Social isolation
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Does anyone else struggle with the isolation? I suppose I have come through the other side of my husbands offensive and we are now dealing with the payback order and rebuilding our lives; I never realised how much of an affect it would have on everyday life - from things like finding new employment for him, to increase costs for car insurance, house insurance etc to childcare where he has been asked by nursery not to collect my child. The thing I struggle with is the unfairness of it, like I am being punished for something I never did; I had no idea what had been going on and when the police / social services eventually told me 24 hours after the arrest I have never been so shocked in my life, my world fell apart in that moment. For my own reasons although I did separate for a few months and relocate my little one and me; I decided to try and work through and rebuild our family but I am struggling with how to rebuild my life socially, I don’t know if anyone else is in the same situation where they have lost friends who they considered close friends who either supported you through the early stages of dealing with what has happened or made it clear that they couldn’t cope with what had happened and have ‘ended’ their friendship. I struggle with forming new friendships but never know how to deal with what my husband has done; I don’t want to broadcast what has happened and am still living in the same area therefore I want the minimum of people to know but it feels like a lie that your new friends don’t really know you or you have to ‘hide’ aspects of your past or ‘lie’ about things like if social services are over for a visit, or the police turning up for their checks; so when someone asks how was your weekend I don’t particularly want to say actually my Friday night was spent with the police checking my husbands electronics and then Sunday was spent with my children while he is at community payback. Following the birth of my newest little one I’ve recently been diagnosed with post natal depression and joined a local group on Facebook but have yet to go along to a meeting as I don’t know how to ‘share’ or if I want to due to the impact it could have; a few of the members have connections through the nursery etc. Is anyone else struggling with the social side and how are you getting through it?
It's very hard to get used to a new way of living, trying to work out how things will work and how to have a normal life. I feel like my freedom has been reduced, I've stepped back from social situations. Luckily I wasn't overly sociable before, in some ways I like the fact i have to say no if I'm invited out. Yes the feeling of living a lie takes some getting used to, and wherever I go someone seems to bring up the subject of sex offenders or similar, they have no idea what's going on in my life but for a split second I worry. My partner is hopefully moving back into family home soon so that kind of restricts me and life we need to find a new balance. I still socialise during the day and just don't mention my personal life in any way, just talk about the kids and family life as though it's normal. I put no pressure on myself to make new friends, you don't need to be best mates who know all about each others lives. My very close friends know and remain our best friends. Some days i feel really angry that I have been handed a sentence for a crime I had nothing to do with, it's something that will take time to move on from. Dont hide away and dont put so much pressure on yourself. Go along to the meeting, go to baby groups, get out and enjoy yourself, yes we have to keep a little secret but everyone does that for example no one chats with new friends about domestic violence, mental health, or any other issues in their lives. Go and chat about your kids and other things. For me i guess i divide friendships into different categories, family friends who know and we can all socialise together, mum friends who I socialise alone with and hardly talk about my personal life and I would never tell, and others who i talk to but assume im unsociable because i always so no to social events. Taking steps to resolve the post natal depression will hopefully help to make you feel better and more confident.
Hi Tink
I feel the same. Those friends that do know only know part of it but I feel I have to keep my head down as they may say things to people. I feel I cant be myself and I'm being judged by social services. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this otherwise the professionals would give us a sheet to follow. I had a stupid conversation with SS. They just want to hear the correct things never mind that I do know how to safeguard my children etc. There will always be a risk, not by my husband but by everything in the world. Crossing the road is a risk etc. Does that make me a bad parent? Sorry going off on one here lol x
I feel the same. Those friends that do know only know part of it but I feel I have to keep my head down as they may say things to people. I feel I cant be myself and I'm being judged by social services. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this otherwise the professionals would give us a sheet to follow. I had a stupid conversation with SS. They just want to hear the correct things never mind that I do know how to safeguard my children etc. There will always be a risk, not by my husband but by everything in the world. Crossing the road is a risk etc. Does that make me a bad parent? Sorry going off on one here lol x
Maria, can I ask, you say your partner is moving back. How did SS take it? Has his finished his sentence? Is he still on sex register?
