15 months.
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This started out as a rant but turned into somewhat of an open letter...
It's been 15 months and counting since the arrest. All for something that happened 3.5 years ago in the midst of undiagnosed depression, ADHD, anxiety and Autism...
Ridiculous doesn't even begin to describe how messed up our situation can be...
Being able to get on with our lives is not possible... You can't tell people that your partner can't moves jobs because they are under investigation... You can't say the reason they are still depressed is because they haven't been given an answer and they're too scared to change themselves because what if it doesn't work ?
You're scared to say to your friend about why Jeffery can't come home, that you've split up or are on a break...
The worst thing is, most of us want to advocate for a better outlook for this kind of crime... We want to say men should be rehabilitated and give a caution if the offence is a lesser one... We want to scream that not all men are monsters... We know this because we choose to understand how this kind of crime comes about... We know the effort people can go to change themselves...
But we can't say anything, because no one knows about this crime that's hidden away... And if they do, they walk away from you leaving you high, dry and lonely... You must be a monster for staying, you must have known ...
The strain it puts on the head of the household who has to ensure their kids are kept together, alone whilst their partner or child is left alone to their own devices...
The strain on the partners who have to try and keep a level head to ensure their partner doesn't kill themselves, addresses their problems because they've hidden their head in the sand for years... Even then it doesn't always work...
All because the guilt they admitted in the police station when being interviewed was not enough... The legal system gets a kick out of investigating the crime for years on end... Or they get paid in praise from the government for locking up and punshing thousands of monsters...
Well if they are all monsters, what does that say about the ability to chat with and acquire photos of children... Should you not spend that time taking down those images and not posing as children online...
The public likes to villify everyone that dares even admit these people had a problem and they just didn't know how to handle it, how to ask for help... So they dove head first into it... All the while spouting a load of toxic positivity to their friends about taking care of their mental health...
So dear public, you don't know what it's like to be us, to be the partner, the parents and the other victim of this crime no one talks about. You don't know what it's like for the men who were brought up on the philosophy of 'man up'... Who were entangled in their own toxic sexual relationship as a teenager with an older person and thought this was normal... Groomed or sexually assaulted as a child and never sought help because hey, we need just to man up and get on with things.
Punish them quickly and rehabilitate them long term. Give us the help we need and let us get on with our lives.
It's been 15 months and counting since the arrest. All for something that happened 3.5 years ago in the midst of undiagnosed depression, ADHD, anxiety and Autism...
Ridiculous doesn't even begin to describe how messed up our situation can be...
Being able to get on with our lives is not possible... You can't tell people that your partner can't moves jobs because they are under investigation... You can't say the reason they are still depressed is because they haven't been given an answer and they're too scared to change themselves because what if it doesn't work ?
You're scared to say to your friend about why Jeffery can't come home, that you've split up or are on a break...
The worst thing is, most of us want to advocate for a better outlook for this kind of crime... We want to say men should be rehabilitated and give a caution if the offence is a lesser one... We want to scream that not all men are monsters... We know this because we choose to understand how this kind of crime comes about... We know the effort people can go to change themselves...
But we can't say anything, because no one knows about this crime that's hidden away... And if they do, they walk away from you leaving you high, dry and lonely... You must be a monster for staying, you must have known ...
The strain it puts on the head of the household who has to ensure their kids are kept together, alone whilst their partner or child is left alone to their own devices...
The strain on the partners who have to try and keep a level head to ensure their partner doesn't kill themselves, addresses their problems because they've hidden their head in the sand for years... Even then it doesn't always work...
All because the guilt they admitted in the police station when being interviewed was not enough... The legal system gets a kick out of investigating the crime for years on end... Or they get paid in praise from the government for locking up and punshing thousands of monsters...
Well if they are all monsters, what does that say about the ability to chat with and acquire photos of children... Should you not spend that time taking down those images and not posing as children online...
The public likes to villify everyone that dares even admit these people had a problem and they just didn't know how to handle it, how to ask for help... So they dove head first into it... All the while spouting a load of toxic positivity to their friends about taking care of their mental health...
