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Hello everyone
I posted on here back in March when we got the knock. I haven't commented much on the forum but believe me I don't know where I would be without you all.
Just had everything churned up again, I'm sat here shaking and crying and alone.
The police have just knocked again. My husband was given a simple caution back in March 2021 he was dropped off home and we were told that the incident was done and dusted and we wouldn't hear from them again (exact words) now obviously things have not been a bed of roses it has been the worst year of my life. I haven't forgiven and I certainly don't understand or condone anything he did (one conversation only no images no arrange to meet). He's an idiot and I hate him for what he has put me and the family through. However we have remained together more as friends than anything else.
The knock today was to inform us (he was at work I WFH) that he needs to be on the SOR, I think that's what they said. It was an error on their part and it should have been done at time of caution but they messed up! He only has to do until next March.
I have no idea what this will mean I'm back in a huge state of panic, guilt, regret PTSD.
Can anyone give me any advice? Words of wisdom? Anything will help. I have 2 children. One over 18 and one over 16. The police today have said there will be no need for SS to get involved but can i trust anything they say (they were very nice and seemed genuine). My children are boys and communication was with a girl. I don't know if that makes a difference.
hope some of you can help me. I have so much respect for all of you strong women because we are the ones always to pick up the pieces. Thank you all for being there for me over the last year even though you probably didn't know how much you helped me. Xx
I posted on here back in March when we got the knock. I haven't commented much on the forum but believe me I don't know where I would be without you all.
Just had everything churned up again, I'm sat here shaking and crying and alone.
The police have just knocked again. My husband was given a simple caution back in March 2021 he was dropped off home and we were told that the incident was done and dusted and we wouldn't hear from them again (exact words) now obviously things have not been a bed of roses it has been the worst year of my life. I haven't forgiven and I certainly don't understand or condone anything he did (one conversation only no images no arrange to meet). He's an idiot and I hate him for what he has put me and the family through. However we have remained together more as friends than anything else.
The knock today was to inform us (he was at work I WFH) that he needs to be on the SOR, I think that's what they said. It was an error on their part and it should have been done at time of caution but they messed up! He only has to do until next March.
I have no idea what this will mean I'm back in a huge state of panic, guilt, regret PTSD.
Can anyone give me any advice? Words of wisdom? Anything will help. I have 2 children. One over 18 and one over 16. The police today have said there will be no need for SS to get involved but can i trust anything they say (they were very nice and seemed genuine). My children are boys and communication was with a girl. I don't know if that makes a difference.
hope some of you can help me. I have so much respect for all of you strong women because we are the ones always to pick up the pieces. Thank you all for being there for me over the last year even though you probably didn't know how much you helped me. Xx
A caution means that he has to be on the SOR for two years, from the date of the caution.
If you have a look on the Unlock website, you should find all the information you need. I'm afraid I can't help with Children's Services involvement but I'm sure some of the other lovely people here will be able to help.
Hugs to you and try not to get too upset. The time on the SOR will soon pass. Xxx
If you have a look on the Unlock website, you should find all the information you need. I'm afraid I can't help with Children's Services involvement but I'm sure some of the other lovely people here will be able to help.
Hugs to you and try not to get too upset. The time on the SOR will soon pass. Xxx
How frustrating for you to find out the police messed up. I recommend your partner goes to the neart police station asap to sign on (typically they have three days from notice to do so). Check on unlock.org for the details he will need to provide. From memory it will be things like all bank account details, passport details, addresses he will have access to for more than seven days in a year.
He should get a copy of the requirements but overall the restrictions are not too bad compared to a SHPO.
In regards to your children, SS are unlikely to be concerned by the 18 year old. I'm not sure on their viewr of 16 year olds. My partner is allowed contact to over 16s through the SHPO.
He should get a copy of the requirements but overall the restrictions are not too bad compared to a SHPO.
In regards to your children, SS are unlikely to be concerned by the 18 year old. I'm not sure on their viewr of 16 year olds. My partner is allowed contact to over 16s through the SHPO.
