Family and Friends Forum

Hi, we have are at child in need level so im not sure how the child protection process works. Are the assessments being done by the assessment team or your allocated social worker. If its the assessment team then after they have made their initial assessment you will be allocated a social worker and have a child protection meeting which will likely be a multi agency meeting (with police, health professionals, school/nursery etc). If its your allocated social worker then they will be working on ensuring the safety of your child and levels of risk. All areas work differently so never be afraid to ask social services what they are doing and why. It also depends what your wishes are, are you seeking supervised access, do you want him to live at home or are you separating. Our wishes wete for my partner to move home, he has been allowed supervised access from the start (i think it depends on the allegation whether someone is allowed supervised access from the start). So they were working on risk associated with him returning home. We both have had many many meetings and are lives picked apart, it's been an awful experience but there is nothing to hide. They will want to know from him what has been doing, why, his understanding of everything and eventually all about his life, and they will do the same for you. But it depends on your social worker and the policies in your area, if in doubt ask them what they are doing, what are you going to be talking about and why they are doing it.

My partner has not been charged so not bailed. Police told SS and they did a S47 enquiry. My partner never asked to leave house. Went to child protection conference after the SW had written an assessment. They will talk to people or agencies involved in your kids lives - school etc. All my kids put on CP plan - it seems different depending on where you live. But my partner still in house and staying overnight so I think if partner not in house and staying elsewhere they usually do it as children in need plan.

It is very very intrusive and be prepared for the professionals to misinterpret things and just plainly get things wrong. I don’t know how often I have to tell them my date of birth is wrong but nobody ever corrects it. Make notes for yourself after every contact (phone or face to face) with SS and anyone else involved. It all gets out of control quite quickly if you don’t and you can’t remember who said what.

Be clear in your mind what you want as a family and stand your ground. I dont know what your partner has been accused of so the level of risk will be looked st a bit differently depending on the accusation. Remember SWs are not experts on this stuff so they just have personal opinions not often based on any evidence.

Also Family Rights Group are good in explaining the process and your rights on their website - they have a good video showing what a child protection conference is like

I'm so confused about SS as they seem inconsistent. Mine just wanted to hear that my husband isn't living with us and that I was doing supervised access. I was scared to ask questions about the future in case she judged me and took my children away. She also said he would need to apply to the family court which again I didn't know what she meant. My husband is on the register for 5 years and in that time my eldest will be 19.

All I replied was that I'm taking 1 day at a time and hes not living with us. However I do feel it is important to help him through this as he cant do it on his own, I didn't say this to SS.

I do however want to know my options. She never gave me an answer. I'm looking to build up the trust again with my kids and their dad once hes finished his community work in a few weeks but how do I go about speaking to SS without them thinking I'm putting him first. They know he visits everyday as i said its important for the kids emotionally. I'm just still so confused and frightened to say anything

I've always been honest with social services about our intentions to remain a family. I think its very important to not be afraid to ask questions, this is your life and you have a right to know what social services are talking about and what they expect of you. Is the reason you need to apply through the family court to do with his convictions, could you ask probation about their assessment of your partner, level of risk etc if he is under probation service. What level of involvement did social services have with you, child in need, child protection etc. Inviting social services back in will be difficult but something you will likely have to do. Remember if must be able to prove you put the kids first, what has changed, how you will keep them safe, what he has done and will do, to say you want to be together and you know the kids are safe will not be anywhere near enough. It is very confusing but social services are looking to see what you are doing, what you are going to do and how you deal with everything, they will not tell you or give advice on what to do and that makes it all very confusing. You could seek legal advice, or speak with people who are experts in this find of thing. I think someone mentioned family rights group as somewhere to seek advice. I cant see why talking to your social worker about possible future plans should cause you any issues as long as you are clear you are keeping the right level of supervision but would like to discuss different options for the future.

Thanks Maria. It is all so confusing. I want to remain a family however I dont want to remain as a couple well not until his court order is over with if that makes sense. For now we are friends and I'm trying to help him through this. I dont know whether we will have a future and wont know until things have calmed down etc. Also we have financial commitments together so surely SS cant expect him to move out and never see him again. I'm looking at moving and getting a mortgage on my own but things will be different when kids are 18.



How can I show SS I am still protecting my kids? I'm not saying for him to move back home but still how do I show it? I am supervising all access but I do want it to be eased up a bit as they get older. At the moment when we go to the shops I always ensure I can see them but surely it can be moved to "yes it's ok for them and husband to be down 1 aisle and me in the next".

