Total shock and devastation
Notifications OFF
Just over 9 months since the knock and after the police saying there was very little evidence that they had found the cps decided it should go to magistrates and then because he had pleaded guilty for sentencing today
Barrister thought suspended but I got a call to say he had been sentenced to 18 months. I am in shock and so worried about the future
Don't know what to do. What do I do about telling people what do I have to do. I hope someone can help me
Barrister thought suspended but I got a call to say he had been sentenced to 18 months. I am in shock and so worried about the future
Don't know what to do. What do I do about telling people what do I have to do. I hope someone can help me
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Hello,
I went through this in November. Happy to answer any questions. It does settle. He needs to get himself thrown into education and work to keep busy.
Sign up for email a prisoner once you know his prisoner number it'll be easier to communicate. It took a few weeks to set up phonecalls. Possessions will be confiscated due to risk of being soaked in drugs so stuff like paperwork he's taking won't be with him. If he needs phone numbers then send them in a letter or via the email service. The phone numbers need oking before he can call.
If you have concerns or questions about process call the prison. Ours have been very helpful.
Thinking of you.
I went through this in November. Happy to answer any questions. It does settle. He needs to get himself thrown into education and work to keep busy.
Sign up for email a prisoner once you know his prisoner number it'll be easier to communicate. It took a few weeks to set up phonecalls. Possessions will be confiscated due to risk of being soaked in drugs so stuff like paperwork he's taking won't be with him. If he needs phone numbers then send them in a letter or via the email service. The phone numbers need oking before he can call.
If you have concerns or questions about process call the prison. Ours have been very helpful.
Thinking of you.
Thank you. He pleaded guilty to possession of images the police at the time told himif he waited for a solicitor he would be there all day waiting for someone to come so he didn't have a solicitor until weeks later when I told him he needed to have someone to help him. He didn't have any numbers with him because he just wasn't expecting it. I did speak to him last night he said the judge didn't want to take into account anything in mitigation said the character references were nice but he wasn't taking them into consideration. His therapist had sent a report probation did their report suggesting suspended but the judge had other ideas
So far I have stood by him. He lived away from me a few miles away in a house share I feel like I don't know if he has lied to me and played things down. I didn't go to court with him. He said he didn't want me to be there in case of press and he didn't want me to be associated with it
The next few months will tell I guess as to what will happen to us. I am not telling my kids where he is. I have told 1 friend who helped me get his car back yesterday and wil, help me with no judgement. I have told my mum who is amazing at 88 and supports me with no judgement.
I have a massive feeling that I have done nothing wrong and yet the biggest punishment is on me having to sort all the crap left behind. I will have to tell his landlord and will have to clear his room out which is so full of stuff. Not sure what to do about where he was working as a delivery driver. He was on leave this week- my mind is ahead thinking did he know and was buying himself some time. I move house in 2 weeks from our family home of 30+ years. All my stuff will go into storage and I will stay with my mum until I buy another house which I will now have to do by myself because I doubt someone in prison will get a mortgage!
You are right I do need to stop myself from running ahead just feels so massive and so much I need to do.
Thank you for your replies. I will keep posting and hope the tears stop soon x
So far I have stood by him. He lived away from me a few miles away in a house share I feel like I don't know if he has lied to me and played things down. I didn't go to court with him. He said he didn't want me to be there in case of press and he didn't want me to be associated with it
The next few months will tell I guess as to what will happen to us. I am not telling my kids where he is. I have told 1 friend who helped me get his car back yesterday and wil, help me with no judgement. I have told my mum who is amazing at 88 and supports me with no judgement.
I have a massive feeling that I have done nothing wrong and yet the biggest punishment is on me having to sort all the crap left behind. I will have to tell his landlord and will have to clear his room out which is so full of stuff. Not sure what to do about where he was working as a delivery driver. He was on leave this week- my mind is ahead thinking did he know and was buying himself some time. I move house in 2 weeks from our family home of 30+ years. All my stuff will go into storage and I will stay with my mum until I buy another house which I will now have to do by myself because I doubt someone in prison will get a mortgage!
You are right I do need to stop myself from running ahead just feels so massive and so much I need to do.
Thank you for your replies. I will keep posting and hope the tears stop soon x
Your court experience sounds so similar. Judge disregarded all mitigation- including Lucy Faithful course, counselling, references etc.
It's so unfair.
I'm also going solo on a mortgage as a result. So tough.
I didn't deal with his belongings. I took the most personal stuff then left the landlord to it. Just remember this is nor your crime. It feels like a punishment but you are not responsible for the mess he has left behind. I found this very difficult and it caused significant pressure.
R.e. Work. I emailed work from his email and told them he wouldn't be returning. Gave no reason and told them no ti contact me.
