Almost 2 years
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It will soon be 2 years since my ex husband was arrested after a online sting, we separated the day it happened, my reasons didn't just involve his crime we had been together 20 years and things had gone bad before the sting this just gave me the push to end it, I still grieved for both myself and children over the circumstances and the impact it had on all of our lives and still has, he is still under investigation, I haven't had the financial means to get a divorce yet as he is job less and unsupportive, so my children and house bills have all been left to me so priorities have been supporting ourselfs, since his arrest I have felt with social services whom put the children on a care plan under my supervision and left me to it so it's been down to me to supervise all contact, I've never withdrew this as I believe all kids need both parents in there life's and it's there choice to choose once old enough, 2 of mine are now 16 and 18 and have chosen not to have contact, but my 9 year old has been having weekly calls and a fortnightly visit where I take her to him, despite this being awful for me and very triggering I have done it, I'm now at a point where I feel I've done enough and it's now up to him to sort out someone to supervise if he wants to continue, as far as I am aware he has done nothing to address the behaviour that led to the arrest, he lives in the attic room at his parents and has hardly left the house in two years due to him not wanting to face anyone who knows him and that saw the social media video- he was well known in the area and the video was shared a lot, There seems no change in him what so ever and no drive to do anything about changing his situation, his parents are elderly and of Ill health and it feels to me he is just leaching of them aswell as playing the long term sick card, I guess I see so many posts on here about men owning up to there wrongs and making efforts in changing there futures yet I just don't see it with him and I'm not sure this is something I want my youngest to continue seeing, I'm hopeful it all comes to a conclusion soon and I find out the truths but for now I live in a limbo of the what ifs and the still having to consider him rather than moving on with my own life, I'm ranting on and I haven't posted much before but follow all your stories and send love to you all xx
Hi Woody
It's a very sad story Woody. When the offending behaviour first comes to light we are all shocked,, devastated. We then, somehow, make it through the awful waiting period, then arrest, charging and sentencing. But that is only half the story because our relationships, employment, kids, finances and health are all put under huge strain. The least we can hope for, whether we stay or split from our partners, is that they will seek to address and change their behaviour, to seek to live a better life.
I am so sorry your partner seems unable to do this, for whatever reason. There is help out there for him ranging from mental health support to education ( e.g. the Inform + course) to support with addictions, benefits etc. But only he can do this. He has to be responsible for his own recovery from this low point and it must be really frustrating when you feel he isn't doing that. I wonder if his parents are aware he can get help ? Do they have any support themselves? I am just wondering whether they might find it useful to contact Stop It Now to discuss the situation?
Take care.
It's a very sad story Woody. When the offending behaviour first comes to light we are all shocked,, devastated. We then, somehow, make it through the awful waiting period, then arrest, charging and sentencing. But that is only half the story because our relationships, employment, kids, finances and health are all put under huge strain. The least we can hope for, whether we stay or split from our partners, is that they will seek to address and change their behaviour, to seek to live a better life.
I am so sorry your partner seems unable to do this, for whatever reason. There is help out there for him ranging from mental health support to education ( e.g. the Inform + course) to support with addictions, benefits etc. But only he can do this. He has to be responsible for his own recovery from this low point and it must be really frustrating when you feel he isn't doing that. I wonder if his parents are aware he can get help ? Do they have any support themselves? I am just wondering whether they might find it useful to contact Stop It Now to discuss the situation?
Take care.
I'm sorry you've been put in this awful situation woody. I can imagine it's very hard having to be the one to sort out and supervise contact with someone who is treating you badly,even without the trauma of all the other stuff!
I'm afraid I don't have much I can offer in the way of advice but have you considered talking to social services about the difficulties and asking them if they can offer any support? Maybe they could provide a contact centre or help by discusing with your ex or your year old about expectations and realistic plans for the future that don't put te onus on you?
It's so draining when you're expected to be the one running around afer someone else who isn't making an effort and really isn't fair so perhaps someone else could take the pressure off you in that respect.
Wishing you all the best xx
I'm afraid I don't have much I can offer in the way of advice but have you considered talking to social services about the difficulties and asking them if they can offer any support? Maybe they could provide a contact centre or help by discusing with your ex or your year old about expectations and realistic plans for the future that don't put te onus on you?
It's so draining when you're expected to be the one running around afer someone else who isn't making an effort and really isn't fair so perhaps someone else could take the pressure off you in that respect.
Wishing you all the best xx
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Thanks for your reply's, I've have given his parents all the information available to seek help, it feels like they are 'awaiting to see what happens' and are unable to realise the impact of all that has happened this is all so sad.
I have asked about a contact centre but his reply was I'm not willing to do that as I don't feel safe leaving the house so he put his feelings over his daughters, yet I have always put her first, she wants to keep seeing her dad, I have been age appropriate honest with her and told her it's hard for me to keep seeing him and I think she gets it, due to covid between us we haven't actually done contact since Christmas, I was due to take her today but his parents said no to us visiting due to there health so it's been put on hold for now, I think I should just stop being the one trying to keep there connection leave him to make the moves towards a future with her.
im so lucky to have a best friend that has been there from day one, life has always been tough and I've faced a lot of challenges this one being the toughest that just doesn't go away, thanks all
I have asked about a contact centre but his reply was I'm not willing to do that as I don't feel safe leaving the house so he put his feelings over his daughters, yet I have always put her first, she wants to keep seeing her dad, I have been age appropriate honest with her and told her it's hard for me to keep seeing him and I think she gets it, due to covid between us we haven't actually done contact since Christmas, I was due to take her today but his parents said no to us visiting due to there health so it's been put on hold for now, I think I should just stop being the one trying to keep there connection leave him to make the moves towards a future with her.
im so lucky to have a best friend that has been there from day one, life has always been tough and I've faced a lot of challenges this one being the toughest that just doesn't go away, thanks all
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Bitterbean thanks your possibly right as I have been taken advantage off in the past, I'm going to step right back, I'm fingers crossed that it finally comes to a conclusion soon with the investigation part so we can all move forward with sentencing etc and as my friend puts it get some type of new life back for myself x