My career or my husband
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I've posted about my situation a few times, but in a nutshell: I'm a teacher, husband has 18 month custodial (currently completing). I had time off sick, was about to return to work as agreed, then was called to a meeting and told they wanted me to stay off work on full pay while they figure out what they want to do. Local LADO stated concern about transferable risk and how I would react in a disclosure, but stated that I'm not an immediate risk in school.
Waited a month (due to Xmas partly), had my next meeting again with union support. Now I've essentially been given 3 options. Either I end the relationship and act only as a point of contact for my husband. I accept some sort of settlement (money and agreed reference) to leave. Or they launch a disciplinary process if I agree to neither, which will likely end in my dismissal - I could take it to employment tribunal after, but no guarantees I would win.
I feel I am left with little choice but to go with the first option as I simply cannot throw my career away over this. Whilst I'm looking at other related employment, again no guarantees I'll get another job where I'm not in a school.
Just feels crazy, I've worked so hard in my career to get where I am. I've also worked hard and struggled, standing by husband for over 2 years now, am supporting him in every way I can, have had to deal with all sorts from friends and family. My husband and I have been working together and talking lots about how we can still have a future together and make it work. Now it just feels like the choice has finally been made for me. It's him or my career....
I know a few people on here have been through similar. I also know that not every school would necessarily react in the same way and treat me like this, but I guess you don't know until you've already moved jobs, in which case I could go through all this again potentially.
Not sure if there is any advice you can give me. Partly just wanted to write out how I felt to people who understand.
Waited a month (due to Xmas partly), had my next meeting again with union support. Now I've essentially been given 3 options. Either I end the relationship and act only as a point of contact for my husband. I accept some sort of settlement (money and agreed reference) to leave. Or they launch a disciplinary process if I agree to neither, which will likely end in my dismissal - I could take it to employment tribunal after, but no guarantees I would win.
I feel I am left with little choice but to go with the first option as I simply cannot throw my career away over this. Whilst I'm looking at other related employment, again no guarantees I'll get another job where I'm not in a school.
Just feels crazy, I've worked so hard in my career to get where I am. I've also worked hard and struggled, standing by husband for over 2 years now, am supporting him in every way I can, have had to deal with all sorts from friends and family. My husband and I have been working together and talking lots about how we can still have a future together and make it work. Now it just feels like the choice has finally been made for me. It's him or my career....
I know a few people on here have been through similar. I also know that not every school would necessarily react in the same way and treat me like this, but I guess you don't know until you've already moved jobs, in which case I could go through all this again potentially.
Not sure if there is any advice you can give me. Partly just wanted to write out how I felt to people who understand.
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Busylizzie, I'm so very sorry to hear that the school are continuing to pressure you.
To be honest if it was me (and of course it's not so its very easy for me to say) I would take the pay off and references. I would ask my union if there's an option to ask for more than they offer for emotional distress and discrimination by association as you are completely innocent. I would suggest the problem with that if you try for a job in the same area is that LADO will still have the same opinion. Have you tried contacting them directly to find out what action they would take if you were to apply elsewhere and remain in touch with your ex? It may clear up whether the primary concerns are coming from them or the school.. If you live together following sentencing I think it shows on your DBS so that is going to be a long term consideration.
I think a tribunal would back you up based on the legalities, and again the fact you haven't done anything wrong. I have no experience in this though but hopefully your union can advise?
No one should be forcing you to make a personal decision. That's horrendous. As Lee said, talk with unlock and see what support they can offer. Maybe they can liaise with your union rep? Xx
To be honest if it was me (and of course it's not so its very easy for me to say) I would take the pay off and references. I would ask my union if there's an option to ask for more than they offer for emotional distress and discrimination by association as you are completely innocent. I would suggest the problem with that if you try for a job in the same area is that LADO will still have the same opinion. Have you tried contacting them directly to find out what action they would take if you were to apply elsewhere and remain in touch with your ex? It may clear up whether the primary concerns are coming from them or the school.. If you live together following sentencing I think it shows on your DBS so that is going to be a long term consideration.
I think a tribunal would back you up based on the legalities, and again the fact you haven't done anything wrong. I have no experience in this though but hopefully your union can advise?