It's hard to see but it does get easier. You'll get a routine xxx
It's so unfair.
I'm also going solo on a mortgage as a result. So tough.
I didn't deal with his belongings. I took the most personal stuff then left the landlord to it. Just remember this is nor your crime. It feels like a punishment but you are not responsible for the mess he has left behind. I found this very difficult and it caused significant pressure.
R.e. Work. I emailed work from his email and told them he wouldn't be returning. Gave no reason and told them no ti contact me.
It's hard to see but it does get easier. You'll get a routine xxx
Thanks Sarah. I will need to go to his room to get some of my stuff. I don't have his phone with his landlord contact on but will ask him about his email and will email work
Will I be able to find out anymore concrete details of what went on at court - what was said and the reasons the judge did not want to suspend his sentence. I feel like I need to know so I will know if he has been lying to me to make it seem better than it was
i feel like I am far too emotional and need to get a grip and then I remind myself it was only yesterday
Will I be able to find out anymore concrete details of what went on at court - what was said and the reasons the judge did not want to suspend his sentence. I feel like I need to know so I will know if he has been lying to me to make it seem better than it was
i feel like I am far too emotional and need to get a grip and then I remind myself it was only yesterday
Can you say what the nature of the charges were? As I understand it,magistrates can sentence up to only 6 months.That was pointed outby a QC on R4 this morning.
As much as I understand that prison is a tough place to be being left outside is equally difficult. I found it hard to listen to his moaning about prison life when I'd guided my children through school after media reporting, uprooting my settled children and the list goes on. After a long rant he now understands how tough it is outside!
Make sure you get support for yourself. Everyone says it but it's your number one priority. I ignored my emotions for 18 months and that decision has come back to bite me!
Unlock are a good resource for prison information and advice on next steps. I also was allocated a liaison officer from probation who updates me regularly and answers questions - I had to ask for this though not something they do routinely unless you're a victim (which we are but they don't see that).
Echoing above- children heard and seen are fantastic.
You're right it was only yesterday. Don't check yourself for being upset. It's extremely hard. You're grieving for a person and a change. One you didn't ask for!
Make sure you get support for yourself. Everyone says it but it's your number one priority. I ignored my emotions for 18 months and that decision has come back to bite me!
Unlock are a good resource for prison information and advice on next steps. I also was allocated a liaison officer from probation who updates me regularly and answers questions - I had to ask for this though not something they do routinely unless you're a victim (which we are but they don't see that).
Echoing above- children heard and seen are fantastic.
You're right it was only yesterday. Don't check yourself for being upset. It's extremely hard. You're grieving for a person and a change. One you didn't ask for!
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I don't feel so alone now so thank you
xx
xx
Thank you Lee
I appreciate your advice. I think I will ask for the transcript or at least look into that for my own knowledge for making future decisions. I can ask his solicitor but that is what they heard and may not be what was actually said
I shyed away from posting before but I am so glad I reached out. Xx
I appreciate your advice. I think I will ask for the transcript or at least look into that for my own knowledge for making future decisions. I can ask his solicitor but that is what they heard and may not be what was actually said
I shyed away from posting before but I am so glad I reached out. Xx
Hiya Grace.
So sorry to hear this news.
I hope you are ok. Sending virtual ((hugs)).
If you don't mind what did he get sentenced for ?
Xx
So sorry to hear this news.
I hope you are ok. Sending virtual ((hugs)).
If you don't mind what did he get sentenced for ?
Xx
So sorry Grace. If possible take some time to regain your own strength before pitching into what sounds like a very long list of things to do.Easy for me to say.
I was interested in what Lee.said about obtaining the transcript. My husband does not want me to attend court so I will follow that up.
I was interested in what Lee.said about obtaining the transcript. My husband does not want me to attend court so I will follow that up.
So sorry Grace, you must be in a state of shock.
you do need to find out what the exact sentence was for to ensure you know the truth and can make an informed decision on your future. Hugs x
Sarah and the ladies who mention having to tell partners work, did they not tell work prior to court? We are still torn when to tell his work x
you do need to find out what the exact sentence was for to ensure you know the truth and can make an informed decision on your future. Hugs x
Sarah and the ladies who mention having to tell partners work, did they not tell work prior to court? We are still torn when to tell his work x
Thanks Lee. I decided I don't want full disclosure at present, even though my husband would be agreeable to that. So maybe I would consider the transcript option at some point in the future.
