Bad to worse
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Not posted for a few weeks as I've been reeling from the shock of another discovery about my husband.
I debated about whether to post or not, as it feels like I'm telling a story rather than looking for advice. But then I remembered that this forum is about support too and I need that right now!
It's coming up to six weeks since the knock, which was the second one. The first was eight years ago - he got a caution and put on the register for two years. I forgave him and learned to trust again. I wish I hadn't.
Two weeks ago I got a Facebook message out of the blue from a woman telling me she'd met my husband in a chatroom eight years ago when she was 16 and suffering from anorexia. They went on to have a two-year relationship in which they shared and he took images of her - some of them in our house when I was away. They had sex in my bed. I thought the police or my husband must have spoken to her, which is why she messaged me but, no, it was pure coincidence.
So after intitally being arrested on suspicion of attempting to facilitate a child sex offence and making an indecent image of a child (fantasy chatroom conversations in which people posted links to photos and he opened), he's now being investigated for actually taking photos of a vulnerable teenager, and over a long period of time.
Because of my job I've had to disclose her message to the police, who had actually been trying to find out who she was after finding images of her on my husband's phone. Now they know and she's talking to them about what happened.
I've also had to disclose what's happening to the organisations that govern my profession. Thankfully, they've been ok as it's not me under investigation. The police have had to inform the Local Authority Designated Officer, as I sometimes work with vulnerable teenagers and they need to know that I have been safeguarding them effectively. Not heard from them yet.
He moved out a few weeks ago, I've filed for divorce, I'm getting a financial consent order so that I don't have to lose my home, and I'm changing my name.
I can't even begin to describe all the emotions I'm going through - anger, sadness, revulsion, fear - all so bloody extreme they feel totally overwhelming. Luckily my doctor has prescribed me sleeping tablets and beta blockers.
The fallout of this shit on others is enormous. My in-laws, my mum, my son (who's thankfully an adult), our friends - everyone is devastated and can't get their heads around the fact that a man they thought was such a good person could do such horrendous things. He really was living two separate lives and has been for 20 years - something else I've just discovered.
I have no idea of what charges will be brought against him - it's all such a horrible mess. And he has lost everything apart from his job. I pray he has hit rockbottom and can start to recover from this once and for all.
If you've read this far, thank you. I needed to let it all out.
J x
I debated about whether to post or not, as it feels like I'm telling a story rather than looking for advice. But then I remembered that this forum is about support too and I need that right now!
It's coming up to six weeks since the knock, which was the second one. The first was eight years ago - he got a caution and put on the register for two years. I forgave him and learned to trust again. I wish I hadn't.
Two weeks ago I got a Facebook message out of the blue from a woman telling me she'd met my husband in a chatroom eight years ago when she was 16 and suffering from anorexia. They went on to have a two-year relationship in which they shared and he took images of her - some of them in our house when I was away. They had sex in my bed. I thought the police or my husband must have spoken to her, which is why she messaged me but, no, it was pure coincidence.
So after intitally being arrested on suspicion of attempting to facilitate a child sex offence and making an indecent image of a child (fantasy chatroom conversations in which people posted links to photos and he opened), he's now being investigated for actually taking photos of a vulnerable teenager, and over a long period of time.
Because of my job I've had to disclose her message to the police, who had actually been trying to find out who she was after finding images of her on my husband's phone. Now they know and she's talking to them about what happened.
I've also had to disclose what's happening to the organisations that govern my profession. Thankfully, they've been ok as it's not me under investigation. The police have had to inform the Local Authority Designated Officer, as I sometimes work with vulnerable teenagers and they need to know that I have been safeguarding them effectively. Not heard from them yet.
He moved out a few weeks ago, I've filed for divorce, I'm getting a financial consent order so that I don't have to lose my home, and I'm changing my name.
I can't even begin to describe all the emotions I'm going through - anger, sadness, revulsion, fear - all so bloody extreme they feel totally overwhelming. Luckily my doctor has prescribed me sleeping tablets and beta blockers.
The fallout of this shit on others is enormous. My in-laws, my mum, my son (who's thankfully an adult), our friends - everyone is devastated and can't get their heads around the fact that a man they thought was such a good person could do such horrendous things. He really was living two separate lives and has been for 20 years - something else I've just discovered.
I have no idea of what charges will be brought against him - it's all such a horrible mess. And he has lost everything apart from his job. I pray he has hit rockbottom and can start to recover from this once and for all.
