I'm at my limit.
Notifications OFF
There's so many good times but I can't.
Today has been a bad time. I've cried non stop because my partner yet again refuses to go to work. Going there makes his depression worse. Another promise broken. I've said please either give in your notice (because he's had a heck ton of time off) or ask to go part time, I'll support both just make a decision. He has asked if he can go part time but promised he'd go in today.
He is laying in a lot more. He still does the chores and what not. We still spend some quality time together and he's been trying hard.
But I'm worth more than this. Actions speak louder than words and even though he's changing, I cannot take anymore mistakes. It's to the point where I don't think depression is real, because actions speak louder than words. I think it's a fallacy so that people can just have an excuse for their behaviours. If I have to ****ing carry on why shouldn't he?
I want a divorce at the point in time where he's trying to better himself, but he cannot comprehend what it's like for me. I am scared of divorce because part of me still loves him and I hate myself for being here, especially when I've seen my friends leave long relationships because they wanted better... They are so much happier leaving there baggage behind... Funny thing is they left because of a number of things including depression of their partners ..
There's good times, but by god there's so much resentment. I can see a future where someone treats me better but it won't ever be comparable to what we have. I feel so gaurded against him, I don't feel like I can ever let my walls down.
I'm in so much pain right now and to me I cannot see the wood from the trees. I've been in bed since 2pm. I'll be honest, I've contemplated killing myself just to escape from this nightmare. I'm not going to because I'm not selfish, but the pain is so real because I can just see life without everything right now, I wouldn't be disappointed, argue, laugh and smile. Yet on the flip side, I wouldn't have someone who I once considered my best friend by my side.
You're the only people whom I can talk frankly with about this. I so wish my mum was alive right now, she knew what he did and she would give me the best hug and tell me that everything is going to be okay.
I have no one but his parents to talk to about this and his parents will try to be fair but there his parents so who can blame them for not wanting to get too involved.
I don't feel taken care of. I feel so much strain on my shoulders and it pathetic because unlike you super parents here, I don't even have kids.
I feel like a worthless peice of trash right now.
Today has been a bad time. I've cried non stop because my partner yet again refuses to go to work. Going there makes his depression worse. Another promise broken. I've said please either give in your notice (because he's had a heck ton of time off) or ask to go part time, I'll support both just make a decision. He has asked if he can go part time but promised he'd go in today.
He is laying in a lot more. He still does the chores and what not. We still spend some quality time together and he's been trying hard.
But I'm worth more than this. Actions speak louder than words and even though he's changing, I cannot take anymore mistakes. It's to the point where I don't think depression is real, because actions speak louder than words. I think it's a fallacy so that people can just have an excuse for their behaviours. If I have to ****ing carry on why shouldn't he?
I want a divorce at the point in time where he's trying to better himself, but he cannot comprehend what it's like for me. I am scared of divorce because part of me still loves him and I hate myself for being here, especially when I've seen my friends leave long relationships because they wanted better... They are so much happier leaving there baggage behind... Funny thing is they left because of a number of things including depression of their partners ..
There's good times, but by god there's so much resentment. I can see a future where someone treats me better but it won't ever be comparable to what we have. I feel so gaurded against him, I don't feel like I can ever let my walls down.
I'm in so much pain right now and to me I cannot see the wood from the trees. I've been in bed since 2pm. I'll be honest, I've contemplated killing myself just to escape from this nightmare. I'm not going to because I'm not selfish, but the pain is so real because I can just see life without everything right now, I wouldn't be disappointed, argue, laugh and smile. Yet on the flip side, I wouldn't have someone who I once considered my best friend by my side.
You're the only people whom I can talk frankly with about this. I so wish my mum was alive right now, she knew what he did and she would give me the best hug and tell me that everything is going to be okay.
I have no one but his parents to talk to about this and his parents will try to be fair but there his parents so who can blame them for not wanting to get too involved.
I don't feel taken care of. I feel so much strain on my shoulders and it pathetic because unlike you super parents here, I don't even have kids.
I feel like a worthless peice of trash right now.
Hi Blackhound,
As I am writing this I am lying in bed crying because I too am feeling worthless, but we r not, I've had a row with my hubby, who has caused all this shit, unfortunately we have to live separately and it is like I am begging him to spend time together and tonight I've flipped, I've told him I can't keep begging for him to want to spend time with me, and he is like OK, it's like they cause this shit and we have to deal with everything and try to make them feel better when it should be the other way round. While I can't give any good advice I just want u to no ur not alone x
As I am writing this I am lying in bed crying because I too am feeling worthless, but we r not, I've had a row with my hubby, who has caused all this shit, unfortunately we have to live separately and it is like I am begging him to spend time together and tonight I've flipped, I've told him I can't keep begging for him to want to spend time with me, and he is like OK, it's like they cause this shit and we have to deal with everything and try to make them feel better when it should be the other way round. While I can't give any good advice I just want u to no ur not alone x
Oh dawn,
I know from following your story that you've had a pretty tough time of it with your husband...
