Another difficult day - Red flags
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The is an absolute emotional roller coaster but one I think I'm about to step off.
I've just found out my partner has not been honest - He was aware of the investigation before we started our relationship. He let me fall in love with him, build hopes of a family and was prepared to let me leave my home, my family and my job to be with him knowing that this was in the background and the dream we were building might not be possible.
I think everything else he's said regarding the charge is true but this dishonestly and lack of consideration as to my feelings and my life is what I struggle with the most. As often in hindsight I can see the red flags. I feel so stupid and gullible. It didn't make any sense why his case was going so quick or why they hadn't taken devices from him (they did when they first started the investigation). It all makes sense now.
He's clearly been in denial and tried to pretend it will go away. I still believe there is so much good in him but I don't think I could ever forgive this. I gave him so many opportunities to be open and honest with me and has let me live in anguish trying to unpick things and be cornered that he wasn't doing as much as he needed to on the legal side.
My mind is all over the place, but at the moment I feel a huge amount of relief, as things now make sense.
I don't know what I'll do long term, regarding staying in contact, it's all so fresh but I think this is the end of our relationship as a couple.
I've just found out my partner has not been honest - He was aware of the investigation before we started our relationship. He let me fall in love with him, build hopes of a family and was prepared to let me leave my home, my family and my job to be with him knowing that this was in the background and the dream we were building might not be possible.
I think everything else he's said regarding the charge is true but this dishonestly and lack of consideration as to my feelings and my life is what I struggle with the most. As often in hindsight I can see the red flags. I feel so stupid and gullible. It didn't make any sense why his case was going so quick or why they hadn't taken devices from him (they did when they first started the investigation). It all makes sense now.
He's clearly been in denial and tried to pretend it will go away. I still believe there is so much good in him but I don't think I could ever forgive this. I gave him so many opportunities to be open and honest with me and has let me live in anguish trying to unpick things and be cornered that he wasn't doing as much as he needed to on the legal side.
My mind is all over the place, but at the moment I feel a huge amount of relief, as things now make sense.
I don't know what I'll do long term, regarding staying in contact, it's all so fresh but I think this is the end of our relationship as a couple.
so sorry Sal. How long have you been together and how long as this investigation taken!?!
I'm glad you've found some clarity and whatever you chose to do you will be absolutely fine and come out the other end stronger x
I'm glad you've found some clarity and whatever you chose to do you will be absolutely fine and come out the other end stronger x
Hey Sal,
I'm so sorry to hear that, you've been so compassionate with him throughout. I think whatever you decide is incredibly brave and hope you get some happiness and peace. I haven't really got any words of wisdom but I know you'll be ok <3 xx
I'm so sorry to hear that, you've been so compassionate with him throughout. I think whatever you decide is incredibly brave and hope you get some happiness and peace. I haven't really got any words of wisdom but I know you'll be ok <3 xx
We've been together about a year. The investigation started a year and 3 months ago. The first I know of it was a month ago.
He's clearly terrified and completely buried his head in the sand and hope it'll go away. We were friends before and I know he was hoi v through a tough time.
How do you reconcile the kind, supportive, encouraging and loving person you fell in love with, with someone can do the things on the charge and be so deceitful
He's clearly terrified and completely buried his head in the sand and hope it'll go away. We were friends before and I know he was hoi v through a tough time.
How do you reconcile the kind, supportive, encouraging and loving person you fell in love with, with someone can do the things on the charge and be so deceitful
Oh sal I'm so very sorry to hear this.
Sending lots of love. I know it will have likely been panic and not a deliberate betrayal but it's immensely selfish and you deserve so much better than that.
I know it will be of little consolation but I hope this at least makes your decision about moving on or not a tiny bit easier xx
Sending lots of love. I know it will have likely been panic and not a deliberate betrayal but it's immensely selfish and you deserve so much better than that.
I know it will be of little consolation but I hope this at least makes your decision about moving on or not a tiny bit easier xx
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It was the lies and betrayal that did the most damage to me. He lied for over 18 months and gave me false hope. I8 months of walking on eggshells, life on hold, jumping at every knock on the door, phone call, police car in the street, supervised contact. The psychological damage to my child of the lies has been horrific.