Yes my partner is on the sex offenders register and has only recently been sentenced. His offence is a communication one not images. We have always been honest about wanting to remain a family, it's been a really difficult time and social services have been a nightmare at points. Since the start he has had access supervised by me and will remain supervised when living at home. Social services give no advice or help we have worked very hard to get to this point, I'm not going to get over excited until hes actually home. I've had to challenge social services a few times but have always done everything they have asked and more.
I do think sometimes it would be so helpful to be able to meet up with the other women in our shared situation. I have lost all contact with my grandchildren whom I saw regularly and it leaves a big hole in my heart and life. It’s hard to read of mums struggling with young children alone and I would love the opportunity of being able to help, without the assumption of guilt by association for deciding to stay with my partner. Even though we has absolutely no idea, and had our worlds turned upside down it does feel as though we women serve a sentence all of our own.
Tink, I'm over 4 years in and I still struggle everyday. I still get angry and frustrated as to why I have this massive burden to bear and he gets it so much easier!
I used to have friends, now I don't. My best friend who stuck with me during it all text me when she was drunk saying my life is too dramatic for her and its stressed her out and made her sick. It really annoyed me as I rarely spoke to her about it, her problem really was I couldn't drop everything to go drinking with her or take her places. I suffer anxiety so making friends isn't easy for me especially in my 30s!
When it comes to school I have to take the kids, pick them up, go to parents evening on my own etc and I hate it. I never got a lie in as I always had the kids yet he could sleep all day if he wanted. Until I started my voluntary work it was a long day every day in my own company. Even planning certain things is tough, some family members refuse to acknowledge his existence so I cant take him with me to places. It makes weddings, birthdays and funerals very difficult. I see everyone with their other half and I'm there like a little loner.
With your PND everything can be amplified, I speak from experience as I had it bad after my eldest, so you're going to feel it. Visit your doctor or health visitor whenever you need to. It's a horrid illness that feeds on your insecurities.
I used to have friends, now I don't. My best friend who stuck with me during it all text me when she was drunk saying my life is too dramatic for her and its stressed her out and made her sick. It really annoyed me as I rarely spoke to her about it, her problem really was I couldn't drop everything to go drinking with her or take her places. I suffer anxiety so making friends isn't easy for me especially in my 30s!
When it comes to school I have to take the kids, pick them up, go to parents evening on my own etc and I hate it. I never got a lie in as I always had the kids yet he could sleep all day if he wanted. Until I started my voluntary work it was a long day every day in my own company. Even planning certain things is tough, some family members refuse to acknowledge his existence so I cant take him with me to places. It makes weddings, birthdays and funerals very difficult. I see everyone with their other half and I'm there like a little loner.
With your PND everything can be amplified, I speak from experience as I had it bad after my eldest, so you're going to feel it. Visit your doctor or health visitor whenever you need to. It's a horrid illness that feeds on your insecurities.
Hi all,
i am completely with you all. Life has been completely hard this week. I am really struggling getting back to work and feel that my husbands offence is being used though not directly said. I really want to be back to my normal life to be earning money and not off sick. I am going to have to get the union involved. I truly feel very uncomfortable. I Know now I am going to ha r to look for another job but it feels bad when I wanted to go back to work but they are not accommodating me.
I also feel the stress sally as a single parent. Yes I have a mum who is lovely but she never asked to be a second parent to my daughter. I really don’t want to take advantage of her.
I had the knock on December so been off for four months and into the 5th one it’s still very raw.
I am not living with my husband we have separated. I will apply for a divorce soon as I think he and I can cope with that added stress. The relationship as it was has broken down but it’s so painful I can’t just move forward.
i am completely with you all. Life has been completely hard this week. I am really struggling getting back to work and feel that my husbands offence is being used though not directly said. I really want to be back to my normal life to be earning money and not off sick. I am going to have to get the union involved. I truly feel very uncomfortable. I Know now I am going to ha r to look for another job but it feels bad when I wanted to go back to work but they are not accommodating me.
