Child photos
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5 years ago I was using my husband's computer and came across some downloaded photos. They were of girls aged 7-12. They weren't naked but clothed in various outfits. However they were 'posing' for the camera and some in provocative positions. I was devastated but he claims they were downloaded by mistake with the other adult porn. He promised never to do it again. 5 years later and I caught him with similar photos for the 5th time. Each time he blames being drunk (he also has a drink problem) and says it happens late at night when he's very drunk and it's not the real him. Each time I have forgiven him and really believe he genuinely won't do it again as I have explained how disgusted I am by it. The last time I said if it happened again it would be over between us.
So last night I found some more and this time they were downloaded in the middle of the afternoon when he was sober (he only drinks in the evenings). So he can't blame being drunk this time. I am beyond distraught. He has noticed I am quiet and had noticed his porn hard drive has gone missing as I have hidden it. He wants to talk to me and 'explain'. But how can he explain his way out of this? He's very good at making me feel like the one to blame and that I'm overeating as the girls are clothed so nothing wrong there. But it makes me sick that he looks at such young girls (clothed or not). He assures me is normal and in no way illegal. Should I accept this?
So last night I found some more and this time they were downloaded in the middle of the afternoon when he was sober (he only drinks in the evenings). So he can't blame being drunk this time. I am beyond distraught. He has noticed I am quiet and had noticed his porn hard drive has gone missing as I have hidden it. He wants to talk to me and 'explain'. But how can he explain his way out of this? He's very good at making me feel like the one to blame and that I'm overeating as the girls are clothed so nothing wrong there. But it makes me sick that he looks at such young girls (clothed or not). He assures me is normal and in no way illegal. Should I accept this?
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Please don't accept this. You need to protect yourself. If you've viewed illegal images and not reported them it is possible the police could investigate you too.
He needs help before it get even more serious.
Please take care of yourself. Xx
He needs help before it get even more serious.
Please take care of yourself. Xx
Hi Danielle,
Well done for coming to voice your concerns, it can't be easy. The others have already advised very well. I can understand completely why you haven't reported him and tried to manage it yourself but I think you've given him fair chance to try and help himself and if he is refusing help I would certainly look to cover your own back by either separating or reporting him. When it comes to addiction, whatever it may be, if the person is not willing to help themself there is little you can do to change things for them. I spent 2 out of the 7 years with my ex in absolute hell due to his drug addiction and left in £10k of debt, without the house I'd put my blood and tears in and the embarrassment of being cheated on multiple times, I tried so hard to help him but he just wouldn't help himself and now he's an absolute mess. It's sad but there's only so much we can do for people. I really wish you the best and hope you can find support on here or the other resources available. Xx
Well done for coming to voice your concerns, it can't be easy. The others have already advised very well. I can understand completely why you haven't reported him and tried to manage it yourself but I think you've given him fair chance to try and help himself and if he is refusing help I would certainly look to cover your own back by either separating or reporting him. When it comes to addiction, whatever it may be, if the person is not willing to help themself there is little you can do to change things for them. I spent 2 out of the 7 years with my ex in absolute hell due to his drug addiction and left in £10k of debt, without the house I'd put my blood and tears in and the embarrassment of being cheated on multiple times, I tried so hard to help him but he just wouldn't help himself and now he's an absolute mess. It's sad but there's only so much we can do for people. I really wish you the best and hope you can find support on here or the other resources available. Xx
Danielle
My husband promised me many, many times that he would stop using our computers, laptops etc to look at porn. He knew I was upset by his habit but addicts are not noted for their empathy and he didn't stop. For 25 years he didn't stop. And though I often threatened to leave, throw the computer out of the window etc I never did any of those things. I gradually gave up and resigned myself to bring in a sexless marriage. He would only want sex when we went on holiday as he didn't have such easy access to online porn and eventually he couldn't even manage that. Then he moved into a separate bedroom so we wouldn't "disturb" each other. In retrospect what he meant was that he wouldn't be disturbed looking at the increasingly extreme and illegal images he needed for that dopamine high.