Just wanted to say that the advice I received has been so helpful. If anyone at what ever stage of this awful process feels alone or needs to vent or needs advice please post on here I will no longer worry about speaking up
I am at the beginning of this next stage. A very long way to go but for the first time today I feel like I have done something practical
I have set up email and worked out how to send money
it's still overwhelming at times and know that will last a while
Stay safe everyone and carry on supporting each other. It makes a massive difference. Lots of love xx
I am at the beginning of this next stage. A very long way to go but for the first time today I feel like I have done something practical
I have set up email and worked out how to send money
it's still overwhelming at times and know that will last a while
Stay safe everyone and carry on supporting each other. It makes a massive difference. Lots of love xx
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Grace 12 I'm pleased you are feeling better. My partner is preparing for a custodial. We live apart, not because of this, so he's sorting out all practical things for his house and finances.
Is there anything you'd wished you'd done or known earlier to help prepare / be able to support your partner from the outside? Thinking things that might make it easier, more comfortable for him. I've read things like having a note book with contact details and other key information - Things like this.
The chances are that we will separate but I will do my best to support him where I practically and emotionally can.
Is there anything you'd wished you'd done or known earlier to help prepare / be able to support your partner from the outside? Thinking things that might make it easier, more comfortable for him. I've read things like having a note book with contact details and other key information - Things like this.
The chances are that we will separate but I will do my best to support him where I practically and emotionally can.
I'm in the same boat today Grace. Ten months custodial after 16 month wait. In shock because the pre sentence report was good and the barrister felt confident. Feel like it's the day of the knock all over again. When will this end!!!! I'm waiting for the media to hit and worrying about telling people . Why do we have to suffer like this
Dear Grace12 and Luce
I'm sorry you are living through (most of us) our worst nightmare. We had the knock in November. 1st time was 13 years ago but I believed it when he denied it and police let it all drop.
The only thing I've learnt through all this is that sitting in the bath and letting myself have a good old cry is actually a good thing. I do it in the bath so the noise from running taps and extractor block out any sound. It's kind of therapeutic and you should not feel like crying is a bad thing if you want to simply cry your eyes out. Don't berate yourself for being distraught at all this, it is so new, you are allowed to be in shock and grief for now.
There is some really good advice above from ladies that know what they are talking about. I will be getting a court transcript for sure if my situation goes that far.
Personally I think you are showing incredible strength by not staying under your duvet and pretending the world doesn't exist. Stay strong, sending huge hugs x
I'm sorry you are living through (most of us) our worst nightmare. We had the knock in November. 1st time was 13 years ago but I believed it when he denied it and police let it all drop.
The only thing I've learnt through all this is that sitting in the bath and letting myself have a good old cry is actually a good thing. I do it in the bath so the noise from running taps and extractor block out any sound. It's kind of therapeutic and you should not feel like crying is a bad thing if you want to simply cry your eyes out. Don't berate yourself for being distraught at all this, it is so new, you are allowed to be in shock and grief for now.
There is some really good advice above from ladies that know what they are talking about. I will be getting a court transcript for sure if my situation goes that far.
Personally I think you are showing incredible strength by not staying under your duvet and pretending the world doesn't exist. Stay strong, sending huge hugs x
I was totally unprepared for a custodial because the reports were all positive the barrister was convinced it would be suspended. It was like the judge had made his mind up before the sentencing had started
so unprepared that his room is full of his stuff and when I spoke to him today he said there was a sandwich on his bed ready for when he got back
I think talking to his solicitor before hand having more information would have helped and may have helped me not to be scared of the charges
Definitely knowing how we would communicate, what he needed contact numbers when I could visit and how that is arranged
The advice I have got on here has helped so much over the last 3 days. Xx
so unprepared that his room is full of his stuff and when I spoke to him today he said there was a sandwich on his bed ready for when he got back
I think talking to his solicitor before hand having more information would have helped and may have helped me not to be scared of the charges
Definitely knowing how we would communicate, what he needed contact numbers when I could visit and how that is arranged
The advice I have got on here has helped so much over the last 3 days. Xx
Hi Grace
how are you bearing up and how is your other half? X I'm finding it emotionally difficult post sentencing and the media reports were horrific and far more sensational than I anticipated. Hope you've managed to get to grips with prison info. Not heard anything this weekend so have been worrying.
thanks Annamarie x
hugs to all on this horrible road
how are you bearing up and how is your other half? X I'm finding it emotionally difficult post sentencing and the media reports were horrific and far more sensational than I anticipated. Hope you've managed to get to grips with prison info. Not heard anything this weekend so have been worrying.
thanks Annamarie x
hugs to all on this horrible road
Hi Grace!
how are you doing huni? I was exactly where you are now just over 12 months ago. My partner was sentenced to 18 months and served 9. All involved were absolutely convinced it would be suspended, but it wasn't. It was the toughest time of my life, but I/we survived it. I'm here if you if you need any support or guidance.
As you can see there's lots of ladies here to listen and have experience. You are not alone X
sending hugs
Blue X
how are you doing huni? I was exactly where you are now just over 12 months ago. My partner was sentenced to 18 months and served 9. All involved were absolutely convinced it would be suspended, but it wasn't. It was the toughest time of my life, but I/we survived it. I'm here if you if you need any support or guidance.
