Family and Friends Forum

Hi Blackhound,

What a difficult question, as you say practically and morally.

Personally, if my partner is on SOR and even once off SOR, I would not take the risk of having children stay overnight at my home, this is to protect both children and your partner. I appreciate that you feel your partner is not a threat but others may not see it this way, and I always think how would I feel (not that I have children but hypothetically) if my child was going to a sex offenders house - I can see you've answered this yourself.

If you do not intend on disclosing to additional family members/friends who have children (which is understandable too) I would just personally avoid overnight stays where your partner is present. If you intended on day trips for example, I would say this is ok but I would certainly wait until the children are old enough to understand environments, thier bodies and consent etc.

I'm sorry if my message is negative, but in reality I think its having to put a child's safety first before our own wants. I imagine there are others on this forum though who are in this exact situation so hopefully they can offer more positive and constructive advice. :)

While my partner was under investigation, at family events and with friends I made sure I was present and supervised.

I personally have the approach of not telling people unless we have to. I have friends who are likely to have kids at some point and I'm dreading it, my partner is on the SOR and has a SHPO that says no contact unless agreed with parents and SS.

As mentioned above it is best to avoid where possible to prevent any false allegations.

Also I see you have mentioned hope for a caution, but since your partner has been found to have distributed iioc I would advise not to pin hopes in a caution as distribution is another level of seriousness and I am not aware of it being applicable for a caution.

If it goes to court the pre sentencing may look into his life between arrest and charging, so I would personally look to limit interaction with children and rule out nights over.

Hi.

Don't mean to seem judgemental but if my children had been in contact with someone on SOR even with a caution because their partner said they were no risk I would go ballistic.

If it was in passing at a wedding I'd have to accept it. But day trips or house visits I'd be furious and I'd make sure the rest of the family with kids knew. Overnight stays I'd be straight to the police for breach of SOR . And that's coming from someone who has been in your situation.

As far as possible I kept children away from my partner while under investigation and never left them alone not even for a minute to go to toilet etc. We're no longer together so doesn't apply. It's so difficult to supervise every minute I doubt you'd be able to do it long term without people knowing. You have to find excuse for not leaving the room to answer door, make the tea, hang the washing up .Can't have a bath. I had to take my partner to toilet with me so he wasn't alone with kids.

If 2 kids on day trip you have to take both kids to toilet everytime they or you need to go because you can't leave one or both with partner. And if he's at friend's house you still can't leave him with kids so if your friend says come in kitchen to help with drinks what are you going to say. You can't leave if there is another adult there incase they leave the room too

You may think this is over the top but social services often won't allow overnight stays because you can't supervise when you are asleep.

If your friends know and trust your partner well enough to agree to the contact fair enough but it should be their informed choice (unless SHPO or social services say orherwise). Personally I don't think many parents would take the risk however slight it might be.

How would the kids feel if they found out even years later.

This is all so unfair on us when we've done nothing wrong. The excuses and half lies we have to tell. It's so difficult to live with and I feel awful when I think about the lies and half truths I've told.

I think that the fact you're asking means that you're not comfortable with keeping it secret. I certainly wasn't and I only did it while he was under investigation..

I hope you find your answer xx

This is so difficult isn't it. We don't have any children, we don't have nieces or nephews and most of our friends and neighbours have no children or only adult children. But we want to sign up again to a leisure club ( it was closed until recently due to the covi d regulations) and I am concerned my husband might be put in some difficult situations. E.g. using the changing rooms. Technically under 16s should not use the facilities unless they are accompanied by an adult but that is not to say the adult is physically with them at all times.

Hubby has not been charged with any contact offences and his is a porn addiction problem not attraction to children but he is on the SOR. I haven't mentioned my concerns to him. What do people think ?

Judith Does the SHPO cover under 16s or 18s? I think like mentioned elsewhere it's about protecting them from any false allegations too even if it falls within the rules x

Thank you for those pointers ladies.

There is nothing I can see in the club's terms and conditions though I have come across caravan parks and campsites that ban those on the SOR. I will have another look at the SHPO conditions but I think that is more about having children to stay or staying somewhere there are children. Neither of these things are remotely likely to happen. I think he must also notify parents of children if he is going to some sort of event. Again very unlikely - strange as it may seem I think my husband actually has an allergy or phobia about small people as he's always tries to avoid them!

I am just worried in case someone realises who he is or, as you say, he is wrongly accused of something. It is a shame if he can't come with me as it is a nice activity to share. I have some mobility difficulties so walking and cycling that we used to do is not possible for me at the moment. I will put my problem solving hat on again !