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Hi Quand,
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here, the first few weeks are horrific and your whole world really is turned upside down. It does get better or manageable may be a better word! Try not to think too much about everything and about what is going to happen/worry about it as it's quite a long process. Have you got support or are you choosing not to tell anyone? You can always find support here and any questions you have there will always be someone to help point you in the right direction. There are many fabulous Mums just like yourself who are on this journey and will be able to support you.
Lots of love and hugs xx
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here, the first few weeks are horrific and your whole world really is turned upside down. It does get better or manageable may be a better word! Try not to think too much about everything and about what is going to happen/worry about it as it's quite a long process. Have you got support or are you choosing not to tell anyone? You can always find support here and any questions you have there will always be someone to help point you in the right direction. There are many fabulous Mums just like yourself who are on this journey and will be able to support you.
Lots of love and hugs xx
Hi Quand
Sorry you find yourself here but the support you receive is so helpful
I am also a mum to my offending son but we are 20 months in and he is on remand waiting for sentencing
Try and call the helpline also it may take a bit of time to get through but worthwhile
The first few weeks you will feel so many emotions but try to get through one day at a time and be kind to yourself
Keep coming on here as already said there are a few other mums going through the same and can offer more support
Hugs sent x
Sorry you find yourself here but the support you receive is so helpful
I am also a mum to my offending son but we are 20 months in and he is on remand waiting for sentencing
Try and call the helpline also it may take a bit of time to get through but worthwhile
The first few weeks you will feel so many emotions but try to get through one day at a time and be kind to yourself
Keep coming on here as already said there are a few other mums going through the same and can offer more support
Hugs sent x
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Oh Quand, If only I could give you a hug....., as the girls have said the beginning of this journey is truly horrendous for everyone.
Try not to take it all on board at once, everything you are now feeling we've all been there and understand what pain you are feeling right now... biggest hug possible sent x from a mum and grandma x
Try not to take it all on board at once, everything you are now feeling we've all been there and understand what pain you are feeling right now... biggest hug possible sent x from a mum and grandma x
Quand
It would be really beneficial for your son to get a therapist when my son was under investigation his therapist was a godsend
I am walking this journey with my son I by no means condone what he has done he got so lost in all this and it was his secret to keep until we received the knock and our world came apart and we are left to pick up the pieces
I worry so much for him and what his future will be like he has lost so much and it's a long journey ahead
Just wanted to send you a heartfelt hug and let you know you are not alone we are here for you xx
It would be really beneficial for your son to get a therapist when my son was under investigation his therapist was a godsend
I am walking this journey with my son I by no means condone what he has done he got so lost in all this and it was his secret to keep until we received the knock and our world came apart and we are left to pick up the pieces
I worry so much for him and what his future will be like he has lost so much and it's a long journey ahead
Just wanted to send you a heartfelt hug and let you know you are not alone we are here for you xx
Hi Quand
First of all my thoughts are with you, my son committed and offence too received a caution, he was 23 at the time . We have been on this journey 13 months. Its devastating and frightening at the time of finding out, in particular, I feel for you all.
How old is your son, please seek help and advice from the LFF helpline and us too. You and your son will need support.
Give it time things will soon settle. Uou don't know about whether he will receive a custodial , try not to think too far ahead . What has he been charge with?
big hug
maij x
First of all my thoughts are with you, my son committed and offence too received a caution, he was 23 at the time . We have been on this journey 13 months. Its devastating and frightening at the time of finding out, in particular, I feel for you all.
How old is your son, please seek help and advice from the LFF helpline and us too. You and your son will need support.
Give it time things will soon settle. Uou don't know about whether he will receive a custodial , try not to think too far ahead . What has he been charge with?
big hug
maij x
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Bless you, my heart really goes out to you. You may have been told all sorts by the Police/Social services as at this stage everyone is guilty before they're innocent and there is a hugely negative narrative about what will happen which tends to come from those services but that isn't always the case. I'm not sure exactly what your son has been accused of and how that's come about - please don't feel a need to share if you don't feel comfortable doing so but there are different avenues to go down for different offences to try and help both your son and also when it's time to face the law. It's so normal to be besides yourself and I hope you've got some breathing space from your normal daily activities to allow yourself to let it out. Xx
Hi Quand
After reading your post I felt the need to reply to you. I am truely sorry that you find yourself here, in the same position as many mums on this forum.
