidance?
As Carmela says, I've looked at outcomes of past cases and they've come out with much lower sentencing, I can only assume the content of the discussions brings them into a lower category?!
The hardest part of this is I feel I need to choose between having a child or being there for my partner when he's released. It doesn't seem possible that both could ever happen or at least I'd have to be making my next decision knowing that it might not be possible - It is heart renching. If I didn't want children or I was younger then I think the choice to stay would be easy.
Feelsick thank you for giving me an idea of what our contact may be like in prison. I've been doing some research and considering ways we could stay connected to one another.
Lee1969 it was his barrister. They showed a table and where his offence sits in the different categories, for example where it would be if the Attempt element hadn't been included (lowers the charge) and it was Arranged. I can't remember the top end but it started at 3 years. I'm assuming that even with mitigating factors it can't go below the guidance?
As Carmela says, I've looked at outcomes of past cases and they've come out with much lower sentencing, I can only assume the content of the discussions brings them into a lower category?!
The hardest part of this is I feel I need to choose between having a child or being there for my partner when he's released. It doesn't seem possible that both could ever happen or at least I'd have to be making my next decision knowing that it might not be possible - It is heart renching. If I didn't want children or I was younger then I think the choice to stay would be easy.
Feelsick thank you for giving me an idea of what our contact may be like in prison. I've been doing some research and considering ways we could stay connected to one another.
Thanks for your response Lee that's really clear and helped me understand.
So if there are mitigating factors it could bring it below 3 years? Not sure what or how many would bring it to 2 years, that seems very unlikely.
So if there are mitigating factors it could bring it below 3 years? Not sure what or how many would bring it to 2 years, that seems very unlikely.
It's moved really fast.
He had his plea 2 weeks after arrest. He pleaded not guilty. He has a trial date for the beginning of March. That will be 2.5 months. It's not long to understand and react, it's no time at all.
Even if he wanted to change his plea to guilty I'm not sure he'd have time to get everything he needed in order with his home and animals to face the possibility of sentencing happening faster or even immediate imprisonment upon plea.
He had his plea 2 weeks after arrest. He pleaded not guilty. He has a trial date for the beginning of March. That will be 2.5 months. It's not long to understand and react, it's no time at all.
Even if he wanted to change his plea to guilty I'm not sure he'd have time to get everything he needed in order with his home and animals to face the possibility of sentencing happening faster or even immediate imprisonment upon plea.
Sal, reading your torment is like looking into my own soul and decision making process. My husband ended up with 3 years, so he will serve half that, then on licence for the other 18 months once he's out.
Due to my age partly, I feel exactly the same as you. It seems that having kids with him will be tricky but not impossible. Just might not look like a 'normal' family, maybe we'll have to live apart for a while, or maybe SS won't see him as a risk so he could live at home. I think I've learned with this journey we're on that there will never be complete certainty. We were relieved when the sentencing was done, even though he went to prison, at least we knew the outcome after waiting for 2 years. But its all the other future unknowns which make decisions so hard. I just still go day by day, week by week. What feels right for your own happiness. I think a life with children is possible, but it won't be easy or predictable. The other thing I worry about is having to tell my children if I were to have them with him, what would I say, when etc. Not sure if I would feel selfish having chosen that life for them. I know plenty of people on here have kids, but I think most already had them pre - offence/arrest. Would be interested to hear if anyone chose to have them after sentencing (especially custodial).
Due to my age partly, I feel exactly the same as you. It seems that having kids with him will be tricky but not impossible. Just might not look like a 'normal' family, maybe we'll have to live apart for a while, or maybe SS won't see him as a risk so he could live at home. I think I've learned with this journey we're on that there will never be complete certainty. We were relieved when the sentencing was done, even though he went to prison, at least we knew the outcome after waiting for 2 years. But its all the other future unknowns which make decisions so hard. I just still go day by day, week by week. What feels right for your own happiness. I think a life with children is possible, but it won't be easy or predictable. The other thing I worry about is having to tell my children if I were to have them with him, what would I say, when etc. Not sure if I would feel selfish having chosen that life for them. I know plenty of people on here have kids, but I think most already had them pre - offence/arrest. Would be interested to hear if anyone chose to have them after sentencing (especially custodial).