If you've read this far, thank you. I needed to let it all out.
J x
Josephine,
i wanted to respond just to say I have read this account. I hope writing this down has eased some pain. It’s blooming awful that he has caused this trauma in your life.
i think these men must have two personalities. In still getting my head around my betrayal.
you sound strong and brave but I know you never asked for this what a shock for you. I hope you have some support. Both from friends and family and maybe professional counselling to help support you process it.
I Will be thinking of you tomorrow hope your son is showing you how valued you are.
keep going and posting in. We are all with you.
xxx
i wanted to respond just to say I have read this account. I hope writing this down has eased some pain. It’s blooming awful that he has caused this trauma in your life.
i think these men must have two personalities. In still getting my head around my betrayal.
you sound strong and brave but I know you never asked for this what a shock for you. I hope you have some support. Both from friends and family and maybe professional counselling to help support you process it.
I Will be thinking of you tomorrow hope your son is showing you how valued you are.
keep going and posting in. We are all with you.
xxx
Thank you Bethlou.
My friends and family have been brilliant. And I'm starting back seeing my counsellor on Monday.
Realising that this isn't my shame to carry and talking about it openly has really helped me unburden myself. I carried the secret of his caution and SOR eight years ago and I'm not doing the same again. I think it's part of my healing.
Love and hugs to you.
J x
My friends and family have been brilliant. And I'm starting back seeing my counsellor on Monday.
Realising that this isn't my shame to carry and talking about it openly has really helped me unburden myself. I carried the secret of his caution and SOR eight years ago and I'm not doing the same again. I think it's part of my healing.
Love and hugs to you.
J x
Oh I am pleased to hear this, it’s certainly not our shame. But oh my what a story they have given us. I am certainly stronger than before. Trying to make sense of something completely beyond my comprehension and control.
I have weekly counselling sessions at the moment too, I love that time just for me.
I am so pleased you have such support from your family. I also feel it’s hard on them seeing us go through all of this deceit.
I think it’s so good you have decided not to be brought down by the shame of his offending. Sometimes I find it hard getting through the days but I just don’t want to be dragged down by his issues. They are their issues. I think I said before while I hugely respect the men who have turned their lives around. My partner is still not there. And I personally don’t think I can get over the betrayal. I am still so angry he brought social services into my life and I have had to share his secrets with my employer.
I think you said earlier work is being good to you, but it’s still so hard knowing that our work places know about our private lives!!!
I feel angry for you that you have had to experience this more than once. Xxx
I have weekly counselling sessions at the moment too, I love that time just for me.
I am so pleased you have such support from your family. I also feel it’s hard on them seeing us go through all of this deceit.
I think it’s so good you have decided not to be brought down by the shame of his offending. Sometimes I find it hard getting through the days but I just don’t want to be dragged down by his issues. They are their issues. I think I said before while I hugely respect the men who have turned their lives around. My partner is still not there. And I personally don’t think I can get over the betrayal. I am still so angry he brought social services into my life and I have had to share his secrets with my employer.
I think you said earlier work is being good to you, but it’s still so hard knowing that our work places know about our private lives!!!
I feel angry for you that you have had to experience this more than once. Xxx
It's so important for us to remember that this is their issue and their's alone. We have done nothing wrong and nothing to deserve this.
So pleased counselling is giving you what you need. I would recommend it to anyone in our situation.
I want to think my husband has hit rock bottom but I honestly don't know if he will ever recover from this god-awful addiction. I've decided that if I will go to court - not that we've heard if it is yet. I want to know all there is to know. But in saying that, I will only ever know what the police have undercovered and will never know if that's the extent of it.
Stay strong.
J x
So pleased counselling is giving you what you need. I would recommend it to anyone in our situation.
I want to think my husband has hit rock bottom but I honestly don't know if he will ever recover from this god-awful addiction. I've decided that if I will go to court - not that we've heard if it is yet. I want to know all there is to know. But in saying that, I will only ever know what the police have undercovered and will never know if that's the extent of it.
Stay strong.