If you must beg to spend time with anyone it should be yourself, not him...
Have you anyone in your personal life you can offload to?
I know from following your story that you've had a pretty tough time of it with your husband...
If you must beg to spend time with anyone it should be yourself, not him...
Have you anyone in your personal life you can offload to?
Oh Blackhound,
I'm so sorry you're going through hell at the moment - sending you a big hug.
Obviously I do not know your partner but by the sounds of it, he's burying his head in the sand. I certainly don't think he's the first to act this way and I'm sure many other partners have witnessed this behaviour too. I think you're right in calling it depression, and it all affects us differently unfortunately.
I don't really have advice to offer either but I would suggest you have some time apart. What you've already been through is difficult enough without having to feel responsible for something you played no part in. Take some time apart and focus on you.
I also hope I am not speaking out of turn either but have you read Paula Halls "A Partners Perspective." I went through similar feelings some time ago and found it really helped me revalue myself. I honestly think it will help you make sense of how you are feeling and how to move forward if you havent.
Stay strong and keep fighting. X
I'm so sorry you're going through hell at the moment - sending you a big hug.
Obviously I do not know your partner but by the sounds of it, he's burying his head in the sand. I certainly don't think he's the first to act this way and I'm sure many other partners have witnessed this behaviour too. I think you're right in calling it depression, and it all affects us differently unfortunately.
I don't really have advice to offer either but I would suggest you have some time apart. What you've already been through is difficult enough without having to feel responsible for something you played no part in. Take some time apart and focus on you.
I also hope I am not speaking out of turn either but have you read Paula Halls "A Partners Perspective." I went through similar feelings some time ago and found it really helped me revalue myself. I honestly think it will help you make sense of how you are feeling and how to move forward if you havent.
Stay strong and keep fighting. X
Hi orchid,
He's the king of burying his head in the sand unless I push him to where he needs to go to get help...
I really would like some time apart but I work from home ... Though I can go into the office when I want ... I just don't have the energy to...
I haven't read it no so it's not our of turn, thank you...
Problem is he's not a sex addict, he did a stupid thing 4-5 times in the midst of confusion over his sexuality, shame and undiagnosed chronic depression which he drunk his way through as a super high functioning alcoholic and continued on.. He just cannot seem to find a middle ground in his life...
He's also now been told heliekly has ADHD, and we know he's basically autistic as well...
I just don't know how go on like this... One week we're fine and the week after it goes to s**t....
He's the king of burying his head in the sand unless I push him to where he needs to go to get help...
I really would like some time apart but I work from home ... Though I can go into the office when I want ... I just don't have the energy to...
I haven't read it no so it's not our of turn, thank you...
Problem is he's not a sex addict, he did a stupid thing 4-5 times in the midst of confusion over his sexuality, shame and undiagnosed chronic depression which he drunk his way through as a super high functioning alcoholic and continued on.. He just cannot seem to find a middle ground in his life...
He's also now been told heliekly has ADHD, and we know he's basically autistic as well...
I just don't know how go on like this... One week we're fine and the week after it goes to s**t....
Hi Blackhound,
Ur right I went for a drive and he rang and I told him how he made me feel and how things need to change, it's just so hard, I too suffer with depression and I no it is hard, I no he doesn't understand about depression but wat we have been through is because of him and now my depression is worst than ever and I told him so. I think it's a case of watch this space. Thank u for posting as u said how I was feeling and its good to no ur not alone, as we all feel so very alone on this journey xx
Ur right I went for a drive and he rang and I told him how he made me feel and how things need to change, it's just so hard, I too suffer with depression and I no it is hard, I no he doesn't understand about depression but wat we have been through is because of him and now my depression is worst than ever and I told him so. I think it's a case of watch this space. Thank u for posting as u said how I was feeling and its good to no ur not alone, as we all feel so very alone on this journey xx
I'm so sorry that you're both having such a tough time.
I cant really offer any advice other than the usual self care and taking time for yourself. Like orchid said, it sounds like some time aprt would be good blackhound, if just to give you some respite. Do you have anywhere you could stay for a few days or anything like that?