BusyLizzie, when I read your post I really felt for you. I've had very similar thoughts as to whether it is fair to bring a child into the world knowing what it'll likely be like. If this had all happened 3 months later I'd have completed my first round of IVF and may have been pregnant, there would be no decision to make. Like you I'd also like to be able to talk to SS and understand what the future may look like before I decide to do anything.
In some ways I think I'm in a slightly easier situation than you. I'm older than you and need fertility treatment, waiting is not option for me. I'd be choosing to begin fertility treatment whilst he is in prison and to add another complexity is that I don't think I could afford to do IVF where I'd be able to use his sperm that is ready and waiting for me and would likely need to use a donor sperm.
The only way I can frame it as a possibility in my head is that I decide to go alone without any expectations to be a couple in the future, if when he's released we would have more or a friendship ( I really can't imagine not being there to support him when he'd out) than a relationship and if that did ever evolve into more it would be a almost as if he were a step Dad.
I've read quite a few of your previous posts, seems that you've been so strong and handled the situation so courageously and know your own mind. One of the next things I have to do is talk to family and friends, but I'm particularly worried my parents will strongly discourage any future with him (a similar situation I think to you find yourself in) and it'll add another weight to carry, at the moment I can't fathom not being there to support him through a prison sentence.
Some days it feels crystal clear what I should do, but it's never the same things.
In some ways I think I'm in a slightly easier situation than you. I'm older than you and need fertility treatment, waiting is not option for me. I'd be choosing to begin fertility treatment whilst he is in prison and to add another complexity is that I don't think I could afford to do IVF where I'd be able to use his sperm that is ready and waiting for me and would likely need to use a donor sperm.
The only way I can frame it as a possibility in my head is that I decide to go alone without any expectations to be a couple in the future, if when he's released we would have more or a friendship ( I really can't imagine not being there to support him when he'd out) than a relationship and if that did ever evolve into more it would be a almost as if he were a step Dad.
I've read quite a few of your previous posts, seems that you've been so strong and handled the situation so courageously and know your own mind. One of the next things I have to do is talk to family and friends, but I'm particularly worried my parents will strongly discourage any future with him (a similar situation I think to you find yourself in) and it'll add another weight to carry, at the moment I can't fathom not being there to support him through a prison sentence.
Some days it feels crystal clear what I should do, but it's never the same things.
Lee1969 I don't think he's been sent a schedule, what difference does this make? He's been sent the court dates.
Tossed and turned all night thinking about all the different aspects of this and not knowing what to do.
Tossed and turned all night thinking about all the different aspects of this and not knowing what to do.
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SAL, yes I feel very similar to you. If only we could be on the front foot and show how risk aware we are and actually speak to SS before getting pregnant, but alas, it seems they only step in once we've already made the life changing decision and can't go back! I could have been pregnant when he got arrested, we'd started trying a few months before, which is scary to think about.
I've thought similar, that maybe I just have kids (with him) but if we can't live together etc, then he could still be in my life. And yeah maybe end up going it alone. I also feel as though if we end up not together, I will still be there to support him as a friend, genuinely can't see myself not being in his life in any capacity. He's said he wants to wait (sensibly) til his licence period is up and then prob a bit longer before having kids. I can see why, but then it is a case of me waiting even longer. But I guess the longer after the offence and sentence it is, there should be a perception of risk being lower (I hope!). Am also tempted to freeze my eggs in case, but I think it's expensive!
Thank you for your kind words, a few friends have been amazing. I also had a stopitnow inform course lady who was fab, as I did my inform just around the first lockdown, we ended up catching up on zoom a bit when things changed along the sentencing timeline. Now I have a counsellor who specialises in working with sex offenders and their partners. But I have had ups and downs, this forum is always a huge comfort and place to come for information. My parents are divided, mum is cross about the impact his actions have had on my life and continue to do so, whilst dad is stressed about the impact on my job, he has said v clearly to me that he doesn't have an opinion on what I should do, because I am the only one who can make that decision as it is my life.
