Was he lying or did I not ask the right questions?
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So my husband is in prison for online offences. I supported him throughout being rui and then when it came out in the media when he was sentenced etc, took all the crap on the outside, whilst he's living his own reality in custody.
I believed him from the start as he told me pretty openly what had been happening once he was arrested. We had lots of conversations over the 2 years he was rui and I thought I understood what had led him to commit these offences - depression /anxiety etc.
Anyway, in the spirit of being open with each other, so that we could have a future together, he sent me a copy of his Oasys report (risk assessment from prison) a few weeks ago and it came through this week. So he knew I would read it, but didn't think to tell me about elements of this that he must have hidden from me that are in there. As it says that he's actually been looking at iioc since he was a teenager (so for about half his life, before we even met). It also mentions the ages of the images are mainly pre pubescent. I feel this massively changes how I feel about him and the possibility of me or anyone having children with him, seems almost none existent now, bearing in mind this new information.
I was partly blaming myself, thinking maybe I didn't ask the right questions. I know he will also be carrying so much shame. But how could he keep this from me? Now, for the first time on this journey, I'm starting to doubt if anything we had was real if he was keeping something so big from me. I've always tried to see him as 2 people since the offence, the one I know and love and the other one who needs help and has crossed boundaries etc, I know they co-exist and my mantra has been all along not to let the crime define him.
But this has been a real shocker to be honest. I know it's not an unfamiliar story with partners not being told the whole truth. I must admit I feel a bit stupid as I've defended him to others, saying that as soon as he was arrested, he was completely honest with me. But now I don't feel as though he was.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation and still decided to stay with their partner? I really can't imagine it anymore.
I also wonder whether I'll be able to trust someone now, if I started a new relationship. Also, would they even want me when I tell them what I've been through? I can't imagine being with someone and not telling them about this as it's a massive part of my life now and always will be, no matter which path I choose.
To be honest we aren't even together at the moment anyway, but still thought it was worth asking you lovely ladies for your thoughts to help me process this and cope with the betrayal.
I believed him from the start as he told me pretty openly what had been happening once he was arrested. We had lots of conversations over the 2 years he was rui and I thought I understood what had led him to commit these offences - depression /anxiety etc.
Anyway, in the spirit of being open with each other, so that we could have a future together, he sent me a copy of his Oasys report (risk assessment from prison) a few weeks ago and it came through this week. So he knew I would read it, but didn't think to tell me about elements of this that he must have hidden from me that are in there. As it says that he's actually been looking at iioc since he was a teenager (so for about half his life, before we even met). It also mentions the ages of the images are mainly pre pubescent. I feel this massively changes how I feel about him and the possibility of me or anyone having children with him, seems almost none existent now, bearing in mind this new information.
I was partly blaming myself, thinking maybe I didn't ask the right questions. I know he will also be carrying so much shame. But how could he keep this from me? Now, for the first time on this journey, I'm starting to doubt if anything we had was real if he was keeping something so big from me. I've always tried to see him as 2 people since the offence, the one I know and love and the other one who needs help and has crossed boundaries etc, I know they co-exist and my mantra has been all along not to let the crime define him.
But this has been a real shocker to be honest. I know it's not an unfamiliar story with partners not being told the whole truth. I must admit I feel a bit stupid as I've defended him to others, saying that as soon as he was arrested, he was completely honest with me. But now I don't feel as though he was.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation and still decided to stay with their partner? I really can't imagine it anymore.
I also wonder whether I'll be able to trust someone now, if I started a new relationship. Also, would they even want me when I tell them what I've been through? I can't imagine being with someone and not telling them about this as it's a massive part of my life now and always will be, no matter which path I choose.
To be honest we aren't even together at the moment anyway, but still thought it was worth asking you lovely ladies for your thoughts to help me process this and cope with the betrayal.
I'm so sorry for this..
I recognise that the shame surrounding this will lead people to do and go to great lengths to avoid talking about it... So I imagine he would not have told you the whole story out of fear you wouldn't support him or you'd think differently... Which is your absolute right to do...
Re new relationships... My mantra is to not bring old baggage to the new airport.... By all means tell them... The trust issues you have though stop at the person... If a person gives you no reason to not trust them, then trust them...
I recognise that the shame surrounding this will lead people to do and go to great lengths to avoid talking about it... So I imagine he would not have told you the whole story out of fear you wouldn't support him or you'd think differently... Which is your absolute right to do...