I also feel the stress sally as a single parent. Yes I have a mum who is lovely but she never asked to be a second parent to my daughter. I really don’t want to take advantage of her.
I had the knock on December so been off for four months and into the 5th one it’s still very raw.
I am not living with my husband we have separated. I will apply for a divorce soon as I think he and I can cope with that added stress. The relationship as it was has broken down but it’s so painful I can’t just move forward.
Tink
my doctor has been so supportive and kind to me. She has to abide by the rules of professional conduct and confidentiality. She had been so helpful. Sally is right it might be worth going to speak to them about your feeling.
my doctor has been so supportive and kind to me. She has to abide by the rules of professional conduct and confidentiality. She had been so helpful. Sally is right it might be worth going to speak to them about your feeling.
My knock came around 7am on Friday 27th Sept 2018, when getting ready for school run, I answered the front door in my nightie with my 10 year old daughter behind me, wondering what on earth was happening. I thought it was some sort of joke. Since that time, our lives have changed beyond measure. I somehow got my daughter to school after they had arrested my husband whilst she ate her breakfast in the kitchen. I came home from school run to numerous forensics going through every cupboard, drawer and wardrobe in our house. The police officer left behind then told me of his charge and my life, as I knew it, fell apart. I thought they would take my daughter away from me - my first and I hope, only every brush with the law - I was so confused by his charge and it's ramifications. I complied with everything they asked and I must say, they were professional and kind. After some hours, my husband returned home and told me a fraction of what he wanted to tell, he was delusional and still lying to himself at that time. We all still reel from this. Very soon after this I had to tell my daughter that Daddy had done something very silly, that I was very cross with him and he was going to live at her Aunties. A few weeks later I then had to tell her this couldn't be fixed, Daddy would never live with us again and yes, we were getting divorced. She does not know he cannot legally live in our family house and have unsupervisered contact with her - I would hate her to figure this out.
Now Easter 2019 approaches. Still no news from the police and as desperate as I feel, I think of the images these men view, the lives these children, have to live. I find this really hard to separate as the majority of offenders have children of their own and that some are very unlikely to do anything against their own so why do view it on others. Their morals and values are so contorted it is so hard for partners to comprehend.
As the mother to a daughter that I love dearly and have watched her family life fall apart, social isolation is so hard. Not a conversation you strike up over coffee. Continual lying over why a 20 year relationship has ended so quickly. Losing your best friend at the drop of a hat. Not being able to answer "what did Daddy do that was so wrong".
What an utter pile of crap we are left to deal with...Sorry for my negatives, I will heal, I know I will and so will we all xx
Now Easter 2019 approaches. Still no news from the police and as desperate as I feel, I think of the images these men view, the lives these children, have to live. I find this really hard to separate as the majority of offenders have children of their own and that some are very unlikely to do anything against their own so why do view it on others. Their morals and values are so contorted it is so hard for partners to comprehend.
As the mother to a daughter that I love dearly and have watched her family life fall apart, social isolation is so hard. Not a conversation you strike up over coffee. Continual lying over why a 20 year relationship has ended so quickly. Losing your best friend at the drop of a hat. Not being able to answer "what did Daddy do that was so wrong".
What an utter pile of crap we are left to deal with...Sorry for my negatives, I will heal, I know I will and so will we all xx
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Hi everyone
I'm the same, social situations are really tough for me but I was a real people pleaser and found it so difficult to say no to anything, this situation has made me day no for my own sanity so that's a positive for me, one in an ocean of lies and deceit!
I'm also so so lucky as I've recently made contact with another lady going through the same, but different if you know what I mean. We meant and just hugged, it was like she knows and actually makes me tearful just writing this. Anyway we've met once and walked our dogs for a couple of hours and we're meeting again in a couple of weeks. Having someone understand is amazing, I said it many times but I wish we could ask meet and help each other. I have a picture in my mine of what you all look like and I'm probably totally wrong!!