I do certainly have the attitude of just doing what feels right for me in the moment, even though hand on heart I don't know what the future holds still...thought I would by now! But little by little I'll get there and I'm sure you will too. Waiting for sentencing is super scary, I hope you get your outcome soon.
I've thought similar, that maybe I just have kids (with him) but if we can't live together etc, then he could still be in my life. And yeah maybe end up going it alone. I also feel as though if we end up not together, I will still be there to support him as a friend, genuinely can't see myself not being in his life in any capacity. He's said he wants to wait (sensibly) til his licence period is up and then prob a bit longer before having kids. I can see why, but then it is a case of me waiting even longer. But I guess the longer after the offence and sentence it is, there should be a perception of risk being lower (I hope!). Am also tempted to freeze my eggs in case, but I think it's expensive!
Thank you for your kind words, a few friends have been amazing. I also had a stopitnow inform course lady who was fab, as I did my inform just around the first lockdown, we ended up catching up on zoom a bit when things changed along the sentencing timeline. Now I have a counsellor who specialises in working with sex offenders and their partners. But I have had ups and downs, this forum is always a huge comfort and place to come for information. My parents are divided, mum is cross about the impact his actions have had on my life and continue to do so, whilst dad is stressed about the impact on my job, he has said v clearly to me that he doesn't have an opinion on what I should do, because I am the only one who can make that decision as it is my life.
I do certainly have the attitude of just doing what feels right for me in the moment, even though hand on heart I don't know what the future holds still...thought I would by now! But little by little I'll get there and I'm sure you will too. Waiting for sentencing is super scary, I hope you get your outcome soon.
I feel very much the same, whatever way I look I can't imagine him not being in my life, even if it's just as a friend. His parents are both dead and I don't know who would be there for him to help with some of the more difficult and intimate things he'll face when he's out.
We'd paid up for the first round of egg freezing and fertilisation, so in theory I can do that one round and have the remaining eggs frozen. If it's something you are considering, I'd suggest talking to a clinic, the costs were less than I had thought (although still expensive). You say you are early 30s so you still have some time, but I do understand your concern. There is a test you can have done to show your egg reserve, this may help you understand where you are with your fertility and help you make some choices (mine is low but you might find yours are high).
Would you mind saying what charge/s your husband had? The reason I ask is I spoke to LF about doing the inform course but they felt it wasn't appropriate for me because my partner hadn't viewed images and hadn't been in contact with a child /decoy (he spoke to another adult). I recall reading one of your posts that made me think he'd had the same /similar charge with 'attempt' in it.
I'm hoping to tell my parents today. At the moment I feel like I'm hiding away from everyone because I don't want them to ask about how IVF is going, the hiding away isn't doing me any good. I'm close to my parents but I'm terrified how they'll react. I guess it's a step in facing what is the new reality and worried what other emotions it might evoke in me.
I admire your ability to be able to do what feels right for you in the moment. I really struggle with this, I'm a planner, goal oriented and this isn't a journey that allows any planning.
We'd paid up for the first round of egg freezing and fertilisation, so in theory I can do that one round and have the remaining eggs frozen. If it's something you are considering, I'd suggest talking to a clinic, the costs were less than I had thought (although still expensive). You say you are early 30s so you still have some time, but I do understand your concern. There is a test you can have done to show your egg reserve, this may help you understand where you are with your fertility and help you make some choices (mine is low but you might find yours are high).
Would you mind saying what charge/s your husband had? The reason I ask is I spoke to LF about doing the inform course but they felt it wasn't appropriate for me because my partner hadn't viewed images and hadn't been in contact with a child /decoy (he spoke to another adult). I recall reading one of your posts that made me think he'd had the same /similar charge with 'attempt' in it.
I'm hoping to tell my parents today. At the moment I feel like I'm hiding away from everyone because I don't want them to ask about how IVF is going, the hiding away isn't doing me any good. I'm close to my parents but I'm terrified how they'll react. I guess it's a step in facing what is the new reality and worried what other emotions it might evoke in me.
I admire your ability to be able to do what feels right for you in the moment. I really struggle with this, I'm a planner, goal oriented and this isn't a journey that allows any planning.