So dear public, you don't know what it's like to be us, to be the partner, the parents and the other victim of this crime no one talks about. You don't know what it's like for the men who were brought up on the philosophy of 'man up'... Who were entangled in their own toxic sexual relationship as a teenager with an older person and thought this was normal... Groomed or sexually assaulted as a child and never sought help because hey, we need just to man up and get on with things.
Punish them quickly and rehabilitate them long term. Give us the help we need and let us get on with our lives.
Hi blackhound,
How beautifully put, u hit every nail on the head, it's so much easier to judge when they don't see the whole picture xx sending u love and hugs xx
How beautifully put, u hit every nail on the head, it's so much easier to judge when they don't see the whole picture xx sending u love and hugs xx
Was a hard read. But very true......
Blackhound
Well said, unfortunately I don't think it's going to change any time soon. I never thought in a million years I be reading and writing on a forum, but here I am.
We are amazing strong strangers all looking out for each other wishing we could just meet, and yet we could live around the corner from each other. Such a hidden subject, scared of public reaction, when we want to shout their not monsters they really need help, just like any other addiction. Were all doing the best we can. Keep looking after you sending virtual hugs to all.
Anne x
Well said, unfortunately I don't think it's going to change any time soon. I never thought in a million years I be reading and writing on a forum, but here I am.
We are amazing strong strangers all looking out for each other wishing we could just meet, and yet we could live around the corner from each other. Such a hidden subject, scared of public reaction, when we want to shout their not monsters they really need help, just like any other addiction. Were all doing the best we can. Keep looking after you sending virtual hugs to all.
Anne x
It was a difficult topic but easy to say Smile... Difficult to read indeed.
Annamarie, I've just found a new article of someone who had over 3000 cat C images in the space if a few months... They were named and shamed in the local paper and on social media but there were only a tiny amount of comments...
Since we're dealing with about 100-200 from what my partner's told me and the worst being a cat B , I am hoping the sentence will be lenient and the papers will look the other way for better article...
The comments on the article were so 'pre-knock', what most of us would say about these people..
Now we know a lot better...
Annamarie, I've just found a new article of someone who had over 3000 cat C images in the space if a few months... They were named and shamed in the local paper and on social media but there were only a tiny amount of comments...
Since we're dealing with about 100-200 from what my partner's told me and the worst being a cat B , I am hoping the sentence will be lenient and the papers will look the other way for better article...
The comments on the article were so 'pre-knock', what most of us would say about these people..
Now we know a lot better...
Very well written and horribly true. Blackhound, I read that story in the local press so we must live in the same area x
Lola i think we might live in the same area yes, it's very specific case but very small ...
It's a shame we couldn't meet up if we live near the same area....
It's a shame we couldn't meet up if we live near the same area....
I was thinking the same..... Are you in the same village or wider area? I'm in a neighbouring village
Have you got Mumsnet Lola? I don't have it but willing to join if we can communicate on there and I can let you know where I live !
Black hound
So true x
It's an awful journey that we are all on
Sending hugs xx
So true x
It's an awful journey that we are all on
Sending hugs xx
I do but have been too scared to use it! I'm Bobsleigh1 if you want to message me.
Very well written, every word of it.. struggling to hold it together but I have no choice. Pull my big girls pants up and crack on - what has my life become!
Done Lola... Check your inbox !
Dear Blackhound
Yes, now we know better.
Isn't it ironic that I couldn't stand anything to do with sexualising any age under 18. No programmes about teens in school or college. No detective programmes that dealt with abuse. Not even movies or TV shows in which girls that look younger than they are would even flirt. Now here I am talking every day with someone being investigated for looking at these images. Justifying him to myself about how his struggle with depression led him here and me and our children with him.
I am heartened to read about the news article, fingers crossed we will both be lucky and they find something more interesting to write about instead of wrecking our lives.
Today my daughter and I travelled to an area we are looking at as a possible bolt hole if all goes wrong. It has made me feel more positive and in control. Whether we need to run or not, I feel like I have a choice. I can't put a value on that after feeling so helpless since the knock.
Your words touched me as well as many other people here. I hope you found some relief or clarity in expressing it. Maybe you should go into journalism and represent all of us.
Sending lots of comfort x
Yes, now we know better.
