Told my sisters - now its all out of my hands
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So I told my sisters what has happened, and it feels like my heart has broken all over again.
Whilst one has been supportive and spoke to me and said it would never affect our relationship. And whilst she doesn't understand while we are still under the same roof, she appreciates that it is hard, although has said she is never able to forgive it. She thinks he should have or be leaving the house sooner rather than later for the sake of the family.
My other sister has not taken it well. She won't speak to me and is lashing out at the rest of the family that have been supportive. She has stopped my parents, who I told shortly after the knock, that they will no longer see her children if they support him. And she still won't speak to me as she feels like us being under the same roof is condoning his behaviour. She has also said that I will not be allowed to see her children either. She said she will cut out everyone who stands by us.
I have always said to my partner that regardless of what happens I will stand by him through this, as I understand the lonely place this is, and that thos is also what I want to do. I wanted to do this in my own time and work through what I needed to. However now my hands are being forced and I am having to chose between him and my family. He has said he would never want to split the family up, so would leave. We are only 6 weeks into this and I can already see the positive change in him. We are closer than we have been in years. I hadn't decided whether to stay or leave and was going to wait until he was charged or had further info. And now I can't. He has to leave and I am not prepared for this to end just yet.
I have told my parents and the supportive sister that I am sticking by him through the case. I have respected their thoughts and opinions on the matter, and that they should respect mine and the whole thing will just be something we never speak about to save conflict. Although this will mean losing the other sister.
I feel like I'm right back at the start.
Whilst one has been supportive and spoke to me and said it would never affect our relationship. And whilst she doesn't understand while we are still under the same roof, she appreciates that it is hard, although has said she is never able to forgive it. She thinks he should have or be leaving the house sooner rather than later for the sake of the family.
My other sister has not taken it well. She won't speak to me and is lashing out at the rest of the family that have been supportive. She has stopped my parents, who I told shortly after the knock, that they will no longer see her children if they support him. And she still won't speak to me as she feels like us being under the same roof is condoning his behaviour. She has also said that I will not be allowed to see her children either. She said she will cut out everyone who stands by us.
I have always said to my partner that regardless of what happens I will stand by him through this, as I understand the lonely place this is, and that thos is also what I want to do. I wanted to do this in my own time and work through what I needed to. However now my hands are being forced and I am having to chose between him and my family. He has said he would never want to split the family up, so would leave. We are only 6 weeks into this and I can already see the positive change in him. We are closer than we have been in years. I hadn't decided whether to stay or leave and was going to wait until he was charged or had further info. And now I can't. He has to leave and I am not prepared for this to end just yet.
I have told my parents and the supportive sister that I am sticking by him through the case. I have respected their thoughts and opinions on the matter, and that they should respect mine and the whole thing will just be something we never speak about to save conflict. Although this will mean losing the other sister.
I feel like I'm right back at the start.
Hi Lost258,
I'm so sorry that telling family has not gone as well as you had hoped, but it is really positive that your parents and one sister are supportive. As for your other sister, I can imagine her reaction is devastating for you but hopefully she will calm in time. Six weeks is still very early and I recall for many months, both families - mine and my partners parents being at war with their emotions. It is probably the biggest moral confliction we all face, and provokes strong reactions but things do settle. Hopefully, in a couple of weeks your sister will be more understanding to your position.
In the meantime, fall on those who support you. Any choices you make should be yours and yours alone. Sending big hugs. X
I'm so sorry that telling family has not gone as well as you had hoped, but it is really positive that your parents and one sister are supportive. As for your other sister, I can imagine her reaction is devastating for you but hopefully she will calm in time. Six weeks is still very early and I recall for many months, both families - mine and my partners parents being at war with their emotions. It is probably the biggest moral confliction we all face, and provokes strong reactions but things do settle. Hopefully, in a couple of weeks your sister will be more understanding to your position.
In the meantime, fall on those who support you. Any choices you make should be yours and yours alone. Sending big hugs. X
Hi
I would agree with Orchid. You, and your husband, are still in the very early days of a long and uncertain journey. Your sister may or may not come around but hopefully she , like other family members, will realise she is not being asked to condone anything, only to offer you her love and support.