J x
I want to go to court too, I know people have said it’s very hard but think I need to hear what has happened.
yoye very kind Josephine ending your message wishing me to be strong. We are all amazing women ( and a few men on here)
i appreciate that we are not the first people to go through this addiction. I just wish that children were never abused out there. It saddens me greatly. I do get that my husband has had his own trauma but he is now an adult and these poor kids are innocent.
yoye very kind Josephine ending your message wishing me to be strong. We are all amazing women ( and a few men on here)
i appreciate that we are not the first people to go through this addiction. I just wish that children were never abused out there. It saddens me greatly. I do get that my husband has had his own trauma but he is now an adult and these poor kids are innocent.
Hi ladies
Just wanted to say you're both amazing and showing such strength and courage
I went to court on all occasions because I wanted to know exactly what he'd done and was being charged with as he'd never been honest.
It was really hard and during the sentencing the judge was so graphic with descriptions of what was in the images and the names of sites he'd been looking at. The oldest child was 8 and it was little boys and girls - horrific and horrendous and I'm struggling to get the images of those poor children out of my head BUT it did help! In a weird way it justified my marriage going down the pan, it made me see that although I knew he'd lied, the true extent was nothing like I'd thought!
Apparently judges aren't always as graphic but will if there is no remorse shown, which they wasn't at all. He was arrogant in the dock shaking his head at the judge and when he was told to go with the guard to go to prison, he looked at his brothers, raised his eyebrows and walked off, no emotion, nothing!!
How you both have a fab day tomorrow with your children, no matter how old they are!
Lots of love xx
Just wanted to say you're both amazing and showing such strength and courage
I went to court on all occasions because I wanted to know exactly what he'd done and was being charged with as he'd never been honest.
It was really hard and during the sentencing the judge was so graphic with descriptions of what was in the images and the names of sites he'd been looking at. The oldest child was 8 and it was little boys and girls - horrific and horrendous and I'm struggling to get the images of those poor children out of my head BUT it did help! In a weird way it justified my marriage going down the pan, it made me see that although I knew he'd lied, the true extent was nothing like I'd thought!
Apparently judges aren't always as graphic but will if there is no remorse shown, which they wasn't at all. He was arrogant in the dock shaking his head at the judge and when he was told to go with the guard to go to prison, he looked at his brothers, raised his eyebrows and walked off, no emotion, nothing!!
How you both have a fab day tomorrow with your children, no matter how old they are!
Lots of love xx
When will they learn? DO they learn? I’m just over two weeks in and I’m already learning about new lies that have been withheld from me. My partner is being “honest” now because he doesn’t want things to come as a surprise. Instead it just hurts and I feel like I don’t know the man I’m engaged to marry.
Has anyone else had feelings that they’ve been taken for a fool? I know I couldn’t have known what he was doing, but I felt like if someone described this character to me, I’d never have aligned it with my partner. I feel so conflicted. I’m drained.
Has anyone else had feelings that they’ve been taken for a fool? I know I couldn’t have known what he was doing, but I felt like if someone described this character to me, I’d never have aligned it with my partner. I feel so conflicted. I’m drained.
Poster your so right.
Tracey thank you for your kind words. We are all strong.
I hope all of you have a good day whether your mums to little children , grown ups or even the four legged family members. Take time out for yourselfs today.
we maybe a virtual group but we are real people who do need this connection and I am so greatful that we can all share our experiences and thoughts.
xxxx
today is absolutely not about them it’s about us xxxx
Tracey thank you for your kind words. We are all strong.
I hope all of you have a good day whether your mums to little children , grown ups or even the four legged family members. Take time out for yourselfs today.
we maybe a virtual group but we are real people who do need this connection and I am so greatful that we can all share our experiences and thoughts.
xxxx
today is absolutely not about them it’s about us xxxx
Tracey - I only hope I have your strength and courage when it comes to court. A friend called today and said he would come with me - my husband’s family really don’t want to hear the details, and who can blame them?
I’ve been to the gym, I’ve baked and done things that nourish me today. I got beautiful flowers and a card from my son, who lives and works a long way from me. In his card he called me the kindest, most amazing, strong person he knows. And that we will get through this together.
I’m passing those words on to you wonderful women because that’s what you are too. And we will get through this together.
Mother’s Day hugs to you all.
J x
I’ve been to the gym, I’ve baked and done things that nourish me today. I got beautiful flowers and a card from my son, who lives and works a long way from me. In his card he called me the kindest, most amazing, strong person he knows. And that we will get through this together.
I’m passing those words on to you wonderful women because that’s what you are too. And we will get through this together.
Mother’s Day hugs to you all.
J x