We have a young member of our family who has high functioning autism and who pleaded guilty to possessing IIOC's at Youth Court.
Whilst we were on this journey I spent some time looking into how being on the autistic spectrum can make this group of individuals more vulnerable to accessing IIOC's on the internet. For example in our situation the young member of our family had no friends at school and choose to connect with the internet to find some friends in chatrooms and managed to get into a terrible mess very quickly by going completely down the wrong path.........
If you feel that your son's autism may have contributed to all of this you may find the book titled 'the Autism Spectrum, Sexuality and the Law' an interesting read. The authors are Tony Attwood, Isabelle Henault and Nick Dubin. This book helped us to try and make sense of the situation we found ourselves in and how being on the spectrum could have signifcantly contributed to this behaviour.
If you don't mind me asking how old is your son? Does he have any services/support in place because of his autism. If he does, hopefully they will be able to support you all through the process you now find yourselves in.
I hope the information I have provided has not been too overwhelming and if I can offer any help based on our experience I will do my best.
After reading your post I felt the need to reply to you. I am truely sorry that you find yourself here, in the same position as many mums on this forum.
We have a young member of our family who has high functioning autism and who pleaded guilty to possessing IIOC's at Youth Court.
Whilst we were on this journey I spent some time looking into how being on the autistic spectrum can make this group of individuals more vulnerable to accessing IIOC's on the internet. For example in our situation the young member of our family had no friends at school and choose to connect with the internet to find some friends in chatrooms and managed to get into a terrible mess very quickly by going completely down the wrong path.........
If you feel that your son's autism may have contributed to all of this you may find the book titled 'the Autism Spectrum, Sexuality and the Law' an interesting read. The authors are Tony Attwood, Isabelle Henault and Nick Dubin. This book helped us to try and make sense of the situation we found ourselves in and how being on the spectrum could have signifcantly contributed to this behaviour.
If you don't mind me asking how old is your son? Does he have any services/support in place because of his autism. If he does, hopefully they will be able to support you all through the process you now find yourselves in.
I hope the information I have provided has not been too overwhelming and if I can offer any help based on our experience I will do my best.
Hi Quand,
As everyone else has said, I'm so sorry that you find yourself here and send you the biggest hugs.
It is a very hard journey but survivable. Make sure that you and your son get the support you need. As well as Stop it Now and Stopso, you could also contact Safer Lives - as well as a course for your son, they offer support for the family. Talk to your doctor if need be as well.
Lee1969 made a post listing organisations that offer support but I can't remember what it was called - perhaps she could bump it for you?
It leaves you numb at first, but things do eventually settle into a new pattern - just get as much help as you can to help this.
As everyone else has said, I'm so sorry that you find yourself here and send you the biggest hugs.
It is a very hard journey but survivable. Make sure that you and your son get the support you need. As well as Stop it Now and Stopso, you could also contact Safer Lives - as well as a course for your son, they offer support for the family. Talk to your doctor if need be as well.
Lee1969 made a post listing organisations that offer support but I can't remember what it was called - perhaps she could bump it for you?
It leaves you numb at first, but things do eventually settle into a new pattern - just get as much help as you can to help this.
Quand
It's called some help at long last I just bumped it up shared by Lee1969 xx
It's called some help at long last I just bumped it up shared by Lee1969 xx
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Hi Quand
Are you saying that your son currently has no services/support from any agencies for his autism? If he is not receiving any support can you remember how long ago he last had support and who was it from?
Are you saying that your son currently has no services/support from any agencies for his autism? If he is not receiving any support can you remember how long ago he last had support and who was it from?
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Hi Quand, am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I also have a son that is under investigation, what you have wrote about your son is exactly like how my son got into this nightmare . We are a few months in since the knock and dreading the next stage. Please give the phone line a call as I found it so useful in the weeks after the knock.
Yep my lad too... he got sucked into this world locked away in his bedroom....
Hi Quand
Sorry for asking so many questions, just wanting to help if I can.
