Court pending. Do I tell my family
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My OH has had a date for the initial plea hearing. He's been charged with one count of communicating with someone purporting to be 13 and he had no reasonable grounds to think they were over 16 and one count of sending someone who he believed to be 13 a picture of a sexual nature.
until now only those who needed to know for legal reasons know about this situation, but now all I can think about is whether I tell my close family ie parents and siblings.
I have to now kept them out of it. My family love just OH and I'm worried what it will do to them. I'm currently supporting him and worried if I tell them that they'll not understand etc.
similarly I'm aware that there is a chance of media and don't want them to hear through that, but if it doesn't hit the media then I've caused unnecessary anguish/distress that could have been avoided.
any suggestions would be appreciated.
until now only those who needed to know for legal reasons know about this situation, but now all I can think about is whether I tell my close family ie parents and siblings.
I have to now kept them out of it. My family love just OH and I'm worried what it will do to them. I'm currently supporting him and worried if I tell them that they'll not understand etc.
similarly I'm aware that there is a chance of media and don't want them to hear through that, but if it doesn't hit the media then I've caused unnecessary anguish/distress that could have been avoided.
any suggestions would be appreciated.
This is.not going to be a pleasant experience which ever way you play this.
Truth will inevitably come out but if you take the initiative you have more control about which version of the truth ( the narrative) family and friends receive.
The media report will be the bald, unvarnished account. It will be horrible, all about the offences and no context. When I did the rounds of friends ( we don't have close family anymore) I was able to paint a more holistic picture. I said my husband was in Court, what it was for, how difficult things had been, he had lost his job, made me unwell , how appalled I am by what he has done, how he has let so many people down. Crucially how awful it had been keeping the truth from them. Then how I had seriously considered leaving but he has taken steps to address the problem e.g. courses, therapy, risk assessments etc. He has done a bad thing, he.is not a bad person. He is highly remorseful and asking forgiveness, though he knows he has to earn this.
This involves eating an awful lot of "crow" ,as the Americans say, but it shows people they matter and that you value them. Also asking them to consider the whole person they know, not just what he has done.
This worked pretty well for us ,though everyone was shocked, and one in particular was a bit snippy but has since been more civil if rather distant.
Truth will inevitably come out but if you take the initiative you have more control about which version of the truth ( the narrative) family and friends receive.
The media report will be the bald, unvarnished account. It will be horrible, all about the offences and no context. When I did the rounds of friends ( we don't have close family anymore) I was able to paint a more holistic picture. I said my husband was in Court, what it was for, how difficult things had been, he had lost his job, made me unwell , how appalled I am by what he has done, how he has let so many people down. Crucially how awful it had been keeping the truth from them. Then how I had seriously considered leaving but he has taken steps to address the problem e.g. courses, therapy, risk assessments etc. He has done a bad thing, he.is not a bad person. He is highly remorseful and asking forgiveness, though he knows he has to earn this.
This involves eating an awful lot of "crow" ,as the Americans say, but it shows people they matter and that you value them. Also asking them to consider the whole person they know, not just what he has done.
This worked pretty well for us ,though everyone was shocked, and one in particular was a bit snippy but has since been more civil if rather distant.
Hi Judith
thanks for sharing, I keep thinking it's the way to go. Just scary
thanks for sharing, I keep thinking it's the way to go. Just scary
Hi Blackbird,
I do agree with Judith, a think a 'version' of the truth is better coming from you than the papers. Of course, you do not have to reveal all the details but providing context, which will only come from you and your partner will help.
On the day of the knock, I instinctively rang my parents and then my partners parents. I wasn't sure for a while if I ever made the right decision telling them but it has now been 6 months for us, and whilst my parents still struggle to accept what my partner has done, they do respect my decision to support him. His parents, have also chosen to support him so I'm glad I chose to disclose sooner rather than later.
if you are unsure though, I did see a post a while back about a womena and husband who had prepared statements, so to speak for their family and friends in case they saw the media in court. Face to face disclosure will always be difficult but if you remain unsure, perhaps prepare your story in advance and then if the worse does happen, your closest will not jump to conclusions. X
I do agree with Judith, a think a 'version' of the truth is better coming from you than the papers. Of course, you do not have to reveal all the details but providing context, which will only come from you and your partner will help.