Re new relationships... My mantra is to not bring old baggage to the new airport.... By all means tell them... The trust issues you have though stop at the person... If a person gives you no reason to not trust them, then trust them...
BusyLizzie,
I'm so sorry. Please don't blame yourself in anyway for not asking the right questions. This is his fault for not being totally honest and telling you everything. You deserve better. And to let you find out this way is so unfair. You're head must be full.of questions and disbelief.
I know a little how you feel. My ex told me it was a mistake or at the very worse could have been 16/17 year olds. Turned out it was thousands of all ages and categories and for years ( from at least when computer was replaced).
He told me he'd lied and left. No explanation, reasons. Nothing. I don't know why he did it, when it started, if it was before we met. What the trigger was
Then he left me to explain to the kids, family friends and all deal with all the other crap. That was 2 years ago. We haven't spoken since. I only know the charge details and sentence because the police told me after it had been to court.
I had stood by him for 18 months while under investigation. Supervised children contact, held his hand, wiped his tears. Made excuses and told lies to friends. He lied so convincingly for so long while I was watching him like a hawk I now distrust my own judgement. I don't believe anything he ever said to me, that he even loved me. Our entire relationship was a sham. He's not the man I thought he was.
I felt so stupid and gullible. While I'm not downplaying the crime at all the lies were far far more damaging to me. I didn,'t function for a long time. Was rock bottom but slowly with a lot of talking and support and counselling I'm a lot better.
My teenager however didn't talk about it at all until it all exploded and they were in a bad way. Needed medications and counselling and couldn't be left alone for a long while. Still ongoing. Difficult to deal with when most people don't know the cause of their anxiety and try to offer well meaning advice so they feel like a freak. They find it hard to trust anyone and worry that other family members might have hidden secrets too. Keeping it secret makes it feel like we've done something wrong.
I don't think I'll ever totally trust anyone again. That's not to say I'll always be alone but I think I'll always want my independence. Its not like other relationship breakdowns.
He doesn't even know the damage he has done to us. His life carries on the same, still has a job, I doubt he's told many people and doesn't have friends with small kids.
I grieve for the loss of the man I thought he was. I grieve for the future I thought we had. I grieve most of all for the happy teenager I had.
Enough rambing from me.
Please look after yourself. Get counselling or at least talk to a friend. Only you can decide to stay or go but without trust it will be hard if stay. Take your time to decide what's right for you.
But for now just try to take it day by day. You're in shock. Don't think too far into the future.
Speak to your doctor if you can. Ask about counselling if you haven't already. You can always turn it down when you get to the top of this list.
Ring the helpline.
If you can get out for a walk or the gym it might help. Walking and talking are what got me though it.
Xxxx
I'm so sorry. Please don't blame yourself in anyway for not asking the right questions. This is his fault for not being totally honest and telling you everything. You deserve better. And to let you find out this way is so unfair. You're head must be full.of questions and disbelief.
I know a little how you feel. My ex told me it was a mistake or at the very worse could have been 16/17 year olds. Turned out it was thousands of all ages and categories and for years ( from at least when computer was replaced).
He told me he'd lied and left. No explanation, reasons. Nothing. I don't know why he did it, when it started, if it was before we met. What the trigger was
Then he left me to explain to the kids, family friends and all deal with all the other crap. That was 2 years ago. We haven't spoken since. I only know the charge details and sentence because the police told me after it had been to court.
I had stood by him for 18 months while under investigation. Supervised children contact, held his hand, wiped his tears. Made excuses and told lies to friends. He lied so convincingly for so long while I was watching him like a hawk I now distrust my own judgement. I don't believe anything he ever said to me, that he even loved me. Our entire relationship was a sham. He's not the man I thought he was.
I felt so stupid and gullible. While I'm not downplaying the crime at all the lies were far far more damaging to me. I didn,'t function for a long time. Was rock bottom but slowly with a lot of talking and support and counselling I'm a lot better.
My teenager however didn't talk about it at all until it all exploded and they were in a bad way. Needed medications and counselling and couldn't be left alone for a long while. Still ongoing. Difficult to deal with when most people don't know the cause of their anxiety and try to offer well meaning advice so they feel like a freak. They find it hard to trust anyone and worry that other family members might have hidden secrets too. Keeping it secret makes it feel like we've done something wrong.
I don't think I'll ever totally trust anyone again. That's not to say I'll always be alone but I think I'll always want my independence. Its not like other relationship breakdowns.
He doesn't even know the damage he has done to us. His life carries on the same, still has a job, I doubt he's told many people and doesn't have friends with small kids.