If your son got diagnosed 3-4 years ago (and you saying it is a long story) hopefully you have a diagnosis letter/paperwork as you will probably need to submit this to your solicitor/police to confirm his diagnosis, if case is submitted to CPS. Can the organisation who diagnosed him, help in anyway now?
As you say it's a long story so I am reading between the lines and hopefully not speaking out of turn but if he went undiagnosed for so long I am assuming that he may have had a bumpy/difficult time at school and growing up or maybe suffered with anxiety perhaps? I am purely basing this on our experience as another member of our family did not get diagnosed until he was in his late teens and he suffered many difficult years at school and growing up. I hope I haven't spoken of turn, just trying to understand your situation.
Sorry for asking so many questions, just wanting to help if I can.
If your son got diagnosed 3-4 years ago (and you saying it is a long story) hopefully you have a diagnosis letter/paperwork as you will probably need to submit this to your solicitor/police to confirm his diagnosis, if case is submitted to CPS. Can the organisation who diagnosed him, help in anyway now?
As you say it's a long story so I am reading between the lines and hopefully not speaking out of turn but if he went undiagnosed for so long I am assuming that he may have had a bumpy/difficult time at school and growing up or maybe suffered with anxiety perhaps? I am purely basing this on our experience as another member of our family did not get diagnosed until he was in his late teens and he suffered many difficult years at school and growing up. I hope I haven't spoken of turn, just trying to understand your situation.
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Quand, sorry to hear of your situation and indeed that your son has been unsuccessful in accessing appropriate services. Autism is now being diagnosed more and more frequently but resources remain inadequate in most areas.
I don't know where in the country you stay. We are in Scotland and have a process called Adult Support and Protection which is a multi agency process. It is hosted by Social Work but includes health, police and any other relevant agency (such as autism support ) and the individual must meet the definition of: being at risk of harm, having a mental or physical health condition and because they have such a condition they are less able to protect their own interests. In this case your son may be at risk of criminal prosecution with all the ramifications of that. He may also be at risk of a mental health crisis due to his situation.
We have considered a number of young adults with autism who, because they lack social and emotional understanding have gotten themselves into difficulties online or with relationships. Whilst your son is under investigation as a suspected perpetrator of an offence I would suggest he could also be viewed as a vulnerable adult in need of support .
I would suggest you speak with Social Work about making a referral for an adult support and protection investigation. It may be called adult safeguarding if you are in England or Wales.
I really wish you and your family all the best in difficult times.
I don't know where in the country you stay. We are in Scotland and have a process called Adult Support and Protection which is a multi agency process. It is hosted by Social Work but includes health, police and any other relevant agency (such as autism support ) and the individual must meet the definition of: being at risk of harm, having a mental or physical health condition and because they have such a condition they are less able to protect their own interests. In this case your son may be at risk of criminal prosecution with all the ramifications of that. He may also be at risk of a mental health crisis due to his situation.
We have considered a number of young adults with autism who, because they lack social and emotional understanding have gotten themselves into difficulties online or with relationships. Whilst your son is under investigation as a suspected perpetrator of an offence I would suggest he could also be viewed as a vulnerable adult in need of support .
I would suggest you speak with Social Work about making a referral for an adult support and protection investigation. It may be called adult safeguarding if you are in England or Wales.
I really wish you and your family all the best in difficult times.
Hello Quand
Thanks for your quick reply. I am pleased your GP has a formal diagnosis letter as this may be needed at some stage. It sounds like all of your son's experiences that you describe should be documented as these are all very likely to be mitigating factors in his case. I am truely sorry all these awful things have happened to him whilst growing up.
If you haven't already please go and see your GP. They should be able to help you and your son seek the right support.
I will post again later this evening or tomorrow (at the latest) with a list of helplines/charities that may be able to help you and your son.
Thanks for your quick reply. I am pleased your GP has a formal diagnosis letter as this may be needed at some stage. It sounds like all of your son's experiences that you describe should be documented as these are all very likely to be mitigating factors in his case. I am truely sorry all these awful things have happened to him whilst growing up.
If you haven't already please go and see your GP. They should be able to help you and your son seek the right support.
I will post again later this evening or tomorrow (at the latest) with a list of helplines/charities that may be able to help you and your son.