Isn't it ironic that I couldn't stand anything to do with sexualising any age under 18. No programmes about teens in school or college. No detective programmes that dealt with abuse. Not even movies or TV shows in which girls that look younger than they are would even flirt. Now here I am talking every day with someone being investigated for looking at these images. Justifying him to myself about how his struggle with depression led him here and me and our children with him.
I am heartened to read about the news article, fingers crossed we will both be lucky and they find something more interesting to write about instead of wrecking our lives.
Today my daughter and I travelled to an area we are looking at as a possible bolt hole if all goes wrong. It has made me feel more positive and in control. Whether we need to run or not, I feel like I have a choice. I can't put a value on that after feeling so helpless since the knock.
Your words touched me as well as many other people here. I hope you found some relief or clarity in expressing it. Maybe you should go into journalism and represent all of us.
Sending lots of comfort x
Hey Annamarie,
It can be quite ironic yes but one thing I would say, Justifying is (in my opinion) a defeatist way to look at it... I like to understand the events and circumstances be that lead up to my partner doing what he did... That doesn't justify his actions, he doesn't get a free pass... However, identifying the problems is a preventative measure, rehabilitation as it were to ensure that it never happens again... Alongside the upcoming punishment, whatever they decide...
I very much hope they do find something more positive to shout about in all papers ..
I hope that you and your daughter found something for yourselves if it does go wrong .. Choice is an amazing and empowering thing so good on you ...
I would love to have gone into journalism and at one point I could have... I would love to write an anonymous peice for a newspaper so that atleast one person reads it and potentially understands the flip side...
No one really talks about the dark side of depression, the dark side of undiagnosed Nuerodivergence or porn addiction (porn addiction is not applicable to our case but is very prevalent) ... We all slap on a smile and say 'Take a mental health day' or ' Crack on'.... There are serious ramifications that can happen and I just wish that instances like this were seen in a more understanding like...
If we can start to understand and shout about the steps before that can be taken before going down a dark path specifically for IIOC / addiction or Sexuality... We can try to help those who need it ....
Knowledge is power ...
It can be quite ironic yes but one thing I would say, Justifying is (in my opinion) a defeatist way to look at it... I like to understand the events and circumstances be that lead up to my partner doing what he did... That doesn't justify his actions, he doesn't get a free pass... However, identifying the problems is a preventative measure, rehabilitation as it were to ensure that it never happens again... Alongside the upcoming punishment, whatever they decide...
I very much hope they do find something more positive to shout about in all papers ..
I hope that you and your daughter found something for yourselves if it does go wrong .. Choice is an amazing and empowering thing so good on you ...
I would love to have gone into journalism and at one point I could have... I would love to write an anonymous peice for a newspaper so that atleast one person reads it and potentially understands the flip side...
No one really talks about the dark side of depression, the dark side of undiagnosed Nuerodivergence or porn addiction (porn addiction is not applicable to our case but is very prevalent) ... We all slap on a smile and say 'Take a mental health day' or ' Crack on'.... There are serious ramifications that can happen and I just wish that instances like this were seen in a more understanding like...
If we can start to understand and shout about the steps before that can be taken before going down a dark path specifically for IIOC / addiction or Sexuality... We can try to help those who need it ....
Knowledge is power ...
Hey Greenfly,
I haven't heard or seen much about your story. I hope that atleast you find yourself some comfort in this forum... You don't have to hold it together all the time, you're allowed to just take a crap day for yourself.. Sometimes the big girl pants just don't suffice...
I haven't heard or seen much about your story. I hope that atleast you find yourself some comfort in this forum... You don't have to hold it together all the time, you're allowed to just take a crap day for yourself.. Sometimes the big girl pants just don't suffice...
Blackhound
So beautifully put xx
So beautifully put xx
Hi blackhound
I couldn't of put it better my self I am currently sitting thinking I don't want to be here anymore but then I think of my children it's been the worst 2 years of my life and to top I'm off just been to court and just when I think I can't break anymore am completely in bits and don't want to carry on the shit hand I have been giving in life I just don't know what to do anymore.
I couldn't of put it better my self I am currently sitting thinking I don't want to be here anymore but then I think of my children it's been the worst 2 years of my life and to top I'm off just been to court and just when I think I can't break anymore am completely in bits and don't want to carry on the shit hand I have been giving in life I just don't know what to do anymore.