Yes they can expect him to move out. While to us finances are important to child services they are only focused on safe guarding. They will want to see that safe guarding comes above anything else. Showing you are protecting your children is a very individual thing, I'm sure you are doing everything you need to. There's lots of information on parents protect, nspcc websites etc. I can see why social services offer no advice to start with they just need to see what you think, what your going to do and how you will safeguard the kids. If they gave a list of what to do they wouldn't know if you were just doing what was asked or if you really understood and were capable. Reducing supervision is possible but again I think its very individual. What his level risk is, what he was convicted for, if he has a shpo that says anything about contact, steps hes made to address his offending behaviour, the age of your kids and their understanding of it all, your understanding of everything and ability to safe guard. While you have been told you must supervise 100% then do it but in time you may be able to be in a different aisle in the supermarket. Did child services do a risk assessment with him?is your case with child services closed, was it child in need of child protection or was it just advice as you are not together. I think its really hard to give advice on here, I'm sure if we were sat in the same room id be able to help you much more.

Hi

On his order it just says about going on technology, nothing mentioned about cant be with under 16s. Ss closed the case was they were happy with what I was doing however within time I do want my children to be able to have more access with him but obviously in public places. I'm not ready for them to be completely alone with him as that isn't right but just wondered when I should ask ss about access in public places. He hasn't finished his community work yet and is also due to start his 9 month rehab course.

He visits every day and I am ensuring safety as hes never alone with the kids plus my house is small so hes usually in the same room as me. The kids mainly stay in their rooms as they are teenagers. They are aware of everything and when I told ss that, they did seem surprised but why shouldn't they be told. We all need to be honest.

Hi Rainbow

i am not in your situation yet as partner not yet charged but it is important to remember that as parents we have parental responsibility and only a judge can remove that from us. So as long as your actions are reasonable it is unlikely a judge would think the best course of action is to remove children and place them in foster care, especially older children. I don’t know the details of your case but you could argue that when you didn’t know what your husband was doing he still didn’t sexually abuse them, so it is even less likely now that you are being vigilant. It is expensive but I have a solicitor who advises me and it helps when faced with some of the hysteria of SS

Hi big sigh

Thank you. I guess sometimes when I'm sitting alone I overthink things and go into a panic. I know my kids are safe and I'm doing everything I can. I've done it for 2 years now since the knock. I'm sure ss realise as they would have been in touch. I'm also trying to do the right thing by letting them see their dad. It's not fair to cut him out. They can decide themselves as they get older. I'm just trying to get through this as normal as possible. The last thing I want is their school work being affected and them being emotionally affected too. We do have good days when my husband visits. I'm trying to help him through this too. At the moment we seem to get along fine as friends. Not sure what our future will hold but at the moment I'm thinking of the kids and putting them first. That's all we can do cant we?

How long since the knock for you? Do you have a court date yet? Although the outcome for us was devastating i do feel I'm coping better than when I was in limbo just waiting. That is awful and so unfair that the police should speed it up! X

Hi rainbow

my partner not even been charged - he is “under investigation”. Knock came beginning of December and just heard they have not even started looking at devices yet. It will be months and months. My partner swears that any images he has looked at had disclaimers on the website saying they were 18 or over so will be going not guilty if charged - so going to be a long, long process.

It's so unfair having to make us wait. I do hope it works out ok for you. X

Maria, how are you getting on? I think the last post I read was you saying your husband is out of prison and you would like him to move back home.



I'm wondering when the best time to contact ss would be. I'm not wanting my husband to move back home and also not suggesting unsupervised access but I would like ss to assess him and see what risk he is etc. On his shpo it doesnt mention anything about not being able to be with under 16s on his own etc and I rang the court and they said that's correct. They no I'm protecting kids and so they've shut the case. He comes round everyday still and we try and be as normal as possible. Ss know this but yet still no one has visited. I cant do this for 5 years. I'm confused

Hi my partner did not go to prison, so ss have just been assessing and working with us from a few days after the knock right through to a few months after conviction. They have been involved so long because of changes in social workers meant everything kept getting repeated and there were mistakes made that I complained about. I always said from the beginning our intention was to remain a family so they always knew our plans. We were at child in need level and he was allowed to move home in April, there are factors in his case that make him a lower risk and we signed an agreement with social services about not being left alone with kids. Things are going well so far. In the future I can have a level of control over what level of supervision as long as overnight they are supervised. When the kids are of an age to be more able to understand. It's just not practical for me to never leave the house for 5 years. It's been hard work and a bit of a nightmare at points (I think they may well describe the experience of working with me the same) but I'm glad they listened to us and although i dont consider they helped in any way, I'm glad they worked with us. As your children are teens I believe, I would just call them. Is he considered a low risk by probation? Have you asked probation what they think about the level of supervision and risk?. Did social services say you need to call them if anything changes? We have risk assessments carried out by social services and alongside probation and others. Did you ever have one of those? I woukd start with talking to probation is hes still under them, if hes not then if you have no written agreements or risk assessments from ss and their advice was call if anything changes then you will need to call for advice. It's a difficult decision as to whether to invite ss into your life again.