Being a depressive myself, I can assure you it's real but unfortunately I also known it's a selfish illness. When you are in the depths of despair it is often very hard to consider others and the impact you have on them other than to add to the feelings of self worthlessness. I also know you cannot do much to help someone suffering from depression other than be there and that it's really hard on the people around you.
Obviously I can't say whether your partner is depressed or making excuses but in either case the best thing you can do is focus on yourself. I can't imagine how tough it is to discover this about your partner and have to make such tough life decisions. In my case it was my son and its been horrendous yes, but it made the decision to support him very easy. I honestly don't know what I'd do in your position and completely understand how you feel conflicted and worried. There's no rush on making long term decisions so give yourself as much time as you need.
The last thing I want to say is this is an immensely tough position to be in no matter your circumstances. Kids or not, you are amazing and you will get through this! Xx
I cant really offer any advice other than the usual self care and taking time for yourself. Like orchid said, it sounds like some time aprt would be good blackhound, if just to give you some respite. Do you have anywhere you could stay for a few days or anything like that?
Being a depressive myself, I can assure you it's real but unfortunately I also known it's a selfish illness. When you are in the depths of despair it is often very hard to consider others and the impact you have on them other than to add to the feelings of self worthlessness. I also know you cannot do much to help someone suffering from depression other than be there and that it's really hard on the people around you.
Obviously I can't say whether your partner is depressed or making excuses but in either case the best thing you can do is focus on yourself. I can't imagine how tough it is to discover this about your partner and have to make such tough life decisions. In my case it was my son and its been horrendous yes, but it made the decision to support him very easy. I honestly don't know what I'd do in your position and completely understand how you feel conflicted and worried. There's no rush on making long term decisions so give yourself as much time as you need.
The last thing I want to say is this is an immensely tough position to be in no matter your circumstances. Kids or not, you are amazing and you will get through this! Xx
I can almost hear the pain in your voice Dawn :( ... It's good that you went for a drive, even if it's short to get away from things... It's so difficult to understand why someone has depression but I think in your case it makes sense .. Has your partner addressed why he did what he did, has he made an improvements to himself ?
Its a shame we cannot talk further than this forum Dawn :( but know you're not alone.
Its a shame we cannot talk further than this forum Dawn :( but know you're not alone.
I'm so sorry that you're both having such a tough time.
Heya Grace,
Thanks for reaching out, it's okay ... I guess advice was secondary to just offloading my feelings...
I don't think I have anywhere I could stay because then I'd have to tell people why I need a break..
Honestly, deep down I know depression is real... It's just so difficult for me to comphrend someone choice to for example stay in bed or not shower.... It's so difficult to comprehend that...
I thinks it's both, he never dealt with his depression properly... He never got anything other than Crisis care... Which for short term is great... I know that he got calls once a week from a psychologist during this but again, nothing that stuck...
If I am being brutual, I get why my husband did what he did... I really do and because of that I can rationalise and forgive that... Also because I never found it myself I can be somewhat distant from the pain because it's almost like it never happened.... It's the constant false promises that really make me say, screw it... I'm out. I don't care. My walls are up and they're gonna stay that way. I'm not letting you emotionally break me again. However I have massively high expectations so I don't know whether it's me or not... I also have control issues in my relationship which I always have so...
It must have been difficult for you to find out it was your so Grace, but I am glad the decision was easy to make to support him. He has a great mother !
Thank you for your kind words xx
Heya Grace,
Thanks for reaching out, it's okay ... I guess advice was secondary to just offloading my feelings...
I don't think I have anywhere I could stay because then I'd have to tell people why I need a break..
Honestly, deep down I know depression is real... It's just so difficult for me to comphrend someone choice to for example stay in bed or not shower.... It's so difficult to comprehend that...
I thinks it's both, he never dealt with his depression properly... He never got anything other than Crisis care... Which for short term is great... I know that he got calls once a week from a psychologist during this but again, nothing that stuck...
If I am being brutual, I get why my husband did what he did... I really do and because of that I can rationalise and forgive that... Also because I never found it myself I can be somewhat distant from the pain because it's almost like it never happened.... It's the constant false promises that really make me say, screw it... I'm out. I don't care. My walls are up and they're gonna stay that way. I'm not letting you emotionally break me again. However I have massively high expectations so I don't know whether it's me or not... I also have control issues in my relationship which I always have so...
It must have been difficult for you to find out it was your so Grace, but I am glad the decision was easy to make to support him. He has a great mother !
