Family and Friends Forum

Bethlou, I am in a very similar situation to you. Husband arrested week before Christmas and is in next week to see Police. I am dreading next Tuesday and am thinking of going uncontactable on that day. We are weirdly doing really well as a threesome (my boys and I) but with every week anniversary I always find my mood dipping, that we have had another week of this rubbish to deal with. All the big events that have happened over the past few months haven't helped too.



We should be so proud of ourselves though and 99% of the time i am amaxed at how strong I have been, but then those times come when it all feels rubbish

Well done ladies, it's not easy, not at any stage of this horrible journey!

I'm a year next week down the road and court has don't their job and he's now in prison, I think he's at a local one that only has sex offenders in it so hopefully he won't get too tough a time although why I care I don't know!

I've still got the divorce to go, we're still arguing over the financial settlement!! In fact we're sure back in court for it in May but I've asked my solicitor to make him a significantly lower offer although more than he wants to give me just because I never actually want to see him ever again and it's just so stressful!!

I am still finding it tough but don't really know why, my local wellbeing clinic have said I can have more counselling, through relate this time just to try and help me move forward.

Still haven't found a local sorry group although I'm actually meeting someone on Saturday that had been through similar to me so I'm perversely excited about it, finally someone who will understand!!

I found after the interview that your husband's are about to go through, it took about a month for the CPS to decide if they were going to prosecute then another 3 months before he ended up in crown court, obviously my husband pleased NG to start, if yours go guilty then it should be quicker.

Good luck ladies, you're doing great xx

Ok, slightly freaking out now as my partner not heard anything. Police not getting back to us and no idea what is happening. We have had letter saying we can pick up some of our equipment (not all that was taken) but that it is. Something must be happening for them to know to give us that equipment back. I am presuming they didn’t search the stuff they are returning. I read the report on the Met police (not that we are under them) which was published other day and there I found out that they make a decision not to search everything as it would take too long. There was one device that they can’t have searched which they returned as they didn’t ask us for passcode and they could t have got in without passcode.

i am in slightly diff position as pretty sure any indecent images on partners devices come from over 18 websites and think that is all - no cat a or b. Of course could be lying but don’t think I am being naive in saying I believe him. So think our case will rumble on and on.

It’s a tough game to be in and not one any of us would want to join! All of you, us ..should be able to hold our heads up high. What a community. Big Sigh, I try to keep up with everyone’s story but yours seems very similar to mine. Hope everything works out for you.

Jaded - I’ve missed you! It’s just been hard these last few weeks. Dealing with SS is crippling. My partners therapist has advised we make no comment to anyone on what he is accused of, inc SS as we either look like we are minimising it or he is admitting it. And they have no qualifications in this field anyway. Very strange week the other week - therapist (expert in this field ) says to me what he has done is not very serious, just stupid. Next day I am told by a different professional ( not an expert in this field but person who wields control over our life due to this crap) that what he has done is very serious. Literally don’t know whether I am coming or going

This thread has come at a really perfect time. After celebrating how well me and my children are doing on Mother’s Day, asking everyone to recognise what Super Women they are, I totally crashed yesterday.

i had a stressful morning at work from which I had to rush to a meeting with my children’s social worker, headteacher and ex - no time for lunch. Meeting for almost hour and half on which it is acknowledged that my eldest is not really expressing how he is feeling to others - certainly not to the social worker. It is something I have worried about as so concerned that his emotions will suddenly come out when he is mich older and may be more damaging. So this conversation happens: headteacher - you have a dog don’t you? Me - no, why? Headteacher - have you got one you can borrow? Me - erm, no, why? Headteacher - I think of you went walking with a dog with your eldest he might then start to talk more to you about how he is feeling! Me - I cannot cope with any more than I have, I barely have time to manage life now (whilst thinking ffs - like I need anything else thrown into the mix!)...and p.s: I am a single parent to TWO children - where do you suggest my youngest would go????? Came away feeling like poop because they clearly think I can’t manage the emotional needs of my children, rushed home to do dinner whilst ex visited too, made lunches, served and cleared from dinner and then rushed out for swimming, rushed back, washing load on etc and then children to bed before starting more work for my job!!! Went to bed at 1. Couldn’t sleep. Fell asleep bout half 2 and then up at 7 to start the cycle of not being good enough again!!! I know this will pass again but I am just so pissed off at the moment. Today was another crazy day at work and I have just had enough!

Rosa - so sorry to hear you’ve hit a low. We are all on such a huge emotional rollercoaster, it’s a wonder we’re able to get through each day, let alone be moving forward, being great mums, coping with SS, schools, the police, and everything we’re having to cope with.