I would never be able to trust him again ever. Not minimising them at all but the images are almost a separate issue to the destruction caused by his lies. I didn't think I would get through it but I'm slowly getting there. Loss of happiness, future plans but of course I still loved him. Over a year after finding out about his lies and no contact I had a sudden feeling of freedom, that I wasn't going to let his actions make me unhappy for the rest of my life. Of course I already knew that but knowing and feeling aren't aren't same. I supposed I realised that he wasn't the man that I loved so much because that man didn't exist. I strongly suspect he'd been doing it the whole time we were together.
Only you can decide what to do but if you can't trust him what do you have? I think those that chose to stay have to trust.
Think of yourself and what you want xx
I would never be able to trust him again ever. Not minimising them at all but the images are almost a separate issue to the destruction caused by his lies. I didn't think I would get through it but I'm slowly getting there. Loss of happiness, future plans but of course I still loved him. Over a year after finding out about his lies and no contact I had a sudden feeling of freedom, that I wasn't going to let his actions make me unhappy for the rest of my life. Of course I already knew that but knowing and feeling aren't aren't same. I supposed I realised that he wasn't the man that I loved so much because that man didn't exist. I strongly suspect he'd been doing it the whole time we were together.
Only you can decide what to do but if you can't trust him what do you have? I think those that chose to stay have to trust.
Think of yourself and what you want xx
Bitterbean,
That was me. Been together years and I thought I knew him. He said it must have been an accidental down load in the background or possibly 16 or 17 year olds at the worse. I thought that even if he'd looked at images he wouldn't ie to me and that I know if he was lying. We were told would take 6 weeks. For 18 months we carried on as normally as possible, holidays, work, etc etc. Somehow I took comfort in the thought that if he could have sex with me he must be telling the truth. Stupid I know. The longer it went on the more I thought that he wouldn't be able to keep up the pretence for so long.
I think he had Somehow put it away into a compartment and it was separate to real life. No idea how he dealt with court and sentencing because we've had no contact since.no explanation..nothing.
Turns out he'd been doing it for years, possibly before we met because computer had been replaced since then. Thousands and thousands of images, all categories and ages.No idea how he dealt with court and sentencing because we've had no contact since.no explanation.
makes me wonder if whole relationship was a lie and I think it was probably was.
not sure what made me feel most sick.. The images the lies, that we'd had sex, that I'd believed him. (It took a long time to forgive myself for that and for allowing to stay in my child's life and house).
Not saying yours isn't telling the truth. Just don't set yourself up for a fall like it did. Make sure you look after yourself xx
That was me. Been together years and I thought I knew him. He said it must have been an accidental down load in the background or possibly 16 or 17 year olds at the worse. I thought that even if he'd looked at images he wouldn't ie to me and that I know if he was lying. We were told would take 6 weeks. For 18 months we carried on as normally as possible, holidays, work, etc etc. Somehow I took comfort in the thought that if he could have sex with me he must be telling the truth. Stupid I know. The longer it went on the more I thought that he wouldn't be able to keep up the pretence for so long.
I think he had Somehow put it away into a compartment and it was separate to real life. No idea how he dealt with court and sentencing because we've had no contact since.no explanation..nothing.
Turns out he'd been doing it for years, possibly before we met because computer had been replaced since then. Thousands and thousands of images, all categories and ages.No idea how he dealt with court and sentencing because we've had no contact since.no explanation.
makes me wonder if whole relationship was a lie and I think it was probably was.
not sure what made me feel most sick.. The images the lies, that we'd had sex, that I'd believed him. (It took a long time to forgive myself for that and for allowing to stay in my child's life and house).
Not saying yours isn't telling the truth. Just don't set yourself up for a fall like it did. Make sure you look after yourself xx
Sal, Beccy and friends, please be kind to yourselves. We've been punished enough for things that weren't our fault and have paid a high price for loving our husbands, partners and sons.. We don't have to beat ourselves up too.
Take care.
Take care.