Thank you for your kind words xx
Dear Blackhound
I hope today is a better day for you.
I would just like to share with you that I too am terrified of divorce and separation. I can't even explain exactly why, I just am. My friends have left partners, moved on with someone else or even found happiness alone but I'm just to much of a wimp to do it I think. I'm starting to wonder of I'm hiding behind the fact that I love him in order to not do it, otherwise how can I accept all this? Its all very well saying that he would need therapy and work on his mental health but I just can't escape the thought that if we stay together, I have accepted that he looked at and talked about children. How are we supposed to live with that?
I just wanted you to know that although I have no solutions and God, do I wish I did, you aren't alone in feeling the way you do. Every day is a new exercise in pain and you did the best thing by reaching out on her. Just think for yourself and do what you want. I know I need to find the strength to do the same.
Sending as much comfort as I can
Annamarie
I hope today is a better day for you.
I would just like to share with you that I too am terrified of divorce and separation. I can't even explain exactly why, I just am. My friends have left partners, moved on with someone else or even found happiness alone but I'm just to much of a wimp to do it I think. I'm starting to wonder of I'm hiding behind the fact that I love him in order to not do it, otherwise how can I accept all this? Its all very well saying that he would need therapy and work on his mental health but I just can't escape the thought that if we stay together, I have accepted that he looked at and talked about children. How are we supposed to live with that?
I just wanted you to know that although I have no solutions and God, do I wish I did, you aren't alone in feeling the way you do. Every day is a new exercise in pain and you did the best thing by reaching out on her. Just think for yourself and do what you want. I know I need to find the strength to do the same.
Sending as much comfort as I can
Annamarie
Thanks Anna Marie for reaching out. It feels sometimes sad to think we have found comfort in a situation like this but hey, were only human and we need love and support sometimes.
Today has been okay. We're talking and we've been to walk the dogs together. I've shared my thoughts and feelings about wanting to explore beyond the realms of our relationship but also wanting to have him in my life as my partner too... I too would like to explore my sexuality (not orientation) and experience new things...
He has told me I can do it but to not tell him about it.
It feels as if our friends are sometimes part of a club that are able to live a normal life, function normally, leave relationships and find happiness and then there's us, it makes me feel worthless and a nothing person...
Have you ever addressed it in therapy ? I have thought about it countless times, I do love my partner, which is why it hurts to leave him and I am pretty much Autistic and never ever handle emotions well... So Unless someone forces me to do something, I won't do it. I bury my head in the sand, much like these men do with their problems... I also struggle because again, despite our struggles my partner and I get along very well. Just today on our walk I told him I'd miss the talks we have...
Talking about accepting the fact that they have looked at and spoke about children, it's really difficult to think that we condone this behaviour if we stay isn't in? I certainly don't condone it, I understand why he did what he did which helps me rationalise his behaviour... What I can't live with is people finding out ... That's where I very much struggle... Have you spoke to your partner about this with him?
I'm very glad you reached out Anna Marie, I'm too sending comfort to you x
Today has been okay. We're talking and we've been to walk the dogs together. I've shared my thoughts and feelings about wanting to explore beyond the realms of our relationship but also wanting to have him in my life as my partner too... I too would like to explore my sexuality (not orientation) and experience new things...
He has told me I can do it but to not tell him about it.
It feels as if our friends are sometimes part of a club that are able to live a normal life, function normally, leave relationships and find happiness and then there's us, it makes me feel worthless and a nothing person...
Have you ever addressed it in therapy ? I have thought about it countless times, I do love my partner, which is why it hurts to leave him and I am pretty much Autistic and never ever handle emotions well... So Unless someone forces me to do something, I won't do it. I bury my head in the sand, much like these men do with their problems... I also struggle because again, despite our struggles my partner and I get along very well. Just today on our walk I told him I'd miss the talks we have...
Talking about accepting the fact that they have looked at and spoke about children, it's really difficult to think that we condone this behaviour if we stay isn't in? I certainly don't condone it, I understand why he did what he did which helps me rationalise his behaviour... What I can't live with is people finding out ... That's where I very much struggle... Have you spoke to your partner about this with him?