Thank you Majestic
The police that came today said absolutely no rush to get to police station, give them a call and come in when we can. They have said that I can also attend so I will be going too, I got no info at the time, they wouldn't even tell me why he had been arrested, they then dropped him and all devices back the same day - told me he had been an idiot but that we wouldn't hear anything more, so this has come as a real kick in the guts!
xx
The police that came today said absolutely no rush to get to police station, give them a call and come in when we can. They have said that I can also attend so I will be going too, I got no info at the time, they wouldn't even tell me why he had been arrested, they then dropped him and all devices back the same day - told me he had been an idiot but that we wouldn't hear anything more, so this has come as a real kick in the guts!
xx
Thank you anothermum
That is what I thought, but by them adding the word "simple" in front of it I wondered if that was different - especially with what we were told at the time, just a shock to get this news 11 months after arrest. It never goes away does it :(
xx
That is what I thought, but by them adding the word "simple" in front of it I wondered if that was different - especially with what we were told at the time, just a shock to get this news 11 months after arrest. It never goes away does it :(
xx
Um this all sounds a bit "fishy" to me almost a year on and the police are saying he needs to be put on SOR, after recieving a caution and he only has a year to do.
the SOR for caution is 2 years, there are restrictions with regards to children etc , staying out/over where there are children, yes all those details are needed.
how are they going to document this SOR - date of signatues etc because almost a year has gone and he hasn't been monitored which is what the police do when you ate on the SOR . Um! Feel uneasy about this
maij
the SOR for caution is 2 years, there are restrictions with regards to children etc , staying out/over where there are children, yes all those details are needed.
how are they going to document this SOR - date of signatues etc because almost a year has gone and he hasn't been monitored which is what the police do when you ate on the SOR . Um! Feel uneasy about this
maij
Maij
not sure what you mean. He was given a simple caution on day of arrest. The police have been today and talked directly to me to tell me that they have messed up and he should have been on SOR. They have explicitly told me nothing else has come to light but is was an admin error on their part. It's been a very hard day.
not sure what you mean. He was given a simple caution on day of arrest. The police have been today and talked directly to me to tell me that they have messed up and he should have been on SOR. They have explicitly told me nothing else has come to light but is was an admin error on their part. It's been a very hard day.
I don't understand why they didn't sort out the SOR at the time. It's quite clear that even a caution requires registration within 3 days at an appropriate police station and they really should have known and said that at the time. I must admit, despite the police saying to you that there is no rush, I'd sort it ASAP as breach of SOR conditions means you can be arrested. Big hugs to you and hope it all gets sorted without any problems xx
They're probably a bit embarrassed that they messed it up!!!
They're probably a bit embarrassed that they messed it up!!!
Lee
Thank you. The police that came today apologised profusely to me saying that they were at fault here. My husband only has 13 months left to be on the SOR as they were at fault for not following through with it so he's basically already done 11 months. I'm so very worried about what will come next, but police also verified his version of events so at least I know he's been truthful with me. They have also assured me that nothing else has come to light before or after the arrest. Doesn't stop me having a panic attack everytime someone comes to the door though.
xx
Thank you. The police that came today apologised profusely to me saying that they were at fault here. My husband only has 13 months left to be on the SOR as they were at fault for not following through with it so he's basically already done 11 months. I'm so very worried about what will come next, but police also verified his version of events so at least I know he's been truthful with me. They have also assured me that nothing else has come to light before or after the arrest. Doesn't stop me having a panic attack everytime someone comes to the door though.
xx
I'm just thinking if they got that wrong , what else did they get wrong .
Lee why is your husbands case still open if hes been sentenced, I dont get it?
maij x
Lee why is your husbands case still open if hes been sentenced, I dont get it?
maij x
Anothermum
They were absolutely lovely to be honest which I know is rare. Apparently we weren't the only ones that this has happened to. Hubby will be calling tomorrow to make an appointment he doesn't want to leave it too long
xx
They were absolutely lovely to be honest which I know is rare. Apparently we weren't the only ones that this has happened to. Hubby will be calling tomorrow to make an appointment he doesn't want to leave it too long
xx
Maij
The whole system is wrong in my eyes (I know that is controversial but it was something I had thought even before my hubby was arrested) he needs punishing for his actions no doubt but the catastrophic effects it has had on my life and my family seems very unfair because he did a very stupid thing. We have tried to rebuild our life over the past year. He has done counselling, courses, and a lot of looking in the mirror. He lost his job and has been studying and rebuilding his career. We have been working on building back up the trust, understanding, and friendship and it's been very hard. Today the police have turned my world upside down again because of their error and you are so right it makes you wonder what else they get so wrong!
xx
The whole system is wrong in my eyes (I know that is controversial but it was something I had thought even before my hubby was arrested) he needs punishing for his actions no doubt but the catastrophic effects it has had on my life and my family seems very unfair because he did a very stupid thing. We have tried to rebuild our life over the past year. He has done counselling, courses, and a lot of looking in the mirror. He lost his job and has been studying and rebuilding his career. We have been working on building back up the trust, understanding, and friendship and it's been very hard. Today the police have turned my world upside down again because of their error and you are so right it makes you wonder what else they get so wrong!
xx
Oh dear I feel for you both. I can count ourselves lucky ( if thats the right word) to know that my sons was straight forward, caution , SOR for 2 years, regular 2-3 monthly input from police. He too doing counselling , inform plus course etc . To think that We would have a re-visit from them to stir it up from the begining is terrible.
