Family and Friends Forum

Hi Esme

I'm not in a similar situation , it was my son and he received a caution, none custodial, but I wanted to give you some support.

I can't give you any advice as to whether you should talk to him or not because that's your decision and you must do exactly what is right for you, there's no right or wrong in this.

I suppose you need to ask yourself a few questions before making a decision about what to do. What has he done for rehabilitation, how remorseful do you think he is, what plans has/will he put in place when he comes out to prevent this from happening again etc etc to address his behaviour.

how old is your brother and what offence did he commit ? Sentence. What family/friend support does he have coming out ? If any.



I'm sure there are lots of ladies that can help you, those that have their loved ones in prison as we speak and those who have received them back home.

What I would say in my opinion, is that individuals are more likely to rehabilitate and change their behaviour if they have love and support to help them. By doing so you are not condoning what he's done, but helping him and helping prevent child abuse.

My guess is that you feel uneasy about not speaking to him/ him contacting you . Is this influenced by what you think others may think of you if you support him. I know it's different it's my son, but I will always support him and help him on this journey. He has shown huge committment to address his behaviour and is truly remorseful. He can't be punished for the rest of his life can he? When does he stop being punished ? I remember my son of 23 absolutely sobbing saying , "i have to carry this burden for the rest of my life" I suppose it is s burden but its how that is carried, we as love ones have to carry this too.

the important thing is to carry it not as a burden, that is viewed as a heavy load and difficult , but it must be carried as a vehicle for change and supporting those that it affects the most, victims, offenders, families and loved ones llke us. By doing this , I feel, helps towards breaking the cycle and doing positive things towards prevention, which lightens that load , helping offenders and families move forward positively.


I wish you and your brother all the very best.
maij x

Hi esme, have you anyone supporting you? I'm walking this alone right now, but talking openly to mental. Health nurse, gp and counsellor can help you process things honey you sound so confused. Or ring the stop it helpline when you're ready? Also maij that reply was amazing it wasn't my post but I got a lot out of that x

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Thank you newlady and I glad I was able to help you too. That's what it's all about on here isn't it . I draw alot from other individuals replies. Sometimes it makes you think more about your self and how you deal with things.



Esme, there are many barriers to dealing with this offense . Embarrassment, shame, outside influences such as other family members, friends , its such a tabboo topic . I suppose we really need to understand the why's when, triggers etc . i would seek help from LFF they are great listeners and it may help you decide whether you will talk to your brother or not . I'm sure you love him dearly, its his behaviour that you/we don't like (that can change). Ask yourself, can you go through life never speaking with/seeing him again, would you not think about him and wander if hes okay? Etc etc Sometimes we need to have "hard talk" within the family to resolve things so they do not festure and cause uneccessary resentment . However if the hard talk results in you both going your separate ways as brother and sister at least you have tried .

what ever happens I wish you both well.
maij x

Well said Maij x

Hi Esme21

I am in a different situation but I can tell you what I have learnt from my experience and reading lots of these posts. It's not advice by any means but things that I see repeated on here again and again and I think are good things to take note of.

Don't rush anything. If you feel you can't see or interact with him, you are entitled to feel and act that way. That doesn't mean you will always feel that way but it where you are right now. If you aren't ready, you may be soon or even in a few months. Dont rush to say you never want to see him again nor rush to meet him straight away. Try to stay calm and rational, I know it's easier said than done. Also, do you have a family member that you can talk to to pass on the message to him? Just that you aren't ready yet but will let him know when you are? He might even be grateful that he hasn't got to face you just yet depending on how he had reacts to anything.

Please take care of yourself, this is an awful and devastating situation for all involved.

I hope that all makes sense and that you find something here that helps. All of these ladies know what they are talking about so you are in the right place x

Maij

What a lovely post so many true words said x

Esme you have to do what is right for you as others have said

I am walking this journey with my son and can see how this gives him some hope also xx