On the day of the knock, I instinctively rang my parents and then my partners parents. I wasn't sure for a while if I ever made the right decision telling them but it has now been 6 months for us, and whilst my parents still struggle to accept what my partner has done, they do respect my decision to support him. His parents, have also chosen to support him so I'm glad I chose to disclose sooner rather than later.
if you are unsure though, I did see a post a while back about a womena and husband who had prepared statements, so to speak for their family and friends in case they saw the media in court. Face to face disclosure will always be difficult but if you remain unsure, perhaps prepare your story in advance and then if the worse does happen, your closest will not jump to conclusions. X
Thanks orchid84
Ive inform my OH of my intentions and whilst he doesn't want me to he does understand and knows that it's the right thing that he accepts he will have to live with consequences of his actions. Hopefully the family will be ok ????
Ive inform my OH of my intentions and whilst he doesn't want me to he does understand and knows that it's the right thing that he accepts he will have to live with consequences of his actions. Hopefully the family will be ok ????
I'd agree with other people on this thread that have recommended telling them before they hear it from someone else.
Although your partner may not want you to tell people, you didn't ask to be in the situation and you need to do what you feel is right for you and your friendships/ relationships. You'll need support around you and that might more forthcoming if you've been open to people.
I have told a close friend and my parents, both have been very good. My main reason for talking to them was because I needed support. I'm so grateful for them, I now have a safe space where I can go and be myself.
I hope whoever you decide to tell is reasonable, respectful and can support you, you are a completely innocent party in all of this.
Although your partner may not want you to tell people, you didn't ask to be in the situation and you need to do what you feel is right for you and your friendships/ relationships. You'll need support around you and that might more forthcoming if you've been open to people.
I have told a close friend and my parents, both have been very good. My main reason for talking to them was because I needed support. I'm so grateful for them, I now have a safe space where I can go and be myself.
I hope whoever you decide to tell is reasonable, respectful and can support you, you are a completely innocent party in all of this.
this is an interesting read as therapist told us not to tell anyone. There are pros and cons to both options and I have no idea which is the correct thing to do x
Thanks all
Hi Jayjay, both the solicitor and the therapist have said to not tell anyone also. However with the possibility of it being in the media somewhere I'm worried that my parents and sibling will find out. The decision is tearing me in two. I don't want to devastate they're lives and bring them into all this They all love my OH and my parents are elderly. Bit if I don't and they find out through a third party then is that worse. If I tell them then o can control the narrative to a point. If o don't tell them they'll be devastated that I didn't confide in them also.
I hate that my OH has put me in this situation. I am so torn on this
The solicitor has said that it's highly unlikely that it'll be in the media after this the first court date which is next week.
Hi Jayjay, both the solicitor and the therapist have said to not tell anyone also. However with the possibility of it being in the media somewhere I'm worried that my parents and sibling will find out. The decision is tearing me in two. I don't want to devastate they're lives and bring them into all this They all love my OH and my parents are elderly. Bit if I don't and they find out through a third party then is that worse. If I tell them then o can control the narrative to a point. If o don't tell them they'll be devastated that I didn't confide in them also.
I hate that my OH has put me in this situation. I am so torn on this
The solicitor has said that it's highly unlikely that it'll be in the media after this the first court date which is next week.
So I told my parents today. Went surprisingly well. They called him a few things but otherwise we're ok. We talked for a good few hours about it all. They knew something was wrong but could work out what and thanked me for telling them.
feel so much better for telling them and not having to hide away
feel so much better for telling them and not having to hide away
Hey blackbird,
Well done for telling your parents... We're the receptive towards the news ?