I'm very glad you reached out Anna Marie, I'm too sending comfort to you x
Hi blackhound,
I am on mum's net if u want to talk on there, he has changed, and does try I just think sometimes he forget, unfortunately he doesn't understand depression and to be fair to him it's not his fault I've had it on and off for years but obviously this trauma and the trauma of watching our daughter try and hurt herself ( NOT BECAUSE OF HER DAD ) and then the stress of ss no wonder I'm a wreck, to be fair the process although long and winded wasn't the problem it's all the shit u deal with afterwards, in our case ss and they will never accept responsibility for them driving me to the point of breaking me, but hopefully this year my road to recovery starts x I just want to be able to go out with out getting stressed or becoming a mess
I am on mum's net if u want to talk on there, he has changed, and does try I just think sometimes he forget, unfortunately he doesn't understand depression and to be fair to him it's not his fault I've had it on and off for years but obviously this trauma and the trauma of watching our daughter try and hurt herself ( NOT BECAUSE OF HER DAD ) and then the stress of ss no wonder I'm a wreck, to be fair the process although long and winded wasn't the problem it's all the shit u deal with afterwards, in our case ss and they will never accept responsibility for them driving me to the point of breaking me, but hopefully this year my road to recovery starts x I just want to be able to go out with out getting stressed or becoming a mess
Hi Blackhound,
I'm glad you've had a better day and been able to work through things with your partner.
I would still recommend reading the Paula Hall book - a partners perspective as it's not specifically about your partner being addicted to sex as such, but rather why his coping mechanisms have lead him here, and you to experience a betrayal. You might not feel some parts are relevant but the second section outlines; surviving the trauma of discovery, understanding the cycle of reaction, repairing self-identity, facing the future and co-dependancy. The third section is then about how you and your partner move forward in your relationship and in all honesty, it has helped me loads. It is also hell of a lot cheaper than seeing a relationship counsellor too lol!
Glad you're doing ok. X
I'm glad you've had a better day and been able to work through things with your partner.
I would still recommend reading the Paula Hall book - a partners perspective as it's not specifically about your partner being addicted to sex as such, but rather why his coping mechanisms have lead him here, and you to experience a betrayal. You might not feel some parts are relevant but the second section outlines; surviving the trauma of discovery, understanding the cycle of reaction, repairing self-identity, facing the future and co-dependancy. The third section is then about how you and your partner move forward in your relationship and in all honesty, it has helped me loads. It is also hell of a lot cheaper than seeing a relationship counsellor too lol!
Glad you're doing ok. X
Thanks Orchid...
Ill give it a go :) I am also going to see another therapist I think as well because I don't process emotions very well (due to potential autism) and I need to address that before I can move forward in anyway ... X
Ill give it a go :) I am also going to see another therapist I think as well because I don't process emotions very well (due to potential autism) and I need to address that before I can move forward in anyway ... X
Post deleted by user
That's great to hear Blackhound. I hope you're new counsellor helps. X
Also, Confused123, I did read your earlier post but did not have chance to reply. I can see that it is now deleted but I am really sorry for what you're going through and cannot imagine the difficulties your partners behaviour is causing you. I cannot remember if you said you had friends/family for support, but please keep posting on this forum regardless. Talking really is the best therapy. Please look after you and put yourself first. X
Also, Confused123, I did read your earlier post but did not have chance to reply. I can see that it is now deleted but I am really sorry for what you're going through and cannot imagine the difficulties your partners behaviour is causing you. I cannot remember if you said you had friends/family for support, but please keep posting on this forum regardless. Talking really is the best therapy. Please look after you and put yourself first. X
Thanks Orchid...
Confused, if you feel like it please let us know how you are feeling... We're here to help !
Confused, if you feel like it please let us know how you are feeling... We're here to help !
Dear Blackhound.
You are not a nothing person. We are all innocent parties in all of this and it's these men that make us feel worthless, it doesn't make it true.
My husband knows that if the police take this further and the sordid truth comes out that I'm moving. I am already messaging people about swapping houses. All the homes I'm looking at are at least 2 hours drive from where we live now. He also knows there will be no communication with myself or our 2 children. I feel so ashamed when I think people may know what's happened and I'm still talking to him. Because he left our home (he is at his parents) I had to tell people something and I couldn't bare for it to be the truth, so I said that he had been cheating on me.
I too try to rationalise his reasons for doing what he did but sometimes I think it's a load of s##t. He knew what he was doing and was enjoying himself an it's all a big con and he is actually a pervert. Then I see him or remember something sweet he did and I just crumble all over again. He says he feels guilty but I don't think he will ever know just how much he has destroyed me. When I stand back and look at my situation I can't believe I havnt started divorce proceedings. I'm terrified of what comes next. The thought of people knowing is so horrific...I can't even put it in to words.
He is awaiting therapy but he has never really dealt with anything to do with doctors etc, I've always done it, so I don't even know if that's true. If we stay together I will definitely make a condition of it that he goes to therapy.
