Struggling
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Hi I am new here Came across this site as I just feel I have no one to talk to or that would understand my ex partner of 12 years was caught looking at images while I was asleep 3 years ago I thought things would get easier but really struggling with myself at the moment anyone else in the same boat?
Hello Struggling
Well done for finding us. I am sorry that despite the passage of time you are still hurting so badly. It sounds as if there is a lot of unfinished business about what happened. Every one of us here, whether we remain with our partners or not, will be grieving for what we have lost, and will find it difficult to move on. Our confidence, trust in our own judgement and in others has been horribly damaged, and our life plans completely trashed. Please don't be hard on yourself but perhaps arrange to explore those feelings and identify a new way forwards with a counsellor or therapist who can help you with that within a safe space? If you feel your mood is so low you are struggling with getting through the day ( or night) have a chat with your GP as sometimes medication can help.
The Stop It Now helpline is excellent but it has limited hours and it can sometimes be difficult to get through, but Samaritans is there 24/7, even in those early hours of the morning.
Do take care.
Well done for finding us. I am sorry that despite the passage of time you are still hurting so badly. It sounds as if there is a lot of unfinished business about what happened. Every one of us here, whether we remain with our partners or not, will be grieving for what we have lost, and will find it difficult to move on. Our confidence, trust in our own judgement and in others has been horribly damaged, and our life plans completely trashed. Please don't be hard on yourself but perhaps arrange to explore those feelings and identify a new way forwards with a counsellor or therapist who can help you with that within a safe space? If you feel your mood is so low you are struggling with getting through the day ( or night) have a chat with your GP as sometimes medication can help.
The Stop It Now helpline is excellent but it has limited hours and it can sometimes be difficult to get through, but Samaritans is there 24/7, even in those early hours of the morning.
Do take care.
Thankyou very much for your reply I took alot of crap from people when it hit social media when they found out what he did people assumed cos I was his partner I must of knew what was going on I was on it etc it's getting very close to him being released from prison I'm struggling scared petrified that it's all going to be aimed at me again if when people realise he's back out anyone else feel like this
Dear Strugglingsarah
I'm sorry you have found yourself in this position. I have not yet been forced to face the recriminations of other people. I will admit to being absolutely petrified of it! Other people just don't understand about the situations we have all found ourselves in. You have nothing to be blamed for and people should be ashamed of making this whole thing harder on you!
I really wish I could give you some advice on how to cope with this but I am in a different position so have no experience of it. All I can say is pretty basic. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Talk to a Dr if you feel you are struggling. Continue to reach out here, everyone is in very different circumstances but we all feel the pain, guilt, terror and confusion and we are guaranteed to never judge you.
Take care, sending a big hug
Annamarie
I'm sorry you have found yourself in this position. I have not yet been forced to face the recriminations of other people. I will admit to being absolutely petrified of it! Other people just don't understand about the situations we have all found ourselves in. You have nothing to be blamed for and people should be ashamed of making this whole thing harder on you!
I really wish I could give you some advice on how to cope with this but I am in a different position so have no experience of it. All I can say is pretty basic. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Talk to a Dr if you feel you are struggling. Continue to reach out here, everyone is in very different circumstances but we all feel the pain, guilt, terror and confusion and we are guaranteed to never judge you.
Take care, sending a big hug
Annamarie
Struggling
Will your partner/husband coming back to stay with you? I am thinking there might be an increased risk of some unpleasantness if that is the case but even so that is no reason to target you. If you are seriously worried it might be an idea to stay away from social media and to have a chat with the Police to see if they can put a marker on your address.This means they would prioritise a response to you if you called them. If your husband is coming back to you and is on the SOR there might already be a marker on the address.
Having said all this, most people have probably moved on from the drama of your husband's case and physical attacks on property and on the person are incredibly rare. People might say some horrid things but usually that is all.
My husband's case was reported in the local press and I felt very scared just answering the door for several days, worrying my car might be vandalised etc. There were some difficult conversations with friends and neighbours but they seem to have gotten over it and things have settled down.again. We ensured we came off social media completely before the Court appearance and I think it was a wise decision.
I can understand your fear, but gain strength from from what you have already been through. We are always here for each other.
Will your partner/husband coming back to stay with you? I am thinking there might be an increased risk of some unpleasantness if that is the case but even so that is no reason to target you. If you are seriously worried it might be an idea to stay away from social media and to have a chat with the Police to see if they can put a marker on your address.This means they would prioritise a response to you if you called them. If your husband is coming back to you and is on the SOR there might already be a marker on the address.
Having said all this, most people have probably moved on from the drama of your husband's case and physical attacks on property and on the person are incredibly rare. People might say some horrid things but usually that is all.
My husband's case was reported in the local press and I felt very scared just answering the door for several days, worrying my car might be vandalised etc. There were some difficult conversations with friends and neighbours but they seem to have gotten over it and things have settled down.again. We ensured we came off social media completely before the Court appearance and I think it was a wise decision.