I do hope you both can get it sorted soon
mx
I do hope you both can get it sorted soon
mx
Hello Highlyanxious
Oh dear, this is shocking for you.
As others have said a caution requires someone to be on the SOR for two years. Once a sentence has been passed a person is legally required to present information about their passport, driving licence, all sole or joint bank accounts, credit cards and any and all online addresses including social media , whether the accounts are in one's own name or any other name you use to operate accounts.They will also require passwords for these accounts.As others have also said the SOR comes with conditions that you need to be aware of. Okay, you have older boys, but do the boys have any female friends or cousins under 16/18? Do you go to gatherings of family or friends at which children are present?
Offenders are required to present information within three days of sentence and I do not think it is okay for the Police to now say your husband can turn up at his leisure. Nor is it okay for the Police to say you can come along too ! In fact I think the first thing your husband should be doing is to contact a solicitor for advice before either of you have anymore discussions with the Police, no matter how charming they might appear. I think you need to be absolutely sure of your ground before this goes any further.
Sending best wishes you manage to overcome this setback.
Oh dear, this is shocking for you.
As others have said a caution requires someone to be on the SOR for two years. Once a sentence has been passed a person is legally required to present information about their passport, driving licence, all sole or joint bank accounts, credit cards and any and all online addresses including social media , whether the accounts are in one's own name or any other name you use to operate accounts.They will also require passwords for these accounts.As others have also said the SOR comes with conditions that you need to be aware of. Okay, you have older boys, but do the boys have any female friends or cousins under 16/18? Do you go to gatherings of family or friends at which children are present?
Offenders are required to present information within three days of sentence and I do not think it is okay for the Police to now say your husband can turn up at his leisure. Nor is it okay for the Police to say you can come along too ! In fact I think the first thing your husband should be doing is to contact a solicitor for advice before either of you have anymore discussions with the Police, no matter how charming they might appear. I think you need to be absolutely sure of your ground before this goes any further.
Sending best wishes you manage to overcome this setback.
Judith
Well said I support you advice about a solicitor, because this all sounds wrong to me. Its sounds like police being nice to appease so you don't make a fuss to cover their mistakes. You may be naive in thinking you are doing what is asked of you and law abiding because you are good people but at the same time unknowingly may be putting yourself in a vulnerable position.
what ever you decide I wish you well
maij x
Well said I support you advice about a solicitor, because this all sounds wrong to me. Its sounds like police being nice to appease so you don't make a fuss to cover their mistakes. You may be naive in thinking you are doing what is asked of you and law abiding because you are good people but at the same time unknowingly may be putting yourself in a vulnerable position.
what ever you decide I wish you well
maij x
Thank you so much all! You'd honestly think that police would know he needed to be on the SOR wouldn't you! It wasn't just one involved either! My boys both have girlfriends. Both over 16, both sons have been involved and included from day one so they know. I never allow a situation where hubby is around them (nor would he want to be not for any other reason than a feeling of guilt for what he has done) he politely says hello how are you and that is the only involvement that he has with them and he would never be alone with them. I have taken lots of preventative measures myself. I've already cut myself off from anyone who has children that I don't want to tell, my family are aware of what has happened. The police said today only need to inform if overnight stay, but all those that need to know, do know.
Judith I understand what you are saying about the solicitor but he just wants to accept his punishment and do what he needs to do. He is too ashamed of what he has done to fight it, from everything I have been told he was full disclosure from day one. He didn't have a solicitor during his interview either and wasn't offered a phone call. All in all a very big mess. He would have probably thought harder at the time if he had been informed he needed to go on the SOR, but we were both told when he was dropped off a simple caution is like a slap on the wrist and it was done and dusted and we wouldn't be hearing from the police again. How wrong they were!