No one should be forcing you to make a personal decision. That's horrendous. As Lee said, talk with unlock and see what support they can offer. Maybe they can liaise with your union rep? Xx
BuzyLizzy
I remember your earlier posts and feel outraged you are being treated this way.
I think I'd be inclined to take the money and run as if you stay on these terms you will be looking over your professional shoulder always. What happens if you agree to split with your husband and 12 months down the line realise that is the wrong decision. Will your employer s ue you for breach of contract?
I really would not want to work for anyone who would treat me this way. Having said that I am taking early retirement by about 2 years as my husband's offending has made my role with vulnerable adults untenable. I know you have spoken with your Union and that Lee has suggested Unlock but there is also ACAS which can advise you about your employment rights. You need all relevant information before making a very big decision.
When all comes to all it is your decision and no one here will blame you for doing what you feel is right for you.
I wish you lots of luck whichever decision you make.
I remember your earlier posts and feel outraged you are being treated this way.
I think I'd be inclined to take the money and run as if you stay on these terms you will be looking over your professional shoulder always. What happens if you agree to split with your husband and 12 months down the line realise that is the wrong decision. Will your employer s ue you for breach of contract?
I really would not want to work for anyone who would treat me this way. Having said that I am taking early retirement by about 2 years as my husband's offending has made my role with vulnerable adults untenable. I know you have spoken with your Union and that Lee has suggested Unlock but there is also ACAS which can advise you about your employment rights. You need all relevant information before making a very big decision.
When all comes to all it is your decision and no one here will blame you for doing what you feel is right for you.
I wish you lots of luck whichever decision you make.
BusyLizzie
I really feel for you, I feel in a similar impossible decision of having to take one life route or another depending on whether I stay with my partner.
Many of my friends and family are teacher and I know how hard you have to work and how much you'll have invested in your career.
I'm so shocked though that this would effect your employment when you are completely innocent. The more I learn about the consequences and miss understanding related to these the more upset and angry it makes me. I've never had anything to do with the legal system myself but have felt strongly that prison is rarely the solution especially with the consequences people face years down the line that inhibit the opportunity for them to learn and build a successful life for themselves.
I'd echo what others say, talk to your union and ACAS.
How long does your partner have in prison? Is an option to take the money, apply for other jobs (teach and non teaching) and seeing how your relationship goes upon release. As Judith says, what's to stop you making one decision and then changing your mind.
I really feel for you, I feel in a similar impossible decision of having to take one life route or another depending on whether I stay with my partner.
Many of my friends and family are teacher and I know how hard you have to work and how much you'll have invested in your career.
I'm so shocked though that this would effect your employment when you are completely innocent. The more I learn about the consequences and miss understanding related to these the more upset and angry it makes me. I've never had anything to do with the legal system myself but have felt strongly that prison is rarely the solution especially with the consequences people face years down the line that inhibit the opportunity for them to learn and build a successful life for themselves.
I'd echo what others say, talk to your union and ACAS.
How long does your partner have in prison? Is an option to take the money, apply for other jobs (teach and non teaching) and seeing how your relationship goes upon release. As Judith says, what's to stop you making one decision and then changing your mind.
This is awful and I am so sorry! In a very similar situation and it is a minefield.
Some of the comments I just wanted some clarification on...
How does it affect your DBS?
Do we have to disclose anything around partners as standard? Someone mentioned above 8?
Some of the comments I just wanted some clarification on...
How does it affect your DBS?
Do we have to disclose anything around partners as standard? Someone mentioned above 8?
Littlelost,
I believe if a registered sex offender lives at your address it will be added in the notes of an enhanced DBS. Not 100% sure in this though so check with unlock.
Contracts may state that you need to disclose anything anything happening with yourself or household members but if not you do not need to disclose.
You cannot be discriminated against for association with a criminal, but there is a clause in the safer working practise agreement used in schools that means you can be investigated and action be taken against you if you choose not to disclose to your employer anything that may bring into question your suitability to work with children including connections to others with behaviour that brings this into question.
I believe that whilst you are not technically doing anything wrong in not disclosing, if media attention brings the setting you work at into disrepute you are then open to disciplinary action.