Stay strong lovely people, it's tough, it's crap and it's wrong that innocent people are involved but in my case I'm glad because those poor children have got one less person (my husband) looking at them, as I know you all feel the same but the fallout!!!
Xx
I'm the same, social situations are really tough for me but I was a real people pleaser and found it so difficult to say no to anything, this situation has made me day no for my own sanity so that's a positive for me, one in an ocean of lies and deceit!
I'm also so so lucky as I've recently made contact with another lady going through the same, but different if you know what I mean. We meant and just hugged, it was like she knows and actually makes me tearful just writing this. Anyway we've met once and walked our dogs for a couple of hours and we're meeting again in a couple of weeks. Having someone understand is amazing, I said it many times but I wish we could ask meet and help each other. I have a picture in my mine of what you all look like and I'm probably totally wrong!!
Stay strong lovely people, it's tough, it's crap and it's wrong that innocent people are involved but in my case I'm glad because those poor children have got one less person (my husband) looking at them, as I know you all feel the same but the fallout!!!
Xx
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Andrea, that's SUCH a good point. I honestly had never thought about the fact that someone I know might be going through this. I must confess that, before this happened to me, I probably would have judged another woman in my shoes - how could you not know it was happening? Why are you still with him?
It's been a rough week for me. My step children still have no idea that Daddy is in trouble, or that he can't be with them unsupervised; I'm supervising contact and they're none the wiser, which is good. I still can't shake the feeling of claustrophibia in my own house - I can't even go for a wee without forward planning to make sure that the kids aren't left alone with their Dad.
I also decided therapy wasn't helping this week - my therapist said that, if my partner has been looking for gratification elsewhere, it means there's something missing from our relationship and that I need to take a look at the attention I'm giving him. I.e. this is MY fault! I took that really hard, but have reflected on it since our session and I can't go back there to be told that his poor actions are my fault.
It's been a rough week for me. My step children still have no idea that Daddy is in trouble, or that he can't be with them unsupervised; I'm supervising contact and they're none the wiser, which is good. I still can't shake the feeling of claustrophibia in my own house - I can't even go for a wee without forward planning to make sure that the kids aren't left alone with their Dad.
I also decided therapy wasn't helping this week - my therapist said that, if my partner has been looking for gratification elsewhere, it means there's something missing from our relationship and that I need to take a look at the attention I'm giving him. I.e. this is MY fault! I took that really hard, but have reflected on it since our session and I can't go back there to be told that his poor actions are my fault.
Jayne
thats sounds so wrong. You are not responsible for another actions only they are. I feel my husband had an intimacy disorder and was so secretive as he never trusted his parents growing up and just couldn’t break that cycle when he had everything he needed!!! I don’t blame you for not going back. As poster have said earlier you need to shop around for good therapy.
Sharon welcome to the forum. Ask anyone anything and don’t feel bad about being negative sometimes we have to let the anger out.
tracey so pleased you have found an Alliance in another, especially if you can go dog walking together.
i hope one day this mental disorder won’t be so stigmatising and the men can get help earlier. But unfortunately sometimes they have to hit rock bottom to really understand how morally wrong their actions were
xxx
thats sounds so wrong. You are not responsible for another actions only they are. I feel my husband had an intimacy disorder and was so secretive as he never trusted his parents growing up and just couldn’t break that cycle when he had everything he needed!!! I don’t blame you for not going back. As poster have said earlier you need to shop around for good therapy.
Sharon welcome to the forum. Ask anyone anything and don’t feel bad about being negative sometimes we have to let the anger out.
tracey so pleased you have found an Alliance in another, especially if you can go dog walking together.
i hope one day this mental disorder won’t be so stigmatising and the men can get help earlier. But unfortunately sometimes they have to hit rock bottom to really understand how morally wrong their actions were
xxx
Andrea.
i think your right given the sheer numbers of men committing this offence we must know others in our position. Even if it’s a friend of a friend. I think ea h and every one of us have become more empathetic and non judgmental since this has happened to us. I also feel we say we are survivors as if we didn’t survive we would become bitter and life is too precious to treat others with anger at the world.
i think your right given the sheer numbers of men committing this offence we must know others in our position. Even if it’s a friend of a friend. I think ea h and every one of us have become more empathetic and non judgmental since this has happened to us. I also feel we say we are survivors as if we didn’t survive we would become bitter and life is too precious to treat others with anger at the world.