I didn't know about these images until the police came and turned out home and lives upside down. Although he got in touch with Stop It within a few days of the knock his journey towards a porn free life has been gradual. He has at last been able to acknowledge his porn addiction, has realised his part in the abuse of women, children and animals, is seeking to live a porn free life. Much more therapy is needed for both of us and there are no guarantees for our relationship.
Danielle the behaviour cannot be stopped unless your partner recognises his addiction and seeks help to resolve it. This will be difficult for him as even confidential services are bound to report the risk he poses to children. And you must be mindful that you are being pulled into a very difficult situation legally too.
Sorry to have been so lengthy in reply. Please take care.
My husband promised me many, many times that he would stop using our computers, laptops etc to look at porn. He knew I was upset by his habit but addicts are not noted for their empathy and he didn't stop. For 25 years he didn't stop. And though I often threatened to leave, throw the computer out of the window etc I never did any of those things. I gradually gave up and resigned myself to bring in a sexless marriage. He would only want sex when we went on holiday as he didn't have such easy access to online porn and eventually he couldn't even manage that. Then he moved into a separate bedroom so we wouldn't "disturb" each other. In retrospect what he meant was that he wouldn't be disturbed looking at the increasingly extreme and illegal images he needed for that dopamine high.
I didn't know about these images until the police came and turned out home and lives upside down. Although he got in touch with Stop It within a few days of the knock his journey towards a porn free life has been gradual. He has at last been able to acknowledge his porn addiction, has realised his part in the abuse of women, children and animals, is seeking to live a porn free life. Much more therapy is needed for both of us and there are no guarantees for our relationship.
Danielle the behaviour cannot be stopped unless your partner recognises his addiction and seeks help to resolve it. This will be difficult for him as even confidential services are bound to report the risk he poses to children. And you must be mindful that you are being pulled into a very difficult situation legally too.
Sorry to have been so lengthy in reply. Please take care.
We have had a relatively calm chat and he assures me that these images are not illegal. They are from a child modelling site and the girls are clothed and generally posing for the camera, but not in a sexual manner. He claims that yes he does find girls of all ages attractive but it is not a sexual thing so much with the younger girls but more of a fascination and collecting photos is more like a hobby. I do not for a minute believe he would ever take anything further or ever harm a child. I don't think (as is sometimes suggested) that looking at photos of children eventually leads onto harming children. Just as men who watch adult porn don't end up going around raping women.
I still don't understand this at all but after reading this site realise that this many be more widespread than I thought. He has done his own googling and claims it is fairly 'normal' among a lot of men to find all ages attractive.
Even if these images are not sexual and the girls are clothed - I am struggling to accept this and not sure I ever will. He has more or less said that he is not prepared to give them up and feels it is not a problem and doesn't mean we can't have a happy marriage.
I still don't understand this at all but after reading this site realise that this many be more widespread than I thought. He has done his own googling and claims it is fairly 'normal' among a lot of men to find all ages attractive.
Even if these images are not sexual and the girls are clothed - I am struggling to accept this and not sure I ever will. He has more or less said that he is not prepared to give them up and feels it is not a problem and doesn't mean we can't have a happy marriage.
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Dear Forum Users,
We hope you are all well. We are glad to see your continued peer support and we hope it is helpful to each and every one of you during these difficult times.
We wanted to put out a reminder that our Stop It Now! helpline is an anonymous and confidential service. If the person of concern you are calling about is not known to the police, then we ask that you do not provide any identifying details about them or yourself. If we are able to identify someone who has committed a sexual offence (or other serious offences) then we would be dutybound to report them as ultimately, we are a child protection charity. However, I do not want this to deter any individual who needs support from our services to reach out and gain the support they need and deserve.
When you call the helpline, we will read out the confidentiality statement and ask for three pieces of information from you: your first name (this can be an alias), your age and the county you are calling from. This is not so that we can identify you but to write up secure notes of our conversation and support provided, so that if/when you call again in the future, you do not have to go through your whole situation again with a new advisor. We know that continuously reliving your situation can be traumatising and we are here to limit that experience. Confidentiality and anonymity will change if identifying details are given.