It's a tough one if you don't know the outcome yet as it could be an issue but might just be quietly dealt with without media and never cause problems.
For me the police and social services told me I didn't need to disclose as we didn't know if my son had done anything (NFA 10 months later) and then they informed LADO when I asked the question again. I was always going to tell my employer when I returned to work - to protect myself more than anything. But this was taken out of my hands and I felt like it made me look as though I was trying to hide the information instead of just being completely overwhelmed and not wanting to face that part just yet!
I believe if a registered sex offender lives at your address it will be added in the notes of an enhanced DBS. Not 100% sure in this though so check with unlock.
Contracts may state that you need to disclose anything anything happening with yourself or household members but if not you do not need to disclose.
You cannot be discriminated against for association with a criminal, but there is a clause in the safer working practise agreement used in schools that means you can be investigated and action be taken against you if you choose not to disclose to your employer anything that may bring into question your suitability to work with children including connections to others with behaviour that brings this into question.
I believe that whilst you are not technically doing anything wrong in not disclosing, if media attention brings the setting you work at into disrepute you are then open to disciplinary action.
It's a tough one if you don't know the outcome yet as it could be an issue but might just be quietly dealt with without media and never cause problems.
For me the police and social services told me I didn't need to disclose as we didn't know if my son had done anything (NFA 10 months later) and then they informed LADO when I asked the question again. I was always going to tell my employer when I returned to work - to protect myself more than anything. But this was taken out of my hands and I felt like it made me look as though I was trying to hide the information instead of just being completely overwhelmed and not wanting to face that part just yet!
I think schools would benefit hugely from educating their staff about this. After all so many start viewing images when they themselves are children and a huge part of working in a school is safeguarding from all types of harm.
More information and resources available in those setting might help prevent young people getting caught up in it or provide help in the early stages. I had no idea about the dangers of becoming addicted to pornography or how easy it is to view illegal images.
I've been trained in measures to spot and prevent child sexual exploitation, terrorism, drug use, abuse of all sorts - as most school staff have but this is something that was completely alien to me and it never even occurred to me that it could be so widespread or was such an issue. That needs to change along with general public perception and available help BEFORE illegal activity has taken place. If measures are put in place to help those (mostly) teenage boys without criminalising then I think so much trauma could be prevented down the line!
More information and resources available in those setting might help prevent young people getting caught up in it or provide help in the early stages. I had no idea about the dangers of becoming addicted to pornography or how easy it is to view illegal images.
I've been trained in measures to spot and prevent child sexual exploitation, terrorism, drug use, abuse of all sorts - as most school staff have but this is something that was completely alien to me and it never even occurred to me that it could be so widespread or was such an issue. That needs to change along with general public perception and available help BEFORE illegal activity has taken place. If measures are put in place to help those (mostly) teenage boys without criminalising then I think so much trauma could be prevented down the line!
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Wow, so many responses and lots of great advice thank you everyone! I tried acas and unlock today, unlock were amazing, so nice to speak to someone who understands!! Unlock did confirm that once an offender is living at your address it would appear on an enhanced dbs. I'm at a secondary school, they knew about his case at each stage and when he plead guilty (before the sentencing date), they seemed to develop concern once they realised I was still in touch with him once in prison (as I was open with them). I know lado were not concerned about me presenting any risk in school, so it is the school whose position is not to trust me if I'm with him. So in terms of area, I don't think other counties would have any information on me, actually considering putting in a subject access request to the council I work for too and see what they have on me of anything.
Judith, I don't think they'd be able to sue me as I doubt anything will change in my contract, depends if they make me sign a new document, but not sure they can do that legally either. Yes I agree, I won't want to work there much longer after this (shame as I did like it a lot before and until now they were so supportive!) but I'd rather leave with my head held high. Still would prefer to jump straight into another (linked) profession than work at another school in the mean time though, otherwise the same might happen there. So would rather play the game at my current school whilst I find a job I want elsewhere.
Really not sure about taking the money.
Lee has that lady you know been in her school over a year? Surely it would be on her dbs if he's living with her??
Grace, I agree, and also believe I'm probably better armed with knowledge and experience on risk and offending now than I ever was before! The irony...
Sotired, so your school are okay with it? What's your situation if you don't mind me asking? As in husband's offence etc.