I grieve for the loss of the man I thought he was. I grieve for the future I thought we had. I grieve most of all for the happy teenager I had.
Enough rambing from me.
Please look after yourself. Get counselling or at least talk to a friend. Only you can decide to stay or go but without trust it will be hard if stay. Take your time to decide what's right for you.
But for now just try to take it day by day. You're in shock. Don't think too far into the future.
Speak to your doctor if you can. Ask about counselling if you haven't already. You can always turn it down when you get to the top of this list.
Ring the helpline.
If you can get out for a walk or the gym it might help. Walking and talking are what got me though it.
Xxxx
I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation when it seems you've been so supportive and approach the situation as a unit together and were considering sacrificing your career.
I can understand why finding this out would change how you feel about your future together. But don't rush in any decision making. What you feel initially might change quite dramatically. I wonder how you'd have felt if you'd known this at the point of the charges? Perhaps you'd have been able to discuss it more and understand where the behaviour came from?
I understand why you feel gullible, I felt the same when I found out my partner had let me enter the relationship when he knew he was being investigated. I put so much trust and faith in the strength of our friendship and relationship, I believed he'd have been honest with me. I actually felt more angry about the dishonesty than the charge itself because it throw our foundation off and there was not stable grounding after that.
I also understand about worrying about trusting anyone in the future. And being judged for standing by someone charged with these things. I feel like I've gone through a lot of trauma dealing with this, I can't imagine it being something I didn't share with someone as its impacted me in so many ways. About 10 years ago I had something else significant happen in my life and I felt very similar to this and it was something I felt relevant to bring up in relationships. All these years on and after therapy and understanding, I no longer feel its relevant. I know that time frame might scare you, because I know family is something you'd like, but I do think there is a good chance you could move on from this and it not be such a weight or of significance to you and the right partner I'm sure would understand your loyalty.
Judith commented on one of my posts and I found it warming - We've been punished enough for things that weren't our fault and have paid a high price for loving our husbands, partners and sons.. We don't have to beat ourselves up too.
Again, I'm really sorry you've found yourself in this situation.
I can understand why finding this out would change how you feel about your future together. But don't rush in any decision making. What you feel initially might change quite dramatically. I wonder how you'd have felt if you'd known this at the point of the charges? Perhaps you'd have been able to discuss it more and understand where the behaviour came from?
I understand why you feel gullible, I felt the same when I found out my partner had let me enter the relationship when he knew he was being investigated. I put so much trust and faith in the strength of our friendship and relationship, I believed he'd have been honest with me. I actually felt more angry about the dishonesty than the charge itself because it throw our foundation off and there was not stable grounding after that.
I also understand about worrying about trusting anyone in the future. And being judged for standing by someone charged with these things. I feel like I've gone through a lot of trauma dealing with this, I can't imagine it being something I didn't share with someone as its impacted me in so many ways. About 10 years ago I had something else significant happen in my life and I felt very similar to this and it was something I felt relevant to bring up in relationships. All these years on and after therapy and understanding, I no longer feel its relevant. I know that time frame might scare you, because I know family is something you'd like, but I do think there is a good chance you could move on from this and it not be such a weight or of significance to you and the right partner I'm sure would understand your loyalty.
Judith commented on one of my posts and I found it warming - We've been punished enough for things that weren't our fault and have paid a high price for loving our husbands, partners and sons.. We don't have to beat ourselves up too.
Again, I'm really sorry you've found yourself in this situation.
Thanks for the baggage advice bloodhound. I will try, I think it's the feeling of being damaged yourself by this somehow. I hope I will be able to shake it at some point.
Thanks Beccy. Yes I do have lots of questions, but now I fear he won't answer them honestly anyway. And when we first spoke about all of this in the months after his arrest, I said to him then is this everything cuz if I find out further down the line that you've betrayed me in another way, I won't give you another chance. This kind of feels like one of those moments...if I believe his excuses for not telling me before then am I just falling into that trap again, and is he just learning that the power dynamic is in his favour?
So sorry to hear you never even got any answers Beccy, must have been so hard, and sorry about your son, sounds tough. I have certainly been having those feelings about the relationship too, like was anything we had real? But then I think it must have been, at least some of it. He was hiding a huge secret, which does upset me a lot, but I think I've got to believe that parts of what we had were real, otherwise I have essentially wasted the last 10 years of my life.