I don't consider my OH a monster. He's a good man who made a bad decision, years ago during the depth of depression. His remorse for this is evident for all to see. Yet people are not willing to allow these men to rehabilitate even though the very people charged are so desperate to do just that. Any other crime where the offender shows exceptional rehabilitation is rewarded with a pat on the back, a well done haven't they turned their life around!! But not this one. It sickens me the response I've had from so called friends who think it's acceptable to take to a social media platform, name me and my family and call and threaten us all on a regular basis. Your words touch a deep chord with me xx
Hope for the future
I'm so sorry you have experienced that from "friends". Whether people understand or not, you don't deserve any of it.
I truly hope you find real friends in the future or that you have a few that are nice.
Sending big hugs x
I'm so sorry you have experienced that from "friends". Whether people understand or not, you don't deserve any of it.
I truly hope you find real friends in the future or that you have a few that are nice.
Sending big hugs x
Keep going everyone... I truly respect and admire those who can stand tall against friends family and the public in the face of these crimes...
To the outside world...My husband just suffers from depression, has a Nuerodivergent brain and struggles with alcohol...
We have no children so nothing has changed for us... Only his parents, myself and an old friend of ours know... To whom the friend sadly hasn't spoken more than 2 words to me since I told them ...
It's their right to withdraw from this situation and process in time and decide how they want to react. What not okay is for the public to castrate a random person without knowing the full story behind it...
So I can spout all of this stuff but I've not had to face the real ramifications yet... Neither has my partner...
But, I am glad that my attitude on this and pessimism has created a post to which so many wonderful people can relate to <3 ...
If this helped or touched you then i am so happy that my words reached this page ...
Be strong everyone x
To the outside world...My husband just suffers from depression, has a Nuerodivergent brain and struggles with alcohol...
We have no children so nothing has changed for us... Only his parents, myself and an old friend of ours know... To whom the friend sadly hasn't spoken more than 2 words to me since I told them ...
It's their right to withdraw from this situation and process in time and decide how they want to react. What not okay is for the public to castrate a random person without knowing the full story behind it...
So I can spout all of this stuff but I've not had to face the real ramifications yet... Neither has my partner...
But, I am glad that my attitude on this and pessimism has created a post to which so many wonderful people can relate to <3 ...
If this helped or touched you then i am so happy that my words reached this page ...
Be strong everyone x
I will never ever forget what strangers said about my son on social media. Ok he did very wrong but he bloody didn't deserve those comments, he's no monster or animal.
It was the distorting of his face that got me, I really wish I'd never seen it :(.
i was heartbroken......
It was the distorting of his face that got me, I really wish I'd never seen it :(.
i was heartbroken......
Hey smile,
You might not be able to forget the physical wording but in team you'll forget what it meant to you and the feeling... These people are nobody to you or to your son... Their words and their thought mean nothing in the grans scheme of your world...
It's raw now, it won't be when you moved on in a few years...
Hang on in there x
You might not be able to forget the physical wording but in team you'll forget what it meant to you and the feeling... These people are nobody to you or to your son... Their words and their thought mean nothing in the grans scheme of your world...
It's raw now, it won't be when you moved on in a few years...
Hang on in there x
Thanks Blackhound for that. X
Yes very true people don't know what they are talking about, they read the bare facts which the media portray but don't see the whole picture of the person, the good theyve done in their life, background or give a damn if they need help.
In this journey there's lots of 'hurts'. It does makes you change into a better person - to understand how many others perhaps silently suffer with whatever is going on in their lives and not be judgemental .
Yes very true people don't know what they are talking about, they read the bare facts which the media portray but don't see the whole picture of the person, the good theyve done in their life, background or give a damn if they need help.
In this journey there's lots of 'hurts'. It does makes you change into a better person - to understand how many others perhaps silently suffer with whatever is going on in their lives and not be judgemental .
In this journey there's lots of 'hurts'. It does makes you change into a better person - to understand how many others perhaps silently suffer with whatever is going on in their lives and not be judgemental .
so very well said Smile, this situation is horrific but it does give me a grace period now where I really try not to judge others...
so very well said Smile, this situation is horrific but it does give me a grace period now where I really try not to judge others...