My husband is due to be sentenced in a couple of weeks, 15 months after the knock. He has hurt me very deeply and there have been some very difficult times. But I have seen a genuine shift in his attitudes and behaviour and believe there is more honesty and respect between us than for many years. I'm not saying sticking it out is right for everyone, just to give yourselves some time and make decisions when you feel less pressured.
Take care.
I would agree with Orchid. You, and your husband, are still in the very early days of a long and uncertain journey. Your sister may or may not come around but hopefully she , like other family members, will realise she is not being asked to condone anything, only to offer you her love and support.
My husband is due to be sentenced in a couple of weeks, 15 months after the knock. He has hurt me very deeply and there have been some very difficult times. But I have seen a genuine shift in his attitudes and behaviour and believe there is more honesty and respect between us than for many years. I'm not saying sticking it out is right for everyone, just to give yourselves some time and make decisions when you feel less pressured.
Take care.
Hi Lost258
I'm sorry that you are now in another awful situation. I wish I had some advice to help you resolve it but I don't.
Just make sure to take care of yourself, you are the only person that can do that. Make time for yourself, it will help you stay strong.
Sending hope that things get better x
I'm sorry that you are now in another awful situation. I wish I had some advice to help you resolve it but I don't.
Just make sure to take care of yourself, you are the only person that can do that. Make time for yourself, it will help you stay strong.
Sending hope that things get better x
I would just echo what someone else said. It feels devastating at the time getting those reactions from people, but I've already had some backtrack and realise that contrary to what they thought when they were in shock, they do not want to let his actions affect my relationship with them. I think people struggle mostly with the stigma, they find it so horrifying that they think its easier to not associate themselves with it at all.
You were brave telling them before charges etc, we decided not to tell people until we knew the outcome, but by that time some of them had learned from the media anyway, and looking back that wasn't the best way of doing it...
You were brave telling them before charges etc, we decided not to tell people until we knew the outcome, but by that time some of them had learned from the media anyway, and looking back that wasn't the best way of doing it...
Hey lost
I told a few people when it first happened. Some people I thought were close friends, that turned out not to be. I told all my family. My brother took it the hardest. He had very tunel vision. I gave him time and space. Your sister is probably worried for you and upset and isn't showing it in the right way. Give her time? Give her the stop it now number. There's a very good leaflet on here about why these things happen. My brother calmed down after a few months. I set up a meeting for them to have an honest and frank chat. They are no way back to how things were and never will be but things are better.
I know this is hard at a time when you need support, unfortunately people need time. We are here for you.
much love xx
I told a few people when it first happened. Some people I thought were close friends, that turned out not to be. I told all my family. My brother took it the hardest. He had very tunel vision. I gave him time and space. Your sister is probably worried for you and upset and isn't showing it in the right way. Give her time? Give her the stop it now number. There's a very good leaflet on here about why these things happen. My brother calmed down after a few months. I set up a meeting for them to have an honest and frank chat. They are no way back to how things were and never will be but things are better.
I know this is hard at a time when you need support, unfortunately people need time. We are here for you.
much love xx
Hi. My 3 Sisters were ok until one of their daughters told them to chose. Us or them. They chose them. That was 3 years ago. We still are all apart but honestly i have learnt more about myself. And i KNOW i am a nicer person than they will ever be. Of course i still think of them. My nephew got married yesterday and yes i am back on here for support. But my hubby is so good now we are very happy. if your hubby is your love then you will get through it. One day at a time. Xx
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My son shared with his gf and she has turned against my partner and does not even seem to want him spoken about in her presence. I'm worried that she will turn our son against him too, due to the way he was reacting when we last met, but maybe it's because she was there and he is, like me, trying to do the same mental gymnastics about this is a horrible crime but he is not necessarily a horrible person. I'm thinking he is maybe having the same ambivalent feelings about his dad as I am, so I need to let him work through it like I am having to do.
The whole thing is grim for families
The whole thing is grim for families