How about trying to separate your life from your partner a bit? Could you live in the same house for a while as friends? It seems to be a compromise that lots if couples in this situation can live with. Just find however you can to cope. Quite honestly I'm getting fed up of considering his feelings, he didn't consider mine or our childrens when he was sending messages about abhorrent things. Look out for yourself and consider your own happiness. You are not a nothing person and I think your social skills are just fine, autistic or not, have more confidence.
I really hope things are a bit more positive for you.
Sending a big hug x
You are not a nothing person. We are all innocent parties in all of this and it's these men that make us feel worthless, it doesn't make it true.
My husband knows that if the police take this further and the sordid truth comes out that I'm moving. I am already messaging people about swapping houses. All the homes I'm looking at are at least 2 hours drive from where we live now. He also knows there will be no communication with myself or our 2 children. I feel so ashamed when I think people may know what's happened and I'm still talking to him. Because he left our home (he is at his parents) I had to tell people something and I couldn't bare for it to be the truth, so I said that he had been cheating on me.
I too try to rationalise his reasons for doing what he did but sometimes I think it's a load of s##t. He knew what he was doing and was enjoying himself an it's all a big con and he is actually a pervert. Then I see him or remember something sweet he did and I just crumble all over again. He says he feels guilty but I don't think he will ever know just how much he has destroyed me. When I stand back and look at my situation I can't believe I havnt started divorce proceedings. I'm terrified of what comes next. The thought of people knowing is so horrific...I can't even put it in to words.
He is awaiting therapy but he has never really dealt with anything to do with doctors etc, I've always done it, so I don't even know if that's true. If we stay together I will definitely make a condition of it that he goes to therapy.
How about trying to separate your life from your partner a bit? Could you live in the same house for a while as friends? It seems to be a compromise that lots if couples in this situation can live with. Just find however you can to cope. Quite honestly I'm getting fed up of considering his feelings, he didn't consider mine or our childrens when he was sending messages about abhorrent things. Look out for yourself and consider your own happiness. You are not a nothing person and I think your social skills are just fine, autistic or not, have more confidence.
I really hope things are a bit more positive for you.
Sending a big hug x
Blackhound
I do hope you are feeling better. You are not a "worthless piece of trash" , i do hope that has gone out of your mind and you are in a better place.
it just saddens me to think that this and his actions have made you feel this way. When you are innocent of all this. As much as you love and know the person , you just never know what they are doing out of sight do you.
just remember and think of how you conduct yourself and the good things you do!! And focus on that. Love yourself big hug
maij x
I do hope you are feeling better. You are not a "worthless piece of trash" , i do hope that has gone out of your mind and you are in a better place.
it just saddens me to think that this and his actions have made you feel this way. When you are innocent of all this. As much as you love and know the person , you just never know what they are doing out of sight do you.
just remember and think of how you conduct yourself and the good things you do!! And focus on that. Love yourself big hug
maij x
Hey everyone,
Wanted to give you a little update.
I had a mental breakdown the other day after getting into a drunken arguement with my partner and not being able to leave it...
I feel like divorce is my only option now.... Because it's easier than getting better with any type of mental health help.... Like I'm genuinely curious and know surface level that someone else would be so much better and easier to live with... Like they would solve all my problems, they wouldn't have any mental health problems to deal with and they could just look after me, I could be the one with mental health problems...
I'm always a black and white thinker and deserve better than someone who would commit this crime, has cheated online before and didnt address his mental health problems... But I don't acknowledge my role is his behaviour... I shamed him for a lot of thinking, he was never good enough and I was always mistreating him for something... Cause after all, if he was a better person I wouldn't need to do all of the things I did...
He's getting help now and I feel like I just want to cry because he's getting help and I'm thinking about divorce because it's easier... I don't want to... He's my best friend... Not just my husband ... So not seeing his face everyday, even just once, not just sitting beside him breaks me , it causes me major depressive states...
I think I have borderline personality traits...
I've booked myself in with a therapist after a intro session today so yeah that's my life...
Wanted to give you a little update.
I had a mental breakdown the other day after getting into a drunken arguement with my partner and not being able to leave it...
I feel like divorce is my only option now.... Because it's easier than getting better with any type of mental health help.... Like I'm genuinely curious and know surface level that someone else would be so much better and easier to live with... Like they would solve all my problems, they wouldn't have any mental health problems to deal with and they could just look after me, I could be the one with mental health problems...