Hi Maria

Thanks for your advice. It seems things are positive with you which is great.

Yes I will speak to probation. Nothing has changed really. Hes not moving back home but I just cant see that for 5 years when we go to the shops that he has to come with us etc. I guess things change as kids get older and want to go to shops with their friends instead of parents. I'm not really sure what I would say to ss. I guess I want reassurance that I'm doing the right thing and yes it's ok for him to visit everyday. They cant just expect me to say no he cant see the kids ever again. Ss haven't really looked into his conviction. Yes I understand there is a risk however evidence shows he visited a legal site 5 times over 4 months. To me that's low but then to them it might not be. Do you know the statistics of the percentage of men who go on to contact abuse after viewing images?



Also since he got convicted in Feb only once have police checked his phone. Now I would expect that to be more frequent. Alot of the professionals are contradicting themselves.

X

Sorry forgot to say yes ss said to ring them if any changes which there haven't been. If anything it's less as husband does community work and started a course. I just feel they havent supported me. They just wanted to hear me say yes I'm safeguarding the kids and that was it but like I said I'm doing that but I cant see for the next 5 years that I can do the supervised access especially as kids will be 18 and 19 then. Surely there will be some lee way somewhere? X

I dont know the stats but I'm sure the helpline would know something like that. But the stats mean nothing to you personally, your ex partner is an individual. For the same reason its difficult for ss to give advice, each person/case/family is different. For me i think its about being sensible and considering risk. Right now i dont think leaving him with kids is a good idea, I believe they are safe but it keeps everyone safe including my partner if he's not alone. But when the kids are teens, him being left at home with them for a short period during the day might be ok. As long as your children know, know what to do if anything happens, know what behaviour is ok (safe touch) then i don't think ss would criticise you allowing a sensible level of access. But that all depends on the work hes done with probation and what they deem his level of risk is. You just need to be able to justify what you are doing and be able to show how allowing that access does not put the kids and risk and Why, how any risk is reduced. For example if you all go to the shops together, the travel risk is low as you are there. If you then go to a different shop and leave him and kids walking around together, then how can you show they are not at risk. Like their age and they will say if anything happens, its a public place therefore nothing is likely to happen etc. You have been given no help or advice by ss so that should not criticize you for asking. As they told you to fully supervise and call if anything changes I would speak with probation and ss to see how they feel about it and they can advise you. It's hard to give advice because ss are different in different areas and each family is individual.

Thanks Maria. I am just so confused all the time. Some days I'm fine then others but hits me. I guess that's the same with all of us. I've never left my kids unattended with husband for 2 years so I know nothing has happened so that's good. I still dont want him overnight with us or him on his own isolated but I do feel there could be some access in public especially as they are older and understand what's happening. I've been open with them too. Hes getting help so that's something but i just feel so guilty that hes here each evening having dinner with us. Ss know but i just feel yes i know we are separated but we get on well as friends plus I'm trying to keep things normal for the kids as i dont want them to start being affected and I dont want people finding out because they could get bullied etc. The list goes on. It's so hard isn't it x

Hello Maria

I hope you are well,



I saw your experience regarding social services. I have been with my partner for 7 years now and he's coming to the end of he's licences and has been on the SOR for many 7 years now he's risk has always been low and we have a stable home income etc, we recently found out we are expecting a little girl. Abit late in finding out.



As soon as I found out how far I was I contacted social services that Monday and was advised we needed a pre birth assessment. This is obviously extremely concerning. I have told social that my daughter is my priority and that I will protect her what ever but I really don't want it to split our family up. I have worked with them provided them with contact details and happy to do anything they need us to do as a family to ensure she is safe and at the end of the day he is safe . I know my partner is struggling because he know they will read there but of paper and have preconceived ideas which is already evident when we had a meeting with her she like to reliteated the seriousness of he's conviction which we are more than aware off we have to live with it over our head.



Any advise would be great

@maria just wondered what factors your partner had that were considered low risk?

Also did the social work team ever try and make you split up/how are you managing to supervise overnight?