We are here to support you whether the person you are concerned about is known to the police or not and we hope you feel able to reach out to us if needed. If you have any further questions or would like some support, you can contact us on the Stop It Now! helpline on 0808 900 1000. The helpline is available Monday-Thursday, 9am-9pm and Friday 9am-5pm. Alternatively, you can contact us through our ‘Live Chat’ service (https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/helpline/live-chat/) or our secure email messaging service (https://contactus.stopitnow.org.uk/).
Take care.
We hope you are all well. We are glad to see your continued peer support and we hope it is helpful to each and every one of you during these difficult times.
We wanted to put out a reminder that our Stop It Now! helpline is an anonymous and confidential service. If the person of concern you are calling about is not known to the police, then we ask that you do not provide any identifying details about them or yourself. If we are able to identify someone who has committed a sexual offence (or other serious offences) then we would be dutybound to report them as ultimately, we are a child protection charity. However, I do not want this to deter any individual who needs support from our services to reach out and gain the support they need and deserve.
When you call the helpline, we will read out the confidentiality statement and ask for three pieces of information from you: your first name (this can be an alias), your age and the county you are calling from. This is not so that we can identify you but to write up secure notes of our conversation and support provided, so that if/when you call again in the future, you do not have to go through your whole situation again with a new advisor. We know that continuously reliving your situation can be traumatising and we are here to limit that experience. Confidentiality and anonymity will change if identifying details are given.
We are here to support you whether the person you are concerned about is known to the police or not and we hope you feel able to reach out to us if needed. If you have any further questions or would like some support, you can contact us on the Stop It Now! helpline on 0808 900 1000. The helpline is available Monday-Thursday, 9am-9pm and Friday 9am-5pm. Alternatively, you can contact us through our ‘Live Chat’ service (https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/helpline/live-chat/) or our secure email messaging service (https://contactus.stopitnow.org.uk/).
Take care.
Hi Danielle,
There are indeed men who find very young girls attractive and this doesn't mean that they would ever do them harm in the same way that men who have harmed children aren't actually attracted to them. Apart from the moral stance I think that if something upsets you and your partner is not willing to stop it that this isn't something you should accept. You deserve to be happy. Of course in relationships there is always compromise but is this something you can really compromise on? Please call the Helpline and get some advice. I genuinely wish you all the best xx
There are indeed men who find very young girls attractive and this doesn't mean that they would ever do them harm in the same way that men who have harmed children aren't actually attracted to them. Apart from the moral stance I think that if something upsets you and your partner is not willing to stop it that this isn't something you should accept. You deserve to be happy. Of course in relationships there is always compromise but is this something you can really compromise on? Please call the Helpline and get some advice. I genuinely wish you all the best xx
Dear Danielle
This is all about you. Not what he thinks os normal or acceptable but what you feel. Forget his justifications and concentrate on what you want and are willing to accept.
Personally i don't think it's harmless as a lot of men seem to claim when they are caught. My husband is saying it was a way to punish himself, mental self harm. I don't know yet how I feel about that. Brain is still a bit scrambled.
Maybe take some time to write it out? Your thoughts and feelings compared to his. Pros and cons of staying or going, mentally and financially. Maybe it will help get your head a little clearer.
Whatever you decide, it must be about you. These men are all putting themselves first, it's your turn now.
Take care x
This is all about you. Not what he thinks os normal or acceptable but what you feel. Forget his justifications and concentrate on what you want and are willing to accept.
Personally i don't think it's harmless as a lot of men seem to claim when they are caught. My husband is saying it was a way to punish himself, mental self harm. I don't know yet how I feel about that. Brain is still a bit scrambled.
Maybe take some time to write it out? Your thoughts and feelings compared to his. Pros and cons of staying or going, mentally and financially. Maybe it will help get your head a little clearer.
Whatever you decide, it must be about you. These men are all putting themselves first, it's your turn now.
Take care x