Walking Away
Notifications OFF
This is controversial but, 9 months in and having thought about little else, I don't want to be part of my son's life. I know as mothers we're supposed to be there for our children, and I always have been, but this is just too awful. He's had my love, support and time for all these years, he's had a solid upbringing and a good education and I feel such enormous sadness that it was all for nothing - but I feel so betrayed and that his behaviour is unforgivable and I can't look at him without feeling overwhelming anger and grief.
I'm in awe of those ladies on here who question whether they should stay with their partners, when they really have little obligation to do so. As a mother I believe there is an obligation to stand by your child and in any other circumstances I would do so, but I no longer feel that I can live with him. The most painful decision of my life.
I'm in awe of those ladies on here who question whether they should stay with their partners, when they really have little obligation to do so. As a mother I believe there is an obligation to stand by your child and in any other circumstances I would do so, but I no longer feel that I can live with him. The most painful decision of my life.
Everyone is different but I would say you don't need to make any final decisions just yet, there's no time scale.
what is the potential charge Lola? Has he seeked help and tried to work out why he did what he did? Is he showing empathy to victims, do you truly believe he's sorry? If yes to any of these maybe a joint therapy session would help give you more charity?
what is the potential charge Lola? Has he seeked help and tried to work out why he did what he did? Is he showing empathy to victims, do you truly believe he's sorry? If yes to any of these maybe a joint therapy session would help give you more charity?
Clarity*
Hi Lola53,
I am so truly sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I recall from previous posts you and your son had a close strong relationship before this happened. I know it has been difficult for you and your husband over the last few months and maybe the time its taking for resolution , stress and worry about the outcome is causing you to feel this way I would think hard about the questions Jay is asking and if your son is truly remorseful about his behaviour and is addressing this through therapy , I am hoping that you both can rekindle that relationship.
you say you can no longer live with him have you asked him to leave ? Walking away you have said its the most painful decision, would this not make you feel worse if you did? I am not advising you either way because only you know what is right for you at this time. But, I am just worried about how you would cope with it. Having said that , you can still support him from a distance and you may find, without the stress of living with a young adult and lets face it they are not easy to live with around the house you may feel better and more incontrol of your feelings, which in turn may improve your relationship.
I think it only natural for you to feel that way , setting aside the victims , which are the most important in all of this, look how it affects our families , my son received a caution but We are still worrying, about his future employment/relationships. All when we thought our kids were settled heading for excellent fulfilled careers, this happens.
I do hope you hear soon lola and know the outcome so you all can move forward.
Wishing you well and a big hug to you and I hope that you have the support you need x
I am so truly sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I recall from previous posts you and your son had a close strong relationship before this happened. I know it has been difficult for you and your husband over the last few months and maybe the time its taking for resolution , stress and worry about the outcome is causing you to feel this way I would think hard about the questions Jay is asking and if your son is truly remorseful about his behaviour and is addressing this through therapy , I am hoping that you both can rekindle that relationship.
you say you can no longer live with him have you asked him to leave ? Walking away you have said its the most painful decision, would this not make you feel worse if you did? I am not advising you either way because only you know what is right for you at this time. But, I am just worried about how you would cope with it. Having said that , you can still support him from a distance and you may find, without the stress of living with a young adult and lets face it they are not easy to live with around the house you may feel better and more incontrol of your feelings, which in turn may improve your relationship.
I think it only natural for you to feel that way , setting aside the victims , which are the most important in all of this, look how it affects our families , my son received a caution but We are still worrying, about his future employment/relationships. All when we thought our kids were settled heading for excellent fulfilled careers, this happens.
I do hope you hear soon lola and know the outcome so you all can move forward.
Wishing you well and a big hug to you and I hope that you have the support you need x
Post deleted by user
Hi lola,
It is entirely understandable to feel this way and it's a tough decision to make so getting support would probably be advisable. Could you speak to a counsellor to help you unravel your thoughts It?
It must be really tough being in this position and I'm sending you love and strength.
Maij gives excellent advise about the living situation. Perhaps living apart would be a good stop gap to help you decide how you feel long term? Living in the same space intensifies things so much.
I was lucky enough that my son received NFA after 10 months and leaving limbo land had an almost instant positive impact on my own mental health, having been in crisis myself only weeks before. With this is mind it is worth holding off making permanent decisions until after the conclusion. I know that's easy for me to say now being the other side.
You have raised your son to adulthood, done everything expected of a parent and now he is an adult and has to make his own decisions in life. You are doing nothing wrong if you choose to step away to protect yourself, whether temporarily or permanently.
Xx
It is entirely understandable to feel this way and it's a tough decision to make so getting support would probably be advisable. Could you speak to a counsellor to help you unravel your thoughts It?
It must be really tough being in this position and I'm sending you love and strength.
Maij gives excellent advise about the living situation. Perhaps living apart would be a good stop gap to help you decide how you feel long term? Living in the same space intensifies things so much.
I was lucky enough that my son received NFA after 10 months and leaving limbo land had an almost instant positive impact on my own mental health, having been in crisis myself only weeks before. With this is mind it is worth holding off making permanent decisions until after the conclusion. I know that's easy for me to say now being the other side.
You have raised your son to adulthood, done everything expected of a parent and now he is an adult and has to make his own decisions in life. You are doing nothing wrong if you choose to step away to protect yourself, whether temporarily or permanently.