I'm always a black and white thinker and deserve better than someone who would commit this crime, has cheated online before and didnt address his mental health problems... But I don't acknowledge my role is his behaviour... I shamed him for a lot of thinking, he was never good enough and I was always mistreating him for something... Cause after all, if he was a better person I wouldn't need to do all of the things I did...
He's getting help now and I feel like I just want to cry because he's getting help and I'm thinking about divorce because it's easier... I don't want to... He's my best friend... Not just my husband ... So not seeing his face everyday, even just once, not just sitting beside him breaks me , it causes me major depressive states...
I think I have borderline personality traits...
I've booked myself in with a therapist after a intro session today so yeah that's my life...
Black hound I feel like I've written some for this post above. I'm thinking of getting back with my ex because hes such a good guy who always treated me right and deserves a life after all this crap, he's worked so hard on himself, I also feel terrible if I walk away and he's my best friend too. I feel your pain xx
Well done lady for admitting that, it's so difficult to admit these things.
Letting go of past pain and trusting again is life's most difficult decision... It's also not a decision that can be made in an instant, it's done through continuous work and change...
There's a part of me that wants a divorce. There's a part of me, even if it's small that doesn't. Am I scared to walk away, partly so... Am I scared of changing myself alongside my husband to see if things work out better ... Totally.
I've got no right answer... It horrific and painful !
Letting go of past pain and trusting again is life's most difficult decision... It's also not a decision that can be made in an instant, it's done through continuous work and change...
There's a part of me that wants a divorce. There's a part of me, even if it's small that doesn't. Am I scared to walk away, partly so... Am I scared of changing myself alongside my husband to see if things work out better ... Totally.
I've got no right answer... It horrific and painful !
I've been sitting in my front room for 2 hours this morning (my children are both still asleep) and I just keep bursting into tears. Yesterday for the first time I had begun to feel a bit angry with him. I wanted to go see him and ask him why he had to mess everything up and why he didn't value me as highly as I thought he did. Today, I just can't believe this is my life!
Dear BlackHound
I'm glad you are going to have therapy. I think I may follow your lead when I can possibly afford it. I think it would be beneficial for anyone in our situation. It was very brave of you to do the first session, it made me feel like...if you can, then so will I. So I'd like to say thank you. It's so difficult when you love them as the person they are and the friend you always wanted. My husband knows everything there is to know about me, good and bad and its not an exaggeration to say that he really is half of me and I just don't...work without him. Its killing me. I'm starting to worry that no matter what I do, have him back, move away and never see him again, that these feelings will never be at an end. I really hope you feel a bit more in control by being proactive and talking to a professional, well done you! Please don't feel guilty about thinking about divorce. There is so much guilt to go around and none of it is ours, not even a little bit. No matter what you said or made him feel, he could have got up and walked away at any point. There is absolutely no responsibility attached to anyone but the men that chose to do what they did. That's all on him. If you ever feel like his now getting help isn't enough, you are well entitled to those feelings and need no justification for leaving if that is what you want to do. His mental health and happiness isn't your responsibility. In marriage it is something you are supposed to do together, that's not always possible when 1 partner does something so abhorrent to the other. That is not your fault! Please let that line of thinking go, you are innocent of any of this. Look after yourself x
There was another lady that commented on this thread but I'm sorry, i can't see the name now I am typing. Hello. You sound exactly the same as me also. I hope you manage to find something, even small, to be positive or dare I say...happy about this weekend. I've sat here and decided that I will try to find happiness in some things this weekend. If the sun shines I will smile and if I manage to get a warm croissant from the bakery I will be happy. Take care of yourself.
Sending big hugs and comfort
Annamarie
Dear BlackHound
I'm glad you are going to have therapy. I think I may follow your lead when I can possibly afford it. I think it would be beneficial for anyone in our situation. It was very brave of you to do the first session, it made me feel like...if you can, then so will I. So I'd like to say thank you. It's so difficult when you love them as the person they are and the friend you always wanted. My husband knows everything there is to know about me, good and bad and its not an exaggeration to say that he really is half of me and I just don't...work without him. Its killing me. I'm starting to worry that no matter what I do, have him back, move away and never see him again, that these feelings will never be at an end. I really hope you feel a bit more in control by being proactive and talking to a professional, well done you! Please don't feel guilty about thinking about divorce. There is so much guilt to go around and none of it is ours, not even a little bit. No matter what you said or made him feel, he could have got up and walked away at any point. There is absolutely no responsibility attached to anyone but the men that chose to do what they did. That's all on him. If you ever feel like his now getting help isn't enough, you are well entitled to those feelings and need no justification for leaving if that is what you want to do. His mental health and happiness isn't your responsibility. In marriage it is something you are supposed to do together, that's not always possible when 1 partner does something so abhorrent to the other. That is not your fault! Please let that line of thinking go, you are innocent of any of this. Look after yourself x
There was another lady that commented on this thread but I'm sorry, i can't see the name now I am typing. Hello. You sound exactly the same as me also. I hope you manage to find something, even small, to be positive or dare I say...happy about this weekend. I've sat here and decided that I will try to find happiness in some things this weekend. If the sun shines I will smile and if I manage to get a warm croissant from the bakery I will be happy. Take care of yourself.