I can understand your fear, but gain strength from from what you have already been through. We are always here for each other.
Thankyou everyone for the lovely messages no he isn't coming back here but there's always that worry if it hadn't gone in the local press I would be coping better they didn't help the situation unfortunately when he got sentenced and it hit the local press my garden got vandalised I had cctv evidence of someone smashing my fence with a hammer the police did absolutely nothing they just wasn't seemed interested I have little faith in the police anymore I live by myself still in the same house we shared together I pulled myself through it some how every little noise I'm up it's getting to a point now he's getting ready for release and all the feeling emotions are all coming back the panic being frightened I know I never did anything wrong but why do I feel so punished by it
Struggling
Sorry to hear your experiences with the Police were so poor. I know it won't be a surprise to many on this forum, but my own experiences have been quite positive with them.
It sounds as if you may be having symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. This is completely understandable and something you can recover from. I'd really suggest having a word with your GP about having some talking therapy to get over this bump in the road.
Stay strong.
Sorry to hear your experiences with the Police were so poor. I know it won't be a surprise to many on this forum, but my own experiences have been quite positive with them.
It sounds as if you may be having symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. This is completely understandable and something you can recover from. I'd really suggest having a word with your GP about having some talking therapy to get over this bump in the road.
Stay strong.
Hi struggling.
I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through, you are most certainly not alone. Unfortunately I am in a similar boat to you so it was reassuring to see I am not the only one, as I hope my post here does for you.
The only difference with myself is that i chose to stay with partner, so the self depricating thoughts feel justified because i was not strong enough to pick me and my own future over 'us'. So some how i feel like these feelings are caused by myself, because i could have left.
I got the knock around 2 years ago and I've thought about it every day since. Long term partner arrested for images, possession only, no sharing or forums etc.
He came home and played it down at first, acted like he had stumbled across it when looking at regular porn, on reflection i think i knew he was lying deep down but I was so distraught, so just hoping for the best, I ended up staying. We kept it to ourselves and didnt tell anyone while his devices were checked, but month by month a little more came out of him when i probed harder, the porn addiction which seems so common upon reading this forum was brought to light.
Throughout this time my whole world was in utter turmoil, and I felt I couldn't talk to anyone. I still feel that way, I don't want to burden them when they can't understand.
Anyway, his day and court came, there was media coverage and family and friends found out. I know about the whispers, I never want to go out and about with him, we always have to go out of the village we live in socially. I'm scared, anxious about the looks, I just want everything back the way it was and to live a normal life, I just don't know deep down if I will ever be able to forgive him and stop worrying about everyone elses opinions. Everyday I'm trying, trying to move on, trying not to think about it, when does it get easier. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to live the rest of my life this way.
Please know that you truly are not alone and your post inspired me to share, cry and hope for the strength of a better future.
I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through, you are most certainly not alone. Unfortunately I am in a similar boat to you so it was reassuring to see I am not the only one, as I hope my post here does for you.
The only difference with myself is that i chose to stay with partner, so the self depricating thoughts feel justified because i was not strong enough to pick me and my own future over 'us'. So some how i feel like these feelings are caused by myself, because i could have left.
I got the knock around 2 years ago and I've thought about it every day since. Long term partner arrested for images, possession only, no sharing or forums etc.
He came home and played it down at first, acted like he had stumbled across it when looking at regular porn, on reflection i think i knew he was lying deep down but I was so distraught, so just hoping for the best, I ended up staying. We kept it to ourselves and didnt tell anyone while his devices were checked, but month by month a little more came out of him when i probed harder, the porn addiction which seems so common upon reading this forum was brought to light.
Throughout this time my whole world was in utter turmoil, and I felt I couldn't talk to anyone. I still feel that way, I don't want to burden them when they can't understand.
Anyway, his day and court came, there was media coverage and family and friends found out. I know about the whispers, I never want to go out and about with him, we always have to go out of the village we live in socially. I'm scared, anxious about the looks, I just want everything back the way it was and to live a normal life, I just don't know deep down if I will ever be able to forgive him and stop worrying about everyone elses opinions. Everyday I'm trying, trying to move on, trying not to think about it, when does it get easier. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to live the rest of my life this way.
Please know that you truly are not alone and your post inspired me to share, cry and hope for the strength of a better future.
Hats of to all you women trying to keep strong the whole process is awful physically emotionally mentally draining as many of us all are victims of other peoples actions it's bein a very tough today was awful it's bein very quiet since he got released we aren't even together anymore but he got noticed locally then once again shared on social media it's really tough knowing your a good person that's never done anything wrong trying to get on with your life again then that panic of feeling so scared petrified hits you right in the face it's the vigilantes that fright the hell out-of me and that's the worse part of all this
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