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Hi Quand
On this forum many members recommend contacting Lucy Faithfull Foundation and StopSo, which would be good to do, when you feel able to. The young person in our family did the Young Person Inform Course with LFF and I would highly recommend if your son is able to engage with them.
The following charities may also be good for you to have a look at the information they have on their website and maybe contact them when you feel ready to do so, if you feel they may be able to help you at whatever stage you are at in this long process:-
Rethink
Mind
Both of these charities are mental health charities and they also have lots of information regarding the police, police interviews, appropriate adults, courts etc. We found the information they had very informative at different stages of the process.
The National Autistic Society (NAS) may also have useful information on their website for you to look at. Unfortunately their telephone helpline closed in June of last year.
I am also thinking of additional support for you. If your son can not manage without your help/support with daily living skills due to his autism and/or anxiety you would be classed as his carer (as well as parent). It may be of help to you to look at Carers UK website if you think this applies to you.
With all these national charities, Rethink, Mind, NAS and Carers UK will very likely have local branches near to you. When you are able to it may be good to contact them as they will be best placed to give you advice as to local support that may be available. Because of the sensitive nature of the situation we find ourselves in , I made contact with some local charities anonymously and still received good advice/support.
I hope this information is of some use to you, if not at this moment in time, sometime in the future.
Thinking of you, your son and family.
On this forum many members recommend contacting Lucy Faithfull Foundation and StopSo, which would be good to do, when you feel able to. The young person in our family did the Young Person Inform Course with LFF and I would highly recommend if your son is able to engage with them.
The following charities may also be good for you to have a look at the information they have on their website and maybe contact them when you feel ready to do so, if you feel they may be able to help you at whatever stage you are at in this long process:-
Rethink
Mind
Both of these charities are mental health charities and they also have lots of information regarding the police, police interviews, appropriate adults, courts etc. We found the information they had very informative at different stages of the process.
The National Autistic Society (NAS) may also have useful information on their website for you to look at. Unfortunately their telephone helpline closed in June of last year.
I am also thinking of additional support for you. If your son can not manage without your help/support with daily living skills due to his autism and/or anxiety you would be classed as his carer (as well as parent). It may be of help to you to look at Carers UK website if you think this applies to you.
With all these national charities, Rethink, Mind, NAS and Carers UK will very likely have local branches near to you. When you are able to it may be good to contact them as they will be best placed to give you advice as to local support that may be available. Because of the sensitive nature of the situation we find ourselves in , I made contact with some local charities anonymously and still received good advice/support.
I hope this information is of some use to you, if not at this moment in time, sometime in the future.
Thinking of you, your son and family.
Quand I'm so sorry you have joined us here but the early days are the worst and please believe me when I say there are better days ahead,
I know this might sound abit strange to say but for us it has been a blessing in disguise if you know what I mean, when we got the knock he said he felt a weight lifted off his shoulders, even tho he is in prison he is much happier (mental health wise) it's just such a shame there is such a stigma attached. Sending you all lots of love and you will realise you are stronger than you ever thought xxx
I know this might sound abit strange to say but for us it has been a blessing in disguise if you know what I mean, when we got the knock he said he felt a weight lifted off his shoulders, even tho he is in prison he is much happier (mental health wise) it's just such a shame there is such a stigma attached. Sending you all lots of love and you will realise you are stronger than you ever thought xxx
Hi Quand
I hope you and your son are coping as well as you can in the circumstances, the early days are particularly difficult as you are trying to process and make sense what has happened.
I have just thought of another service that may be able to help your son and you, which I believe is available nationally on the NHS - it is called 'Single Point of Access'. The single point of access (SPA) is a team of clinicians who review your emotional and mental health concerns and help establish the best way to support you. Your GP will definitely know about the service or it's equivalent.
I hope you have managed to seek some support over the last few days. Take care of yourself.
I hope you and your son are coping as well as you can in the circumstances, the early days are particularly difficult as you are trying to process and make sense what has happened.
I have just thought of another service that may be able to help your son and you, which I believe is available nationally on the NHS - it is called 'Single Point of Access'. The single point of access (SPA) is a team of clinicians who review your emotional and mental health concerns and help establish the best way to support you. Your GP will definitely know about the service or it's equivalent.
I hope you have managed to seek some support over the last few days. Take care of yourself.