I ask because I am in the same position except I only now have a dad (mum died, she knew and accepted it, hated what he did but not him)... My dad Does not like my husband... He doesn't hate him by any means but he would prefer I was with someone else who didn't have mental health problems...
I don't think the case is likely to hit the media to be honest but I am not sure I want to take that chance... My wider family won't understand either I don't think... They're all very black and white...
We're not even at the devices back from the police yet so...
Well done for telling your parents... We're the receptive towards the news ?
I ask because I am in the same position except I only now have a dad (mum died, she knew and accepted it, hated what he did but not him)... My dad Does not like my husband... He doesn't hate him by any means but he would prefer I was with someone else who didn't have mental health problems...
I don't think the case is likely to hit the media to be honest but I am not sure I want to take that chance... My wider family won't understand either I don't think... They're all very black and white...
We're not even at the devices back from the police yet so...
Hi Blackhound
both my parents were really receptive and understanding. Their reaction was that he's done a really bad thing but they know him and know this doesn't define him. They told me stories of experiences that they'd knew of when they were younger. I'm lucky my parents both think highly of him anyway. My OH has helped them loads over the years and that's what they saw.
sorry to hear of your mum. If you decide to tell your dad I'm sure he'll be supportive for you if nothing else.
we've not got any devices back either. From my research we're not likely to until after sentencing and then I can apply for their return. Naively I thought it would be automatic but it doesn't appear to be.
good luck with however you decide to move forward x
both my parents were really receptive and understanding. Their reaction was that he's done a really bad thing but they know him and know this doesn't define him. They told me stories of experiences that they'd knew of when they were younger. I'm lucky my parents both think highly of him anyway. My OH has helped them loads over the years and that's what they saw.
sorry to hear of your mum. If you decide to tell your dad I'm sure he'll be supportive for you if nothing else.
we've not got any devices back either. From my research we're not likely to until after sentencing and then I can apply for their return. Naively I thought it would be automatic but it doesn't appear to be.
good luck with however you decide to move forward x
Hi blackbird
How are you doing? did your case reach the media? X
How are you doing? did your case reach the media? X
Hi JayJay
his case was in the media on the crown court date. a full article detailing every detail of what he did. What really upset me was that the article headline included "supportive wife despite his actions" as if was at fault.
Luckily for us it was the city paper where the crown court is based and not the most local papers. However we still have to wait another few weeks to see if the local papers report on it as they seem to report a month later.
hoping they don't
his case was in the media on the crown court date. a full article detailing every detail of what he did. What really upset me was that the article headline included "supportive wife despite his actions" as if was at fault.
Luckily for us it was the city paper where the crown court is based and not the most local papers. However we still have to wait another few weeks to see if the local papers report on it as they seem to report a month later.
hoping they don't
Hi, I hope the local vultures don't get wind of it. How are you doing? X
Hi Jay Jay
luckily nothing has come out in the local press and all is good so far. Hoping it stays that way. I've told him he's been lucky. Unusually for our area there's been some much worse crime in the area so that seems to have meant the press have been busy with that.
luckily nothing has come out in the local press and all is good so far. Hoping it stays that way. I've told him he's been lucky. Unusually for our area there's been some much worse crime in the area so that seems to have meant the press have been busy with that.
I spoke too soon. Full Article in our local paper this week. The only saving grace is that it only mentioned our town and not our street and most people know me from childhood and don't know my married surname many just know him as my husband. Hopefully that will be it and nothing more will come of it
I hope you're ok blackbird and the media sh*t storm has past x
really lucky again. Nothing at all locally has happened. Our neighbours are still friends and life is normal (well as normal as it can be whilst we try and rebuild our relationship).
couple of things have changed for life. My eldest doesn't want to see him and neither does my brother so we work around that reasonably well.
thanks for everyone's support
couple of things have changed for life. My eldest doesn't want to see him and neither does my brother so we work around that reasonably well.
thanks for everyone's support
You got very lucky their Black Bird !