Jayne
I can't believe anyone would say that, I'm so sorry to hear it and it must have knocked you.
The insensitivity of that person is astounding and they obviously have not idea about our situation and what it involves.
Please don't think you are ever to blame, you are not, you are innocent!!
Much love xx
I can't believe anyone would say that, I'm so sorry to hear it and it must have knocked you.
The insensitivity of that person is astounding and they obviously have not idea about our situation and what it involves.
Please don't think you are ever to blame, you are not, you are innocent!!
Much love xx
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Poster, well done on persevering and finding a counsellor who was right for you. At the moment I think I’m still too angry to go back to the drawing board at this stage. I will, but not right now.
I think the thing I found the hardest was that this was meant to be a professional, non-judgemental person, and being judged by her just made me think I don’t stand a chance with the chance of not being judged by anyone else. Does that make sense?!
This forum really is a godsend and I genuinely appreciate all of you ladies.
The situation with the school must be really hard - surely there must be a way of them connecting the two of you, if you both consent to it? Xx
I think the thing I found the hardest was that this was meant to be a professional, non-judgemental person, and being judged by her just made me think I don’t stand a chance with the chance of not being judged by anyone else. Does that make sense?!
This forum really is a godsend and I genuinely appreciate all of you ladies.
The situation with the school must be really hard - surely there must be a way of them connecting the two of you, if you both consent to it? Xx
It would be so helpful to be able to meet up with eachother. I wish LF could arrange some kind of safe get together for us.
My counselor said on 2 occasions that my husband was a sociapath, I found that really judgemental, she didn't know him and didn't appear to understand the situation even though she's worked with sex offenders and men in the same situation as my husband!!
I'm now waiting for counselling through relate which isn't about my marriage which has broken up but is about trying to help me move forward!
Xx
I'm now waiting for counselling through relate which isn't about my marriage which has broken up but is about trying to help me move forward!
Xx
Hi Tink
wow I could have written your post myself! It really sums up everything I feel.
I really really struggle with social situations, tho like you I haven’t told many people and since my son is 11 now we don’t have play dates anymore luckily.
I confided in one friend who promptly dumped me never to contact me again!
I absolutely dread anything at my son’s school as I’m not sure if my friend has told anyone else & I literally feel sick if I have to got school! His sports day was cancelled last week and I was really pleased! Sounds terrible but I was absolutely dreading it!
I just manage by keeping a very low profile and luckily I’m not bothered about this at all, but it is very very hard pretending everything is fine with my few close friends, who don’t know. I am so scared to tell anyone after my friend dumped me.
I keep myself busy in the house and watch lots of rubbish tv during the day!
This probably hasn’t helped you much but I completely know how you feel 100%
Mabel x
wow I could have written your post myself! It really sums up everything I feel.
I really really struggle with social situations, tho like you I haven’t told many people and since my son is 11 now we don’t have play dates anymore luckily.
I confided in one friend who promptly dumped me never to contact me again!
I absolutely dread anything at my son’s school as I’m not sure if my friend has told anyone else & I literally feel sick if I have to got school! His sports day was cancelled last week and I was really pleased! Sounds terrible but I was absolutely dreading it!
I just manage by keeping a very low profile and luckily I’m not bothered about this at all, but it is very very hard pretending everything is fine with my few close friends, who don’t know. I am so scared to tell anyone after my friend dumped me.
I keep myself busy in the house and watch lots of rubbish tv during the day!
This probably hasn’t helped you much but I completely know how you feel 100%
Mabel x
I wanted to reply to say i've isolated myself purposely. I don't believe it's particularly healthy or the 'right' option but it's an option that's helping me to survive at the moment.