Judith, I don't think they'd be able to sue me as I doubt anything will change in my contract, depends if they make me sign a new document, but not sure they can do that legally either. Yes I agree, I won't want to work there much longer after this (shame as I did like it a lot before and until now they were so supportive!) but I'd rather leave with my head held high. Still would prefer to jump straight into another (linked) profession than work at another school in the mean time though, otherwise the same might happen there. So would rather play the game at my current school whilst I find a job I want elsewhere.
Really not sure about taking the money.
Lee has that lady you know been in her school over a year? Surely it would be on her dbs if he's living with her??
Grace, I agree, and also believe I'm probably better armed with knowledge and experience on risk and offending now than I ever was before! The irony...
Sotired, so your school are okay with it? What's your situation if you don't mind me asking? As in husband's offence etc.
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Fair enough Lee, yeah I guess you can contest it, still don't like the unknown of moving and then having it come up again though.
Oh wow Sotired, am glad that your school/trust are so supportive. I guess maybe with it being your son it is also slightly different as he is family, which they may view differently to a husband, even though he is my chosen family...
Yes, I would love to know places that wouldn't have an issue with it, but impossible to know until you're in the situation I guess. Plus, even a different head teacher could react differently, years on in the same establishment...its all so subjective!!
Oh wow Sotired, am glad that your school/trust are so supportive. I guess maybe with it being your son it is also slightly different as he is family, which they may view differently to a husband, even though he is my chosen family...
Yes, I would love to know places that wouldn't have an issue with it, but impossible to know until you're in the situation I guess. Plus, even a different head teacher could react differently, years on in the same establishment...its all so subjective!!
The hardest part was the fact that up until now they were so so supportive of me. It all changed when they realised I was visiting him in prison etc...well duhh...how can I drop contact when his family are talking to me but not him, I have all his stuff in a house that we own. I have to pay his bills, sort all sorts for him and there is noone else to do it. Makes me annoyed that they don't even consider all of that, it would be literally impossible not to be in touch in some way at least. So am glad that they seem to at least be okay with me being in touch now, as long as I can say we're not in a relationship...whatever that means!
That's such a nauce thing, supporting but not in a relationship. It shows this is more about their reputation than any risk.
I can't offer any practical advice, but I do really feel for you.
I can't offer any practical advice, but I do really feel for you.
Yes it is very niche...ane unlock tells me pretty undefinable XD
Yeah I would be inclined to agree about the reputation v risk thing...only thing is their reputation was always at stake and they knew that I guess, it was only after conversations with lado that this came about, which makes me think it is about risk. But then again I probably don't know the timings and true extent of conversations which have really gone on, perhaps with governors and other parties, who knows. Previously i just dealt with designated safeguarding lead on everything (pre sentence), I imagine post sentence, that's when more people have become involved in assessing risk and making decisions about me.
Yeah I would be inclined to agree about the reputation v risk thing...only thing is their reputation was always at stake and they knew that I guess, it was only after conversations with lado that this came about, which makes me think it is about risk. But then again I probably don't know the timings and true extent of conversations which have really gone on, perhaps with governors and other parties, who knows. Previously i just dealt with designated safeguarding lead on everything (pre sentence), I imagine post sentence, that's when more people have become involved in assessing risk and making decisions about me.
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I totally get it, I also have to have enhanced DBS and I work with under 8s and thier families. My current employer currently supportive kind of - everyone working from home I was in the office as I'm not allowed to take work IT/phones they say risk I say reputation! That's because he still lives in the home, not convicted at present
I have doubts if he stays if I will get another Job I feel stuck like my employer has to keep me as I was already working for them but who else would employ me with that on my file. Why should I give up what I love?
You must do what makes you happy hun keep strong x
I have doubts if he stays if I will get another Job I feel stuck like my employer has to keep me as I was already working for them but who else would employ me with that on my file. Why should I give up what I love?
You must do what makes you happy hun keep strong x
I think the problem is when you love them both, job and hubby....its like choosing your head or your heart. Right now I feel that none of the options will make me happy :(
I'm not sure the issue for me is loving them both, not all this time with this dragging on but more of job vs kids being Happy - who knows maybe this month will be the decider xx