I heard from my ex (first time I’ve called him that) that he’s got to go back for a police interview on 18th - just under two months since he was first arrested. His solicitor seems to think he will go to court in the summer.

I saw my counsellor for the first time yesterday (she helped me loads a few years ago). It helped me so much. Today I feel strangely calm and somehow freer. I feel like I’m free of a 14 year relationship that was based on lies and deceit. Even though I feel heartbroken, I can now live a life based on truth. Not sure if that makes sense but that’s how it feels today.

Positive hugs to you all.

J x

Nice to know I’ve been missed Big Sigh and Bethlou! I’ve not gone anywhere, I read all the posts but sometimes despair at how the current climate allows us to be bullied by society. I’m hopeful that one day we can defend ourselves properly and stop accepting the rhetoric and hysterical approach to this subject. It’s bad enough that the public react in this way let alone so called professionals. I’m telling you I used to make very serious decisions about people’s lives and I had no training! As you probably know I’m not a great fan of the police, I accept they are in a horrible position with the majority of offenders but they don’t half pay it on thick in some cases. They will always think the very worst of people, it’s an institutional way of thinking. God forbid if you or your partner are ever involved in this. They are fine provided you accept you are a victim in all this, start asking them searching questions though or challenging their narrative and you are treated terribly, I lost my career over it. I was an ‘insider’ I know how they operate. It’s often not a conscious decision by them, it’s in their DNA. I thought I knew it all about this offence, I knew nothing. I do now! Love to you all x

Bethlou sorry you feel you’re treated with suspicion. I completely understand that. I appreciate all that your partner is going through but I especially feel that innocent partners are treated terribly. We are almost brainwashed into thinking our place is hiding in the shadows of society, it’s wrong, so wrong. On my good days I’m bloody proud of myself. For standing up for what I believe in, despite all the pressures, I’m still going. Most days though I fall into the trap of feeling worthless, of deserving all the crap that comes my way, of thinking I’m a bit weird for thinking the way I do. Then I remember that I am my worst enemy when I get like that. I pull myself out of that hole and think F@@@ them! I am a good person, I wouldn’t harm anyone let alone a child!

Bethlou, never apologise for being a lovely, caring person. It takes an incredible amount of courage to stand up to the pressure. Caring isn’t accepting the offending. Have a great weekend with your daughter x

Hi ladies,

I totally get what you mean about feeling worthless. I shared my situation with my closest friend this week and it's the best thing I've done. She reminded me that supporting my partner isn't being weak; the "easy" thing would be to cut all ties and run away, and it takes strength to stay. Not that I feel very strong today. The past 24 hours have been really hard, and I've felt the lowest I've been since this started. More lies are coming out of the woodwork - nothing illegal, but definitely signs that my partner needs some help. We've had some brutally honest conversations and, quite frankly, I feel exhausted by everything.

My friend (who I was terrified of judging me) surprising me so much in her support. Today I received some flowers from her with a poem by Rupi Kaur, that I wanted to share with you all for anyone who needs this today:

This is the recipe of life

Said my mother

As she held me in her arms as I wept

Think of those flowers your plant

In the garden each year

They will teach you

That people too

Must wilt

Fall

Root

Rise

In order to bloom.

What a good poem to read. It's very true. I think over time things get easier, I remember the tears, dispear and feelings of worthlessness. My partners case was over fairly quickly which im grateful for. I too had to face the lies and secrets (not illegal stuff), but at rock bottem he was able to tell me it all, no more secrets and no more deception. He took responsibility for his actions and continues to explore what went wrong and why. We are stronger, more open and I cannot believe what we have been through and how far we have come. It's not over but everything is starting to be rebuilt and life returning to some kind of normality. The bad days are few are far between, I still feel slightly nervous of things going wrong and feel the weight of the shame and worry. But we have got through so much, we have the support of friends and family and I feel like the future might be good again. It takes huge strength whether you choice to stay with a partner or leave, I'm glad I made my choice to stay and I'm glad I have kept my sanity through this unimaginably crazy and difficult time and I hope we are able to move on and have the life i thought we would have together as a family.

Thanks for the poem Jayne G - am in floods of tears reading it. Funnily enough I am dealing with a whole unrelated issue today and this poem is very poignant around the situation. X

Glad the poem has helped, ladies. If it helps any more, my friend actually put a quote in with the poem, which is equally poignant;

"What's the greatest lesson a woman should learn? That since day one, she's already had everything she needs within herself. It's the world that convinced her she did not"

Also from Rupi Kaur. I think I know whose work I'll be looking up to read more of later.