Before finding this out, I was thinking ahead for a future, even though it was going to be hard, I was kind of okay with that. But now it's like for the first time I'm seeing those hopes finally start to disappear. In a way its a relief, as it would have been a hard life anyway, but in another way, the thought of starting over and trusting someone else is terrifying.
Thank you Sal for your advice too. Yeah, I do think if I found out in the beginning, I wouldn't necessarily feel this way. But the fact is he hasn't faced up to the fact he had a problem for longer and that concerns me that he's really minimised everything in his head. I agree, it's less the charges and more the lack of honesty from him, which is the one thing I thought I'd had.
Enjoying the Judith quote <3
Thanks Beccy. Yes I do have lots of questions, but now I fear he won't answer them honestly anyway. And when we first spoke about all of this in the months after his arrest, I said to him then is this everything cuz if I find out further down the line that you've betrayed me in another way, I won't give you another chance. This kind of feels like one of those moments...if I believe his excuses for not telling me before then am I just falling into that trap again, and is he just learning that the power dynamic is in his favour?
So sorry to hear you never even got any answers Beccy, must have been so hard, and sorry about your son, sounds tough. I have certainly been having those feelings about the relationship too, like was anything we had real? But then I think it must have been, at least some of it. He was hiding a huge secret, which does upset me a lot, but I think I've got to believe that parts of what we had were real, otherwise I have essentially wasted the last 10 years of my life.
Before finding this out, I was thinking ahead for a future, even though it was going to be hard, I was kind of okay with that. But now it's like for the first time I'm seeing those hopes finally start to disappear. In a way its a relief, as it would have been a hard life anyway, but in another way, the thought of starting over and trusting someone else is terrifying.
Thank you Sal for your advice too. Yeah, I do think if I found out in the beginning, I wouldn't necessarily feel this way. But the fact is he hasn't faced up to the fact he had a problem for longer and that concerns me that he's really minimised everything in his head. I agree, it's less the charges and more the lack of honesty from him, which is the one thing I thought I'd had.
Enjoying the Judith quote <3
Hi BusyLizzie,
What a horrendous time you're having at the moment, with work and now this. I just want to give you a massive hug and show support.
I don't have any advice other than to trust your gut instincts. You deserve a basic respect from your husband which includes honesty. We don't all get it (not even sure if I have at this point - still under investigation), and for many I totally understand why it becomes the final nail in the coffin. Through out this process, we are all guilty of moving the goal posts on what we think is acceptable or have come to accept but as you've already done, continue to remind yourself of your core values. You have to put yourself first and look after you.
I hope things start getting better soon.
X
What a horrendous time you're having at the moment, with work and now this. I just want to give you a massive hug and show support.
I don't have any advice other than to trust your gut instincts. You deserve a basic respect from your husband which includes honesty. We don't all get it (not even sure if I have at this point - still under investigation), and for many I totally understand why it becomes the final nail in the coffin. Through out this process, we are all guilty of moving the goal posts on what we think is acceptable or have come to accept but as you've already done, continue to remind yourself of your core values. You have to put yourself first and look after you.
I hope things start getting better soon.
X
Hi Busy,
Sorry I've just posted a comment and realised I've ignored your initial post. Sorry if my other one is harsh and judgemental of your husband (I always worry about saying the wrong thing) but I do also want to say there are no right or wrong questions to ask, we can only try to understand. If there was a book on how to deal with this, I'm sure it would be bestseller!
X
Sorry I've just posted a comment and realised I've ignored your initial post. Sorry if my other one is harsh and judgemental of your husband (I always worry about saying the wrong thing) but I do also want to say there are no right or wrong questions to ask, we can only try to understand. If there was a book on how to deal with this, I'm sure it would be bestseller!
X
Hi orchid, thanks, don't worry. I myself go through parts of the day thinking I'm being too harsh! The goal posts idea definitely resonates with me as well. In agreement about the book, my mum keeps telling me to write one!!
Sorry you're going through this on top of everything previously busylizzie.
I'd echo what everyone else has said, just have one small thing to add.
The fact that he agreed to send you this information but didn't warn you about new information could be because he genuinely didn't realise he hadn't told you those things. I don't know if this is applicable to your partner but I know that my son and also myself have struggled to remember what we have said to who. You end up repeating everything so many times and talking about specific parts with different people that it can end up a bit of a blur. Asking him directly might be a good starting point if you've not already xx
I'd echo what everyone else has said, just have one small thing to add.