Xx
Hi Lola
Firstly I just wanted to send you a hug from one mum to another x
I can only agree with what everyone has said on here to you it is totally your decision on what to do this is such a difficult journey and the sheer impact it does to our family life what we had and what we are living now
I do not for one second condone what my son has done and the impact of his actions to his victims and to us
I know he is a good person who got so lost in all of this and how it has impacted us I just feel so sad I am walking this journey with my son but that is my choice there is no right or wrong in this you have to do what you feel is right for you
xx
Firstly I just wanted to send you a hug from one mum to another x
I can only agree with what everyone has said on here to you it is totally your decision on what to do this is such a difficult journey and the sheer impact it does to our family life what we had and what we are living now
I do not for one second condone what my son has done and the impact of his actions to his victims and to us
I know he is a good person who got so lost in all of this and how it has impacted us I just feel so sad I am walking this journey with my son but that is my choice there is no right or wrong in this you have to do what you feel is right for you
xx
Hi Lola53
Thinking of you and hoping you are okay. Big hug.
How are you?
maij x
Thinking of you and hoping you are okay. Big hug.
How are you?
maij x
Maij, you're so lovely - thank you for checking back in :-) And thank you all, lovely ladies, for your responses to my post; they were so well-worded and thought provoking. You've all given me a lot to think about!
We sold our house in the midst of all this madness and are currently renting because we couldn't find what we wanted to buy; I suppose this is part of my quandary because now is the time to leave if I'm leaving. My husband and I have discussed it and there's a possibility that I'll buy a bolthole for myself; our son will stay with him and I can visit. We're planning on moving away from the area (nothing to do with this scenario, it was on the cards anyway) so it makes sense for me in that I have my own business which I could continue to manage from where we are currently. Much to think about!
Generally I'm fine, thank you - like us all, I have good and bad days.
Sending hugs to you all xx
We sold our house in the midst of all this madness and are currently renting because we couldn't find what we wanted to buy; I suppose this is part of my quandary because now is the time to leave if I'm leaving. My husband and I have discussed it and there's a possibility that I'll buy a bolthole for myself; our son will stay with him and I can visit. We're planning on moving away from the area (nothing to do with this scenario, it was on the cards anyway) so it makes sense for me in that I have my own business which I could continue to manage from where we are currently. Much to think about!
Generally I'm fine, thank you - like us all, I have good and bad days.
Sending hugs to you all xx
Hi Lola
Glad to see your doing ok x
Only you can decide on what is right for you to do we are here to listen and support as much as we can and to be honest we all need
Just wanted to send hugs xx
Glad to see your doing ok x
Only you can decide on what is right for you to do we are here to listen and support as much as we can and to be honest we all need
Just wanted to send hugs xx
Hi Lola53
good to hear from you and I am pleased that you are generally doing okay and that (if I can say) I am glad you have reconsidered your darkest thought of suicide which you mentioned in another post, (big hug) , you have alot to live for and you are loved so dont forget that. i wish this sought of thing was openley discussed more because it may help stop young/older adults, kids falling into this behaviour and it would also help towards preventing child sexual abuse. I think that we are paying a diservice to the children of CA by not doing so, its needs to come from the top though dosen't it. It would also helps towards preventing situations like ours which influence how we feel and what we may do/think about doing. Sorry to ramble - but i hope you continue to feel okay x
You have loads to think about Lola, I think we are all sandwiched between difficults decisions to make aren't we . What ever you decide I send best wishes and hope that you find peace and calmness in what ever happens. That's what I want anyway . You just never know what individuals are going through do you. We get up, put on that makeup, smile and carry on don't we as if nothing major is going on .
sending virtual hug
maij x
good to hear from you and I am pleased that you are generally doing okay and that (if I can say) I am glad you have reconsidered your darkest thought of suicide which you mentioned in another post, (big hug) , you have alot to live for and you are loved so dont forget that. i wish this sought of thing was openley discussed more because it may help stop young/older adults, kids falling into this behaviour and it would also help towards preventing child sexual abuse. I think that we are paying a diservice to the children of CA by not doing so, its needs to come from the top though dosen't it. It would also helps towards preventing situations like ours which influence how we feel and what we may do/think about doing. Sorry to ramble - but i hope you continue to feel okay x
You have loads to think about Lola, I think we are all sandwiched between difficults decisions to make aren't we . What ever you decide I send best wishes and hope that you find peace and calmness in what ever happens. That's what I want anyway . You just never know what individuals are going through do you. We get up, put on that makeup, smile and carry on don't we as if nothing major is going on .
sending virtual hug
maij x
Thanks Upset Mum and Maij. I so agree, Maij, that this sort of thing could be discussed more openly; our local newspaper reported on Facebook yesterday on someone who had been in court for a large number of Cat C images .....it made me feel sick, especially when I read the comments which were of the 'disgusting, lock him up and throw away the key' persuasion. I'm not the sort of person who would ever have commented but, before this happened, I would have agreed with them because I didn't understand. My main thoughts were for his family and the pain they must be going through. I've said elsewhere on this forum that overcoming drugs and alcohol is celebrated and there are role models - but not for this, it's so taboo.
So yes, another day, the sun is shining and the make up and the smile are going on :-)
Lots of love xx
So yes, another day, the sun is shining and the make up and the smile are going on :-)
Lots of love xx
Hi Lola53
Thinking about you today and wondering how things are with you? I do hope you are okay and that there is some /strong beam of light at the end of your tunnel! And that things ste looking brighter for you and your son . X
We are okay , waiting game going through tribunals for work etc which is stressful , trying to salvage my sons career, particularly when the post drops through the door. Hopefully coming towards the end of a very long road soon.
big hug
maij x
Thinking about you today and wondering how things are with you? I do hope you are okay and that there is some /strong beam of light at the end of your tunnel! And that things ste looking brighter for you and your son . X
We are okay , waiting game going through tribunals for work etc which is stressful , trying to salvage my sons career, particularly when the post drops through the door. Hopefully coming towards the end of a very long road soon.
big hug
maij x
:) maij x