As you can see there's lots of ladies here to listen and have experience. You are not alone X
sending hugs
Blue X
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Hi Blue
i haven't been on for a while I have tried to just carry on. Managed to sort and finish the sale of the house and now moved into my mums for a while
it still all feels surreal I speak to him most days. It is the weirdest thing he has so much time to think about things my mind is racing constantly with work with bills with planning with working out what needs to be done next. He keeps talking about the fact he left food in his fridge and have I moved it yet
what happens when they get out? Do they have to go to a hostel or something? How was your partner? Does it take a long time to adjust being put?
I am worrying already about how he will be and how we will get on. He wasn't living with me before he was sentenced and I don't know how I feel about him coming to live with me straight away
I need to deal with it day at a time but the evenings are the worst when my mind wanders
It is a sad place to be
xx
i haven't been on for a while I have tried to just carry on. Managed to sort and finish the sale of the house and now moved into my mums for a while
it still all feels surreal I speak to him most days. It is the weirdest thing he has so much time to think about things my mind is racing constantly with work with bills with planning with working out what needs to be done next. He keeps talking about the fact he left food in his fridge and have I moved it yet
what happens when they get out? Do they have to go to a hostel or something? How was your partner? Does it take a long time to adjust being put?
I am worrying already about how he will be and how we will get on. He wasn't living with me before he was sentenced and I don't know how I feel about him coming to live with me straight away
I need to deal with it day at a time but the evenings are the worst when my mind wanders
It is a sad place to be
xx
Hi Grace12
I was wondering how you were doing. Sounds like you have plenty to keep yourself busy but I know what you mean about night times when your mind starts ticking over as it has nothing else to keep it occupied. In the past I did a guided imagery exercise to use before sleep. It involved identifying your worry/ problem, then folding it away, placing it in a box and closing the lid. Or there was an exercise where you were allowed only two minutes to worry and then had to stop. Neither worked for me but I'm a hard core insomniac! Perhaps you will have more luck.
I'm afraid I can't help with the prison discharge plans but I'd assume your other half will be getting information nearer the time. My husband has sentencing on Tuesday and today we heard the Police and the Criminal Justice Social Worker (Probation equivalent up here in Scotland) have assessed him as low risk and recommended a community sentence. We hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Take care Grace12.
I was wondering how you were doing. Sounds like you have plenty to keep yourself busy but I know what you mean about night times when your mind starts ticking over as it has nothing else to keep it occupied. In the past I did a guided imagery exercise to use before sleep. It involved identifying your worry/ problem, then folding it away, placing it in a box and closing the lid. Or there was an exercise where you were allowed only two minutes to worry and then had to stop. Neither worked for me but I'm a hard core insomniac! Perhaps you will have more luck.
I'm afraid I can't help with the prison discharge plans but I'd assume your other half will be getting information nearer the time. My husband has sentencing on Tuesday and today we heard the Police and the Criminal Justice Social Worker (Probation equivalent up here in Scotland) have assessed him as low risk and recommended a community sentence. We hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Take care Grace12.
Hi Judith
By now you will have had sentencing. How did it go?
I hope you got the community sentence you were hoping for and that you can start to rebuild
im ok. Same old roller coaster keeping busy but feeling sad a lot of the time. Sleep is not my greatest success but I will keep trying
Make sure you look after you x
By now you will have had sentencing. How did it go?
I hope you got the community sentence you were hoping for and that you can start to rebuild
im ok. Same old roller coaster keeping busy but feeling sad a lot of the time. Sleep is not my greatest success but I will keep trying
Make sure you look after you x
Hello Grace
Thanks for asking. Unfortunately sentencing was postponed for the second time. Don't get me started, but suffice to say the Criminal Justice Social Worker is not my favourite person just now. We have a new date of 14th March.
Glad you are hanging on in there. Life must seem so strange, but try to look after yourself.
Kind regards x
Thanks for asking. Unfortunately sentencing was postponed for the second time. Don't get me started, but suffice to say the Criminal Justice Social Worker is not my favourite person just now. We have a new date of 14th March.
Glad you are hanging on in there. Life must seem so strange, but try to look after yourself.
Kind regards x
Hi Judith
You poor things having it postponed again. I am not sure who this system sets out to punish but it definitely feels like the partners and parents and children are on that list
I still feel like I have so much to sort but feel like I am not doing so good. But we keep going don't we !
Take care x
You poor things having it postponed again. I am not sure who this system sets out to punish but it definitely feels like the partners and parents and children are on that list
I still feel like I have so much to sort but feel like I am not doing so good. But we keep going don't we !
Take care x