I confided in a couple of friends, another 'friend' found out via his 'connections' in court (very confidential). I live next door to these people but no longer communicate in a non-superficial manner. I don't want to be reminded what has happened. Any time they ask me about my husband or ask me how I am, I don't want to answer it as it's not just a fickle question anymore. This is my perception.
My family all live in another region. I have some work colleagues who I am friends with (acquaintances) but would not see outside of work. I no longer trust people through this experience. And that is funny, as I am still with my husband who committed the offence. I contradict myself but this is what this situation does - you havent got a clue what you think about things at times.
I feel I cannot offer anyone anything. Friendship feels like a burden to me, as there are expectations. I think I believe if I stop engaging with people and fail to be friends with anyone, I will be left alone and people will not ask anything of me. You see - if I lose any more, I might crumble away or break completely.
I want to be in the middle of nowhere with no-one around for miles. Ultimate denial.
I confided in a couple of friends, another 'friend' found out via his 'connections' in court (very confidential). I live next door to these people but no longer communicate in a non-superficial manner. I don't want to be reminded what has happened. Any time they ask me about my husband or ask me how I am, I don't want to answer it as it's not just a fickle question anymore. This is my perception.
My family all live in another region. I have some work colleagues who I am friends with (acquaintances) but would not see outside of work. I no longer trust people through this experience. And that is funny, as I am still with my husband who committed the offence. I contradict myself but this is what this situation does - you havent got a clue what you think about things at times.
I feel I cannot offer anyone anything. Friendship feels like a burden to me, as there are expectations. I think I believe if I stop engaging with people and fail to be friends with anyone, I will be left alone and people will not ask anything of me. You see - if I lose any more, I might crumble away or break completely.
I want to be in the middle of nowhere with no-one around for miles. Ultimate denial.
Lee, I just want to thank you. I have been in tears on and off since reading your reply. It means a lot and to know others care and'get it'. I haven't experienced that yet and it's overwhelming (but in a good way).
Hi Bubble,
I’m so sorry - I read your post a couple of days ago, but weekends got me are manic as I have my stepkids here and need to supervise contact. But please know you’re not alone. I too have cut myself off from friends and family, because it’s easier than lying and I’m not ready to share my story with them just yet. However, this forum and the ladies on it have genuinely kept me going. I don’t know how I’d be coping without it. It’s the only place I feel free of judgement and where I can be myself (an odd concept when using a pseudonym and hiding behind a screen, but it’s true!!). We’re all in this with you. Don’t give up. Xx
I’m so sorry - I read your post a couple of days ago, but weekends got me are manic as I have my stepkids here and need to supervise contact. But please know you’re not alone. I too have cut myself off from friends and family, because it’s easier than lying and I’m not ready to share my story with them just yet. However, this forum and the ladies on it have genuinely kept me going. I don’t know how I’d be coping without it. It’s the only place I feel free of judgement and where I can be myself (an odd concept when using a pseudonym and hiding behind a screen, but it’s true!!). We’re all in this with you. Don’t give up. Xx
Lee - they were good tears. Believe me. x
Thank you Jayne - I started back at work today and am glad for the distraction. I seem to stay more positive when i'm busy or distracted. Weekends are the worst and annual leave. I am sure that makes me weird. I hate being at home and hearing people having barbecues, kids playing, people chatting and laughing. I am probably the only person in the hot weather with all the windows shut - blinds angled to the point of nearly shut but not to the extent that people think i'm weird. Trying not to see people walk about in their perfect carefree lives (naive of me, in that I know we all have our problems). I hope I get more relaxed but at the moment i'm doing it. xx
Thank you Jayne - I started back at work today and am glad for the distraction. I seem to stay more positive when i'm busy or distracted. Weekends are the worst and annual leave. I am sure that makes me weird. I hate being at home and hearing people having barbecues, kids playing, people chatting and laughing. I am probably the only person in the hot weather with all the windows shut - blinds angled to the point of nearly shut but not to the extent that people think i'm weird. Trying not to see people walk about in their perfect carefree lives (naive of me, in that I know we all have our problems). I hope I get more relaxed but at the moment i'm doing it. xx