The support on here has got me through today thank you all so much xxxx
Judith I understand what you are saying about the solicitor but he just wants to accept his punishment and do what he needs to do. He is too ashamed of what he has done to fight it, from everything I have been told he was full disclosure from day one. He didn't have a solicitor during his interview either and wasn't offered a phone call. All in all a very big mess. He would have probably thought harder at the time if he had been informed he needed to go on the SOR, but we were both told when he was dropped off a simple caution is like a slap on the wrist and it was done and dusted and we wouldn't be hearing from the police again. How wrong they were!
The support on here has got me through today thank you all so much xxxx
Will do Lee. He is calling them first thing in the morning. Do you have any suggestions of who we could ring for advice or would it be a case of looking for a solicitor for legal advice? Thank you for your support.
oh just one thing they did say, if he doesn't agree to the SOR they will take him to court (so that scared me) xx
oh just one thing they did say, if he doesn't agree to the SOR they will take him to court (so that scared me) xx
Hi Anxious
A general criminal solicitor is probably okay since your husband has already been sentenced by caution. Have a look online for your local area. Your husband had no need to feel ashamed. He has accepted he did a wrong thing and believe me solicitors have heard it all before! I really would advise you to get advice so your mind can be put at rest that everything is now in order and there won't be anymore nasty surprises.
Just seen Lee's post. Yes, Unlock might be able to give some advice.
A general criminal solicitor is probably okay since your husband has already been sentenced by caution. Have a look online for your local area. Your husband had no need to feel ashamed. He has accepted he did a wrong thing and believe me solicitors have heard it all before! I really would advise you to get advice so your mind can be put at rest that everything is now in order and there won't be anymore nasty surprises.
Just seen Lee's post. Yes, Unlock might be able to give some advice.
The offences that result in someone being required to sign the SOR are set in law. So the police are correct in that if he refuses to sign it they will take him to court for failing to notify. I'm surprised that his solicitor didn't pick up on it at the time. It must be a huge shock to come out of the blue like this.
I would definitely contact the unlock helpline. They would be able to answer any questions about being on the SOR and what that means etc.
It would be best for him to go to the station ASAP, in normal circumstances you have 3 days, so they may start counting those 3 days from when they informed you and if he doesn't sign in that time consider him failing to notify. On all but one occasion my husband has never left the reception area of the station, they give you a form and you fill it in. The only time he spoke to anyone was when he moved areas. So, you could go with him if you wanted to.
I would definitely contact the unlock helpline. They would be able to answer any questions about being on the SOR and what that means etc.
It would be best for him to go to the station ASAP, in normal circumstances you have 3 days, so they may start counting those 3 days from when they informed you and if he doesn't sign in that time consider him failing to notify. On all but one occasion my husband has never left the reception area of the station, they give you a form and you fill it in. The only time he spoke to anyone was when he moved areas. So, you could go with him if you wanted to.
If he dosen't agree to go on SOR, he will be taken to court!!!? Is that right ? I thought that if you do not accept caution you are taken to court.
If you agree and accept the caution , thats an admission of guilt so they automatically make the decision to put you on the SOR and you have to sign and accept conditions. Which they failed to do. Once charged isn't the case closed ? Their mess up has caused confusion and unecessary stress for you.
maij
If you agree and accept the caution , thats an admission of guilt so they automatically make the decision to put you on the SOR and you have to sign and accept conditions. Which they failed to do. Once charged isn't the case closed ? Their mess up has caused confusion and unecessary stress for you.
maij
Mjl73
The reason his solicitor didn't pick up on it was because he didn't have one! I wasn't there so I don't know for sure but I don't think he was offered either a phone call or solicitor. He was sold this idea of a simple caution and you're on your way. The police expressly told me that the 3 day rule doesn't count in these circumstances due to it being their error, but they have said I can attend with him to have a chat and talk about what he did? It's all so very odd. I've never seen anything like this before on here so it's thrown me for a loop! I just want it over and done with in respect of involvement from the police like they promised the day they dropped him home. Not saying it is something I will ever forget or forgive.
xx
The reason his solicitor didn't pick up on it was because he didn't have one! I wasn't there so I don't know for sure but I don't think he was offered either a phone call or solicitor. He was sold this idea of a simple caution and you're on your way. The police expressly told me that the 3 day rule doesn't count in these circumstances due to it being their error, but they have said I can attend with him to have a chat and talk about what he did? It's all so very odd. I've never seen anything like this before on here so it's thrown me for a loop! I just want it over and done with in respect of involvement from the police like they promised the day they dropped him home. Not saying it is something I will ever forget or forgive.