The fact that he agreed to send you this information but didn't warn you about new information could be because he genuinely didn't realise he hadn't told you those things. I don't know if this is applicable to your partner but I know that my son and also myself have struggled to remember what we have said to who. You end up repeating everything so many times and talking about specific parts with different people that it can end up a bit of a blur. Asking him directly might be a good starting point if you've not already xx
Thanks Grace, yes I will do. Only thing is, he maintained all along that he was using over 18 sites where the fantasy was the people pretend to be younger. But if that's the case, then why would the images be predominantly 6-12 yos? So I do feel there he has held back the truth due to his shame and fear of my reaction. But I do take your point to a degree about remembering what we've said and havent.
But I think he has minimised and as my counsellor said, possibly 'blanked out' and disassociated with some of it as he must be in the habit of doing so if he's been doing this on and off since his teenage years. The number of images is also in the low hundreds, which when I think they span over 15 years (with majority being cat c), maybe I am blowing it out of proportion.
What bothers me is his minimising/denial/lack of readiness to accept responsibility. He is even saying now he thinks there's some mistakes in the report, before I would have believed that, whereas now I think it's part of him not dealing with his problem.
He claimed to me before that some of the images are just what 'anyone using porn for a significant length of time' would have in amongst their images of legal stuff. As in when they run them through the computer during the investigation, they could also have misidentified the age, but I don't believe he can be right there if they're 6-12, you can't mistake a pre pubescent child for a teenager...
But I think he has minimised and as my counsellor said, possibly 'blanked out' and disassociated with some of it as he must be in the habit of doing so if he's been doing this on and off since his teenage years. The number of images is also in the low hundreds, which when I think they span over 15 years (with majority being cat c), maybe I am blowing it out of proportion.
What bothers me is his minimising/denial/lack of readiness to accept responsibility. He is even saying now he thinks there's some mistakes in the report, before I would have believed that, whereas now I think it's part of him not dealing with his problem.
He claimed to me before that some of the images are just what 'anyone using porn for a significant length of time' would have in amongst their images of legal stuff. As in when they run them through the computer during the investigation, they could also have misidentified the age, but I don't believe he can be right there if they're 6-12, you can't mistake a pre pubescent child for a teenager...
As you say that does sound as though he has misled you, at least to an extent.
I'm really sorry that appears to be the case and hope you manage to get some honest answers from him xx
I'm really sorry that appears to be the case and hope you manage to get some honest answers from him xx
Oh Bizzielizzie - have a huge hug from me!
Sounds like you have been amazing in all this from him, I don't think you should have needed to ask him seems like he left out the parts that he knew you would probably be more shocked/no understanding about.
We are just thrown into this world without a clue,maybe in just nieve but we only know what we are told by our loved ones.
I think lees right on in getting transcript or evidence used then you will have it there in black and white.
xxx
Sounds like you have been amazing in all this from him, I don't think you should have needed to ask him seems like he left out the parts that he knew you would probably be more shocked/no understanding about.
We are just thrown into this world without a clue,maybe in just nieve but we only know what we are told by our loved ones.
I think lees right on in getting transcript or evidence used then you will have it there in black and white.
xxx
Thanks Lee and Summer. I'm definitely in the shock stage still with this new information. I think the dust is starting to settle and when I spoke to him (as I knew it would...)it made me see it more from his perspective again, but he is comfortable saying very little atm due to being in a shared cell, so it's not exactly conducive to private chats. He is keen for an in person visit, but I don't think I can do that anymore based on work conditions. So many parameters in my life right now which make it even harder to make decisions.
I never saw any of the evidence nor went to court. I wanted to be there in some of the meetings with his solicitor, but they were always planned so last minute that I could never attend in the end. My OH has told me that the solicitor doesn't have access to the court transcripts or any of the evidence as he pled guilty. Apparently if you plead not guilty then you can have it? Assuming that is true? I've read about requesting court transcripts, but looked at the form and you need to know all sorts, like which room the case was heard in etc, so doubt I would be able to do that either, unless I pay his solicitor to get it or something...had wondered about contacting the officers who came over once he signed the SO register as maybe they will have some information that might be useful...no idea tbh. My counsellor has continually talked about getting different narratives on the offending so that I'm not only going off what OH says, but it is hard to know where to get these from!!
I never saw any of the evidence nor went to court. I wanted to be there in some of the meetings with his solicitor, but they were always planned so last minute that I could never attend in the end. My OH has told me that the solicitor doesn't have access to the court transcripts or any of the evidence as he pled guilty. Apparently if you plead not guilty then you can have it? Assuming that is true? I've read about requesting court transcripts, but looked at the form and you need to know all sorts, like which room the case was heard in etc, so doubt I would be able to do that either, unless I pay his solicitor to get it or something...had wondered about contacting the officers who came over once he signed the SO register as maybe they will have some information that might be useful...no idea tbh. My counsellor has continually talked about getting different narratives on the offending so that I'm not only going off what OH says, but it is hard to know where to get these from!!