Sending big hugs and comfort
Annamarie
Oh Anna, I am so sorry that you're going through this... Do you feel any lighter crying and letting it all out? It is so difficult isn't it to contemplate that this is your life....
I would highly recommend therapy with a StopSo therapist... For me, I am also hoping to work on myself and my issues and not just the investigation... I can guarantee you, if I can do it you can too so take that first step and try to make An appointment (finances providing)... I think it would be easier If I just loved my partner, it makes it worse that they are our best friends... That they have been through everything with us and are out best friend... I have learned though that shared trauma is not something that should mean you stay....
I do feel like sometimes their mental health is something that we are burdened with ... But they do have a choice to do this... I find it so difficult because my husband is Nuerodivergent, meaning his brain doesn't function the way a normal person does.... And the waiting to get help for it sucks...
I am not sure about you but I get so jealous of other people moving on, growing and being happy, not having this level of difficulty in their life....
Wen it's good, it's good but when it's bad it really sucks...
I would highly recommend therapy with a StopSo therapist... For me, I am also hoping to work on myself and my issues and not just the investigation... I can guarantee you, if I can do it you can too so take that first step and try to make An appointment (finances providing)... I think it would be easier If I just loved my partner, it makes it worse that they are our best friends... That they have been through everything with us and are out best friend... I have learned though that shared trauma is not something that should mean you stay....
I do feel like sometimes their mental health is something that we are burdened with ... But they do have a choice to do this... I find it so difficult because my husband is Nuerodivergent, meaning his brain doesn't function the way a normal person does.... And the waiting to get help for it sucks...
I am not sure about you but I get so jealous of other people moving on, growing and being happy, not having this level of difficulty in their life....
Wen it's good, it's good but when it's bad it really sucks...
Hi Blackhound
I feel your pain, I am going through a divorce at the moment, I think that whether you decide to stay or go it isn't easy. There were trust issue so felt that I couldn't stay but I'm finding it hard, we were together for 30years and at 50 I am starting my life over again.
It has been a year since I found the memory stick and my current life was destroyed, we should have been enjoying our golden years. I felt that if I had stayed we would resent it other and blame each other about him losing his job, not going to family celebrations, if it got into the press etc. I don't know what the future holds have been getting very upset and down these last two months and like you would probably not carry on if it wasn't for my daughter.
I feel empty no emotions just surviving not living, just taking every day as it comes, should I have stayed not sure think that it would be miserable either way. I just wish I could turn the clock back, I don't t know how he could of destroyed our life how he didn't think we were enough, why he couldn't talk to me about this addiction.
I don't think that I could trust anyone again but don't know if I can forge a life on my own, pathetic really. The evidence has gone to the CPS just waiting to hear from the oic to see about court date, hoping that I will find out about what was on the memory stick so I can get closure, hope it helps.
bereft
x
I feel your pain, I am going through a divorce at the moment, I think that whether you decide to stay or go it isn't easy. There were trust issue so felt that I couldn't stay but I'm finding it hard, we were together for 30years and at 50 I am starting my life over again.
It has been a year since I found the memory stick and my current life was destroyed, we should have been enjoying our golden years. I felt that if I had stayed we would resent it other and blame each other about him losing his job, not going to family celebrations, if it got into the press etc. I don't know what the future holds have been getting very upset and down these last two months and like you would probably not carry on if it wasn't for my daughter.
I feel empty no emotions just surviving not living, just taking every day as it comes, should I have stayed not sure think that it would be miserable either way. I just wish I could turn the clock back, I don't t know how he could of destroyed our life how he didn't think we were enough, why he couldn't talk to me about this addiction.
I don't think that I could trust anyone again but don't know if I can forge a life on my own, pathetic really. The evidence has gone to the CPS just waiting to hear from the oic to see about court date, hoping that I will find out about what was on the memory stick so I can get closure, hope it helps.
bereft
x