xx
Hi Lee
yestersay they told me they would not be doing any home visits, all he needs to do is pop down tomorrow (now have an appointment to go) and inform them if any bank or phone details change. I guess we will find out more tomorrow. I was in a state of shock yesterday whilst they were here, dealing with it on my own. I'm now reluctant to take their word for anything. Feel like I'm back at square one today. Struggling to function. Thank you for being a rock.
xx
yestersay they told me they would not be doing any home visits, all he needs to do is pop down tomorrow (now have an appointment to go) and inform them if any bank or phone details change. I guess we will find out more tomorrow. I was in a state of shock yesterday whilst they were here, dealing with it on my own. I'm now reluctant to take their word for anything. Feel like I'm back at square one today. Struggling to function. Thank you for being a rock.
xx
Hi
its all very strange and , forgive me I am only a lay person , speaking from experience with my son. This seems out of protocol and completely mismanaged by them.
When my son was offered a caution over the phone, he accepted had to attend police station within 3 days with all necessary documentation and sign for SOR, with restrictions. As Lee states there is a required level of monitoring by the visor team every 3-4 months the police just arrive in plain clothes to speak with him , all very nice, they ask how hes getting on, etc to ensure hes on the right track. I welcome this .
I just feel uncomfortable, that this situation as in some respects the police have failed your husband in that they haven't supported him enough. Even though it intrusive the monitoring it is necessary and helps towards preventing relapse surely, they haven't done their job properly.
to spring that on you now some 11 months on is unacceptable, can they do that, please seek advice. Are they back dating documentation ? Are you signing a back dated document ? So that it looks like you was aware of the SOR then and not 11 months down the line ?? Just be careful and seek advice. As much as the police are in authority individuals can and will try to make it look like they have followed protocol when they have not.
maij x
its all very strange and , forgive me I am only a lay person , speaking from experience with my son. This seems out of protocol and completely mismanaged by them.
When my son was offered a caution over the phone, he accepted had to attend police station within 3 days with all necessary documentation and sign for SOR, with restrictions. As Lee states there is a required level of monitoring by the visor team every 3-4 months the police just arrive in plain clothes to speak with him , all very nice, they ask how hes getting on, etc to ensure hes on the right track. I welcome this .
I just feel uncomfortable, that this situation as in some respects the police have failed your husband in that they haven't supported him enough. Even though it intrusive the monitoring it is necessary and helps towards preventing relapse surely, they haven't done their job properly.
to spring that on you now some 11 months on is unacceptable, can they do that, please seek advice. Are they back dating documentation ? Are you signing a back dated document ? So that it looks like you was aware of the SOR then and not 11 months down the line ?? Just be careful and seek advice. As much as the police are in authority individuals can and will try to make it look like they have followed protocol when they have not.
maij x
Maij
I personally would have welcomed this from the start. We had no support no idea how to continue with our lives, nothing. I'll admit that part of my decision to stay was based on at least he's not on the SOR.
The police are welcome to visit anytime in my eyes. I think this whole thing has been a huge wake up call for him and there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't punish himself for his actions. I don't think he would ever repeat his actions but if he were to, I would want it picking up. I have to say he has been an exceptional husband and father for 20 years prior to this and his actions were so far out of character. Again not making excuses or condoning.
I've just spoken to unlock who weren't as helpful as last time I must say. The chap I spoke to asked why I was getting involved it's not my crime, he did also say that these sorts of crimes are being too harsly punished and police and court time is consumed by these types of offences currently. He said just to go to appointment and sign the SOR. No further advice given.
thank you for all of your advice, it really does mean a lot and is helping me during these tough times.
xx
I personally would have welcomed this from the start. We had no support no idea how to continue with our lives, nothing. I'll admit that part of my decision to stay was based on at least he's not on the SOR.
The police are welcome to visit anytime in my eyes. I think this whole thing has been a huge wake up call for him and there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't punish himself for his actions. I don't think he would ever repeat his actions but if he were to, I would want it picking up. I have to say he has been an exceptional husband and father for 20 years prior to this and his actions were so far out of character. Again not making excuses or condoning.
I've just spoken to unlock who weren't as helpful as last time I must say. The chap I spoke to asked why I was getting involved it's not my crime, he did also say that these sorts of crimes are being too harsly punished and police and court time is consumed by these types of offences currently. He said just to go to appointment and sign the SOR. No further advice given.
thank you for all of your advice, it really does mean a lot and is helping me during these tough times.
xx