In the last couple of days I too have come to realise I need a narrative that is not my partners. For me it's the only way I feel I can move on, with whatever decision I make.
If you look on The Law Pages website you can find all the cases and sentencing information, include courts, rooms and judges. This might help you complete the information you need. Go to the home page, on the left menu Sentences - > Criminal Offences and then find the offence related to your partner, you should then be able to find his case. You may need to login, but it's easy to set up a login.
If you look on The Law Pages website you can find all the cases and sentencing information, include courts, rooms and judges. This might help you complete the information you need. Go to the home page, on the left menu Sentences - > Criminal Offences and then find the offence related to your partner, you should then be able to find his case. You may need to login, but it's easy to set up a login.
Thanks both, will take a look. Yes I said exactly same thing to my OH yesterday, without dealing with this I dont think I can move on, whichever path I take. Maybe if I get the truth and it actually is closer to what he's told me then I could be okay with that. It's just if I only have his word to go on then I am putting all my trust in him, which doesn't seem sensible at this point. But my gut says if I can check this out then maybe it is worth sticking around, as I felt that so strongly before and I think right now having distance makes it easier to give up, but that is because I'm facing something hard, not necessarily a reason to give up...
I had a very similar conversation with my parents re if I see everything and it's as he's told me I might be able to move forward in regards to our relationship or at least onto the next hurdle. It's like there are 2 parallel issues, one the actual offence and repercussions and one the trust.
What someone else on this thread had said re moving goal posts, I can very much relate to, too. When I found out my partner was aware he was being investigated before we entered into our relationship, I immediately felt relief because I thought - That's it, that's enough for me to walk away, leave this all behind me and not care. That feeling soon subsided, but finding it out I think as empowered me to believe and understand I deserve the truth and that I can't trust his words only
What someone else on this thread had said re moving goal posts, I can very much relate to, too. When I found out my partner was aware he was being investigated before we entered into our relationship, I immediately felt relief because I thought - That's it, that's enough for me to walk away, leave this all behind me and not care. That feeling soon subsided, but finding it out I think as empowered me to believe and understand I deserve the truth and that I can't trust his words only
Yes, totally agree with you Sal. I had dealt with the idea of what the repercussions would be, but now it's just the honesty or potential lack thereof which has hit me like a tonne of bricks and it's so hard cuz I can't really ask him things outright, with him being in the context he is, it's difficult for him to divulge stuff to me. But how long can I wait for those answers? My dad is trying to advise me to almost 'shelve it' to an extent, until I can deal with it, but easier said than done when every night I get into an empty bed and my head fills with all the things I want to ask and say to my OH. Today, despite all of this extra shit that has come about this week, I have just been overcome by sadness about how much I miss him. All of this is so so hard.
Yes Lee, I certainly have the same goalpost of no porn ever again. But i guess the question is, can I trust him, or do I accept that part of his hiding it, if that's what he did (guess I won't know til I potentially see some evidence etc) was part of the depression /shame around the offence. I guess the less I see of him /talk to him, the easier it is to forget about the things that made me wanna stay with him, and the easier it is to believe the narrative of the prosecution and of my friends, many of whom want me to have nothing to do with him. But inside that still doesn't feel right to me.
Yes Lee, I certainly have the same goalpost of no porn ever again. But i guess the question is, can I trust him, or do I accept that part of his hiding it, if that's what he did (guess I won't know til I potentially see some evidence etc) was part of the depression /shame around the offence. I guess the less I see of him /talk to him, the easier it is to forget about the things that made me wanna stay with him, and the easier it is to believe the narrative of the prosecution and of my friends, many of whom want me to have nothing to do with him. But inside that still doesn't feel right to me.
I know this has been a long and winding thread but, just on the subject of zero tolerance to porn in future, my husband had discussed this with his therapist and with me. He has accepted zero is the safest way forwards and we have signed up to Ever Accountable which monitors his internet use and sends me a report every week. It has been quite good most of the time. I was rather alarmed when the red flags appeared but they have turned out to be a film with a small amount of nudity or indeed the phrase "nude" which was in a description on a fine art auction site! I have also set new PINs on the Sky TV, Firestick etc.